Focus on the Family Magazine - August/September 2020

HOLDING ON TO EACH
OTHER THROUGH
THE STORMS
Helping Families Thrive in Christ
AUG / SEP 2020
Canada
ENTER YOUR
GRANDCHILD’S
WORLD
DANIEL
HUERTA
Author
Seven
Traits of
Effective
Parenting
pg. 29

Raising a family today
can be difficult
The new reality parents are facing of working
from home while trying to teach their children
can be overwhelming. Trying to care for aging
parents while protecting them from an unseen
virus can be daunting. Building the faith of
your family while church and Sunday school
are virtual can be difficult.
That’s why <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada is
here to help families with articles, broadcasts,
downloadable activities, media streaming and
more. We want to equip families to not just
make it through these times but to thrive in
the midst of them.
Will you donate today so families can continue to have
access to the support they need these days?
DONATE TODAY!
visit focusonthefamily.ca/give
call 1.800.661.9800
mail 19946 80a ave, langley, bc v2y 0j8

August / September
19
Couples
11 DATE NIGHT CHALLENGE:
DIY HOLIDAY
Try this fun idea for connecting
with your spouse
by Jared Hottenstein
12 HOLDING ON TO EACH OTHER
THROUGH THE STORMS
Your decisions now can help you
prepare for future crises
by Carol Kent
17 FINDING MY INNER HANDYMAN
How many years does it take a
husband to replace a light fixture
for his wife?
by Jay Payleitner
Faith & Inspiration
19 FAITH IN A CHANGING WORLD
Helping kids stand with God in a
shifting culture
by David Benham with Jason Benham
22 SPACE FOR SEEKING GOD
Your little ones need you . . .
and you need time with Him
by Melissa Spoelstra
25 BRIO FOR A NEW GENERATION
Empowering teen girls to live out
their faith and embrace their identity
as children of God
by Scott Johnson
Kids & Teens
29 ADAPTABILITY: AN ESSENTIAL
PARENTING TRAIT
A flexible mindset can make a big
difference in how we respond to
challenges
by Daniel P. Huerta
33 LITTLE BIG DREAMERS
Nurturing our kids in their
God-given talents
by Shelia Erwin
37 ENTER YOUR
GRANDCHILD’S WORLD
How to stay connected with your
grandkids as they grow
by Marie Isom
37
In Every Issue
4 LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT 5 HACKS & FACTS 10 MEDIA 42 MY THRIVING FAMILY
August / September 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3

A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
Terence Rolston is
president of <strong>Focus</strong> on the
Family Canada
turning to God
in times of crisis
THE SUMMER IS NEARLY OVER
and I hope and pray your family has been
able to enjoy it – even if it has looked different
than other years.
One positive outcome I have noticed in
this ever-changing world we’re living in is
families spending more meaningful time
together. Without the distraction of busyness,
many of us are taking this unique
opportunity to slow down and invest in the
relationships we often take for granted.
As the new school year starts, I hope you can continue to
do that, but I also hope you can look for ways to invest in
that other relationship we can also overlook – our
relationship with our Heavenly Father.
In times of crisis, chaos and uncertainty, God desires us
to turn to him, take refuge in him and find rest in his presence.
These are precious gifts our Father delights to give his
children, but many of us struggle with accepting them as
enough. We think we need to process our stress and anxiety
on our own, either by trying to push it aside or by distracting
ourselves with things that never really bring us peace.
In this digital magazine, you’ll find articles to help you
face crises with Christ’s strength, not your own. Whether
it’s navigating storms as a couple, helping your kids stand
firm in a shifting culture or carving out time in your day to
spend time with God, you’ll find biblical advice to guide you
through the external and internal struggles so many of us
are facing right now.
From all of us at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada, our continued
prayers are for the safety of you and your family, and
that you would all take the time to cherish the gifts of peace
and rest our Heavenly Father is glad to give us.
president Jim Daly
chief operating officer Ken Windebank
publisher Steve Johnson
focus canada president Terence Rolston
editorial director Sheila Seifert
managing editor Andrea Gutierrez
copy chief Scott DeNicola
contributing editors Ginger Kolbaba,
Michael Ridgeway, Vance Fry, Marianne
Hering, Thomas Jeffries, Jennifer Lonas
and Jeff Masching
art director Brian Mellema
designer Anneka Jack
cover Sarah Kenney
media publishing director Kevin Shirin
editorial assistant Kat Bittner
circulation Sandy Grivy
Thank you!
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family provides this magazine and
other resources through the generosity of friends
like you. <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/donate
For a subscription, go to <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/
magazine.
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine April/May 2020, Vol. 5,
No. 2 ISSN 2471-5921, © 2020 <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
All rights reserved. Published by <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family,
a nonprofit organization recognized for tax-deductible
giving by the federal government. <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family is
a federally registered trademark of <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
This magazine is a ministry publication. If you are not
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To notify us of an address change or to contact <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family: 19946 80A Ave, Langley, BC, V2Y 0J8;
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Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are
from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version ® (ESV ® ).
Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry
of Good News Publishers. All rights reserved. ESV Text
Edition: 2016.
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Terence Rolston
FOTF / CARY BATES
4
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
August / September 2020

Hacks & Facts
CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING
Family-Friendly
Picture Books
Take a look at this list of family-friendly
picture books that you can read with
your children. Then check out the
reviews for these 10 books at
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/PictureBooks.
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK; (TEXTURE) PALADIN1212 / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
August / September 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 5

HACKS & FACTS / BACK TO SCHOOL
Helping Kids Start the
School Day Right
Here’s what I do to get my 5- and 6-year-old out
the door for school on time:
• We pick out their clothes the night before,
including socks, shoes and jackets.
• We pack their backpacks and set them by the
door. This includes gathering permission slips
and homework the night before.
• We establish a set bedtime routine. A good
night’s sleep is essential for my kids.
• I often put on lively Christian music to help
them get into a more energetic beat, especially
on dark or dreary mornings.
• I avoid nagging my kids out the door. If we run
late, we adjust the schedule for the next day to
give us more time.
—Rose Thoman
Our Family’s Weekly
Activity Calendar
On Sunday evenings before the busy week
begins, I sit down and enter my son’s activities
into a calendar template I created on my
computer. I include important school and
transportation reminders, appointments and
after-school activities. Since I use the same
template each week, there is a minimal amount
of new information I need to add on a weekly
basis, and I can update the original file if we
have longer-term schedule changes.
After creating the new calendar, I take a few
minutes to discuss it with my husband and my
son, and then I post it on the door to our garage.
This way everyone can see the calendar and
anticipate our schedule for the upcoming week.
—Kimberly Wells
DEMACHY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
6
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
August / September 2020

BACK TO SCHOOL / HACKS & FACTS
Learning From One Another
We talk with our young daughter about how kids may learn things
at different stages of their lives. While classmates may be her same
age, they may have already learned things that she hasn’t learned
yet, and vice versa. This understanding has helped her interactions
with other kids. Instead of getting frustrated with a classmate, she
seeks to support that student’s learning. If a friend is struggling to
share, we encourage her to spend time problem-solving with that
classmate. (“Why don’t I take a turn after you’re done with that?”)
When it comes to social interactions, this “maybe he hasn’t
learned that yet” perspective helps our daughter not to get so
upset if someone is rude. She understands that maybe that child
hasn’t been taught proper manners yet. And when our daughter
gets frustrated with herself, we encourage her to look to a friend
who might be able to guide her.
—Emily Yang
‘Give Me Five’
Sometimes our kids’ emotions get the
best of them, and they have trouble
calming down. Maybe they aren’t sure
why they are feeling the way they do,
so they express themselves in negative
ways. Try asking your child to “Give
me five” by counting backward from
five. This allows your child to take a
short mental break from the intensity
of the moment. We’ve discovered
that when you give a child a little time
to calm down, you also give him or her
a moment to express what is going on
inside.
—Elizabeth Sullivan
Setting Expectations
for a New Routine
When I was a first-grade teacher, I discovered a technique that
noticeably improved my students’ behavior: training sessions. So I
used them to raise my own sons.
As my boys faced the back-to-school changes, I set aside a
period of time to intentionally train them in how I expected them
to behave for a specific activity, such as doing homework or cleaning
up after an afternoon snack.
During these training sessions, I would instruct my kids on
what they should and should not do during each activity. I was
very specific. I also clearly stated consequences for avoiding their
responsibilities or not following rules. Then we would practice the
right behavior over and over. (Kids love this part! They get to act
out the good behavior.)
For two weeks I would diligently supervise to make sure they
were behaving as trained. Finally, our schedule was set and ran
smoothly.
—Katie Ely
A Colorful
Classroom
Before the start of the school year, I
gave each of my children a blank piece
of paper and three blue crayons, along
with instructions to create a beautiful
picture. They soon requested different
crayons, since just one color made
the pictures “too boring.” So we talked
about how a variety of colors could
make a picture beautiful. This simple
lesson helped them see the potential
beauty and benefit in the cultural
diversity of their new classmates.
—Marybeth Mitcham
August / September 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 7

