SAVAGELOVE BY DAN SAVAGEThe GirlsMy boyfriend and I were havingrelationship issues until wetried something new: pegging.He wanted to try it, but he wasafraid and sometimes saidthe idea disgusted him. Thenwe tried it, and it was betterthan normal vanilla or evenkinky bondage sex. It was themost emotionally connectedsex we’ve ever had. I actuallypegged him three times in 24hours. He says now he wants tobe “the girl” in our relationship.He doesn’t want to transitionto become a girl, but to bemore “the girl” sexually andemotionally. I see this as sexyand loving. I’ve always takencare of him in a nurturing way,but this adds so much more.I feel bad about sending thislong story just to ask a simplequestion, but… how do I bemore “the guy” for my boyfriendwho wants to be more “thegirl”? Not just sexually, but ineveryday life?– The Boyfriend Experience“It’s amazing these two foundeach other,” said Key Barrett,a trained anthropologist. “Theycommunicate and obviouslycreate spaces to be vulnerabletogether and explore.”Barrett has studied female-ledrelationships (FLR) and writtenbooks—fiction and nonfiction—about them, TBE, and his firstconcern was your boyfriendsuccumbing to “sub-frenzy,”or a burning desire to realizeall his fantasies at once. Youguys aren’t new to kink—youmention bondage—but you’vefound something that taps intosome deep-seated desires, andyou don’t want to move too fast.“Pegging opened up a hugebox of shiny new emotions andfeelings,” said Barrett. “That’sgreat, but they should take itslow, especially if they want thisdynamic to be a part of the dayto-dayrelationship.”You also need to bear in mindthat pegging, while wonderful,won’t solve your underlying(and unspecified) “relationshipissues.” Unless, of course, theissue was your boyfriend feelinganxious about asking you topeg him. If he was worriedabout walking back his previouscomments, or worried you wouldjudge, shame, or dump him overthis, that could have been thecause of your conflict, and thepegging—by some miracle—wasthe solution.But, hey, you didn’t ask aboutthose other issues—you didn’teven name them—so let’sfocus on your actual question:you being “the guy” and yourboyfriend being “the girl.”“The boyfriend wants TBE tobe ‘the guy’ in the relationshipto reinforce his desire to be‘the girl,’” said Barrett, “and sheseems okay with this, althoughshe does acknowledge thatthis would require more thanthe nurturing and caretakingshe’s already showed towardhim. That’s a valid concern. Hisdesire to take the kink out of thebedroom and merge it with theday-to-day risks turning her intoa kink dispenser. There’s also theaspect of the boyfriend’s genderstereotyping. Being dominantisn’t unique to men, and beingsubmissive isn’t a ‘feminine’ trait.There are a lot of alpha menin FLRs who shine in supportroles for the women they trust.Female-led relationships don’trely on stereotypes. Indeed, theyoften flout them by relying not onstereotypical behaviors but onwhat is a natural dynamic for thecouple. In that sense, each FLRis unique.”While it’s possible that “I wantto be the girl” are the only wordsyour boyfriend has to describethe dynamic that turns him on,for some men, sacrificing their“male” power and privilege is anintrinsic part of the eroticism ofsubmitting to a dominant woman.And that’s okay, too.“If he legitimately wants totake on a role of supportingher and being her adoringsubmissive partner while thinkingof that role as ‘feminine,’ it couldwork for them,” said Barrett. “Hemight really enjoy supportingher decisions and being more ofa domestic partner. She mightenjoy the support and validationthat comes from having a partnerwho revels in her successes andstrength. This could fulfill the‘caring for him as if I were theboyfriend’ portion (what a lovinga statement!) while still feelingnatural for TBE.”So how can you get started as“the guy” in this relationship?“They should, again, startsmall,” said Barrett. “Maybedelegate a few tasks that were‘hers’ to him, and she can tellhim how she wants them done,”whatever it is (dishes? laundry?cocksucking?), “as this will helpensure the outcome they bothwant. I would also recommendthey both read about whatFLRs are and aren’t. FLRs areoften kink-friendly, but kink isnot required. And they needto remember the key word in‘female-led relationship’ is‘relationship.’”Follow Key Barrett on Twitter@KeyBarrettMScI’m a woman, and I wascontacted on an app bysomeone claiming to be a“guydyke.” Based on theirprofile pictures, I was basicallylooking at a white, cis, mascpresentingman who’s saidhe is queer but only attractedto women. And by mascpresenting,I mean I couldnot pick him out of a lineup ofthe most average of averagelookingstraight dudes: drabclothes, a week’s stubble,bad haircut. Granted, nobodyis obliged to announce theirgender identity through clothingor grooming choices, but how isthis guy not straight?– Perplexed“I happen to be one of those‘old-school’ lesbians, despitenot actually being what mostconsider to be old,” said ArielleScarcella, a popular lesbianYouTuber (youtube.com/Arielle) with more than 600,000subscribers. “Back when I wascoming out in 2005, if a maleperson who lived as a man—amale who lived in such a waythat he was always perceivedto be a man—claimed he wasa lesbian or a dyke, we’d shutthem down. But in 2020, it’sonly acceptable to accepteveryone for what they say theyare. I disagree. Part of being alesbian, being a woman, is alsocultural and societal. It’s notsimply an identity. Living in theworld as a woman matters. Abiological male who presentsas a man and has sex only withwomen will never know what it’slike to be treated as a womanor a lesbian. He can identifyhowever he likes, of course,but he will be perceived as astraight man who’s fetishizingqueer women.”42 BEATROUTE MARCH 2020
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