Mad Magazine #540 GetMad

ANOTHmm BRAI[t*bmss rsserm &ffiu**
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,
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\Juiv because
gomeonehag a
Ero?hy wiFe doesn'E
mean vhey're nol
Departments
NUMBER 54O
AUGUST 2016
. IT'S THE IIST WE CAN DO DEPARTMENT
I Th" MAD Table of Contents
it LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT
4' Random Samplings of Reader Mail
C
o The Fundalini Pages
RANDOM ACTS OF MINDTESS DEPARTMENT
s,
]*;
..} BATTLE OFTHE BTANDS DEPARTMENT
lz "B"tty*an v Stuporman: Dumb
and Joyless" (A MAD Movie Satire)
20
J^OKE AND.DAGGER DEPARTMENT
)py vs. rpy
tN FROM BAD TO VERSE DEPARTMENT
11 DonaldTrump vs. The Bible
,t' LOW MAN ON THE SCROTUM-POLE DEPARTMENT
4t Vasectomies Through History
43 i"#1{rXJT#t"J-'
DEPARTM ENr
26
28
30
32
35
39
IN BIOG WE TRUST DEPARTMENT
P1anet Tad!!!!l
SHORE TOSERS DEPARTMENT
MAD's Tom Bunk Visits Coney Island
A COMPETE DISASTER DEPARTMENT
New Olympic Events That
Americans are Sure to Win
RED, WHITE, BI.UE AND GRAY DEPARTMENT
America's Civil War vs. ,4 ;H
CaptainAmerica:CivilWar W_nW.
I'tt SEE YOU IN HETMET DEPARTMENT
The Official First Order Stormtrooper
Recruitment Pamphlet
PEN AND STINK DEPARTMENT
The MAD Srrip CIub
$o '2 P"rk, of the New $1,049
Disneyland Annual Pass
CRINGE BENEFITS DEPARTMENT
,6 SERGE-IN GENERAT DEPARTMENT
'+o A MAD Look at Trees
E' UFC MATCH.COM DEPARTMENT
J+ Dating Tips for Ronda Rousey
EE D.I.Y. BOTHER DEPARTI
ro Thir Week's Home Depot How-To Clinics
O
AttJAFFEE DEPARTMENT
Y ) Another Ridiculous Fold-In...Inside Back Cover
I .nfit ,o*u,"At THTNKING DEPARTMENT
ffi
"Drawn Out Dramas" by Sergio Aragon6s
COVER
-vrg*..Various P1aces Around the Magazine
ARTIST: MARK FREDRICKSON
EACK COVEtr PHOTOS: AP PHOTO/DAVID RIgHAED (CIIiITOil}. GETTY IMAGEg,PAI.PH Ff,ESO (TPUMP)

gqHrccK SUSPENSTORTES
My dad, Bentley Little. has been a d"di;tJf;since
1960s andhe gave *" the
r r"ur.ripi#;-ffffilrdayseveral
years. ago. My dad,s a horror writer, and ,i"." ifr"r" i,
llllig.*"* terrifiring tr,",, uaE il;";;ilced
to mention your him
sad excuse fo,
books in_my ^ ^^g^ri.n"i"
ni,
shameless attempt to get free junk. """ Here,s "f
copy of the pase
a
from The coisuttai;;i";;;;t"ns
E. Neuman:
Alfred
Itwas amanwith the face of Atfred E. Neuman.
Chase Simonds . paw pa-, MI
simple simonds
- we have to For years admit that we were relieved to see your letter.
- decades. even._ *",r. t .rroilo
becomin .n'ri*i_rrai.higan g. unhea lthy, bias even that tor rr. ert'ili,li
was
;:
had
;;r1';i
no oih e r .h;i.&;i;
r oo iln th" ;;l#
gin with), [',-#,I,iX! ill;l"::fl 'Jflil search within ourselves il;1;ffir'irrrr,", missive.
L:.
your feilow Wotverine To you
Staters and
considei thi, ;;i,si;i;p in the righting of our
Xi?llj;lllll[ild to arr or vou rifth, M;il;;;;',, there: our prohibiuon
AI.FRED
TOOKALIKE
CorU Danger of Laguna Niguel,
CA sent in this picture of his
son, Elliott
-
a lad who could
onlg be described as .,more
lhan a little Alfred_esque.,,
As with all featured doppel_
g€ngers, we offer our deepest
thanks for sharing, and even
deeper apologies for their lots
in life.
Craig experienced a tingle of fear. He had never liked
the Mad-mwzine mascot. He knew th, fiir, *o,
supposed to be comicol. but there *o, ,o*ritfiin oUor,
that perpetua,y grtnning gap ,;";;;;;';;;; tfrot t ra
always creeped him out ini set lri^ ,"iigJ.'" '' "
It was impossible to tell who was behind the mask.
Emerson Little . Fullerton, CA
Eminemerson
-
We,re not
*$:u*rttirililufriiittt-.ffi you like to know something
;
TRlty terrifying? Alfred
rs a trademarked E.
character-and.yrrii;ti;;{ Neuman
ii'.rllr.riorrtion or
::|ll,gT!y y. rhat rur. frope notsrrot+or-_i,vr'i*'i,
experrence ready
a tingle to
of bankruptcy,,! _Ed.
HIRE I.EARNING
I am a recent collese gr.aduate and in the-process of finding
a job. Now, this is iot',1ust any job, but a high school math
teaching position. I am aski"i ii y." ..Jj b?" *r"r".r.. ro,
me. If anyone calls about me,"h"r;;" _y;;p tirree qualities:
1) Loyalty: I have been a MAD subscriber for the last
three years.
2) Always on time: I have paid for your magazine before
my subscription ends.
3) Patience: I have read every single page of your..wonderful,,
magazine for the last thiee yI"r. " r -*'
Thank you for yow time and please put a good word in for mel
Anthony paldino . Bristolville, Ohio
youR WOE OF SHOWS
I am 12 years old and I.have U""" ,"Jirg frAAD since I was seven.
Recently, I was home ri.t rro_ ,lh;;ffi"dffimach virus and had
to watch an old showwith__y_o*.)i"iiriytrdy Loves Raymond.
It was boring until a funny part came on where Raymond,s brother,s
brother-inJaw gets realy LaJ *rr""i"'ir"ir-i'r, ,"r".,,s throwins
away all the "trash,,thelfind tn hi;;il;.
MAD AX
magazinesl your the trash was magazines rr"
oti
rro., o, o-la fVrur.rrrt
Laila Wilson . Minerva, OH
Wil-son of a Gun
-Even
tl
"boring' and "ord"
- r*:::9lP dismiss Everybodv Loves.Ravmond as
oo"r .irv.ii,i"i.r, #"r'r"tt'"nts
we pretty much agree with
-
th. th;
;1t'#lxx,;id'JJ';ilirl{i',,,*.;:l[fl','Ifi'fi ;x;r*lf ,",.,
nirlt","ru:;ff l;[l'il''Hlf :1ff :?tx5',';,"ffi '*'-i':1,',*ki''
Paldinosaur
- you,ve put us in a very awkward situation. lf we,re
contacted by a potentiat emptoyer (il;;i;;ir';,r,,,
,,r.,
how completely unhire-able you seem), we,re Oulyl66und to teil
the truth. And,_in risht of td irf"rmri;fi;;:'ffi;ided, we
have a very different assessment
"it;;;;,#f;.'.,ffis.
Here are
your most obvious faults.
1) Doesn't tearn from mistakes _ has been a MAD subscriber for
the lastTHREEYEARSI!!
2) Can't wait to waste morley subscription endsl ! I - pays for his magazine before his
3) Unapologetic masochist _.has read EVERY StNGtE PAGE of
our magazine for the last THREE YEARS ! l;
Don't feel too bad _ iust r
trllie,lT:;il;lY;',::ff lffi',lli::'ff :Hfl,,,*t*;