HACKS & FACTS / GETTING DRESSED
Hand-Me-Down Fashion Show
I’ve always enjoyed the change of seasons, with one exception: the task
of sorting clothes from the totes taken out of storage and emptied onto
the sofa. I would ask my daughters to try on the hand-me-down clothes,
but they disliked this time-consuming chore.
Then I had an idea: “How would you like to have a fashion show?”
I turned on music, and they put on outfits for the coming season to
model them for the rest of us. I announced: “Ladies and gentlemen,
today we have Emily, looking absolutely fabulous in a stylish sundress
from our spring collection.” Emily twirled as I applauded.
Then another daughter came out from a back room. “Here comes
Madison, all ready for a fun day at the beach in this multicolored onepiece
swimsuit.” She giggled, spun around and put a hand on her hip.
My idea worked beautifully.
—Sheri Zeck
ISTOCK.COM / MARILYN NIEVES
8
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
August / September 2020

GETTING DRESSED / HACKS & FACTS
Outfit Organizer
To streamline our morning routine, I bought a hanging
clothes organizer for my 7-year-old son. It’s
the kind with one pocket for each day of the week.
Whenever I fold our laundry, I have my son choose an
outfit to put in each pocket of the organizer, including
socks and underwear. This allows him to choose
his own outfits without adding any extra time to our
busy mornings.
—Diane Stark
Beat-the-Clock Challenge
Getting my kids moving and out the door can be a
real struggle. Either they get distracted by something
more interesting or simply move at a snail’s pace. So
we turn everything into a game of Beat the Clock.
When it’s time for the kids to put on their socks, I
announce that they have 20 seconds to get them on.
When they need their coats, I announce they have 15
seconds to put them on. This gives them a challenge,
which they love, and it helps them focus on the task
at hand: getting ready and out the door. They are so
excited to try to beat the clock that they don’t get distracted.
Not to mention, they have a whole lot of fun
while they’re getting ready!
—Alicia Gorski
Dressed for the Weather
Toddlers love to make choices for themselves, so my
husband and I made little signs out of construction
paper with weather pictures on them (a sun, raindrops,
wind and snowflakes) and hung them inside
our children’s closet. We organized their clothing in
groups under each sign. It was fun for our children to
“match” the weather outside to the correct picture so
they could select weather-friendly items from a variety
of appropriate choices.
—Courtney Roberts
Clothing-Choice Checklist
I was thrilled once my children were able to dress
themselves. However, they often dressed in clothing
that didn’t match or wasn’t in good enough shape to
wear outside the house. So I decided to train them
how to dress appropriately.
I made a simple checklist and taped it on the back
of their bedroom door. On the list, I gave them three
guidelines for getting dressed:
• What is the weather today?
• What are we doing today?
• Do the colors and patterns match?
These three simple questions not only allowed
them to select their clothes on their own but also
guided their decisions. If their choices were still inappropriate,
I was able to help them see why by using
the checklist.
—Jenny Nanninga
Becky, the Weather Doll
I played “school” with my daughter and her dolls,
teaching my girls about weather and which types
of clothes were suitable. I made it funny, having one
of the dolls, “Becky,” get all the answers wrong in a
silly way. Then I suggested that my daughter could
be Becky’s weather buddy, “teaching” her to dress
appropriately for the weather each day.
We started each morning by bringing Becky to the
window, as well as looking at the thermometer. I’d
ask, “Which kinds of clothes do you and Becky need
to wear today? Remember, you’re the teacher.”
My daughter took her role as teacher very seriously.
From then on, she—and Becky—dressed appropriately
for the weather.
—Lisa Grey
Wardrobe Workarounds
For the umpteenth time that week, my 6-year-old
daughter and I clashed over what she was wearing.
I wanted her to wear the outfit I’d picked out, a cute
one from her nana. She wanted to wear head-to-toe
pink, in different shades.
Going forward, I let her choose among items I’d
handpicked for her. This routine has helped alleviate
the clothing arguments and has helped us both learn
to compromise.
—Christie Kern
August / September 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 9

MEDIA / PLUGGED IN
UPCOMING REVIEWS
Check out PluggedIn.ca to get
the latest reviews on movies,
books, video games, TV shows
and more!
“THE FALCON
AND THE WINTER
SOLDIER”
Parents may want to know if
the new Disney+ series is a
good choice for young viewers.
Scheduled release: August
My kids and their friends keep talking about TikTok.
What is it, and what do I need to know as a parent?
TikTok is a popular app that allows users to post short
smartphone videos online. Overall, TikTok feels like
YouTube with a very short attention span. The videos can
feature almost anything—anything that will grab users’ attention,
that is. In other words, it’s an expressive digital medium that tweens
and teens (and plenty of adults, too) use to broadcast silly antics.
But it’s not all silly, and there are some real issues parents need to
know about. Usage guidelines prohibit graphic, violent, risky, sexually
explicit or hateful content. But those rules are pretty loose.
Profanity? No ban on that. And many users post videos that are suggestive
while avoiding explicit images.
The app theoretically prohibits users under 13, but that’s a guideline
many underage users ignore. Young users could potentially find
themselves in conversations with adults they don’t know via the
app’s comment feature. TikTok has also become a go-to destination
for risky video challenges.
On a more philosophical level, TikTok is all about grabbing attention.
Videos practically scream, “Look at me!” This is true of social
media in general, but TikTok feels custom-made to encourage narcissism.
It’s easy to burn a lot of time watching inane videos, and
TikTok offers many ways for kids to drift into trouble if parents aren’t
engaged with what they’re watching and posting.
—Adam Holz, director of Plugged In
WONDER WOMAN 1984
What can families expect as Diana and
Steve rekindle their relationship?
Scheduled release: Aug. 14
CYBERPUNK 2077
Will this first-person shooter’s “nonlethal”
option make it a worthy addition to your
teen’s video game collection?
Scheduled release: Sept. 17
CLOCKWISE CREDIT TK FROM TOP: MARVEL STUDIOS, WARNER BROS. ENTERTAINMENT INC., CD PROJEKT S.A.
10
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
August / September 2020

Couples
DIY holiday
try this fun idea for
connecting with your
spouse
HOLIDAYS OFFER the perfect
excuse for a date night, so expanding
my list of holidays gives me an abundance
of opportunities to spend
unique moments with my wife.
A quick internet search yields
a lengthy list of fun holidays that
provides an excuse for frequent celebrations.
For example, on Aug. 6,
International Root Beer Float Day,
we enjoyed a quick date on the front
porch, talking over a root beer float.
There was nothing romantic about
our conversation, but we did use two
straws in a single mug, just like they
do in the movies.
Here are more themes for upcoming
potential dates: National
S’mores Day, Aug. 10; Eat Outside
Day, Aug. 31; National Cheeseburger
Day, Sept. 18; Miniature Golf Day,
Sept. 21. And don’t forget Sept. 19,
International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
Aaaarrrggghhh!
If date nights are only something
you do on holidays, why not add
some new ones to your calendar?
—Jared Hottenstein
Take the challenge
Check the internet for a list of national
holidays and plan a date around a
theme that looks fun (or tasty) to you
and your spouse. Ask each other these
questions while on the date or shortly
thereafter:
• What was your favorite holiday that
we’ve celebrated as a couple? What
made it memorable?
• How can we add more celebrations to
our marriage and family life?
• If our anniversary were a holiday,
what would our theme be? •
PAMELA_D_MCADAMS, PIXEL-SHOT / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
August / september 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11

COUPLES / COMMUNICATION
12
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
August / september 2020

