Fertility Road Issue 03

FEATURE | it’s my life
SO WHAT
CAN BE
DONE?
How can you best fend off well-meaning
(or otherwise) comments from friends
(and strangers). Parenting expert Sue
Atkins, who has counselled many mums
and dads through fertility treatment and
pregnancy, offers the following advice:
I am determined to be a
mum again, I am 37, not 57, and
there are options open to me.
And frankly, whether it upsets
people or not, I have totally come
to the conclusion that I don’t
need a relationship or a man
in my life full-time to do it.
then. The next one was even worse. The awful thing is when you
have friends who know you’re trying and you say you have period
pains and they say ‘oh but it could be pregnancy cramps’ it makes
it so much worse. You start to treat period symptoms as pregnancy
symptoms and that exacerbates the shock.”
And sometimes the attitudes go further than the pure
biological side of getting pregnant. Sarah is 37 and mum to a
seven-year-old daughter. When her relationship broke up last year,
she confided in her mum that she would love to have another child.
“I was furious when she said to me ‘well, you’ve closed the
door on that part of your life now, haven’t you?’! It seemed such
a heartless thing to say. I was close to tears and said I was
considering using donor sperm or even adopting if I didn’t meet
a new partner very soon. She was absolutely horrified and just
sat there looking at me as if I were mad! She actually said ‘I’ve
never heard anything so ridiculous in my life’.
“In the end I had to pretend I was joking, else we would have
fallen out over it. It’s so sad though that I can’t discuss with
my own mum my need and desire to have another baby, but
she really does see me as being too old and indeed, too single
now, and so the subject, as far as she’s concerned, is closed. It
most certainly isn’t for me though. I am determined to be a mum
again, I am 37, not 57, and there are options open to me. And
frankly, whether it upsets people or not, I have totally come to the
conclusion that I don’t need a relationship or a man in my life
full-time to do it.’
• 1. Why aren’t you starting a family yet?
People presume things all the time in life and rarely mean to hurt
when they ask this question. I think it helps to spend a little time
just pondering your reply and I encourage the people I work with
to jot down their ‘stock answer’. It can be different for different
people – one response for work colleagues and general acquaintances;
a different, deeper answer for family and friends and people who
really know you. From clarity you get confidence.
• 2. Wild Confidence – You’ll be FINE!
It’s very helpful to stay relaxed and positive during this process
and to learn to be in a balanced emotional state. You can achieve
this through meditating, gentle exercise or saying a positive
affirmation – like “I am grounded, centred and positive.”
The emotional rollercoaster of IVF and fertility treatment is
tough enough without wildly exaggerated hopes or fears. So it
helps to stay grounded, positive, relaxed and focussed on being
happy throughout the process whilst also learning to adopt the
attitude of gratitude for all the good things in your life. This helps
you to filter life through the positive and will help you to feel more
balanced and in control of your life.
• 3. “You can always adopt”... “Not meant to be”
It helps to see life from the perspective of other well-meaning
friends and family. One simple exercise I do is to stand on a piece
of paper with your friend/family/partner’s name on it and assess
what you see from there, hear what you hear and feel how you
feel from your friend/family/partner’s perspective.
This helps you to see life from your friend’s, mother-in-law’s,
or sister’s point of view. This exercise helps you to focus on their
intention in this remark; usually it is to help you cope with the
possibility of disappointment.
• 4. It’s my life
The journey of fertility is a very private and individual experience
for each person, as well as for each couple. I think it’s helpful to
remember that one size really doesn’t fit all during this process,
and people only have to be confided in on a ‘need to know’ basis.
You choose who you give a ‘stock’ answer to, and who you share
your inner most thoughts with.
For more information and advice from Sue Atkins please visit
www.positive-parents.com
22 fertility road | november - december