NG2 April/May 2022
Local business directory and community magazine.
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No, No, No. Not that kind of tale!!!<br />
I’m talking about dogs in the bedroom…something<br />
that was never on my wish list. My bedroom was<br />
my sanctuary, whereas Gary was all for sharing. It’s<br />
a personal choice and I know some of you will be<br />
horrified at the thought, while others wonder what<br />
all the fuss is about. Anyhow, I was overruled and<br />
now share my bedroom (and King size bed) with<br />
three hairy, annoying and often smelly males.<br />
The dogs do have their own beds – and they usually<br />
start the night sleeping in them. But once we’re<br />
fast asleep, with the stealth of a cat burglar, they<br />
climb onto the bed. Quite often one of us will wake<br />
up unable to move our legs. After establishing that<br />
we’re not paralysed from the waist down, we try and<br />
shift them. No matter how much you try they won’t<br />
budge. How they become twice the weight at night<br />
is a mystery.<br />
Just to be clear, they are not allowed actually in the<br />
bed. Come on, we do have some standards! So how<br />
is it that when I get a rare opportunity to actually<br />
stretch my legs out, all I can feel is grit? Having<br />
sand between my toes when I’m not on a beach isn’t<br />
great.<br />
To be fair, 80% of the time they are no problem.<br />
They find a gap, get in it and everyone sleeps<br />
happily ever after. Apart from when they don’t.<br />
That’s when the fun starts.<br />
It becomes a battle of the wills. Who can fake sleep<br />
the longest and ignore the scratching at the door,<br />
the tippy tappy claws as they trot around the room,<br />
the paws on the arms, the quiet barking that gets<br />
louder and louder.<br />
The<br />
Bedroom<br />
Tale<br />
To be fair, I am pretty good at it and usually win.<br />
Fake snoring and a bit of sleep talking usually<br />
does the trick. I can hear Gary huffing and puffing<br />
and eventually, because he is basically a kind and<br />
conscientious pet owner and I am not, he gets up<br />
and takes them down to the garden. The finale<br />
to my performance is to act really surprised the<br />
following morning when Gary is moaning and<br />
cussing. Like you didn’t hear a thing…<br />
As for romance, forget it. Having a hairy mutt giving<br />
you evils is about as big a passion killer as you can<br />
get. Not always a bad thing…<br />
Now let’s talk about bones. Raw, bloody, grotty<br />
bones. We used to give the dogs the occasional<br />
bone as a treat. A normal dog would take his bone<br />
off and spend hours gnawing away at it in doggy<br />
bliss.<br />
Not Herbie. He has no idea what to do with it, so<br />
he panics and buries it outside. Then hours later it<br />
turns up. Under Gary’s pillow. Raw meat, caked in<br />
soil. Who wouldn’t want that waiting for them when<br />
they go to bed?<br />
We do like to have the odd weekend away in a dog<br />
friendly cottage. The only problem is that often<br />
these little places only have a double bed – so by<br />
the end of the night one of us has usually rolled<br />
off the edge and the other one feels like they have<br />
gone ten rounds with Tyson Fury. The dogs are fine<br />
though. Well rested and raring to go. And the way<br />
they look at you…like, what’s all the fuss about??<br />
Just tickle my belly and stop moaning.<br />
© Ali Wale