BeatRoute Magazine [AB] print e-edition - [May 2018]

SAVAGE LOVE
quickies
I wish I had a better question, but this is all I have: My friends and
I were discussing the nuances of a straight orgy (a roughly equal
number of male and female participants) versus a gang bang (one
woman, many men), and we observed that there is no proper name
for a one man, many women situation. The internet tells me it’s just
a “reverse gang bang,” which is a very disappointing name. Can we
please establish a new one?
–Curious Nonparticipant
How does “pussy riot” grab you? And while we’re on the subject of
flipping gendered expressions: A number of years ago, I was asked
to come up with a female version of “sausage fest.” Sticking with
the food theme, I proposed “clam bake.” Still mystified as to why it
didn’t catch on.
Married from 28 to 36, single the last three years, and celibate most of
the last couple years. The last two years of my marriage were sexless,
and I saw professionals until I was priced out. I could probably earn
twice what I’m making now if I moved away, but my current job gives
me the flexibility to spend afternoons with my young kids. Last year,
I had a brief relationship (that included the best sex of my life), but I
ended it because I needed more me time. So I lack the willingness or
the confidence to be in a relationship, and I don’t have the cash to see
pros. I’m not fussed by this. Should I be concerned about my celibacy?
–Absolutely Not Getting Sex Today
Seeing as your celibacy is intermittent and by your own choice
(you walked away from the best sex of your life for me time? What
kind of mid-’90s Oprah bullshit is that?), ANGST, you’re unlikely to
wind up hanging out on an “incel” forum filled with angry, violent,
socially maladapted men who blame the fact that they can’t get laid
on women and feminism. So long as you continue to take personal
responsibility for all the sex you’re not having, there’s nothing to be
concerned about.
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. When we first
got together, we had sex every day. Then it dwindled. We had major
problems along the way and separated this winter. During that time,
he went to another state. We got back together long-distance, and I
received many letters from him saying how much he wanted to have
sex with me. He moved back two weeks ago, and we’ve had sex only
twice. He used to say he wanted me to make the first move. But if he
really wanted me, wouldn’t he make a move? I feel so neglected, yet he
claims he loves me. Please give me some insight.
–No Sex For Weeks
He says he wants sex (with you), but he doesn’t make a move. You
say you want sex (with him), but you don’t make a move. So how
about this: The next few times you want sex, NSFW, make a move.
If he fucks you two out of three times, maybe he was telling you the
truth when he said he’d like you to make the first move. If he rebuffs
you every time, then he doesn’t want to have sex with you—and
you’ll have to make a move to end this relationship.
I’m a youngish man who’s been in a loving relationship with an older
woman for a year. The only area where the age difference comes into
play is largely unspoken between us—she wants kids. All of her friends
are having kids, and she’s nearing the end of her childbearing years.
I’m nowhere near ready, and I sometimes question whether I want to
be monogamous to any one person for life. We never discuss it, but
I can tell how deeply this bothers her and that in her ideal world, I’d
be ready to start planning a future with her. I’m racked with guilt at
the possibility that by the time I’m ready for that level of commitment
(or, worse, by the time I realize I never will be), she’ll be biologically
incapable of having kids, which is really important to her. This is all
complicated by the fact that this is easily the most loving, trusting,
respectful relationship I’ve ever been in.
–Bond Afflicted By Years
Speak, BABY: “Look, you want kids. I’m not ready, and I’m not sure I’ll
ever be ready. Also, I’m not sure about lifelong monogamy. If we need
to part ways so you can find someone who wants the same things
you do and wants them now, I’ll be devastated but I’ll understand.”
I’m a 22-year-old woman living in Central Asia doing development
work. There are 14 other expats within an hour or two of me, but eight
of them are in relationships. I’ve always been the “single friend,” and
normally I don’t mind. But being surrounded by couples right now
has been a tax on my mental health. I know I’m young and should be
focusing on this amazing opportunity and my career, but I can’t help
but feel lonely at times, especially since I can’t speak the local language
well and these 14 other people are the only ones near me who speak
English. What should I do?
–Single Anonymous Dame
BY DAN SAVAGE
Math. Eight of the 14 nearby English-speaking expats are in relationships.
That means six nearby expats are single like you, SAD. It’s not
a lot of people to choose from in real numbers, I realize, but as a
percentage—40 percent of nearby expats are single—it’s statistically
significant, as the social scientists say. Focus on this opportunity, focus
on your career, and focus on that statistically significant number
of nearby singles.
My husband and I listen to your podcast, and we’ve become a little
more open about our wants and needs as a result. Anyway, on two
recent occasions, he shaved his pubes. Both times, I told him it was a
turnoff. Like, I literally dried up when I saw it. He said he understood,
yet now he’s about to take a trip with friends and he’s done it again.
Chest too this time. Assuming he’s telling the truth and this manscaping
effort is not about other women (eye roll), is it fair to me? Can I
ask him to stop? Shouldn’t he want to stop if it’s a turnoff for me? Do I
have to be GGG on this too?
–Not Into Bald Balls
I feel your pain—but it’s not hair removal that’s an issue in my
relationship, but hair growth. My husband would like to have a
mustache. It’s his face (those are your husband’s balls), and he can
do what he wants with his face (your husband can do what he
wants with his balls). But I can do what I want with my face, and
my face doesn’t touch his when there’s a mustache on it. Similarly,
NIBB, you’re not obligated to touch your husband and/or his junk
when he’s pubeless. When I’m out of town, my husband will grow
a mustache, and I don’t complain or temporarily unfollow him on
Instagram. So long as your husband’s balls/crotch/chest are smooth
only when they’re far from you, it shouldn’t be an issue in your marriage—unlike
the fact that you think he might be fucking another
woman (maybe one who’s into bald balls?) or thinking about fucking
other women. That’s an issue you’re going to want to address.
On the Lovecast—Finally!
Porn that makes consent SEXY: savagelovecast.com.
mail@savagelove.net
@fakedansavage on Twitter
ITMFA.org
62 | MAY 2018 • BEATROUTE