NG16 February/March 2022

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The Driving Tale I hate driving. My kids hate my driving and Gary definitely hates my driving. So I do the world a favour and drive as little as possible. Even before I passed my test, I managed to squash my boyfriends Ford Capri into my dad’s bay window. In my defence, the bonnets on those cars are way too long and second, when someone starts screaming ‘brake!’ it’s likely to cause panic and your foot can accidently press the wrong pedal. Anyway the (ex) boyfriend’s car was a write off and I drove a Mini for a long while afterwards! Fast forward to my late 40’s. We had a lovely VW campervan. Gary’s pride and joy. Within a week of a very expensive re-spray I had managed to parallel park it into my neighbours car and then wrap it round a lamppost in a car park. Honestly, why would you put lampposts right next to parking bays? The patch up cost me an extra £600 and a self imposed life time ban from ever driving her again. Thinking about it, car parks and parking are the bane of my life and the source of most of my mishaps. After passing my test and with youth on my side I was a pretty confident driver. I used to take a long wheel base van all over the country selling dips (that’s another story…) and living in London, I wouldn’t think twice about driving anywhere. In fact, I worked out that I probably wasted at least two full years of my life queuing on the North Circular Road. I’m not sure when it all started to go downhill (literally in one case) and I became a total nightmare behind the wheel. It appears to coincide with the arrival of my kids. Let’s blame them anyway. When we moved to Nottingham, I had a sandwich bar for a while and we had a delivery van. I would be up at 5am and stop at a newsagents to collect the morning papers. One morning, when I came out, the van was gone. Panic stricken, I was about to call the police and report a stolen vehicle when I heard a whistle – about 300 yards down the (very small) hill. Two builders were holding the bonnet of the van. Apparently, I had forgotton to put the handbrake on. Free bacon cobs helped me keep that story from Gary for years. While proofing this article, Gary helpfully reminded me about the time when I managed to get the campervan stuck on the ramp coming out of the car park at Asda in Arnold. The up-ramp height sign was being repaired and I took a chance and parked on the roof. On the way down, the reason for the sign became apparent as I crunched to a halt. I had two hysterical (in a bad way) kids in the back and had to reverse back up and come down the ‘up’ ramp while two trolley assistants held the rest of the shoppers up. It was so bad, to this day I automatically duck when entering a multi-story. Thanks for the reminder Gaz. On a roll, Gary then asked me whether I was going to mention the time when I reversed into another car in a car park while the owner looked on. Or when I reversed onto the drive, missed and ended up churning the lawn up. Or when I accidentally drove on the wrong side of the road (in this country, so no excuses). Or when.....Yes Gary, we get the point. And no, I am not going to mention any of them! © Ali Wale
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NG16 February/March 2022

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