REMEMBERING
tENt{Y BRENNER, tg32-2o16
The MAD familg experienced a loss on April 9 when longtime
MAD staff member Lennu ,,The Beard" Brenner passed awag.
He joined MAD's art department in lgEB and retired as art
director in 1995. During those Uears there wasn,t an issue of
MAD that Lennu wasn,t involved in
- from designing pages, to
laging out tupe, to wrapping the artwork to send to the printer.
Most readers will recognize Lennu from his..modeling,, in the
magazine. Our thoughts and condolences go out to Lennu,s
children, grandchildren and familg. please check out our
special tribute to Lennu in this issue's ,,MAD Vault" on page 45.
TETTER RIP!
I've been reading your m agazine for armost 3 years now and I was wondering how do
you choose whose letters to print? Do you pici< them out of a hat? Do yo., ,""d them all?
Do you shred them all, then whoever on the staff can put them back together first geis
to choose which ones to put in the issue? Either way, f enjoy reading yoirr magazine.
Thomas Alemu . Fullerton, CA
Remember the Alemu
- pick them out of a hat? who we_ars a hat these days? Baseball players?
Hipster douche-bombs? people with money to pur aside for a -hat brdg;t,?i N;, it,s far simpler
rrr rvprLqry Ju)r prLK r,e uumoesr re..ers we can trnd the -
dimber dumber rthe better! (
than that. we typically just pick the dumbesi letiers we can find
-
we get some real dopey ones, so you can bet that if we're printing it, it reatiy - a .
represents the lowest depths of human stupidityr rhanks for writingi
-ru.
MAD BTURBS
John Favreau is a successful director, and his most recent movie,The rungle Book was a huge
hit. so it makes zero sense when he sags MAD was in ong wag an infrueice...
lr
I
fhe margine were Full oF detail. I wanted to have I
j @@
something going on in every corner oF the Frame, \
Wateeverywhere. /
INTO THIN ERR
I have enclosed a picture of me at Everest Base camp
holding a copy of MAD. While trekking to Everest
Base Camp, I noticed something ve ry oaa. The higher
the altitude, the funnier the magazine becamel Bf the
time I got to base camp, I was laughing hysterically
and thorrght MAD was the best -1g"rirr" ever! I excit_
edly called my wife on a satellite phone and told her to
renew,my subscription immediately. Alas, when I returned
to sea level, I discovered that MAD was no lon_
ger funny. I finally realized that the lack of oxygen to
my brain at the high altitude was the reason I'tiought
MAD was funny. Since I don't live in the mountains,
can I cancel my subscription and get a refund?
Bill Sullivan. Williamsville, Ny
Sulli-Van Wilder Everest! Not many people
-Ah,
know thiq
__J
l f+E
t;*#
1
;# '
lEeu#ff
but about 50% of our subscriptions are t-he reiult of someone
not getting enough oxygen to the brain
- so we,re quite
familiar with "The Everest Effect,,l That ol, pile of rocis has
been VERY good to us over the years! We wish we could give
you a refund, but given the rambling, childlike tone of your letteri your brain is clearly still working
in very diminished capacity (ever for a MAD reader). That cancellaiion would never hold up in court.
Maybe you can get a sherpa to help explain the jokes to you! Feel better and enjoy your subr
-Ed.

Letters and
Tomatoe$
NETFLIX AND SHRILL
I was disappointed you went with the name "Rank Underhand"
for your House of Cards spoof instead of the obviously more funny
"Dank Underwear." Please try harder in the future.
Ryan Magnon . Redondo Beach, CA
P.S. I know that issue came out over four months ago, but my subscription
lapsed and now I'm forced to actually read your magazine
instead of just look at the pictures.
Filet Magnon There are certain things that keep us up at night (for example,
-
we live on a busy trucking route, beneath a bowling alley). But we can't sit
around all day playing "Coulda Shoulda Woulda" (a Parker Bros. game
from the early 80s that, sadly, has long been out of print). Where were we?
the time
Oh, right
- regrets. We regret reading your letter -
we wasted is gone and lost forever. But that's life for you
-
sometimes it's the mistakes that teach us the most. -Ed.
P.S. We just realized that instead of "Filet Magnon" we should
have gone with the obviously more funny "Magnon, P.1."
Damnit! This just isn't our year.. .
CORRECTIONS
We make mistakes. A lot of them. We're not happg about them,
and we're not happu to be writing about them (because, let's
face it, we'll probablg make more mistakes truing to correct the
original mistakes). But correct them we must. Which is whg
we have to report that MAD #539 accidentallg included an
installment of "The Darker side of...The Lighter Side of" that had
previouslg appeared in MAD #527. Additionallg, for'A MAD
Look at Man Caves," Tom Luth should have been credited as
the colorist. We also mistakenlg reported that John Caldwell
passed awau on Februarg 26, when in fact it was Februaru 21.
We apologize for the errors.
FOttOW MAD ONLINE!
Looking for a wau to waste time AND open gourself up to public
ridicule? You're in luck! You can do both simplg bg liking us on
Facebook and following us on Tumblr and Twitter! lt's a perfect
plan! (Except for the ridicule
- but that's Uour problem, not ours!)
w
$$
READER ATERT
lf gou had gour letter printed in this issue, hooooooo
bog are Uou ever one luckg possum! You'll be getting
wWE: loo Credtest Motches, courtesu of our pals
at DK; Poper Sumo AND Funng!: Twentg-Five Yedrs
ol Loughter from the Pixdr Story Room from our
buds at Chronicle Books; Hrp Hop Familg Tree,
Book 4, from our chums at Fantagraphics; Sfor
Wdrs Cqlqxg: The originol Topps Troding Cord
Series AND stor wdrs: The Empire Strikes Back
The originol Topps Troding Card Series, courtesu
of our amigos at Abrams comicArts and Lucasfilm:
and a DVD of Montg Pgthon Live (Mostlg): One
Down, Five fo co from our homies at Eagle Rock
Entertainment! What are gou waiting for? Write us a
letter and get the goods!
rcffi
E=
tttAD #t4l is on sale August gth!
William M. Gaines Founder
John Ficarra SeniorVP & Executive Editor
EDITORIAL
Charlie Kadau, Joe Raiola Senior Editors
Dave Croatto Editor
Jacob Lambert Associate Editor
ART DEPARTMENT
Sam Viviano VP - Art & Design
Ryan Flanders Associate Art Director
Contributing Artists And Writers
The Usual Gang of ldiots
ADMINISTRATION
Diane Nelson President
Dan DiDio and Jim Lee Co-Publishers
Geoff Johns Chief Creative Officer
Amit Desai SeniorVP - Marketing &
Global Franchise lVanagement
Nairi Gardiner SeniorVP - Finance
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John Cunningham VP - Content Strategy
Anne DePies VP - Strategy Planning &
Reporting
Don talletti VP - Manufacturing operations
Lawrence Ganem VP - Editorial
Administration & Talent Relations
Alison Gill SeniorVP - l\4anufacturing &
0perations
Hank Kanalz SeniorVP - Editorial
Strategy & Administration
Jay Kogan VP - Legal Affairs
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Business Development
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Administration
Carol RoederYP - Marketlng
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Courtney Simmons SeniorVP -
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specialty & Newsstand Sales
SandyYi VP - SeniorVP - Global
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FOR SUBSCRIPTION INQUIRIES:
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write to Po. Box 8537, Big sandy, TX 75755-8537!
Please D0 NoT phone, write, fax or e-mail our NewYork
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-
HOW TO REACH U5:
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VtSIT U5 ONTINE! MADMAGAZINE.COM