COMMUNICATION / COUPLES
HOLDING ON
TO EACH OTHER
THROUGH THE
STORMS
Your decisions now can help
you prepare for future crises
BY CAROL KENT
ILLUSTRATIONS BY ALI ZHANG
THE HEADLINE IN THE NEWSPAPER
WAS UNTHINKABLE! The front page of the
Orlando Sentinel showcased a familiar face—our son,
Jason’s. But in our wildest imagination, we could never
have conceived of this headline: “Blemish for Navy
Officer—Murder Charge in Orlando Shooting.”
My husband, Gene, and I had been awakened in the
middle of the night with the news that Jason, a U.S.
Naval Academy graduate with an impeccable record,
had shot and killed his wife’s first husband.
For several months after Jason’s arrest for this heinous
crime, I had trouble going about simple daily
tasks, and Gene and I had strained communication.
We were a Christian couple who had raised an only
child. He had been a good kid with a heart to serve
God and his country. How could this horrific crime
have happened?
Our marriage faced new challenges. Our distress
over Jason left us short-tempered, and we sometimes
allowed little disagreements to escalate into full-blown
arguments. And the issue of money suddenly became
an ever-present source of tension: Where would the
funds for a good attorney come from? How would we
make a living and still be tirelessly available to Jason?
Should we continue to minister in light of our son’s
actions? (We were in full-time Christian ministry;
speaking and writing provided our only income.)
An awkwardness over physical intimacy also overshadowed
our time together. I couldn’t think about
pleasure when my son was in jail facing the death
penalty. Gene, on the other hand, believed if we ever
needed that physical closeness, it was now.
Following such devastating news and with a strain
on our relationship, we didn’t know how we could
make good decisions when we could barely breathe or
think, let alone talk to each other.
But we made it through the ordeal. What helped us
was that we’d put in place good marriage practices
before the crisis hit. Dealing with the unexpected was
easier because we made “pre-decisions” as a couple.
These kinds of choices helped us and can help other
couples navigate the hard places in their relationship
and build a stronger marriage in preparation for the
times when life turns upside down.
Here’s how Gene and I use pre-decision-making to
help us do “the next right thing” in our marriage. >>>
August / september 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13

COUPLES / COMMUNICATION
Important pre-decisions
Unexpected marriage trials might
include dealing with sudden financial
pressures, figuring out how to
restructure your lives to meet the
needs of a child with special needs,
facing a health crisis, understanding
the gender confusion of your teenager,
caring for the needs of an aging
parent, figuring out next steps with a
drug-addicted child, coping with the
long-term effects of a bad accident
and much more.
Gene and I made a list of five principles
we’re committed to live by no
matter how intense our personal
challenges become. After our son was
arrested, we didn’t want to overthink
simple decisions, and we certainly
didn’t want to start overreacting to
the multiple unwanted interruptions
our son’s incarceration brought into
our lives. The following pre-decisions
made our marriage healthier, bolstered
our intimacy and reaffirmed
the teamwork our journey required.
I will seek, honor and respect the
advice of my spouse.
That meant listening to each other
more than talking loudly and giving
strongly worded instruction to each
other. We committed to not turning
away from each other (emotionally
or physically) just because our
personal challenge was hard. We
developed a team mentality and
vowed to value all input from each
other before making final decisions.
We put Romans 12:10 to work in
our relationship: “Love one another
with brotherly affection. Outdo one
another in showing honor.”
Prior to Jason’s arrest, I had made
a point of being as open and transparent
with people as possible. But
now a choice had to be made. Gene
suggested that I listen and ask questions
of others about their lives,
rather than immediately sharing our
turmoil. At first it felt like I was being
dishonest by withholding information
on the horrible situation we
were going through. But after I listened
to Gene’s advice and put it
into practice, I realized it was the
wisest choice.
Instead of our friends feeling awkward
while sharing their stories,
which to them might have seemed
like minor issues compared to our
story, people were able to speak
openly about their hard journeys,
and we could pray with them for
their needs without overwhelming
them with our own crisis.
I will serve my spouse sacrificially.
Galatians 5:13 says, “Through love
serve one another.” When our son
was first arrested, it took time to
explain to relatives and friends what
had happened. Amid multiple allegations
of past abuse involving Jason’s
young stepdaughters and his wife’s
ex-husband, he had made a horrible
decision. My friends were grieving
with us, but the communications
were emotionally and physically
exhausting. Gene knew I was unable
to handle all the people who cared
about us—so he took care of those
calls day after day and week after
week. And every morning he made
coffee and delivered it to my bedside,
often without words, placing a
14
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
August / september 2020

COMMUNICATION / COUPLES
hand on my arm, or rubbing my feet
with tender compassion. He served
me long before I figured out how I
needed to serve him.
I will practice automatic forgiveness.
Gene and I acknowledged that one
of us is no more perfect than the
other, and we would automatically
forgive our spouse’s unwise words,
weaknesses, emotional flare-ups
and errors in judgment, whether
or not we were under stress. We
reviewed Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind
to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving
one another, as God in Christ
forgave you.”
I married a man who likes to
live in a clutter-free environment.
Throughout our marriage we’ve both
worked at keeping our home organized.
However, I didn’t keep my side
of our bedroom closet neat. It was
overcrowded and messy.
One month after our son’s arrest,
we were both in the walk-in closet
when Gene blurted out in a loud
voice, “I don’t understand why you
can’t give clothing away that you
haven’t worn in the past year!” I blew
up with an unkind response, and a
verbal battle ensued. Moments later,
Gene said, “I’m sorry; will you forgive
me? I’m not really mad about the
closet, and I’m certainly not angry
with you.” That day we eventually fell
into each other’s arms and wept, recognizing
that our feelings about Jason
were contributing to conflicts.
Together we agreed that the bond
of love we shared was stronger than
our momentary bursts of temper—
and we would choose forgiveness
immediately and repeatedly. Author
and radio co-host Elisa Morgan
writes: “Forgiveness usually isn’t a
one-time experience. It’s an ongoing
process. You have to work at it.” She’s
right! It isn’t easy—but it’s worth it!
I will control my tongue.
One of my most vivid memories
from my growing-up years involved
my family having dinner in the
home of friends from church. One
day I was in the kitchen helping
several adults with final meal preparations.
Mrs. Johnson,* the hostess,
was wearing a short-sleeved dress
and was dripping with perspiration
at the stove. As she reached for
a spatula, Mr. Johnson grasped the
loose flesh under her arm and jiggled
it back and forth. “I think it’s
time for us to work on the battle of
the bulge,” he said.
Mrs. Johnson’s face turned red.
She was obviously deeply hurt by
his insensitive comment. My parents
looked embarrassed, said they
needed to check on their kids and
left the kitchen. From that point on,
I knew that one of the most important
issues for me when I married would
be my husband’s loyalty—I wanted a
spouse who would not put me down
with unkind words, either in public
or in private.
Before our words could get us into
all kinds of trouble, Gene and I made
these choices:
• To use positive, uplifting, kind and
encouraging words.
• To be first to admit when you’re
wrong and be first to apologize. >>>
LISTEN NOW!
Hear Carol Kent discuss her
emotional struggles and the
spiritual lessons she learned during
a horrific crisis in her family life.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
August / september 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 15

The
Hope
Restored
marriage counselling
retreat
A biblically based program
to restore and rebuild
your marriage
• To think first, rather than lashing
out in anger.
Just before Gene and I got married,
my father reminded us of an
important Scripture, Ephesians
4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come
out of your mouths, but only such
as is good for building up, as fits the
occasion, that it may give grace to
those who hear.”
I will seek God’s will and make
decisions quickly following
reasonable consideration.
I found decision-making difficult
when it came to our crisis with an
incarcerated son. The questions surrounding
our finances, our ministry
efforts and our housing situation
were overwhelming.
We discovered that when we regularly
spent time with the Lord—alone
and together—Scripture passages we
were reading helped to confirm our
decisions. We discussed the options,
shared what we believed God was
nudging us to do, and then made the
next important choice, without looking
back. This mode of operating
amid challenging times was freeing
and empowering. We sought God’s
leading—through His Word, through
prayer, through rational discussions
with each other—and we committed
to doing the next right thing as
quickly as possible.
Empowering choices
On the day of Jason’s conviction
and sentencing, the news media
descended on us. Cameras and
microphones were thrust in our
faces—and we left the courthouse as
quickly as we could walk out to the
privacy of our car. That night, all we
could do was hug each other and cry.
No words could express the pain in
our hearts.
As week followed week, we found
solace in holding each other. One
day Gene looked at me tenderly
and said, “I couldn’t do this without
you. The journey is too hard.” We
were learning step by step and day
by day that we could survive, and
maybe even learn how to thrive if
we stayed committed to being “in
this together.” We determined that
we would learn how to laugh again
and that we would be intentional
about thanking God for opportunities
to encourage other couples even
though our own situation wasn’t
ideal. As a couple, we verbalized
our commitment to build a stronger
marriage—and now we make daily
choices to reaffirm that decision. •
Carol Kent is a conference speaker and the
author or co-author of more than 20 books,
including Staying Power: Building a stronger
marriage when life sends its worst.
*some names have been changed.
Call us today
to find out more
1.833.999.HOPE (4673)
HopeRestoredCanada.ca
ARE YOU PRE-
DECISION READY?
Read these statements
aloud. Discuss with your
spouse how well you put
these statements into
action as a couple.
• We value and respect advice from each other.
• We serve each other sacrificially.
• We forgive quickly when offended.
• We think before we speak.
• We ask God for guidance in our
decision-making.

