NG14 March/April 2022

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No, No, No. Not that kind of tale!!! I’m talking about dogs in the bedroom…something that was never on my wish list. My bedroom was my sanctuary, whereas Gary was all for sharing. It’s a personal choice and I know some of you will be horrified at the thought, while others wonder what all the fuss is about. Anyhow, I was overruled and now share my bedroom (and King size bed) with three hairy, annoying and often smelly males. The dogs do have their own beds – and they usually start the night sleeping in them. But once we’re fast asleep, with the stealth of a cat burglar, they climb onto the bed. Quite often one of us will wake up unable to move our legs. After establishing that we’re not paralysed from the waist down, we try and shift them. No matter how much you try they won’t budge. How they become twice the weight at night is a mystery. Just to be clear, they are not allowed actually in the bed. Come on, we do have some standards! So how is it that when I get a rare opportunity to actually stretch my legs out, all I can feel is grit? Having sand between my toes when I’m not on a beach isn’t great. To be fair, 80% of the time they are no problem. They find a gap, get in it and everyone sleeps happily ever after. Apart from when they don’t. That’s when the fun starts. It becomes a battle of the wills. Who can fake sleep the longest and ignore the scratching at the door, the tippy tappy claws as they trot around the room, the paws on the arms, the quiet barking that gets louder and louder. The Bedroom Tale To be fair, I am pretty good at it and usually win. Fake snoring and a bit of sleep talking usually does the trick. I can hear Gary huffing and puffing and eventually, because he is basically a kind and conscientious pet owner and I am not, he gets up and takes them down to the garden. The finale to my performance is to act really surprised the following morning when Gary is moaning and cussing. Like you didn’t hear a thing… As for romance, forget it. Having a hairy mutt giving you evils is about as big a passion killer as you can get. Not always a bad thing… Now let’s talk about bones. Raw, bloody, grotty bones. We used to give the dogs the occasional bone as a treat. A normal dog would take his bone off and spend hours gnawing away at it in doggy bliss. Not Herbie. He has no idea what to do with it, so he panics and buries it outside. Then hours later it turns up. Under Gary’s pillow. Raw meat, caked in soil. Who wouldn’t want that waiting for them when they go to bed? We do like to have the odd weekend away in a dog friendly cottage. The only problem is that often these little places only have a double bed – so by the end of the night one of us has usually rolled off the edge and the other one feels like they have gone ten rounds with Tyson Fury. The dogs are fine though. Well rested and raring to go. And the way they look at you…like, what’s all the fuss about?? Just tickle my belly and stop moaning. © Ali Wale
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NG14 March/April 2022

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