sArc** asp oru
WEBffi;,UCKY ulE $TUPIDIrT'TIIE
EIIISUGH TO MISSIgttcBErA
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MIN BOOBS
EXP()SED
ffilH}i}iffiii;
Badc issues otnfiRo are be[ng
added ro our ipad epp ui*Uiii&ekr
Dournload the MAD ipad App in itre ituneJApp store!

{ Dirrr"r with the family: scored g1 pieces of meatloaf,
but needs to work on passing the potatoes
$ Heading down to the.retirement community center to show
those iosers who the ,.slr.k ivt"miJ; "iUl"J"
*
It's difficult to get to the
retn9erator because of the
meth lab in the kitchen.
trjr:teii Feft*y !{eil Art!sti j*se GariLat,:}i
The owner.is what is politely
termed a
,,cat lover.,.
lrJriter: riIike M0rse
Not only is the bed
not made, it,s occupied
by the homeowner.
A*i$t: John i4art?
WHEN GITY REGYGTING TRASH BINS GO TOO FA

PAGES
Gimme a Flake
Th"9. gjgrtling Similarities and Differences Between
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l'!r!trr iilij Aftir:t liJ:1;i! :hiri
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Srescrfiptfloxa Ameidepressamt?
1-) Serzone
2) Devaron
3) Effexor
4) Felucia
5) Paroxetine
6) Dathomir
7) Celexa
8) Iridonia
9) Fluoxetine
3.S) Concord Dawn
Featured bursts of pointless, unprovoked violence......... O O
Was sixtg minutes of tight, coherent storgtelling.
Jag Z loved it......
.i' George R.R. Martin couldn,t make heads ortails of the damn thing...
= Had people scrambling to join Tidal....
i, Breasts were prominentlg displaged
Offered a sillg, cartoon vision of revenge.........
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The Fast Five - -:
nDaLiniPaGes..:,i..l'-....::..:
_**__
smelrs r-ike Katzenstein spirit
ruffi'ffi,,.,,',,
$ Got his legal start writing for Night Courtback in the eighties'
ffi Has recused himself from the ongoing Drake vs' Meek Mill debate'
ffi Oft.r, uses a human embryo in a jat as a gavel' worrying both sides
of the abortion issue'
which makes
ffi, H", *on praise ftom both Republicans and Democrats
* -
ffi ilnilrG.i"", r",r-,e eyes of both Republicans and Democrats.
ffi Issued a highly controversial ruling th1|11et]51lt-?::r.lffi::,,,
ilL*rii,l':?"i;:;;i.;;i;;'..'"?.'i"g.t".,"Iiev,thev're justdogs'"
"ff not gou, Jane' {t me, -TqrTan'
!'Jriter and Artist: Ja:ss Adam !fut?eBstein
*
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How lusrlN- BIEFFR
cELdB[Arro-Hlg 22ND
BIRTHDAY
*"n,,n= ou, rn" u't too'
"t
n""""
Unwrapping presents given to him bg his
squad of sgcophants and hangers-on
Unabridged Figt*-
That Telt fu r,ike Et Es
WEIGHT
LIMIT
10
TONS
{THOUGH II'S DOUBTFUL
ir cm rvru HoLo rfiI
MUCH SII{CE I'IE HAIIEII'I
HAO THE TUill}S IO
REPAIR II SINCE I997)
Getting a new tattoo that shows his growing maturitu:
-"
"rrioon penguin smoking a joint on a hoverboard
NEIGHBORHOOD
CRIME WATCH
"W'
Treating himself to a no-holds-barred
Truins not to think about how depressing it
- is-that he peaked five birthdags ago
WE ARE III'ATCHING
{FOR ANYONE WHO
'tStt't CaUCAStnn)
Dropping thousands on a lavish partg that he'll
-iLEI"i-*rt"" he files for bankruptcg in 2023
Artist:5'i:n
'1a1ek

TH
ffiffiw&&m*s &eYffisY
rux&ffieKxruffi ffi&wffiffi
aces
TRUMP
RECAttS
OTHER
TRAGEDIES
(Besides "1111,,)
one of the worst thinos
that ever happened wis
,.the LABRY EIRD OISASTERI
Tle Gulf o, Mexico can,t afford
another DEEPWATER VEBIZ0fl !
Never again can we endure a
catasbophe tike BAHNES & NOBLEI
The Startling Similarities and
Differences Between
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* Appeals to people,s basest appetites....., . .. ... .. @ M
* ls full of second-rate bu11......,..... ....M M
* Has been at the dinner table of a lower_middle_class family...I M
* Might seem interesting-at first, but you wouldn,t
r:--6r _
want a steady diet of iitor toui yea;-.-:::.:................,..........., t€l C
* Can make America great again... .........f I
* ls the perfect, depressing embodiment of America in ZOre...M M
IO

g,rutlt$ ltniuwxrtg
BE IT IfNO\tN UPON THIS DAY T}IAT BY VIRTIIE Or'
}IA\ITNG COMPLETEI/Y MAXMD OUT T}IEIR CREDIT CARDS IN ORDER TO
PAY FOR A SHADY, LT{rIII'OtrMATI\IE AND DLTBTOUS COURSE OF STUDY, AND \f,'rTH
ALt THm HONORS AND PRTVIITEGES PERTATITING TIIERETO (SO FAtri, NONA),
IS }{EREBY ATUARDED TIIE r'ABUIJOUS, FLASIIY, ELITA
ANI} EXCI]USI\,IE TRLT&{P DE(}REE OF'
ffi-S" ,q Tfrwu$urhnrril
THn ABO\,IE IIENTIONID IS NOIt'f'fILLY QI-rALIr'rcD AT IDrcNTII\aNG SLIIAZY SCAiI{S PERPETRATED BY LOW-LI[.I{,
POIIPOUS HUCKSI'BRS MASQLIERADING AS SKIITLED TBUSIrr*ESSMEN, IIAVING JLrS'r BEIINTHE VIC'I'I}I Ol'ONI,)
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Grrr.l Huff ! I'm the oldest, grourchiest version of eir.*
Whine you've ever seen. 0sually t,m eattyman, but
_Igy
call
:g.n
me Grumpy Bat! tt,s nice being rruorth
$20 billion, but I used to be worth $22 billiJn. tt cost
me $2 biliion to develop this Kevlar ctrln stubUlei
I run a company all day and hunt criminals
all night. That,s because I hate to sleeo.
I keep having three terrifying nightmarei: my
parents' violent rnurder, my mother,s bleeding
tomb, and scenes from the movie GrElll
Some call me Diana. Some call me Blunder
Woman. Some call me an all_too_brief
glimpse of a much more promising movie!
lcome f.o'r- the rarelV-scen land of
women, the Lifetime Channel! My motives
are mysterious, to the point of being
underwritten. All you need to know]s
thar kick ass ! See? I have this Amazonian
metal headpiece, and Amazonian wrist
shackles, and an unbreakable Amazonian
lasso a' : '-. - .r hen things get too kinkv,
- ' Amazonian safe wordl
=I
e
I
:
=
:
::
=:
:
a
:
a
I never
thoug ht
they'd bring
Battyman and
Stuporman
together i

