adventures

She reached out and tugged his beard. Pulled it left and right, all the ways she knew of
loosening the bolt that held an android's facial plate in place.
But the King's face stayed on. When she let go, he rubbed his chin and winced.
Bernice shrugged. 'So much for that idea.'
The King, still looking perplexed, picked up a piece of parchment from beside his throne. 'Now,
you may be wondering why I called you here today. As you are my eldest and most useful
daughter, I have decided that it's time you got married.'
'Oh no.' Bernice raised her hands. 'Been there, done that, painted the spare bedroom.'
The King ignored her. 'Now, there are several eligible bachelors in the Kingdom. I've prepared
a list. These will all be at the ball tonight. There's the Marquis Du Chat, a very rich young man, so
I'm told. Young Jack from the village, exactly the opposite, poor but honest. Also, John Wood,
who's a woodcutter, will be there. Big and strong, if you like that sort of thing.'
'Thanks for giving me such a wide selection,' Bernice muttered.
'I have a letter here . . .' He took a bottle from beneath his throne, and tipped a rolled-up note
out of it. 'From a Mr Crusoe, who, it seems, is marooned on an island. He'd like to be rescued,
find his one true love, et cetera. Sounds a nice chap, but perhaps he's more in need of a secretary
than a wife.'
'Sort of a Girl Friday?'
'Indeed.' The King nodded. 'He won't be at the ball, of course. Now, we must not discount the
interest of young Prince Charming . . .'
Bernice froze. 'Erm, perhaps we'd better. Unless you do things very differently here.'
'Eh?'
'He is, after all, my brother.'
'What?' The King leapt to his feet, aghast.
There was a moment of silence, and Bernice looked at the King in curiosity. His face had glazed
over. For a moment, he looked as if he was communing with something divine, deep in meditation.
Then, just as suddenly, he relaxed again and his features creased into a booming laugh. 'Ah,
my dear daughter, there is something that I have never mentioned to you. The boy you think of
as your brother was a foundling, an infant discovered in the forest. He and his sister, the girl you
know as your sister Aurora, were found near to a strange cottage made entirely of chocolate and
other sweets. I adopted them as my own. Charming has known the truth for years. So you
mustn't be disturbed by his admiration for you. Or your love for him!'
Bernice gave this monarch a hard stare, wishing that she had her glasses with her, so that she
could glance intimidatingly at him over them. 'Fine. Interesting. So who else is on the list?'
The King turned back to his parchment, his contemplation forgotten. 'Well, this is also, if I may
coin a pun, a little incestuous, but my Vizier has been expressing an interest in you lately. He's
gone so far as to ask formally for my permission to court you. But if you want to go down that
route, I'm afraid you'll have to give up all interest in little Arab boys –'
'Eh?'
'As will he!' The King laughed. 'We'll have no more of that.'
'That's . . . a bit too much to ask.' Bernice was starting to get scared again. She felt as if she
was being rushed towards a conclusion, towards being married off, that moment of closure that,
in books, was like a little death. Having newly discovered life after marriage, this was an absolute
nightmare made flesh. Even worse, she'd found that, during this conversation, she'd wanted to
blurt out all manner of strange things. That she loved so-and-so, that she'd never marry another
one. Opinions which weren't hers. It was as if this world was forcing her to make a choice, aching
for closure. Fortunately, Bernice had had a lifetime of drinking serious ale, and knew how to stop
herself blurting out words that would get her into serious trouble, words like 'I'd love to see your
judo trophies' or 'Yes, I did snog him in the kitchen, what of it?' But this felt much more serious
than that. She had a terrible feeling that, had she made a choice, she might, when next she woke,
find that it was a few weeks later, and that she was in some stranger's marriage bed. Very scary.
She needed to learn a lot more about this place. Quickly. The King had come to the end of his
list and was looking at her expectantly. 'Um . . .' she said to him. 'Why don't I have a look at
them at the ball, and make up my mind then?'
The King clapped his hands together. 'Wonderful! You'll have the opportunity to get to know all