“You going to teach me what exactly to do with this thing? I mean, if I wanted to drown at thebeach, I probably could’ve found a way to do it without the prop.”“Nope,” she says, smirking as we walk down to the surf. “I figured I’d let you wing it.”She shows me how to paddle out, from finding the “sweet spot” on the board to how to work withthe wave instead of against it. Luckily, the water is pretty calm at low tide, and I manage to get out tothe smoother water on my fourth try without getting absolutely wrecked, the swell of the current notstrong enough to pull me completely under.But I’m not as familiar with the ocean as Blake is, so it’s a bit scary feeling the pull of the waves,dipping and fighting the board underneath me. I like the ocean, but I’ve only been here a handful oftimes, mostly when I was younger, with my parents, and once with my friends back in eighth grade.And as I paddle, I realize I… don’t exactly love being out here, surrounded by so much water, mytrust dependent solely on a giant kickboard.But Blake’s confidence steadies me, her voice telling me to move with the pull instead of against it,and slowly I’m able to work with the board, with my fear and uncertainty, instead of against it.I can’t help but think of my conversation with Blake at the picnic. About Matt. About me and whatbeing me means. Because I see now it isn’t just about being daring, and skinny-dipping, and jumping ocliffs.It’s also about being afraid and sad and uncertain, and all the parts of myself, even if they’re theparts my friends don’t want to see. It’s about being real and honest, like I am at this exact moment,everything else fading away until there’s this moment of calm and clarity, just me, and Blake, and thewater around us.Soon we’re sitting on the suroards just as the sun begins to set on the horizon, my legs danglingover either side as the sky begins to turn orange and purple and deep blue, the water mirroring it,filling itself with the same colors.I let out a breath I feel like I’ve been holding for a million years, Huckabee and Matt and the movereleasing their grip on me, just for a little while. For the first time in years, so far away from all of it, Ifeel free. Free of expectations and pressure, fears and worst-case-scenarios, broken friend groups, andsenior year, and an entire town that thinks they know exactly who you are.Free to just be… myself. To think about who that actually is.What was my mom feeling that made her put this on the list?Did she feel boxed in too? e straight-A student who had bombed the SATs, searching forsomething more? Something outside of Huckabee?But then… I think of my mom as I knew her and how she never really did get out of Huckabee. Howshe said Huckabee had everything. Was that really true, though? What made her change her mind?Because, being here, I can’t help but think she was wrong. I can’t help but wonder what my life couldbe like if I left.I look up to see seagulls flying overhead, free and happy as they coast through the air.“Just like your bracelet,” I say, and Blake cranes her neck to look up at them, nodding in agreement.“Here,” she says. I look down to see the bracelet in her open palm, seagulls identical to the ones thatjust flew by stamped carefully onto it.I reach out and she takes my hand, her fingers carefully moving to wrap the bracelet around my
wrist. “Your mom gave it to my dad when they were in high school, and my dad gave it to me when wewere moving to Huckabee. He said she got it on a beach trip they went on. I’ve honestly been trying tofind a time to give it to you, and, well… this feels pretty perfect,” she says, snapping it on. “It’s made itsway home now.”It’s like my question is answered. I look down at the bracelet and realize… she did feel like this. Sheknew.She found that feeling in Huckabee. With Dad and me.Tears spring into my eyes and I move to wipe them away, but Blake gets there first, her handfinding my cheek, her thumb gently catching them as they fall.My heart begins to race as I look at her the same way I did last night at the pool, the setting sunpainting all her features in a golden light, from her honey-colored eyes to her full lips.Only this time, I’ve pulled all my walls down, making room for a realization to swim into mystomach that I’ve been avoiding since even before my mom got sick.Blake looks straight at me, her gaze so steady, it nearly pulls the truth right out of me.
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This one’s for you, Mom. I love y
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moving back into town after twenty
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of those babies,” my dad whispers
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It’s her eyes, though, that start
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“Not so much anymore,” I say.an
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same words hundreds of times. I alw
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I smile at him, nudging him right b
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distance just in front of me, HUCKA
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apron and my pink Nina’s Bakery h
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resident gay of Huckabee.”Blake l
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4A few hours later I push open the
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chance.Blake appears in the closet
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“Do you hate it?”She’s the fi
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“I can’t believe your dad was s
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She stops dead and looks back, our
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Could I do them too?
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“I spent my morning slaving away
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I have to do it myself.I picture it
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Until now. If I can stop chickening
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I sigh, shutting the water off and
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My name will come up. Matt will get
- Page 45 and 46: words become clearer, the block let
- Page 47 and 48: out what the whole quote was. I cou
- Page 49 and 50: She grins and shakes her head at me
- Page 51 and 52: fiction books, and World War II his
- Page 53 and 54: “Au milieu de l’hiver, j’appr
- Page 55 and 56: “I’d hate to have to take the t
- Page 57 and 58: calculus class she was probably the
- Page 59 and 60: thinking they already know.”It fe
- Page 61 and 62: “Okay. Fine. It has to be a small
- Page 63 and 64: 11I usually don’t work on Sundays
- Page 65 and 66: I’m honestly not sure we’d be f
- Page 67 and 68: dust behind us.I glance out the win
- Page 69 and 70: much just be hiding out in my house
- Page 71 and 72: 13I sit on the steps of my house, s
- Page 73 and 74: My eyes widen, and I give her a “
- Page 75 and 76: now that she’s on the other end o
- Page 77 and 78: to set, sending a shower of deep or
- Page 79 and 80: She’s the first person I feel lik
- Page 81 and 82: the cat dragged in.”“Nice to se
- Page 83 and 84: 15I meet up with Blake aer work on
- Page 85 and 86: check off “3. Go on a picnic” a
- Page 87 and 88: “Blake! I swear to God, don’t l
- Page 89 and 90: 17I spend most of the next day hidi
- Page 91 and 92: afternoons. But I also think about
- Page 93 and 94: pumps are older than dirt.”“No
- Page 95: Claire in Kauai over spring break,
- Page 99 and 100: I’d needed someone more than anyt
- Page 101 and 102: We’re planning on camping out in
- Page 103 and 104: Blake’s silent, leaving a space f
- Page 105 and 106: 20The first thing I feel when I wak
- Page 107 and 108: “Valid point.” She nods, pausin
- Page 109 and 110: needles and all that.Even though I
- Page 111 and 112: 21When we pull up to my house, I’
- Page 113 and 114: A new start.I push it away, whirlin
- Page 115 and 116: e story had gone viral aer a local
- Page 117 and 118: 23The second Nina pulls into the pa
- Page 119 and 120: “Yeah.” He nods. “Okay.”Rel
- Page 121 and 122: My voice trails o and I hold up the
- Page 123 and 124: 25The next forty-eight hours pass i
- Page 125 and 126: She turns around to look at me, her
- Page 127 and 128: Blake’s shoulder brushes against
- Page 129 and 130: 27This is exhilarating.My adrenalin
- Page 131 and 132: really wants. Except for this.”It
- Page 133 and 134: look down at Matt. For a moment I w
- Page 135 and 136: e thought pushes me out of the room
- Page 137 and 138: I drop my bag in the entryway, my v
- Page 139 and 140: 29The second I walk into Nina’s t
- Page 141 and 142: wanted,” I say. “All the years
- Page 143 and 144: I think about all the years we’ve
- Page 145 and 146: carefully uproot a sunflower to rep
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his arm around me. “Hey! I still
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And if my mom taught me anything th
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A new chance, just like the one I h
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boyfriend a girl could ask for.en J
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More from the AuthorAll This TimeFi
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Also coauthored by Rachael Lippinco
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