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My amazing powers come from exposure to Earth,s Sun. Which makes you
wonder why I spend all my time in a gloomy city where the sun never comes out!
No wonder l'm super-depressed! Ever s nce the events in Man of Steet, nobody likes
me anymore. All of the criticism is so unfair! The way lsee it, l've saved 329,417 lives,
while l'm only directly responsible for the deaths of 328,412. which means l'm plus-5!
Make way for Lois Lame, crusading
reporter for the Daily Pomegranatel
I wrote a f ront-page story about a
woman who was nearly rnurdered by
terrorists, and another front-page scoop
about a woman who fell off a skyscraper
and lived, and a third exclusive about a
woman who was saved from drowning
in a battle zone! And all three of those
women are MEI I always say, if you can't
find the news, BE the news! Chew on
that, Woodward and Bernstein!
Maybe a pep talk from your dead old
dad will cheer you up! Remember, son,
trying to do good will always fail. That's
what my ghost will tell you, in your
mopey mind, during your imaginary sulk
hike up a frozen dream mountain. A dull,
meandering story about the time I was a
fake hero who accidentally drowned my
neighbor's horses while eating a cake.
Seriously, that's in this movie, exactly.
MAD couldn't think of anythinq half
as inane as my actual story!
t
t
I
Look at the incredible parade of Oscarnominated
talent they hired to try and class
up this shlockl Amy Adams! Holly Hunterl
Laurence Fishburne! Jeremy lronsl Jesse
Eisenberg! Ben Affleck! Diane Lanel FIFTEEN
Oscar nominations between them ! And
what people don't realize is that underneath
all this junky CGl, l'm actually Meryl Streep!
.it'x
t.,
Ai,
L' di
qsi
\-
It's the director, Zack Snyder! Even
off the job, he's always directing!
Look at him using his cell phone to
take a video of his baby daughterl
i.4 ,ffi
q -l\:<1
Bcy oh boyl
lcan't
wait until
Battyman and
Stu porman
f ishtl
:{;rrl
Nevertheless, you'll have to do
just that! The big fight doesn't
happen for another two hours!
Suddenly, the second season
of HBO's Irue Detecflye seems
like it was worth the wait!

.Oh,
come ONI Not againtThis
rs llke the 78th time we,ve been
shot! That's it, Martha, no more
going out to the movies! From
now on, we Netflix and chilll
That explains
why your
sheets a re
always covered
with guano I
Those two freaks have
wrecked or collapsed
nearly every skyscraper
in downtown
Necropolis !
Except, ironicallV,
the Jenga Building I
Evacuatel
You need
to get
out of
that
building
NOWI
lf you could see oJi
pants, you'd know tha:
we all evacuated ten
minutes ago I But
somebody has to stav
here. Who'll protect th:
office suppliiiiiiiiies?
'/\
.-f
J,-
Ever since hundreds of thousands *"r"lrurf,If
to death in the battle of Necropolis, I h;;;--
sworn to preserve all human liic. That;s whv l,m
.,Tl]:s-]l]:lfrican terrorist spine_f irst tl rt,9r,
the softest stone wall in tfre compoinJi
lnka dinka dool Greetings,
Senaturtlesl - yes, it,s true, l,m the
narratively credible CEO of the world,s
largest industrial company! ptwangl I !
. My sweet LaxCorp hds global -
holdings in oil, utilities, r-obotics,
bioengineering, erotic origami,
armadillo racing and loose meats!
I share your concern about Stup;rm;
unilaterally killing whoever he ihooses
while being aniwerable to no one_
T hat's
. what drones are for! Some call
him a hero, but what,s so amazing abor,:
an indestructible man f rom space? l,m
a Democratic Senator from Kentuckyl
Which of us is the rarer creature?
* 1ir'
ll (
El .r
il t.; I
4t t
;I (
:I
EF.
{
{
a,E{
t 1/*-'
Lr2-
fxh
Sir, l'm
over
here.
i
CIark Kan't! you,re
writing tomorrow,s
front page storv,
"STUPORMAN'-S
BRUTAL MURDER
SPREE" !
Okay, so l'll
tweak the
headline to
"THANK YOU,
STUPORMAN !
OUR HERO
DOES IT
AGAII{ !"
Stuporman
wouldn't
have HAD
to save me,
if I wasn't
there in the
first place.
Tear up the
front page !
New headlinel
"IDIOT EDITOR
SENDS GAL
REPORTER
INTO TERROR
DEATH TRAP! "

-.':7 "a{'r#-b
. -)_\+4"{,(^lt fd,
F*ffittu Q::,--
I sense that he's lying.
But as an American
reporter, l'm forced
to copy down his quote,
print it without comment
and call it a day!
4
r
4
\
I
Heh hehl My Bat-plan worked to peit"ctiontGRilate Lax,s
party, tiptoe fifty feet away to his secret data bank, which
for obvious reasons is unsecured and located next to the
kitchen. Attach a flash drive, without knowing anything
about the amount of data I Wait a few minutes, i."ri do*-n u
few balsamic shrimp crostini clusters, tiptoe back down and...
what the WHAT? Hey, mysterious woman slinking awayl Did
you happen to see anybody fooling with my infoisucky box?
l
I need to retrieve the data more than Bruce Whine
does. So ldevised an even better plan. Wait around for
somebody to hack the system, and then snatch their
device !_ Laxcorp's f iles contain a hundred-year-old
photo of me, which I,ve got to acquire for no special
reason. Because if there,s one thing we know about
alSjli3gtion, it's that if you can locatl an incriminating
photo, no one else wi[l ever have a copy of it again I
&,Ke
fTRYERtr
ffinfit
h+
Cryptic remark!
Garbled audiol
Vague instructionsl
t;
-5