FOR HIM / COUPLES
finding
my inner
handyman
How many years does it
take a husband to replace
a light fixture for his wife?
BY JAY PAYLEITNER
ISTOCK.COM / FLAMINGO_PHOTOGRAPHY
OUR HOUSE WAS 20
YEARS OLD when we moved in,
but in good shape overall. Yet some
things weren’t our style. The wallpaper.
The kitchen cabinets. And the blue
toilet in the kids’ bathroom. But it
flushed and didn’t leak. We could live
with it.
There was one project my wife,
Rita, wanted me to tackle immediately:
the massive fluorescent
light fixture over the kitchen island.
Personally, I liked how it illuminated
the entire room. Rita called that fixture
the “surgery lights” and rarely
allowed it to be turned on.
I heard her complaints. I validated
her desires. And yet I said, “OK,
when one of the bulbs burns out,
we’ll replace the whole thing.”
Well, apparently some fluorescent
bulbs last forever. Especially when
electricity never flows through them.
To her credit, Rita didn’t nag. But
she did . . . remind. And I . . . delayed.
I know I’m not a handyman. I dread
any kind of leak or loose hinge. And
I know something else: As soon as I
complete one project, Rita might have
another one lined up. It’s not like I can
finish these tasks and find rest.
But I needed to do something
about that huge light fixture. So for
our wedding anniversary, I grabbed
some brochures from the lighting
supply store and folded them
inside a nice card. She opened the
card, saw the materials and thanked
me profusely. Within days we had
picked out light fixtures, and I found
a wonderful electrician who helped
us with installation. He hauled away
the old fluorescent monstrosity and
patched everything up. All for less
than I’d paid for more traditional
anniversary presents in the past.
There will always be things that
need fixing—projects we need to get
to sooner rather than later. A family
does not tolerate an inoperable toilet
for long.
Even if you’re not a natural, it’s
good to embrace your inner handyman,
at least for the easy stuff. So
clean the gutters. Plunge the toilet.
Replace the thermostat. Wedge the
sliding door back on track.
And there are also things in your
home that are not broken, but your
wife wants changed. Don’t argue. Don’t
debate. Don’t put them off too long.
If it’s on the honey-do list, be a
honey and do it. •
Jay payleitner is a freelance Christian radio
producer, speaker at men's events and author
of 52 Things Wives Need From a Husband.
August / september 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 17

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from focus on the family
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parenting expert Danny Huerta helps you excel
in seven powerful parenting traits that lead to
the best outcomes for kids. Boost your ability
to cope well with stress, communicate well,
resolve conflict and more, and watch your kids
thrive as they learn these skills from you too!
Order online at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca or call 1.800.661.9800

Faith & Inspiration
Helping kids stand with
God in a shifting culture
BY DAVID BENHAM WITH JASON BENHAM
ILLUSTRATIONS BY MATT CHINWORTH
August / september 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19

FAITH & INSPIRATION / STANDING FIRM
THE WORLD WE’RE RAIS-
ING OUR KIDS IN SURE IS
DIFFERENT from the one we
grew up in. When my brother, Jason,
and I were kids, my dad marched us
out of the theater halfway through
a movie. It was so embarrassing.
But he’d had enough of the movie’s
problematic content. He even said
something to the theater manager,
who apologized and refunded our
money. Can you imagine that happening
today?
Fast forward to the world we live
in, where our families now avoid the
local library during “Drag Queen Story
Hour,” an event where cross-dressing
men read stories to children. When
we mentioned our concerns to the
library manager, he ignored us. Word
soon got out, and our family was
publicly mocked by the local newspaper
as bigoted and intolerant of the
library’s “display of diversity.”
If you had told my brother and me
all those years ago that we would be
branded as bigots for saying drag
queens shouldn’t be kids’ entertainment,
we would have thought you
were nuts. But times have changed.
“The cost of biblical convictions
in contemporary culture is growing
steeper every day,” writes David Platt
in Counter Culture. “We are not far
removed from sharing more soberly
in the sufferings of Christ.”
As the roots of those costs continue
to become more apparent,
how can we help our kids grow
to stand strong in the face of the
world’s intolerance?
Be lovers of God’s Word
Why is it that doing devotions as a
family is often so difficult? The kids
are too tired, have too much homework,
or would rather do something
else. Why is it such a battle?
As parents, we need to better recognize
how powerfully God’s Word
works in the hearts and minds of our
kids. To give our kids’ faith a fighting
chance, we must prioritize family
study of the truths God has given us.
In our home, we have devotion
time in the evenings, reading passages
and talking about how they
address or are similar to challenges
we face at school or in our relationships.
We also include worship
music, closing our eyes and reflecting
on what we’ve heard in Scripture.
We aim to eliminate distractions
and let God’s truth permeate our
hearts and our home. Most of all, we
want a home life where whatever
our kids have witnessed in culture,
chances are good we’ll cover it by
recognizing God’s perspective. We
hope that these moments we spend
together talking about His Word will
embolden our kids and strengthen
them in the difficult times.
Embrace the struggle
I remember sitting with our 10-yearold
son at the kitchen table, listening
to him moan as he faced his math
worksheet. Literally moaning and
crying. The agony worried me a bit,
although I supposed that he was
just trying to get out of his homework.
But I began to have doubts. Is
this too difficult for him? I wondered.
Did our rough morning take a toll on
him? Could he be hungry or tired?
Well, I was hungry and tired of
hearing all his complaining over
math, but we got through it. Then
we packed up and headed outside to
play. I really just wanted him to be
happy, because it made me happy
that he was happy!
Yes, I recognize that our kids’
happiness isn’t the goal—raising
resilient and courageous children is.
And training them to walk through
suffering is the key. We’ve learned
this the hard way, as our kids often
seemed ill-equipped to face hard
times. But we thank God for His
grace—because the Lord has done
amazing things in our kids’ lives.
Today we have a vision for our
kids to embrace the struggle and
not avoid it. When our children go
through hard times, and we guide
them in love, they experience healing
and growth that draw them
nearer to God and mature them
in their faith. My wife, Lori, commented
on this: “If our kids are going
to stand strong in this dark world,
they must embrace the struggle. We
cannot shrug away from suffering.
Suffering is a tool that the Lord can
use to strengthen us. It produces
endurance, character and hope.”
Hard times bring us to our knees
and often bring us closer to God. Of
course, we don’t like to see our kids
struggle. We don’t like to struggle. Yet,
it’s in the struggle that we flesh out
our faith. Our kids desperately need
these encounters, not more things
that make them happy.
The challenges are unavoidable.
Will your kids be ready? Will they
stand when no one is standing? Will
they know how to face adversity well?
We must prepare our kids. When
they are small, their problems are
small, but as we guide them through
these trials, we equip them with the
skills and traits they need to face bigger
struggles. It’s a beautiful cycle.
Walking successfully through challenges
gives kids the character they
need to overcome future battles—
and that character produces hope
and confidence.
Keep an eternal
perspective
I recently asked my sister-in-law,
Tori, how she and Jason were training
their kids to stand strong amid
challenges throughout the school
year. She responded that it was so
helpful in their family to keep their
20
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
August / september 2020

focus on God’s kingdom, to keep an
eternal perspective amid the trials of
this earthly journey.
“Life is short, but eternity is forever,”
she said. “So in your heart and
mind, have eternity always in view.
I’ve seen how valuable this perspective
is, not only for me personally
but also as a mother. Our kids have
so much stuff tugging at them—the
Instagram likes, popularity at school,
athletic achievements, pressure
to conform. But this world, and all
these things that seem so important
in their hearts, it’s all going to pass
away.”
With three teenagers and a 9-yearold,
my brother and I are in the thick
of parenting. And we’re determined
to help our kids live with an eternal
perspective. Life is short, but eternity
is forever. We must help our kids
keep the perspective that best helps
them stand strong against a culture
that is hostile to their faith.
So create a family culture of
dependence on God’s Word, discipleship
and prayer. Commit to service,
to helping and serving others. Guide
your kids toward humility and excellence
in their talents and abilities,
with the understanding that these
character traits have eternal benefits.
Nothing this world offers compares
to the glory of eternity. •
David benham, along with his brother,
Jason benham, are the authors of Bold
and Broken: Becoming the bridge between
heaven and earth.
LISTEN NOW!
Join twins David and Jason
Benham as they share more about
family, faith and their time as
professional baseball players.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
August / september 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 21

FAITH & INSPIRATION / FOR HER
space for
seeking God
Your little ones need you . . .
and you need time with Him
BY MELISSA SPOELSTRA
MY DAY BEGAN DETERIORATING INTO CHAOS the moment I stepped out of bed. I had gotten up before
the kids to try to connect with God, but the baby woke early, drawing me immediately into mother mode. After lunch, my little
ones kept asking me for juice. My 4-year-old twins were taking turns messing with their older brother’s LEGO creation. He
loudly protested. An argument ensued, with the volume escalating as the twins vehemently defended the principle of sharing.
And I was halfheartedly trying to keep the noise level down because the baby was asleep . . . for now.
©KELLY KNOX / STOCKSY UNITED
22
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
August / september 2020

