Lot's Wife Edition 8 2013
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STUDENT AFFAIRS<br />
AN OPEN LETTER TO MONASH<br />
UNIVERSITY SENIOR MANAGEMENT:<br />
Dear Chancellor Alan Finkel & Co.,<br />
We were thrilled to hear that you have recently awarded an honorary Doctorate of Laws to big businessman John Gandel.<br />
Bold moves such as this are an important part of the Monash tradition of bequeathing honorary degrees on notorious and powerful figures such as that<br />
awarded to Victorian State Premier Henry “The Hangman” Bolte back in the 1967.<br />
Cementing Monash Uni’s world-class relationship with the private sector should be a priority in a difficult financial environment and we applaud you<br />
and your Senior Management colleagues for your initiative.<br />
However, while bestowing such a prestigious degree upon Gandel is certainly a step in the right direction, we think it is time for Monash to expand its<br />
business relationships further. We believe that you need to be even bolder.<br />
Now that we have cemented our close ties to Melbourne’s richest person, we think it’s time for Monash to go national and honour Australia’s richest<br />
individual: Gina Rinehart.<br />
Through sheer hard-work and brilliant entrepreneurship, Rinehart has been the key driving force behind the Australian economy for decades.<br />
Her wealth far surpasses Gandel’s meagre billions, and a close relationship with her could provide Monash with a mountain of resources to potentially<br />
fund increased salaries for our hard-working Senior Management team, consultants and lawyers who all do their best to keep Monash profitable in the<br />
difficult circumstances of the 21st century.<br />
It is important to note that Rinehart is not just about digging holes and selling coal. As the biggest shareholder of Fairfax media, she also stands for<br />
diverse big business interests.<br />
Moreover, Rinehart is 100% committed to expanding mining in our State. She owns almost 20% of Lakes Oil, which is planning dangerous but nonetheless<br />
exciting coal seam gas operations in Victoria.<br />
Recently we saw Western Australian Universities put Monash to shame in bonding with Rinehart’s miner friend Andrew Forrest who gave them tens<br />
of millions in donations for research.<br />
In contrast, Monash has only been able to secure $5 million from two mining corporations for its new-fangled Division of Mining this year.<br />
A relationship with Rinehart would complement Monash’s already existing partnership with the Coal Industry, which includes having former coal<br />
mining boss Ian Nethercote on our University Council.<br />
Potential degrees for Rinehart might include: Business, Economics, Politics or even Journalism.<br />
In summary, Monash must expedite its relationship with Australia’s greatest mining hero, or risk falling behind other Universities. We implore you to<br />
go more boldly.<br />
Yours in brilliance,<br />
Monash students everywhere