:J
This committee is in session. Some_
rn_ow we,ve given ourselves jurisdiction
on what . non_U.S. .itir"n
_ probably didn,t do in Africa !
l, Stuporman, d" *l-fi;ffi#
r nen again, I do EVERvTHING
solemnly in this drea.,, movie!
tu1y #1 superpo*"i u g;ir".ingl
What: iraqed,., l
lhere .. =-= :raht
U.5,5enators at
tha: hearingi
Yeah, it's a tragedy
that the other 92
Senators were
someplace else !
i ; ; i :"|'i,ii il? Tifi ::t": "
o*',,
^ i i ffil i {7
oF M/tEs Aw^v^" _ ,,.]: ry;.:n?r/E: Hete GotNG ro aE THousANDs
-H, aF M/tEs ^y:NO p,eeo tos t)ie;;r;;;;Z;i,:;iX:If{",
t-fl*
il
1rr",.,,,iIffi :ilqg4yW#
'-"--1
;.994
.-.\t - \
( -
".-s--v-
!. v\
,\l"9'
&-:\
^-'-;l*
Nrtu
li\
r*
!(
I
E
E
Yeepy yelbert
ts workins plan-tastica[i-
Th; p;bli; il"r"r'sii"t Oooh-wah,
*|II: r";s",i;;;,i :t;i,.?:ll:;:"JJi;:;i.liiL?,,."
who was the onlv persr
t * o, i n, t
", I ;i ; I"ffi ??*,i i ff X, l'il"r, lT :i I i, #",
atter seeins Battyman rse a t,sl.,_rp"e;i;#;;:I tank to trv to
stea I my u n i q u e K ra pto n ite m et6o r, o"ir-, ai' i li,i; ijr;i .ri. JJ o,],
rr rnsrde a breakable glass display .rr". rniorpilhensibly_costly
ffi l"'l, r;riil;; M.;iil;,,,rsaparira !
ff,
ti.
9\7
Y,
-l\
H#H
--ec' (rfD*
'v{H0 r
{
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t
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lll
llii
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t
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f
I
Ti
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II
rl
l1
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Too late l lsr,
serf-aouuii-rr ;;il;; ;lj '
on mv chest stands for
mu<r +r,,.t^^ +^ ^.t._-1 rltngs I
were must
invulnerable. trudge to a frozen And so
mountain tnut ruv Jir"y not be
a dream, to see a vision rhat.may
"r-;;y';;r,
f,",r"v tatr,er,
who may or may not be d
f,r mav not m:ko an,, "^^]1"1:,11,!ear h.is advice ti.t ,iv
ru1lg:u 1*Sn'" on rylh;; *ri ii'ii"1! l:;i,y,
1,::
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i
{; i

An excellent idea to train to f ight Stuporman,
sir. Because an extra 10% of human strength ivil
definitely help beat a guy who can fly to Saturn
and burn his initials into it with heat vision.
gA.OLY, A GPUNT'/NG OID MAN IN A, CAL/E BEAJING A T/R€ WIfN
ANO BECAUSE N/NE SUBPIOTS
WEREN\ ENOUGH, MA KAN'f OEI; K/D-
\, NAPPED. FOP THl,s gCENE TO WOR/<,
, WE AAVE 10 Aa'UME IANI g/UPOR-
,
MAN'? IU1OMWORK; ALL OAY, AIONE,
KE?P\NO U? A FAPi,fi AN, THEN sHE
ALgo HAs A N/GHT ,JOB AI A DINEP.
] wHIcH MAReg CIAR,<
1 I<ANVTH1 WoPSA 5ON
IN AMER/C,
' CANIT
IHe IAZY .,/EP/< \)Usf
5QUEEZE 30Ue COAL
;
INTO DlAMOND5 FOR ,iI
\V?
auf Howoto SruPoPMAN
HAP?eN 10 6eNeg lO/9 HAO A,EN
SHOVED OFF 7HE POOF? WA9NII
UE FAP AWAYON GHO97 DAD
ttlo U t /7'A /N tN SA I KA rC HE WA N
OP. WHY PIPN?T
TRUTHEP 'OME?LACE? ?UT A CHUNK OF
/<RAPTON/rE INfo HER PoCKET
BEFORE PUgH/NG HERP WHY WON'T
IO/9 IAME CAL' fAE POUCE
ANO TELL rHEMIHA IAX TPUTH€R
IHREW HER OFF AI' BU/ID/NG?
ANO IF TRUTHEP KNOWS STUPOR-
M ANt 9 /D E NT/TY 70,</D NAP
NI' MOTHER, WHY 19 IO/9 IAME
NEEOEO A9 BA//FORlH€ BA/7?
wHyoorg THtg EX/5r?
€;
g
x,
\i
&
1HA1t9 NOrH/NC!
wAtf 20MlNurEs,
UNTIL
STUPORMAN
g?Meuow NoflcEg
lo/9 IAME'5
FAINT TAPP/NG,
WHEN SHEI9
UNDERWATER
l\NO Cc\e?eo 3Y A,
CONCR€TE SIAB,
wNlLe Het;
GCTIING
PUNCHED INTA€
HEAD BY A
s,ooo-PouND
t IONSTEP/
tr,iS#
To save yo' mama, you must defeat Battyman.
It's the ultimate rivalry! Bigger than Coke vs. Pepsi!
Dog vs. hydrantl Smurfs vs. Gargamell
Humidifiers vs. dehumidifiersl Smooth vs. chunkyl
Yes! lf you and Battyman both wanted to kill me,
why did you have to trick him into fighting me?
Why didn't you just tearn up?
. ,-,:--],ffiff"'j".:$E
Allow me to explain my plan. But unlike a James
Bond villain's plan, mine makes absolutely no sense!
I hired Af rican terrorists, then waited for Lois Lame
to feel like interviewing them, then killed them with
experimental prototype bullets that work exactly like
regular bulletsl I knew the government would blame
you, because everybody knows that Stuporman
shoots people. Plus, nothing upsets the American
public more than when terrorists get killed I
I had to cut a deal with the Senatorto allow my
Kraptonite into the country, because even though
I was plotting multiple mass murders, I wouldn't
want to get in any trouble with Customs, Meanwhile,
I gave Bruce Whine's former employee a bomb
wheelchair, to blow up the Senate hearing that
nobody was sure whether you were going to attend.
The jar of pee speaks for itself. Any questions?
\ -{-:
\-ri-/
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r.tV4, yl

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':18

FR&N# BAD TO VERSE i}HPT,
It's hard for me to
turn down ntonev.
because that's what
I've done in my
whole life. I grab and
grab and grab. you
know I get greedy. I
want money, money.
- Donatd 2/23/2016
- Lufr,e 72:15
Andhe sadto
them.,,,Tafr,e cilre)
an{ be onyour
ynrd agahst ott
covetousness.,
for
one's tife does-
rwt cotrskt intfie
sfiundance of ffu
possessions.
i
s-
&
B
luhenyou qive
:,fr*:,
t don.t
,:*:,
rike the
rose.s
poor,
!n" Wf"A -Donard 7/1a/zo1s
the [ome, tfte btind. L L ' ..*..**
- Lufr,e 74:13
Whenosenterrcektwt
executed st once agoitut o
crine, the fumsrl n"*t *
enLoursgedto do wiL
I
*
i3
t#
ii+l
,q
tl
-
Dcc[esrostes g:11
I could stand in the middle of Fifth
1"."y9 and shoot so-ebody, u.rd
I wou.ldn t Iose any voters, okay?
It's, like. incredible.
- Donatd 1/23/2016
And if any ffwn wit{ sue thee,
yy tP ou:ily thy coot, [et
rLLm nave ttty ctoak sko.
_ trtattfiew 5:+O
Throw them out. Throw them
out.into the cold. Don,t give them
their coat. No coats!
-
Donatd 1/7/2016
,a-.::::iii@

itre aiotit...w"lt"k" ih" Bibte ail the way!,, And there
was great tumult, and the cable news did rend asunder.
And the man spoke unto the masses for a third time,
proclaiming, "The Bible means a lot to me, but I don't
want to get into specifics.,, But we do!
Do not ft*ve sex,${re[-sttafls wfifL both s
wo'ftwn anil fwr drugftter,,,Thgl sre c[ose
re[attyes, ffidtfvs wou{d 6e awirfr,ed aLt.
-LevinLus 1-8:16-L7
She does have a very nice figure. I've said
if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps
I'd be dating her'
-
Donard 3t6t2,o06
N 'i''"t'
I try unto you,'Ifwtye resktrct ai[: 6ut
whosower sfisff sr*ie tfwe ontfly ,rgfrt cfwek,
fiffrlto fttmthe other ako.
-Matthew 5:39
When someone crosses you, my advice is
"Get Even!" That is not typical advice, but it
is real life advice. Ifyou do not get even, you
are just a schmuck!... I love getting even.
-
Donald 11/1/Ee7
: +"inteffrgatt fwart arqnres
i fuowtedge) sndtfte ear'of the
: wke seefr,s frnowtedge,
-Prwerbs L8:L5
We won with poorly educated.
I love the poorly educated.
-
Donald 2/23/2016

