The-Lucky-List-Rachael-Lippincott

But Matt wants to know why it broke. And I still don’t have an answer to that.
I watch him go, with his swoopy brown hair and his broad shoulders, tan now from his days spent
on a lifeguard stand.
He’s beyond cute. Every girl in our grade knows that. He’s sweet. He remembers every anniversary
and holiday and birthday, big or small. He actually listens, and everyone in our friend group, not just
me, knows he’s the person you go to if you have a problem.
And he gets me, just like I get him. He knows that I like rom-coms more than horror movies, and
my favorite triple-layer chocolate cake recipe, and that I get quiet when I’m upset. Just like I know that
his favorite director is Wes Anderson, and his favorite Nintendo Switch game is Fortnite, and that he
hates when people are late.
But I still can’t stop the feeling that always used to blindside me during our relationship from
suddenly swimming back into my bones, settling deep in the marrow.
The feeling that something is… off, no matter how perfect Matt Henderson is.
Which… means that something about me needs to change for it all to click. Maybe I’ve been too
busy looking at him, when I need to look at myself. If what I needed to say didn’t just come to me, then
maybe it’s a problem with me.
Is this all because of how much I changed aer Mom died? Maybe I still have more lessons to learn
from the list before I can figure it out.
Or… maybe it’s something else entirely?
My eyes travel past Matt to the deep end, where Blake sits, her hair in a messy bun. I’m both
relieved and anxious to see her. She pushes her sunglasses up onto the top of her head when she sees
I’m looking at her.
“You good?” she mouths, only for me, and the wrongness melts away.
I nod, but I’m really not, and for some reason it feels wrong to lie to her.
I swallow and look quickly away, noticing the lifeguard table is still hard at work, staring at me like
I’m auditioning for a Broadway musical. I make a beeline for the exit, eager to get right the hell out of
here. I’m definitely not in the mood to stay and give them any more of a performance.
I know now I can’t just wait for the right words to come, for the switch to flip. I need to figure out
what’s wrong and fix it. Only then can I really show Matt how sorry I am. at I can still be the same
person he fell in love with.
I just need the list to show me how.
I also don’t want to stick around and risk Cassie Evans actually figuring out how to kill someone
using her glare. If anyone was petty enough to succeed, she’d be the one.