FOR HER / FAITH & INSPIRATION
As the afternoon wore on, I fled
to my bedroom and closed the
door, trying to get a few minutes of
peace. I moved toward a rug next
to my bed and slipped onto my
knees. Emotionally and spiritually,
I was running on empty. I needed
a moment to gather my thoughts,
reflect and ask for God’s help with
my role as a mother before I started
preparing dinner.
I had a solid five minutes to worship
and recount some reasons to
be thankful, when the sound of the
doorknob turning distracted me.
One of the twins had discovered my
hideout. “Are you praying, Mommy?”
my little one asked.
My child, full of giggles, began
crawling on my back. Before I knew
it, a full-on wrestling, playing, cuddling
session had begun.
My attempt to get a break might
seem like an epic fail; however, those
few minutes helped me shift from
frustration to appreciating the gift
of mothering young ones. Yet I’ve
noticed that taking time to renew
myself can sometimes leave me
feeling guilty.
What’s peculiar about those
feelings is that Jesus taught and
modeled spiritual rhythms for His
followers. Why wouldn’t I need them,
too? Jesus got away to be alone
with His Father (Luke 5:16), and He
taught His disciples how to pray
(Matthew 6:5-15). Jesus also showed
that God’s Word addresses our daily
concerns, often asking His followers,
“Have you not read . . . ,” referring to
the Scriptures (Matthew 12:3,5; 19:4;
and 22:31).
Being like Jesus means caring for
my soul through prayer and Bible
reading. During those busy years of
mothering my young children, I desperately
needed spiritual rhythms,
but during that stage of my life, they
seemed almost impossible to capture.
Finding quiet time alone with
God often eludes me during seasons
when I am overwhelmed with
responsibilities, but I’ve found it’s
worth fighting for. Here are some
ideas that helped me develop spiritual
rhythms when my children were
young.
Give yourself permission
to pursue God
Quiet, rest and reflection are God’s
idea. Stop feeling bad for needing
what the Lord says you need. When
you change your mindset to elevate
the value of soul care, you prioritize
quiet times as a necessity rather
than a luxury you don’t deserve.
Just as our vehicles need regular
refueling, we moms need our spiritual
gas tanks filled so we can face
tantrums, meal prep, fights and booboos
with patience and grace.
Never stop starting
Over the years, I have started many
different programs and schedules for
reading the Bible, praying and reflecting
on God. I only followed through a
fraction of the time, and I seldom finished
the programs or books.
“Failing” can be so discouraging
that I’m tempted to avoid setting
goals. The thinking goes like this: If
I don’t make a plan to intentionally
spend time with the Lord, then I can’t
fail if I don’t do it.
As the saying goes, when you aim
for nothing, you hit it every time.
But I realized that I persevere in
other areas, even if I don’t do it perfectly.
For example, many times I
have started exercise or healthy eating
plans and failed. But did I stop
pursuing health for my physical
body? Of course not. So I’ve learned
to persist. When one scenario isn’t
working out, I try something else
until I find the rhythm that works
with my schedule and lifestyle. >>>
“Being
like Jesus
means
caring for
my soul
through
prayer
and Bible
reading.”
August / september 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 23

Use quiet moments wisely
Complication is the enemy of consistency. The
more elaborate I made my plans to connect with
the Lord, the more prone they were to fail.
If I managed to wake up before the kids, to get
them all down for an afternoon rest or to stay up a
little later to connect with God, I sometimes found
myself reverting to scrolling on social media,
devouring a Netflix episode, paying bills or—my
personal favorite—feasting on chocolate.
There is a time and a place for those activities.
But after you have fought for that quiet time, don’t
fritter it away. Spend it on things that will truly
nourish your soul. Ask yourself this question,
What activity will leave me feeling most connected
with God when it’s over?
For me the answer is usually reading Scripture,
writing my prayers (because my mind wanders so
easily), sitting quietly and counting my blessings
or singing along to a worship song.
Make a list of the ways you best connect with
God and identify your favorites to help you get the
most out of your time spent on soul care.
Celebrate progress, not perfection
No matter how simple I keep my spiritual rhythm
plans, days will come when I will miss them.
Illness, business trips and even holidays can throw
off my spiritual rhythms.
When this happens to you, give yourself grace.
Remember that if you planned to spend 10 minutes
each day with God and you did it for only four out
of seven days in the week, that is four more times
than if you weren’t pursuing a quiet time at all.
My oldest son and the twins are now in college,
and my “baby” is finishing high school. Nobody
is fighting over LEGOs or asking me for juice anymore,
but I still need my spiritual tank filled on a
regular basis. Recently, my daughter recalled those
times when she found me in my bedroom on my
knees. It made an impact on her. She is now figuring
out how to connect with God during her busy
college routine. Pursuing quiet doesn’t have to be
complicated or hyperspiritual, but it does require
intentionally prioritizing spiritual rhythms. •
melissa spoelstra is the author of Dare to Hope: Living
intentionally in an unstable world.

BRIO / FAITH & INSPIRATION
for a new
generation
empowering teen
girls to live out their
faith and embrace
their identity as
children of god
BY SCOTT JOHNSON
THE BEAUTIFUL MESS
“MOM, I’M GOING TO CHECK THE
MAILBOX!”
That’s Sarah, a girl in her early teens who’s probably
a lot like someone in your own life. She might
remind you of your daughter or granddaughter.
Maybe she wears her hair the same way your favorite
niece does or laughs just like the girl who helps out
at the church nursery.
And like most girls her age, Sarah finds that life is . . .
complicated. Sure, she has loving parents, a supportive
church community and a solid biblical foundation.
But even with those positive influences, Sarah
struggles with feelings of confusion, of being misunderstood
and unnoticed.
The pings sounding from Sarah’s phone are constant
reminders of new selfies her friends have posted.
Some of the pics make Sarah feel uncomfortable, but if
she doesn’t respond with “likes,” her friends may start
unfollowing her.
The drama doesn’t stop there. Fresh into the new
school year, Sarah already thinks she’s an outsider
for not watching that edgy new show everyone else is
raving about. And when she says that, for now, she’d
like to hold off on dating? The girls respond as though
Sarah’s plans are just plain laughable.
But on this day, standing at the mailbox, Sarah is
hoping to see something special inside. Something
that always helps her feel connected and appreciated.
There, mixed among the bills and junk mail,
Sarah spots it. A magazine with a cover photo of a girl
who looks . . . normal. Sarah rushes back to the house,
clutching the newest edition of Brio magazine.
Finally—something to read from friends who
understand. >>>
August / september 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 25

FAITH & INSPIRATION / BRIO
“My teen daughter just loves your magazine
and has grown in her Christian
walk by reading Brio. As a parent, I
really appreciate the fact that you
don’t shy away from the hard topics.
. . . They are so relevant for today’s
teens—especially for what they deal
with in public schools.”
—Jenni
The Christian life—with zest
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family originally launched Brio magazine
for teen girls in March 1990. Brio is an Italian word
meaning “vigor” and “vivacity.” The intent of the magazine
has always been to inspire girls to daily live out
their Christian faith with passion and determination.
Brio was highly popular with readers and won many
industry awards throughout the 1990s and early 2000s.
Unfortunately, following the economic downturn of
2008, <strong>Focus</strong> suspended publication in February 2009.
Still, over the years it became clear that there was a
strong interest in—and need for—the encouraging biblical
message that Brio communicates to young women.
The magazine relaunched in May 2017 and was
redesigned in 2019 to better address the needs of
today’s young teen. The current format is a 76-page,
bimonthly publication, and each issue is an adventure.
Readers come away with cultural insights, health and
beauty tips, and a better understanding of how other
Christians are inspiring their generation.
Brio wants to be a faith-based voice in a teen girl’s
world that inspires hope and joy. Whether an article
discusses body image, boys or social media, the team
addresses these relevant topics through a filter of their
shared faith in Jesus.
“Teens tell us they love getting their magazine in the
mail and appreciate having a copy in hand to read
and share,” says Pam Woody, Brio’s editorial director.
“They enjoy the expanded version with room for notes,
prayers, doodling and journaling.”
THE BEAUTIFUL MESS
“As a father of three daughters, I can’t
tell you how much I appreciate your
magazine. I took my teen daughter
out to lunch last week, and she
spent the whole time talking about
every subject your magazine covered.
Most of it is stuff I don’t know
how to approach. It is a real source
of encouragement for us.”
—Greg
Go to BrioMagazine.ca to find out
more and subscribe.
26
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
August / september 2020