I
3
I
n
i
E
Tftou sha[trct An extremely credible
Btcssed sre the rneek, for
6ear source has called my
fakewiffiess
tfi,q, tvlff iflherit tfte eartfu,
office and told me that
sgelnst tfLy
Barack Obama's birth
-Mattfte$r 5:5
rwrgfibor
certiflcate is a fraud.
Shorr me someone without an ego,
-Exodus 20:L6
and I'11 shorv vou a loser. Having
a healthr ego. or high opinion of
yourself. is a real positive in life!
- Donald 7./1912012
Do rwt sssocrntewitfL s sfunpte 6abbter.
,..., ;;;lriiiliLW
-Prwerbs 20:1,9
[Lincoln] was Do lwt s&y) (I a man who was of great
wiffrepry stif,'
intelligence, which most presidents would be.
W ait for the Lord, snd he wiff
But he was a man of great intelligence, but he
was also a man who did something that was
detwer
You' -
Prm,er6s 2o:22
a very vital thing to do at that time. Ten years
before or 20 years before, what he was doing
If you see somebody getting ready
would never have even been thought possible.
to
throw a tomato, knock the crap out
So he did something that was a very important
of them, would you?
thing to do, and especially
Seriously. I will
at that time.
pay for the legal fees, I promise.
- Donald 313112016
- Donafd 2/1/2016
Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q.
is one of the highest-and you all
know it! Please don't feel so stupid
or insecure, it's not your fault.
- Donald 5/812013
Wfw anwng youi"s wi"se s.n{wderstandmg?
Let Frim show by ft,-s good behs ,ior lns deuds
inthe gent[eneis of iudom, _James 3:13
#
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MAII's new Spy vs Spy anthology celebrates 150 classic
adventures, now masterfully colorized for the first time.
ffiffiWffi
LIBERTY
S'IREET

.,u!_Y 9, 2016
6\ TodaV, my mom made pasta salad for lu nch. But Grandma Judy said, "l hate pasta salad. lt's like eating salty, oily worms.,,And my little
r{s{l sisterSophiesaid,"lt'strue! ldon'twanttoeatpastasalad,eitherl"AndGrandmaJudytoldmymom,,,Don,tworry-l,ll justmakeusa
sandwich. Just show me where the bread is." And so my mom found it for her. Then, when my mom sat down, Grandma Judy said, ,,One more
thing: where's your cutting board?" And so my mom got up and showed her. And then she said, "Where,s the cheese?,,And then my mom just
sighed, got up and made a sandwich for her.
SA}'OR,ITG
QUOTATTBNS
When she sat down, Grandma Judy looked at my mom and said, "Look at those bags under your eyes! The baby is really making you tired!,,
And my mom said, "Uh-huh." And Grandma Judy said, "You're lucky it's not twins! Can you imagine taking care of two babies at once?,,And my
mom muttered, "Oh, l'm getting a sense of what that would be like.,,
JULY 10, 20X6
A Do the kids ar Hogwarts take any
/m"\ p61-ps; subjects, like math? I feel
like I never see that mentioned in the
books. As best I can tell, you can graduate
from Hogwarts knowing how to kill
someone with two words, but not, like,
how to figure out the tip on a check in a
restaurant. (Although, I guess ifyou can
kill someone with two words, no one will
ever complain.)
lrllg: ,". 1r,1,,:' ;:r.:r. .. , .tl:f;:,lr:,:. rli,r.l :'!tr:: ri:.r ,:iiiir
jrJLY 11, 2015
t got in trouble with
/\ , - t my parents today.
My little sister Sophie
saw an ad for "The BFG"
and asked what it stood
for, and I took a guess,
based on the term
"8"F.D." (lt turns out, the
"F" is for "Friendly".)
JULY 11,2016
6|\ Today, my mom was burping Kevin when Grandma Judy grabbed him out of her arms and said, "you're doing it wrong! Let me show you!,,
I/s-dl Andthat'swhenKevinpukedall overGrandmaJudy'sface. ldon'tthinkl'veeverseenmymomlaughlouderorharder.Hourslater,at
dinner, she was still cracking up.
JULY 12,2016
/\
Oh, man. My mom just called Sophie and me into the baby's room, and asked us why
i*l all of Kevin's clothes were on the floor. Then my GrandmaJudy poked her head in and
said, "oh! I did that. They were folded wrong so I took them all out. I folded one right, to
show you how to do it see?" And she pointed to a folded
-
onesie in the closet. Then she
said, "Honestly, I don't know how you've managed so far without me!,,And my mom said,
''fhis is my third child."
But by then, Grandma Judy had moved on to pulling stuff out of the linen closet and re-folding
the towels.
LI j:ri,,,.ti f :itrrir: ,: ,rr,,
,, JUIY'13,2016
d^\
So, today my dad came to me and my
r*l sister Sophie and said, "lt's your mom's
birthday tomorrow. Did you guys get her
anything?" And Sophie said, "t got her a card
two weeks agol" And I said, "lt's her birthday?"
And my dad said, "OK | need you two to do
-
something special for me, all right?"
JT,JLY't4,2CI15
Grandma
/\ Judy was in an awful mood tonight. At dinner, she told my mom all about the terrible day she'd had: ,,First, Tad told me he,d
lvl forgotten to 8et you a birthday present, and so we had to drive to the florist to get you some flowers and he kept insisting
-
that none of
them had your favorites, so we had to 8o to five different ones! Then Sophie asked me to show her how to French braid her hair, and I swear,
it's not that difficult, but she kept doing it wrong and making me show her again from the beginning. And then Tad wanted me to show him
how to fold laundry, and Sophie needed help organizing her bookshelves I swear, I feel like I haven't seen you
-
or the baby all day!,,And my
mom looked at Sophie and me. And we looked at her. And we whispered, "Happy birthdayl" And my mom hugged us both super-hard.
,ii:,
r* uxrs
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Captain
America
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General Zod
@ pr*crs
Tad visited:
!y uome
S Flowers Flowers
Flowers
$ The Enchanted
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+b Petal Pushers
+'\ Bloomtown
iF Stem'r The Breaks!
Captain Cap'n
Underpants Crunch
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To generate
even more interest in
the Olympics, organizers
have considered adding
modern sports to the
games. We think this is a
great idea-especially
1f,JplTtrft: MIKE S,{SR$6
ARTIgTI JSHil I{E&$EH#Ai.IM
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Competitors must complete an obstacle course while
carrying on a long-winded text conversation with a friend
who has just broken up with her boyfriend. Scores are
based on spelling, punctuation and how many things
they hit while searching for just the right emoji.
ry
New
Olympic
Events That
AMERICANS
Are Sure
to Win
SYNCHRONIZED
SELFIES
Commitment to duck face, control
of the selfie stick and avoiding
photobombs are all requirements
for taking home a medal in this
event. Each selfie must contain a
team of three athletes: the phone
owner, her best friend and the girl
the best friend brought who for
some reason thinks she has to be
in the photo even though she's,
like, totally not part of the group.
v
CRAFI BEER TASTE-TEST Tlrt^E TRIAIS
Pretentious craft beer drinkers from around the world vie
for the title of World's Biggest Beer Snob. Contestants
must be able to make condescending remarks about a
brew's "hoppiness" and use words like "complicated"
and "risqu6" without getting punched in the face.
Olympic officials have warned that any athlete who \
tests positive for Coors Liqht will be disqualified. 7
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( FREESWLE SPOI LE R.ALERTING
Each athlete has 30 minutes to reveat a movie's surprise plot twist and
ruin the film for as many people as possible' Coordination and dexterity
are put to the test as the contestants simultaneously tweet, phone' blog
and shout out the movie's ending to passersby. The gold medal will go to
whichever competitor is beaten most savagely by enraged film lovers.
g+.+ #iHl["f,
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Coffee servers from around the world display their skills in a
variety of events, including "Most lmaginatively Misspelled
Name on Coffee Cup," "Avoiding Eye Contact With the
Customer," "Worst Drink Order
Mix-up" and "Refusing to
Pick up the Pace Even
Though There's a
Line Lln€ Out out the ;=.
Damn Door." i$ii'
MARATHON W
BINGE-WATCHING
A true marathon for the
modern era, competitors
lay on couches and bingewatch
their favorite shows
until they fall asleeP
(or, if they're watching
C-SPAN, pass out from
boredom). Points are
taken off their final score
for using the bathroom,
eating something remotelY
healthy, fast-forwarding .
or engaging in any type ),
of personal hygiene. 7
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0
SKENN.{Y JEANS S&& METER RUN
At the starting gun, athletes wriggle into their tightest
and most fashionable jeans. Once the jeans are ruled
sufficiently zipped by a Panel
of judges, the competitors
attempt to complete the
500-meter course
without falling or
splitting their
pants,
4
After having been provided with prescriptions for medical
marijuana, athletes smoke a crazy amount of weed and then try
to jump without falling down and giggling. The last competitor
to remember where they are and what they are doing wins.

