Dear Dean Magazine: December 22, 2022

Within the textbook Close Encounters, Apologies are
defined as “admissions of responsibility and regret for
undesirable events.” (45, Communicating Identity: The
Social Self) In other words, taking responsibility for a
behavior and not avoiding the consequence of your
actions.
not enough. That is where the next two characteristics
of forgiveness come in.
Emotional Transformation: “Forgiveness involves an
emotion transformation that allows hurt individuals to
let go of negative feelings.”
Generally, when you apologize, it is you who has done
something of harm to another, whether it was physical
or emotional. When you are unwilling to apologize for
your actions, you leave the relationship in a state of
distress and the only option other than destruction is
for the other person to be willing to forgive you. When
neither takes place, a cycle of denial and avoidance will
inevitably become a force for further conflict.
A normal reaction to being hurt is to seek revenge,
restitution or avoidance, which can lead to ending a
relationship. But in order to forgive you move beyond
that impulse, letting that desire fully dissolve and
instead act with positivity and compassion towards
yourself and the other person. This could be summed
up as “killing with kindness” or “taking the higher
road.”
Forgiveness can be defined as “a relational process” and
not one single act like an apology. Forgiveness can be
something one does for himself or herself or another
person, but it is generally in dealing with harmful
behavior done by someone other than you. The
process of forgiveness is comprised of four different
characteristics: acknowledgment of harmful conduct,
an extension of undeserved mercy, an emotional
transformation and relationship renegotiation. (322,
Hurting the ones we love: Relational transgressions)
It is important to note that when we don’t allow this
third step of emotional transformation to occur, we
are not hurting the other person back. It is truly
ourselves who suffer the most. Therefore, forgiveness
becomes an act of setting yourself free from the
continued emotional burden.
4 Characteristics of Forgiveness
Harmful Conduct: “For forgiveness to even be
necessary, one or both partners must acknowledge
that there has been a wrongdoing.”
Note that behavior that may be okay in one
relationship may require forgiveness in another. Not all
relationships are the same
Extension of Undeserved Mercy: “The hurt person
must make the decision to extend mercy to the
partner. There is a paradoxical quality to forgiveness as
the forgiver gives up the resentment, to which he or
she has a right, and gives the gift of compassion, to
which the offender has no right.”
This starts with saying “I forgive you,” (explicit
forgiveness in its clearest form) but simply saying it is
DEAR DEAN MAGAZINE | p.25p.19