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So the summer holidays<br />
are over. Hot, dry, calm,<br />
peaceful; that's how the<br />
neighbours described<br />
theirs. I'll go with long,<br />
very long. Hide 'n' Seek<br />
wore very thin after the<br />
first fifty games, even<br />
with new and improved<br />
<strong>version</strong>s: Hide 'n' Bucket<br />
Seek (Genius Frank),<br />
Close Eyes 'n' Seek (Billy - he still hasn't<br />
cottoned on that we can actually see him<br />
with his eyes shut), and Hide 'n' No Seek<br />
(Me). The 'No Seek' part has now got to the<br />
point where I can get the breakfast pots<br />
washed and the house swept. Anyway, it<br />
was a summer of guests; some who we'll<br />
invite back and some who may just turn up<br />
again unless we tell them we've moved,<br />
which is definitely under consideration. All<br />
were subject to the dreaded game.<br />
A man left for work one Friday<br />
afternoon. Instead of going<br />
home, he stayed out the entire<br />
weekend hunting with the boys<br />
and spending all his wages.<br />
When he finally got home on Sunday night,<br />
he was confronted by his very angry wife.<br />
After two hours, she stopped nagging and<br />
said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see<br />
me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That<br />
would be fine with me.' Monday went by and<br />
he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and<br />
Wednesday came and went with the same<br />
results.<br />
Thursday, the swelling went down just<br />
enough for him to see her a little out of the<br />
corner of his left eye.<br />
Professional, Financial & Domestic Services<br />
My Lot by Laura Cacace<br />
As soon as we'd said 'Au revoir' to the last<br />
visitor, and got over the demeaning sight of<br />
pleading for 'just one more game' (not<br />
pleasant in a forty year-old), it was back to<br />
school for one and all. I had been dreading<br />
it, especially since my two youngest needed<br />
to be 'adapted' for garderie. Clearly I had the<br />
wrong model of child. Anyway, 'Neddy Boy'<br />
caused no problems after finding a mirror to<br />
laugh at himself in. If you saw the state of his<br />
Worzel hair, you'd laugh too. However, after<br />
an hour on my lap and several crises, it was<br />
looking like Billy was indeed the wrong type.<br />
Determination set in, I had my sights set on<br />
'Easy Street', Billy was going to adapt.<br />
Fortunately, distraction came in the form of<br />
two shiny green tractors and a slide; 'toy<br />
school' was brilliant. I could start planning<br />
my long, leisurely lunches.<br />
Actually, my new-found free-time has been<br />
filled up with fruit-picking. I am becoming<br />
quite obsessed. As you may have gathered,<br />
A duck walks into a post office and asks the<br />
man behind the counter: 'Do you have any<br />
corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we<br />
don't have any corn here.'<br />
The next day, the duck enters again and<br />
asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the<br />
man answers: 'No! We don't have any corn.'<br />
This goes on for a couple of days until finally,<br />
when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?',<br />
the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the<br />
last time we don't have any corn, and if you<br />
ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!’<br />
The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do<br />
you have any nails?' The<br />
man answers: 'No.' Then<br />
the duck asks: 'Do you<br />
have any corn?'<br />
7<br />
WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE<br />
If you don't already claim it, you<br />
may be entitled to receive this<br />
allowance.<br />
Visit the following website and type 'winter<br />
fuel allowance'. The relevant links will take<br />
you to a form concerned with winter fuel<br />
payments abroad.<br />
http://www.direct.gov.uk<br />
I am quite rubbish at growing fruit and I am<br />
not really being helped by climate change.<br />
My only successful crop this summer has<br />
been the strawberries; the wasps are rather<br />
partial to those so where there was once<br />
punnets-full awaiting the cream, now just<br />
manky chicken food. So the hedgerow is my<br />
thing this year; blackberries in particular.<br />
Picking the little blighters is a painful activity<br />
as I am not deterred by spikes, thorns,<br />
stinging nettles or insects. A walk down the<br />
lane sees me returning with bloody scars<br />
and hair looking like Ned's. Obsessed, you<br />
see. Of course, if I am foolish enough to take<br />
any of my three boys with me on my<br />
harvesting then I can count on at least half<br />
the amount I was hoping for. Unless I use<br />
my rugby-tackling and wrestling skills, which<br />
they find quite disturbing. So I have now<br />
started taking a less physical approach with<br />
the question: ‘Who fancies a game of Hide<br />
‘n’ Seek?’<br />
I stopped at a friend's house the other day<br />
and found him stalking around with a flyswatter.<br />
When I asked if he was getting any<br />
flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and<br />
two females.' Curious, I asked how he could<br />
tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a<br />
beer can and two were on the phone.'<br />
Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots<br />
like cherries on a cake. Doctor: Ah, you must<br />
have analogy.<br />
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor,<br />
there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my<br />
bottom' The doctor asks him to drop his<br />
trousers and examines him.<br />
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the<br />
doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this<br />
is just the tip of the iceberg.'
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