BRIO / FAITH & INSPIRATION
A new generation
Some of the current Brio subscribers are secondgeneration
readers: Their moms received the magazine
when they were teenagers and have embraced the
relaunched version for their daughters. But times
have changed.
“Teens now carry the world in their pockets through
smartphones, and they’re constantly connected to the
world through social media,” Pam says. “Technology
has already exposed these girls to big issues and big
questions, so we want to come alongside them with
honest and insightful responses to the things they face
every day.”
From the feedback Brio receives, the team knows
that teen girls find themselves living in an age that is
defined by pop culture, influencers and social-media
messaging. “I’m encouraged by the honesty and faith of
our readers,” Pam says. “They have a willingness
to discuss the big issues of life. They have a hunger
for truth. They want us to be real with them—and in
return I have hope they will be real with themselves
and with God. I see them growing to be strong and
“I love absolutely everything about Brio!
Each month, my daughter and I get so
excited to receive our copy. We plan a
special time to read it together. So many
great ideas, stories and conversations
that always come out of the pages!”
—Christy
passionate women who live countercultural to the
messages currently bombarding them.”
The Brio team wants each reader to know that she
isn’t defined by social media and the cultural fads of
the day. “She’s seen. Her questions are valid, her stresses
understandable,” Pam says. “We want to encourage her
to go easy on herself—body, soul and spirit. Perfection
is unattainable, and grace is so much more freeing than
guilt. We want her to know that God created her with
purpose and with a voice, and the Brio team is cheering
for her as she finds that purpose and uses that voice.” •
scott Johnson is a senior writer in the ministry Values division at
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
worthy.
beautiful.
enough.
The Brio team recognizes that growing into womanhood
is a great adventure. It’s also a journey filled with challenges
and detrimental messages from the culture
around us. That’s why each issue of Brio magazine
includes this welcome statement for teen readers:
CREDIT TK
You are beautifully designed for a unique purpose
and desperately loved by a faithful Savior. Here at
Brio you belong to a community that will encourage
you to own your faith, be confident in your
body and discover who you are as a child of God.
As you navigate these teen years, know that you
are not alone. We’re here to listen, to speak truth, to
offer hope. So, let’s talk about the issues that matter
to you. Remember, you are God’s good work created
with a purpose and loved beyond measure.
You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are enough.
August / september 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 27

understands
a teen girl’s world!
EACH ISSUE OF BRIO FEATURES:
76 pages of faith-building content
for teen girls on culture, body image,
social media, relationships and more
Truth-filled answers for tough
issues teens face
A fun design that teens will love
Journal pages to capture thoughts,
prayers and ideas!
6
issues
a year
Inspire teen girls to grow in their faith!
order or renew online at briomagazine.ca
or call 1.800.661.9800

Kids & Teens
ADAPTABILITY
AN ESSENTIAL PARENTING TRAIT
A fl exible mindset can make a big
difference in how we respond to challenges
BY DANIEL P. HUERTA / ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIAN MELLEMA
“I JUST CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE,”
a woman told me over the phone. She was crying.
I was on a counseling call with her, and she had
locked herself in the bathroom because she was afraid
she might hurt her children. Through the phone I
could hear her kids calling for her and knocking on
the door.
As we talked, the mom revealed that she was
exhausted and overwhelmed.
My immediate goal was to help her calm down and
regain perspective. But I knew that what this mom
really needed were the skills to adapt to the many
trying situations we face as parents.
The ability to adapt is crucial for parents. It’s simply
not possible to anticipate every stressful event and
change that life can bring.
After all, plans and people change. Relationships
and expectations change. And that’s not even considering
earthshaking events that temporarily close
schools, churches and businesses, wreaking havoc on
the daily workings of family life.
Yet we’re not helpless. We can grow in the art of adaptability.
Let’s consider four qualities we can embrace that
will help us develop as adaptable parents. >>>
August / september 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 29

KIDS & TEENS / ADAPTABILITY
Practicing flexible thinking
We have a couple of mottos in the Huerta house.
When we face difficulties, we say, “There is always
a solution.” And we frequently ask ourselves, “Is
there another way to look at this?” Having a flexible
mindset makes a big difference in how we
respond to challenging circumstances.
Imagine you’ve caught your child in a lie, and
perhaps your child seems to be acting defiant, too.
The easy thing to do—the inflexible thing—would
be to focus on the dishonesty and disrespect, and
dispense some kind of consequence. But flexible
thinking may lead you to a different approach.
You might ask some questions about the circumstances
that led to the dishonesty. What might
your child have seen, heard or interpreted, whether
from you or from someone else, that could possibly
have motivated this lie? Is your son struggling with
a particular emotion—fear, anxiety, frustration or
anger—that might have played a role in shaping his
behavior? Is your daughter afraid of telling the truth
because she thinks it will get her into trouble?
Flexibility is the ability to see things from multiple
perspectives. It requires an open mind and a
willingness to dig deeper. It’s about leaving room
for imperfection in the midst of the pressures
and disappointments of everyday life. It’s a skill
that we all need to cultivate if we want to survive
and thrive as parents in a world of adversity and
unpredictability.
Pausing to see
the bigger picture
Busy parents often get caught in a vicious cycle
of stress and shortsightedness. Shortsightedness
creates stress because as we focus too intently on
short-term problems, we can lose touch with the
rest of the world and heighten our sense of helplessness.
Stress, in turn, can cause shortsightedness
by magnifying our difficulties and making them
look bigger than they really are. Under the influence
of stress, problems swell to the point where we
can no longer see beyond them.
To break free from this cycle, we must strive to
shift our thoughts toward the larger goals of family
life. That starts by pausing to consider how we’re
interpreting what is happening, and then trying to
see things from multiple perspectives.
When we watch movies, we sometimes have to
hit the pause button to think about what we’ve just
seen, to process a confusing bit of dialogue or plot
point. This is true in family life as well. Sometimes
we need to hit the pause button long enough to get
our bearings and think through our plan of action.
When my kids were small, I often had to pause
and recognize some basics about misbehavior. I
had to remember that very little of what children
do to misbehave is deliberately done to hurt
their parents. They’re just responding to their
experiences in life as they learn how to manage
themselves.
30
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August / september 2020

ADAPTABILITY / KIDS & TEENS
I once counseled a mom who told me she was
overwhelmed by daily life and was ready to be done
being a mom. As we continued meeting, she agreed
that putting her reaction on pause for a few minutes
would be helpful in figuring out what to do
and where to go mentally and emotionally.
She began consistently taking time to pray, go
for a walk and enjoy a good laugh. She even drew
“pause buttons” on sticky notes that she posted
around her house and in her car as reminders, and
she used these moments of quiet to observe and
gain perspective.
As a result, she was able to listen more attentively
to her children and respond with more patience.
Pausing to see the big picture—and taking time
to process what was otherwise obscuring that picture—helped
this mom fill her emotional reserves
and become a more effective parent.
Choosing a
growth mindset
A few years ago, Carol Dweck, in her book Mindset:
The New Psychology of Success, described two
important approaches to life challenges: the
growth mindset and the fixed mindset. Dweck
describes the compelling scientific evidence for
the importance of having and instilling a growth
mindset in ourselves and our children.
I’ll admit that I sometimes fall into a more fixed
mindset in times of stress. I think, It is what it is. In
other words, I succumb to the belief that I either
have the skills to deal with the issue at hand or I
don’t; my abilities can’t really change. This fixed perspective
keeps me from seeing creative solutions or
allowing myself space to experiment, change and
grow. It stunts growth.
In contrast, a growth mindset sees life as an
ongoing opportunity for change and personal
development. A growth mindset encourages letting
go of the pursuit of perfection and giving ourselves
(and our children) room for experimentation, failures,
do-overs and restarts. In a growth mindset,
grace toward ourselves and others helps us adapt
to human imperfections. The grace inherent in a
growth mindset also helps us maintain the perspective
that raising kids is a journey of ups and downs.
Letting go of the ideal and moving toward
growth as a child of God is freeing. And God gives
us so many opportunities to grow. He never said
parents were going to start out with all of the necessary
skills. He consistently says to trust in Him
and connect with Him along the journey. Indeed,
an open, growth-oriented mindset, founded on
trust in God, helps us adjust to the amazing life
God has planned for us.
Adjusting on the fly
Do you ever wish each child came with his or
her own instruction manual? That’s not the case,
unfortunately. Indeed, your unique challenge is
August / september 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 31

