The-Lucky-List-Rachael-Lippincott

30
The next afternoon I bike to Matt’s house, wanting to put things right. For real this time.
I coast along the familiar back roads, this trip so different from the hundreds before it.
Different from the hundreds that will hopefully come after it.
If he doesn’t hate me.
As I turn into his development, I see him sitting on the front porch, in the same spot where we used
to sit and wait for my dad to come pick me up. He’s on his phone, still wearing his white lifeguard tank
top from the pool.
I slow to a stop, hopping off and kicking the kickstand into place. He looks up, surprised to see me.
“Hey,” I say as I sit down next to him on the top step.
“Hey,” he says, resting his arms on his legs and interlacing his fingers, just like he always does when
something is serious. Like he can tell what’s coming.
We’re both silent for a second, like we’re afraid to poke a sleeping bear. I look over at him, squinting
into the afternoon sun.
“I’m sorry,” I say, meaning it more than those words can convey. “I am so sorry, Matt. For the kiss at
the lake and ignoring you the past few days instead of giving you an explanation. Instead of just being
honest with you, like I said I would be.”
He nods, his brow furrowing slightly. “Can you be?” he asks finally, looking down at his hands. “For
real this time?”
I let out a long exhale.
“I was scared,” I say, telling him the truth. “All along, I’ve been scared to admit the fact that
something was missing on my end, so I just came up with these stupid excuses to break us up instead
of being real with you. Like the night of junior prom. I was scared to tell you I didn’t want to take
things to the next level. So I did something stupid to push you away instead of just talking to you.
And then I thought the list would help me find the missing piece but… it didn’t. At least not the way I
expected.”
Matt looks over at me, his jaw locking in a way that’s so familiar to me. “You could’ve,” he says. “You
could’ve just talked to me, Em. We used to talk about everything. If I’m honest… I think that’s been
missing for me, too. I think I thought if we took it to the next level, it might click back into place.”