qtEET#ft: *APBY l"lEe&lAxaa ARTTSTS: *tC{ *EePY &tr{* J{}SEI*E pETe€*GI
The latest Cclptoin
Americq movie is
subtitled "Civil Wor"
beccuse it pits good
guy agoinst good guy.
(Which, so fcrr crs we
know, has never been
done in <r comic-book
movie!) This is <I bold
choice lor Mqrvel,
given Americq's own
Civil Wcr. But while
the title might seem
like on easy mcrrketing
ploy to drum up
crttention, there qre
plenty oI similcrities
between the two con-
Ilicts -
so mcny thcrt
we hod to compile
them here, with...
&IYIMNIffiilYILMN
AMERICA'S
crvm urAR...
CAPTAIN AMERITAI
EIVIL W4fr,..
...lasted four yecrs.
****************************
AMENIGA'S
crvlt wAR...
EAPTAIN AMEflIEAg
cwlL wAn...
... felt like it losted four yecrs.
AMERICA'S
crvlL wAn..,
EAPTAIN AMEflIEA:
ctvtl wAn...
... proved thot "war
is hell" qs General
Shermon mcrched
through the South.
... proved thct
moviegoing is hell
crs the qctors chewed
through the scenery.
... pitted brother agcinst
brother on the bcrttlefield.
... pitted nerd cgcrinst
nerd on the Internet.

AMERICA'S
CIVIL ITIAR...
EAPTAIII AMERICA:
EIVIL WAF...
AMERICA'S
CIVIL WAR...
EAPTNN AMERICA.
EIVIL WAR...
,.. gcve us the Gettysburg
Address, which wcs
written on the back
oI cn envelope.
****************
AMERICA'S
crvlr. nrAR...
... gtcve us q nonsensiccrl
plot that wos written
on the bcck of c
cocktcil ncpkin.
CAPTAIN AMEfrIEA:
CIVIL WAn*.
...wqs responsible
Ior the deaths of
tens of thousqnds
of Americans.
*******
AMENICA'S
cxvll. wAR...
...wcrs responsible
Ior the deaths of
tens of thousonds of
Americqns' brain cells.
*****
CAPTAIN AMEfrIEA:
EIVIL WAfl...
...wcrs oll crbout
stqtes'rights.
**************
AMENICN'S
CIVIL 1I'8R...
...wcrs cll obout
merchqndising rights.
CAPTAIN AMERIEA:
EIVIL WAN...
... fectured
Bobert E. Lee
in c prominent
role.
*********
AMERICtrS
cryIL WAR...
... feqtured Stan Lee in
ct cqmeo role (no relotion
to Robert E., though they did
ottend high school together).
*****
EAPTAIN AMERIEAI
EtvtL wAn...
=€ +=l:
... mcrked the
first crppearonce
in bcttle of cln
ironclcd warship.
e+
...mcrked the
sixth appeorcnce on
Iilm of qn iron-olod
Robert Downey, ]r.
... has led people
to recreqte bcrttles
fought long ago.
... hcd its chqrqcters
rehcsh bcrttles fought in
every other Marvel movie.

A]lIENICA'S
CIVIL WAR...
CAPTAIN AIlEflIEA:
clvlL wAfl..-
AMENICA'S
crvll" wAR...
EAPTAIN AMERITA:
EIVIL WAR...
...inspired the
phrcrse, "The South
shclll rise cgcin!"
*****
AMERICES
cruIL wAn...
... inspired the Phrase,
"Jesus, that wcs onIY
pcrt ONE?"
*******************
CAPTA'N AMEEITA:
flvll wAfr...
... is still a divisive
issue, I50 yecrs loter.
AMENICA'S
CIVIL WAR...
...wcts {orgotten
in a month.
****
TAPTAIN AMEHICAI
ElvlL wAn...
...wcrs the bcsis lor
...wiII set up
great lilms such crs Avengers 3-, lron Mon 4'
"Ctory, Lincoln cnd
Goniwith theWind.
***********
AMENICA'S
cffIL U,AR...
oind Ant-Mon 2: Rise
oI the Weevils'
*****************
...wcts directed by
Abrcrham Lincoln,
CAPTA//N AMEflICA:
flvtl wAR...
...wcts directed by
the Russo Brothers,
Americc's grecrtest known for their work on
Presidlnt. You, Me and DuPree'
...ended with Robert E. Lee's
surrender at APPomattox.
... is part of Morvel's cinemotic universe,
so it never recllY ends.