KIDS & TEENS / ADAPTABILITY
that nobody on earth has ever raised your child
before. No book or expert speaks directly to your
child’s specific design.
And that brings us to the final essential element
of adaptability: a willingness to learn on the job.
In parenting, you are shaping another human
being while also being significantly shaped along
the way. There are moments of growth for both
you and your children. This growth includes
learning about your own personality, each child’s
personality, and specific triggers that tend to bring
out good and bad parenting.
There’s only one way to meet these challenges
effectively: You have to stay in the game, even
when things aren’t going right. Stick close to your
children as you discover what makes them tick
and what gets them moving in the direction of
learning and growth. Study them to see patterns
emerging. Some days, you may feel like throwing
in the towel, but remember that the twists and
turns of life keep you on your toes.
In the meantime, accept your own imperfections,
seeing them as inevitable opportunities for
growth. Lean on the Lord for strength and understanding.
Take notes as you progress and learn
from your mistakes.
Finally, adjust your parenting strategies by using
the knowledge you’ve acquired along the way and
the wisdom you’ve gained from what God is doing
in the lives of you and your children.
If you do this, you will not only succeed at your
task, but you’ll also be better able to set the kind of
example that will encourage your children to grow
spiritually. All you have to do is bring your imperfect
self to the job and give everything you can give
out of your imperfect best.
You are, after all, the very best candidate for
the job. •
Daniel p. Huerta is the vice president of parenting and Youth
at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. this article has been adapted from his
book, Seven Traits of Effective Parenting.
32
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
August / september 2020

GIFTS & TALENTS / KIDS & TEENS
LITTLE BIG
DREAMERS
Nurturing our kids in
their god-given talents
BY SHELIA ERWIN
ISTOCK.COM / MAX-KEGFIRE, EVGENYATAMANENKO
ONE MORNING IN 2014, my husband, Hank,
and I were standing together and looking out our hotel
window at the Grauman’s Chinese Theatre. It was one of
the big “worth it” moments for us as parents. That night
we would walk the red carpet for the world premiere of
our two sons’ newest movie.
I’m often asked how I responded when Andy and Jon
said they believed God wanted them to make movies.
Well, I believed my boys, and I believed in them. I also
believed that God wanted me to be part of that process.
As parents, we can easily become stressed and discouraged
as we juggle the many tasks of raising kids,
especially highly creative children. Yet I believe that God
equips those He has called. When we help cultivate our
children’s God-given gifts, He in turn equips them for the
work He has in mind.
Parent the children God gives you
Early on, I saw some issues in my sons’ temperaments
that, if left unbridled, could someday rise up to destroy
them. They could show such ferocity at times, and in
such different ways. I had believed that it was my job as
a parent to tame these wild stallions.
But I began to recognize that these traits were part
of my sons’ unique personalities, and if they could be
brought under the control of God’s wisdom and direction,
they would be the making of creative, passionate
thoroughbreds. That doesn’t mean Hank and I avoided
teaching discipline and responsibility, or helping our
boys recognize sin and try to steer clear of it. But it did
require a worldview adjustment, an understanding that
some of our boys’ qualities didn’t need to be diminished
but given direction. >>>
August / September 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 33

KIDS & TEENS / GIFTS & TALENTS
We asked God for wisdom, trusting
Him that it would be given (James
1:5). And God showed up, helping us
direct our boys’ inner fire, guiding
our parenting decisions to nurture
curiosity, creativity and compassion
without extinguishing their passion.
I was recently talking with Jon,
now a parent himself. I mentioned
that the character traits that I had to
discipline him and his brother for—
the ones that drove me crazy!—are
the very traits that God is using in
their lives in accomplishing His will.
The Creator of all things can take
our weaknesses and turn them into
strengths.
Instead of asking why God made a
child the way He did, ask Him, “What
guidance and direction do You have
for this child?” Be thankful for how
He has made your children, always
seeking wisdom in how you can best
equip them.
Grace through mistakes
I was a creative child myself, which
generally drove my mother up the
wall. When I was about 12 years
old, I spent many hours painting a
portrait of my mom while she was
in the hospital. When she arrived
home, I met her at the door with
my gift, but she could only see the
oil paint all over her kitchen table.
As a mom, I can understand her
response. How often do we look
past those surges of childhood creativity
and see only the mess, the
broken camera, the tools left out in
the rain? In those moments with my
sons, I remembered the pain I felt
over my mother’s lack of acknowledging
my creative efforts. And I
wanted to be better with my boys.
Yet I also recognized that my
mom taught me how to live a more
disciplined, responsible life, to
not let my creativity control and
consume me. And so there is a balance
here, between nurturing a
child’s creative spirit and helping
him or her understand that we must
still operate within certain practicalities
and responsibilities.
As I encountered the mess and
complications of raising two creative
boys, I stuck to a principle
of first seeing things through my
sons’ eyes, not just my grown-up
eyes. I wanted my boys to know
that I treasured their unique, fiery
spirits and creativity. One of the
most important things we all need
to see is that we are unique creations
of God who have been
“fearfully and wonderfully made”
(Psalm 139:14).
Let your children know that God
has a special plan for that uniqueness.
Ask God to give them a clear
understanding of the work He
designed them to accomplish.
ISTOCK.COM / ROBERT DALY, PEOPLEIMAGES
34
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August / September 2020

GIFTS & TALENTS / KIDS & TEENS
ISTOCK.COM / PINSTOCK, PROSTOCK-STUDIO, MAX-KEGFIRE
Teach what you know;
trust God for the rest
Hank encouraged the boys to dream
big, often teaching them a key principle
that would make the difference in
everything they tried to do. He called
it “The Wow Factor.” If someone sees
your work and says, “That’s nice,”
you’re not done. Go back and work
some more until they say, “Wow!”
Our sons’ journey into filmmaking
began with Hank’s love for radio and
television. Hank worked at a Dallas
TV station to help pay for seminary.
After a year, the news director asked
him to join their news team. Our
sons grew up thinking all fathers
were on TV, and in their teen years,
they were allowed to work on their
dad’s set. They caught the same bug
their father had, working as cameramen
for high school football
games, editing video clips and learning
to operate the machines in the
production booth. They branched
out into making short films for Word
of Life summer camps, using their
maturing storytelling skills to integrate
the Gospel message into every
video that the campers took home.
As these projects and others began
to accumulate, they learned that
God could take limited resources
and do mighty work.
Step by step, God began to teach
the boys how to make a movie. He
did this by opening doors for projects
that were just a little bit out of
their existing skill set. As they were
willing to learn new skills, other
assignments would come. Just as
God was faithful to enable our sons
to do what He had called them to
do, He will do the same for your children,
even if it doesn’t look anything
like what you’ve expected or imagined
as parents.
At some point, the active role of
parents starts to fade from this picture.
But as God equips children
to grow their skills, parents have
a chance for a new role: to come
alongside them and be their fans. We
always waited to be asked into our
sons’ world of filmmaking, and when
they outgrew our ability to help, we
stepped aside. Now we stand on the
sidelines and cheer them on.
Prepare them for
disappointment
Following God’s plan doesn’t mean
we get to pursue our dreams without
failure and disappointment. When
our boys were young, we taught
them that God has His plan, and
even if it is different from our plan,
we will submit to it. Yes, there might
be pain and disappointment and
long periods of waiting, but we can
thank Him for His wisdom and presence
in the midst of the journey. >>>
August / September 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 35

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raising two dreamers who became
film producers.
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He directs and instructs us by both
giving and withholding.
My sons encountered a major
obstacle and disappointment with
their first big film. Everything was
going great. The movie was finished.
Then came the low point. They were
told that because of the subject matter,
no one wanted to distribute
the movie in theaters. Even though
promises had been made, they were
told to just put it out on DVD and try
to make their money back.
With this heartbreaking news,
Andy and Jon sought God’s direction
in prayer. They decided that the Lord
really did want this movie to be seen
by a broader audience than a DVD
format could offer. While Andy was
editing the movie, Jon set out to raise
the $2 million needed to market and
distribute the film.
So we all prayed. Eventually, the
money began to arrive. But God first
had to take them to the end of their
human resources before He began
to provide. And in October of 2012,
October Baby opened nationwide,
breaking into the top 10 movies that
first weekend, though it was only on
a limited number of screens.
Parents, we need to start early in
teaching our kids how to face disappointments,
because they are bound
to encounter obstacles on the way
to their dreams. There will be times
of heartache, times when they don’t
get in the band or their artwork isn’t
selected for an exhibition. Show
them how to keep trying, to keep
improving, to continue turning to
God and trusting His guidance. So
often God uses failure, and none of
us ever know what He is planning.
Only part of the
masterpiece
“Instead of being soloists, can we
become a symphony?” Those
were the words of my son Jon as
he and his brother announced the
co-founding of their new movie studio,
Kingdom Story Company. It was
a reminder that I am only part of
this masterpiece. Over the years, as
I did what I could to contribute to
my sons’ journey, I had only been
one brush in the hand of a powerful
God. I certainly hadn’t been the only
brush. He had used many brushes.
God had given my sons His creative
ambition. He had prepared
them for His dream for such a day
as this, and that kingdom story has
only just begun. •
shelia erwin is the author of Raising Up
Dreamers: Find and grow your child’s God-given
talents, from which this article has been adapted.

