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explain why . . .' The Greater One slapped himself on the forehead, and turned to his people, his arms spread wide. 'Why . . . of course! This makes so much sense! We're living in the wrong world!' Bernice and Wolsey laughed along with him. 'So there's something we can do to work this out, right?' Benny asked. 'Oh, of course,' the Greater One grinned. 'Our master program here, storehouse of all our technological knowledge, and sprite for running the quantum particle fluctuations, who now rather wonderfully looks like a – what does he look like?' 'A genie,' said Wolsey. '– who now looks like a genie, will move through this invalid data and delete it all. We'll take this world by force, and transform your ship into what we wanted in the first place. Thank you so much for clearing up those few little queries for us.' 'Ah,' Bernice said. And, 'Oh.' And, 'Well . . .' Wolsey put a hand on her shoulder. 'I rather think it's time for that party piece you mentioned.' Bernice calmed herself. 'I think you're right.' She looked up at the towering ethereal presence of the genie and took a deep breath. 'Oi! Genie!' The genie looked down at her. 'Yes?' 'You think you're very powerful, correct?' 'Yes.' 'More powerful than the Fairy Godfather, who I'm certain was the personification of the central computer access sprite on my shipboard lectern? More powerful than the Wicked Queen and the Rat King, other programs on the ship's computer?' 'Yes.' 'More powerful even than the ship's mainframe itself, the intelligence that, in the world of panto, became the giant?' 'Yes.' Bernice snorted. 'Rubbish. I thoroughly disagree. You can't be such a powerful genie, because there's one particular feat that you're completely incapable of doing.' 'Oh no there isn't,' said the genie. A slow grin spread across Bernice's face. 'Oh yes there is.' 'Oh no there isn't.' 'Oh yes there is.' This continued for some time, until the genie looked ready to explode and many of the Perfectons were tapping their feet and looking at their metaphorical watches. 'Oh . . . no . . . there . . . isn't!' he bellowed. The Greater One raised a finger. 'Let me settle this. What is this feat of which you speak?' 'Simple,' Bernice said. 'It's easy to spout out of a lamp like that, but it's incredibly hard to get back in. I don't believe he can do it.' 'Do you seriously expect –' began the Greater One. Just a second too late. Because in that time, the genie had roared, reduced itself to a speck and vanished back into the lamp. This panto business, as Bernice had realized, was really rather catching. Wolsey leapt forward and grabbed it off the Greater One. Holding the lid on tight, he rolled back to Bernice and yelled. 'I've got it! Say the magic words!' Bernice blinked very slowly. 'The . . . magic words?' 'Yes, the magic words that will get us back to the castle!' 'Why don't you say them?' 'Because I've forgotten them.' Bernice felt a horror rising in her stomach, and clenched her buttocks very tightly. 'Oh sod. So have I.' The large and messy click of over a thousand safety catches being released echoed across the meadow. 'Give us back the lamp,' said the Greater One, 'and we will let you live . . . a little longer than everybody else.' 'Try to think of the magic words,' Wolsey puffed.
Bernice closed her eyes, half to help her think, half in anticipation of being horribly shot. She reached inside her mind, trying to remember all those absolute memory tricks that Professor Laight had taught her. Blank. She breathed deeply and slowly, searching for her hidden depths. She realized that there was a lumpy thing in her jerkin pocket. She put her hand on it. Slipped her finger into it. And opened her eyes smiling. She swung the finger with the green gem on it into the Greater One's line of sight. 'Ah-ha!' she said. 'You didn't bet on me having this, did you?' The Greater One adopted the tone of voice one uses to address infants who've brought home half a bat. 'No. What is it?' 'It's a ring which . . . does all sorts of dangerous things.' Bernice wondered if laughter meant the same thing for Perfectons as it did for humans. She hoped not. 'It can summon a powerful genie of my own.' 'Really?' said the Greater One. 'Then show us.' Bernice glared at him, and rubbed the gem. She was really only killing time, hoping that the magic words would pop into her head, or that Wolsey would remember them. So she was quite surprised when there was a burst of flame in front of her. Between her and Wolsey and the mass of the Perfecton army appeared Menlove Stokes.
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T H E N E W _______________________
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Contents CHAPTER 1 PORTERHATCH BLUE
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For Jac Rayner
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CHAPTER 1 PORTERHATCH BLUES The gre
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ook that everybody had bought but n
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questions that she couldn't answer.
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of them on the corner beside the Pa
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to keep me occupied on the journey
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CHAPTER 2 NEW ADVENTURES, NEW DANGE
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would be nice if we could all sing
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When they got back to the camp, Ber
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fist. 'Prepare the attack force!' E
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The knock on her door made her sit
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CHAPTER 3 A COMEDY TONIGHT Once upo
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ambitions. To go back to home and h
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'Hello!' called Lucinda, waving up
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What planet is this? Have we travel
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'What?' she cried out, stopping in
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drew when another slapped it. Stoke
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CHAPTER 4 WHAT KIND OF A-Z WOULD GE
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This continued for some time. From
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showing enough of himself to aim at
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schoolfriends that I'd met by accid
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From downstairs, there came a crash
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CHAPTER 5 BEAUTY AND BERNICE From t
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'Big, isn't it?' said Stokes. 'You
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She frowned, as if surprised by her
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She reached out and tugged his bear
Page 58 and 59: CHAPTER 6 A WHOLE NEW BALL GAME Abo
Page 60 and 61: Bernice tapped him gently with her
Page 62 and 63: the sisters that Candy had pointed
Page 64 and 65: go along with any one of these stor
Page 66 and 67: CHAPTER 7 FAIRY STORIES After sever
Page 68 and 69: nature of what we're all going thro
Page 70 and 71: een extraordinarily good ever since
Page 72 and 73: 'Where are we?' 'Fe fi fo fum!' roa
Page 74 and 75: 'If you make it angry,' Stokes hiss
Page 76 and 77: well, the closest translation is ju
Page 78 and 79: particularly the familiarity of the
Page 80 and 81: 'No,' Wolsey chuckled. 'Because I c
Page 82 and 83: if watching a parade of images whip
Page 84 and 85: else to go. And then by chance, I s
Page 86 and 87: echoing around the slimy walls. 'No
Page 88 and 89: couple of animated versions when sh
Page 90 and 91: she was standing against the bulk o
Page 92 and 93: and the other way round? Where are
Page 94 and 95: 'Is not the problem?' The horse nod
Page 96 and 97: take her eyes off the slaughter. On
Page 98 and 99: Several feet above the floor. With
Page 100 and 101: Bernice put a hand to her brow. She
Page 102 and 103: 'Did you all experience what you on
Page 104 and 105: CHAPTER 12 IMMINENT DESTRUCTION GRI
Page 106 and 107: Bernice and Wolsey stood at the edg
Page 110 and 111: CHAPTER 13 A CAT IN HELL'S CHANCE S
Page 112 and 113: these days.' She hooked her arms th
Page 114 and 115: take you out in the future to be ou
Page 116 and 117: *** Thooo stood in the translucent
Page 118 and 119: Extract from the Diary of Bernice S
Page 120 and 121: COMING SOON IN THE NEW ADVENTURES D
Page 122: O H N O I T I S N ' T ! 'THE KING'S
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