Lot's Wife Edition 2 2016

LISA HEALY
Hello! Welcome to edition 2. This baby’s been basted and
cookin’ for a while. To answer the question on none of your
lips, NO I have not become an Amazon woman (please refer
to image above if dazed and confused). In fact, it’s a hard life
not being an Amazon woman and sometimes I feel a little lost,
y’know? So to help me help myself on the slippery, slippery
slope that I am already on, I thought I’d write a comprehensive
to-do list (‘to do’ when I have the patience to follow a to-do list
and feel like I can really ‘do’ it!).
1. Devise wardrobe modelled off of Donna Summer and
Cher circa 1970’s. Prepare yourselves for billowing fabric,
possibly too much hair and liquid gold glittery goodness
2. Get more sleep or alternatively, tattoo eyes onto my eyeballs
so I can sleep during v. important business meetings
that are yet to occur in my life but feel are imminent
3. Stop saving so many stupid links on Facebook and just
read the actual article, god dammit
4. Drink less goon (*cough* Carina)
5. Resort to Seeking Arrangements if all else fails, which
may also lead to an upgrade from goon to champagne. May
also result in having someone to talk to that legitimately
believes I am ab fab. Will ditch if they become clingy and
decide not to buy Moet.
TIMOTHY NEWPORT
The bad news: if you think you’re not doing enough work,
you’re probably right.
The good news: if you think that, you’re doing better than
the chump over there who thinks they’re on top of everything.
Yeah, that chump. Stare at them. You know their secret.
The semester’s started, and then stopped (thanks Easter),
and now it’s back again! Did you know you’re a full third of the
way through? Yeah, don’t worry, it flew past us as well.
If you’re stressing right now, here’s my hot tips:
• P’s get degrees. HD’s get internships, placements, and
exchanges. If you don’t need the top shelf, don’t strain
something reaching for it.
• Video games can relax you, improve your reactions and
problem-solving skills, and drain your wallet.
• Try sleeping? Idk, it worked for me.
If you’re totally chilled out right now, here’s my hot take:
That’s it for now. Send your to-do lists (with love) along
with weekly updates so I know that I’m not the only one flailing
and failing in this world.
Lot’s Wife | 5