GRANDPARENTING / KIDS & TEENS
How to stay
connected with
your grandkids
as they grow
BY MARIE ISOM
PHOTOS BY ERIN DRAGO
August / September 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 37

KIDS & TEENS / GRANDPARENTING
MY GRANDDAUGHTER
OPHELIA rummaged through
the toy bin and held up two tattered
superhero capes.
“You wear the pink one,” she
instructed me and tried to place the
cape over my T-shirt. I scooped the
tiny 2-year-old into my arms, knowing
what came next.
She asked, “Should we dance or
fly-a-sky, Grandma?”
I was already scrolling through
the playlist on my phone in search
of the Mary Poppins song “Let’s Go
Fly a Kite.”
Within seconds, Ophie was
squealing as we twirled around the
room. Dancing—a generous term
for my awkward movements—is
one way I have connected with my
youngest grandchild.
Research by Oxford professor
Ann Buchanan indicates that a
high level of grandparent involvement,
whatever the activity, greatly
increases the overall well-being of
grandchildren. In a study of more
than 1,500 children, Buchanan
found that kids who have more
involved grandparents have fewer
emotional and behavioral problems
than kids who don’t have a regular
connection.
So how can grandparents ensure a
meaningful connection when they’re
with their grandchildren? There’s no
special grandparent glue, but we can
choose to study our grandchildren,
ask questions and be intentional
about spending time with them.
Studying grandkids
Each child is uniquely created
in God’s image. Therefore, it’s
important to watch for his emerging
interests, talents and personality
traits. You also can observe whether
your grandchild is an extrovert or
an introvert, a leader or a supporter.
Finally, you can take note of his
temperament.
Look, also, for signs of how your
grandchild expresses love to you
and other family members. Does
she enjoy spending time with you?
Does she always want to bring you
a gift? Does she like helping out in
the kitchen or snuggling on the sofa
with a book? These observations
from Dr. Gary Chapman’s research
on love languages can give you ideas
about how your grandchild is more
likely to experience your love when
you are together.
The goal of studying your grandchild
is to find a way to connect that
38
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August / September 2020

GRANDPARENTING / KIDS & TEENS
is meaningful to the child. The better
we understand our grand-blessings,
the stronger the connection.
Ask questions
When we interact with our grandkids,
we should strive to ask questions
that reveal their heart. Nurture
open-ended conversation instead
of yes-or-no questions. Showing an
interest in our grandkids as individuals
helps create a safe place for them
to ask questions in return. These
meaningful conversations are where
genuine mentoring often takes place.
GRANDPARENTS are far
more likely to overcome adversity
and become successful in school
and life, says school psychologist
Karyn Singley Blair, who has spent
20 years working with children and
adolescents. Blair identifies five
stages of development for children.
Understanding these stages will help
grandparents better relate to their
grandchildren.
KIDS WITH SUPPORTIVE
Spend time
Opportunity for connection with our
grandkids increases when we have Infants and toddlers:
one-on-one time with them, rather birth through 18 months
than engaging with multiple children
at once. But if you have more life, connection with a child is built
During the first year and a half of
grand-blessings than days in the mainly through physical contact
week, and it isn’t possible to spend and meeting their primary needs
time with each child individually, go so they develop trust in you, Blair
ahead and do activities in a group. says. Holding, feeding, reading
But find moments to engage with to and playing with kids this age
each grandchild so he knows you see builds familiarity and trust. Even at
him as an individual. •
this early stage, grandparents can
study temperaments and emerging
personalities. Most children up
to 18 months have a very limited
vocabulary but will still voice their
preferences when asked questions
such as “Do you want Grandpa to
read Green Eggs and Ham or Good
Good Father ?” or “Would you rather
color a picture or kick the soccer
ball?” Their answers will begin to
reveal their unique personalities.
Early childhood:
18 months to 3 years
At these ages, grandchildren will
desire to do things themselves but
will still need a lot of assistance.
Establish a bond through helping
them develop new skills. We learn a
great deal about our grandchildren
by patiently allowing them to work
alongside us in simple tasks such as
cooking, cleaning, doing yardwork
and drying dishes. >>>
LONG-DISTANCE
CONNECTIONS
Although bonding is easier when a grandparent is physically
present, meaningful connection with a grandchild can still
happen over long distances. Tina Knowles and her husband,
Jim, are new grandparents. “I think distance grandparenting
will be the story of our lives,” Tina admits.
She already uses FaceTime to read books to her grandson so
her voice becomes familiar to him. They use an app called
Tinybeans, which allows their daughters to share photos of
the growing grandkids every day.
Grandparent club
Notice what your grandchildren are interested in and
form a long-distance club related to that area of interest.
For Nancy Casterline, it has been a book club. She sends
books to her grandchildren, and after she and the kids read
each book, they discuss what they’ve read. This can also
be done with kids’ magazines.
Other grandparent clubs might focus on puzzles, kidfriendly
recipes, exercise, Scripture memorization or
drawing. You could also try a “word of the month” club,
where participants can do anything creative with the
month’s word, such as drawing, writing or painting.
Other ideas for connection
The point is to create common experiences. Here are other
ideas that grandparents have used to connect with longdistance
grandkids:
• Call individual grandchildren regularly.
• Offer to have the grandchildren visit you.
• Play online games together.
• Create videos to send to each other.
August / September 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 39

KIDS & TEENS / GRANDPARENTING
And keep noticing what makes
your grandchildren unique! Are they
detail-oriented or big-picture? Do
they lose interest easily, or can they
follow directions for a while?
When Lisa Hebbert noticed that
her 2-year-old granddaughter loved
to make messes, she began creating
mud pies with her. They later
moved into the kitchen, where they
exchanged mud for pudding and
began creating real desserts together.
Today, her granddaughter is a confident
cook, and the two of them
enjoy watching cooking shows
together.
Preschool: ages 3 to 5
Preschoolers love to play, and they
also start to imitate their caregivers.
Since laughter connects the generations,
be silly together. Allow plenty
of playtime, but also pay attention to
what a child struggles with and what
he is eager to learn. Ask how he feels
when he’s learning things.
When my granddaughter Caeris
was 3, she became frustrated
because she couldn’t catch a Frisbee,
and she told me this made her sad.
I purchased some Frisbee rings and
we practiced, celebrating each catch
with a silly victory dance. Now, at
5, she loves to play Frisbee, and it
has become one of our connections
as we talk about not giving up just
because something is hard.
School age: ages 6 to 12
School-age children are ready to
learn how to be good citizens and
become part of a bigger community.
Connection at this stage happens as
a child starts to discover the world
outside of his or her family.
Hebbert and her granddaughter
found common ground in looking
for ways to bless others—whether
creating May Day baskets to hang
on neighbors’ doorknobs or earning
money for a charity. Hebbert built
this connection as she recognized
her granddaughter’s generous heart
and has helped her serve the community
around her.
This connection comes from
LISTEN NOW!
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understanding the child, and it may
not always be a hobby or interest of
your own. My 6-year-old grandson
is developing a real love for drawing.
He constantly asks my husband and
me to show him how to draw things.
On my list of favorite things to do, I
place drawing right above cleaning
the bathroom. But to enter his world
and create a bond through something
he enjoys, I’ve begun viewing
drawing tutorials with him.
Whether I’m sitting with him and
helping with the tutorial or drawing
alongside him, we are building a
connection. That connection gives
me the opportunity to talk about
being OK with making mistakes
and encourage him to turn his mistakes
into something even better.
Mentoring is easier when we can use
an area of our grandchild’s interest
to nurture life lessons.
Adolescent: ages 12 to 18
As a grandparent, you know that a
teen is looking to find his or her own
identity and independence. Your
grandchild may begin to pull away
from family. Friends may become
more important.
To build and maintain connection
during this stage, be present but not
pushy. Get to know your grandchild’s
friends and teammates. Ask your
grandchild about his dreams, values
and beliefs. Building connection
means entering your grandchild’s
world rather than forcing him into
yours. •
40
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
August / September 2020

KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY
tea
party
Lillian, 4, Melody, 2, and Drew,
4 months
tea for three!
—Meghan from Ontario
(Kids L to R): Tanner, 5, McKinsey, 9,
Colin, 7, and Teagan Joy, 3
Daddy loves playing tea party with his four
children!
—Allison from Pennsylvania
Kolby, 6 months
A first tea party that was great, down to
the last plate.
—Jayme from Colorado
Your kids could be in <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine!
email photos* of your child going swimming or enjoying a family
vacation. (put “swimming” or “vacation fun” in the subject line.)
Send to: info@fotf.ca
* Largest photo possible—professional photos not accepted
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yet, when you consider purchasing an item,
the same questions resurface:
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Would a counsellor consider it sound advice?
Will the content engage your kids?
When you shop at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family
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