_IHEfE_SI oRIIER: EUR FTRST
TTRTTER TIF BUSINESS IS AitiE'Nrr
ADVENTURE' EXCITEMENT. A JEDI CRAVES NOT THESE THINGS...BUT YOU
#* g*a* fu*es*
=**S:*E q,.1FEE Ei E e
.-F-rsL EY FF:B&*<*F
==' Er eE#ffi8 -;j"cr
j ...to he part of a
i!:ygq_l_11'?
...to wear white
plastic armor?
@6i
: #ryre E"#csks fSS#E- *e ff# # fffS_-rergg"mrymgrg
:ff}j::1:::li?]:"9::i1ln_1!111'*': as,an ambitioris ritue startup r,,o*n ,,lr,u c,ffi;,,|ilT*,,,,,,,n leading provider of fascism
,iiri has been a
and fascist services throughout the gataxy. Under the direction of our founder ,ro
relied on the Three T's
iilrll;$riffi::l:
- Terror, Tyranny and Totalitarianism to keep local star systems in linel
-
well the trmes have changed and we
have new people in charge, but we still have the same old need for thousands of troops to serve as cannon fodder.
i BUT WE EAN'T DO IT ALONEI WE NEED YOUR HELPI YOII'RE OUR ONLY HOPEI i
i wh'theI, yo''re blasting Resistance scum, enslavtng planets or just generally entorcing the will of a galactic uu)put' despot, rurrrrrrs joining Ine the rrrst First ur( 0rder j
i-i]T
p:1Yl1il9 intimidation !igl_Illitv
and feaisome oppression throughout the star system I
.4, **
w -q"ffiea€ffi€* "fl#ffi #+€g%€ffiffiffi#H
0ur Stormtroopers aren't just mere foot soldiers in an ongoing galactic batile. you're our Fear Ambassadors,, who spread or,. ,rrrr*J
around the universe. Enrist today and you'il visit exotic rocations incruding:
J
i norn I
ENBLESS ERAY
EORRITIORS

@
l=nHN vAuTABLE NEW sKELr-sl
Bantha-riding!
Marching in formation!
Searching for droids!
Standinq in rows!
Population control!
INOTE: You will NDT learn haw to un-dock a TIE Fighter]
}IEALTFI ETTUEFITS
Using one of those spinny
laser-haton thingies!
ldentifying your dead
friend - even when
you're all dressed
exactly alike!
As employees of the First 0rder, you're entitled to top-of-the-line healthcare! Covered injuries include - but are not limited to -
o Dismembered by light saber
e Crushed by crude-but-effective e Embedded shrapnel from
Ewok trap
exploded Deathstar
o Repeatedly shot in chest by blaster
e Maimed in crossfire
e Appendage forcibly removed by
angry Wookiee
NE1TV X!N!FT3R'KI$!
o Smooshed beneath leg-tangled
AT-AT
o Force-choked by
intergalactic despot
o Kylo Ren tantrum collateral damage e Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
the following'
It's not just all-white anymore! As partof our "Second 0rder: Fun!" initiative, we are proud to introduce all-new uniformsforspecialoccasions:
Friday
Ewok avoidance!
Summer Hours
And don't forget to sign up for
the company softhall team!
St. Patrick's llay

@ nnsr rrRrrER FAEs
S: I thought you guys went out of business years ago.
A: Like 0bi-wan Kenobi, some rumOrs never die. Yes, the Empire suffered minor setbacks after the illegal destruction of two
Death Stars (we are still seeking remedy in the civil court case Empire v. Rebel Alliance). But after this admittedly rocky period
that saw the tragic murder of the Emperor and an unfortunate shift towards democracy and freedom, we have re-organized
as a leaner, smaller organization under our new CE0, Kylo Ren.
/'=tffi+ 0: l've heard it's difficult to work for the First Order. Like, if you mess up even once, you get Force choked by Darth Vader.
\{#b'
A: While we've had morale issues in the past, Human Resources has worked diligenfly to resolve this issue. Also, Lord vader is dead.
Q: Areyou buitoing a
db
new Death Star?
A: We cannot comment
Y f^
on future building plans at il
A: we cannot comment on future building plans at this time. All options remain open. However, please search for
\5r" ,,Death 2.0"
Star
on Kickstader for f urther information.
,ffi.
6,,ffi
W
B: S: What about the armor? Does it actually actuaily stop blaster btast fire?
A: Thanks to a new design, our armor is 3% moreeffective eff than before - offering nearly ll%protection against blaster fire!
@ ran MoRE TNFnRMATToN
Vi a H o I o - N et: www. First0rderRecruitmentstormtrooperAppriEation.com
Or fill out this form:
SPECIES
HOME PLAI'IET
EDUOAII(}N:
H Padawan E Moisture vaporator schoor tr university H Jedi Academy
ti
D{l Y()U HAYE WHAT IT TAI(ES?
Take this simple quiz to see if you're ready to be a First 0rder Trooper!
I would / would not (circte one)bail out the first time I have to murder
innocent civilians.
:3r'::;:
til;t:"?
j
I would / would nol (circte onel assist Resistance pilots in escaping.
I would / would nor (circre onel be interested in herping the heir to the Jedi
awaken her sensitivity to the Force.
I would like to learn more about (check altthat appty)
EIIE,-
J& i
;'e i.
.-:" iE i; ,
*
tr Enslaving wookiees tr Brasting Jawas tr Guarding shierd Generators
il Searching for Droids ilTorture il Web Design
PLTAST TRANSMIT T(]:
First 0rder Human Resources
Attn: Barbara Fett, Manager, Human Resources Dept.
Suite i 138
Coruscant, Galactic Core
0UR W0R|(P|_ACE C0MMITMENTS: The Empire is an equal opportunity employer and
does not discrrminate based on race, color, planetaryorigin oiipecles. (We do, however,
enslave and destroy planets based on those very things,) Clones are welcome.

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BACK TO CLASS
BETORE ]HEY
tAY YOU OFF.

ffiffirL7:SP.&F&E*I t{ I
MAD's Lenng Brenner passed awag April gth, 2016. Beginning in IgbB and
spanning six decades, he served as MAD'S production chief and later art
director. But mainlg, he was a free model for MAD's artists and photographers
to use, and use, and use! Here are some of Lenng's most mernorable
appearances in and out of MAD's pages.
ii:+-l.h:
t':,;,:;lil.
LennU's nickname
was "The Beard"
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around the article:
rubber stamps
made bU Sergio
Aragon6s for
LennU
Sketch bg Nick
Meglin during
a MAD trip
ar dd, ro,,o
#"ff$:.:*tx
la, tha.t
bittY cau ! !
,r:i Drawing bU Paui Peter Porges
of W;lliam M. Gaines, Nick Meglin
and Lennu on a MAD trip to Tahiti
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JanuarU l964
photo: Lester
Kau$s
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MAD #4,1961
(l to r): Jerru DeFuccio,
Nick Meglin, Al Feldstein
and LennU introducing
the "Sing Along with
MAD" songbook insert
photo: Lester Krauss

Lennu models
the MAD T-shirt
MAE #49,
Septernber'1959
S'matter, can't you Dial?!
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December'1960
photo: Lester
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the dropsy
in snide!
"The Lighter Side of Sex"
MAD #t36,.'ulu I97O
artist Dave Berg
MAD #S4S,
September 1996
i artist Angelo
torfes
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photo: Maple
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&"the Lighter
Side of Relatives"
MAD #11I, June 1967
artist Dave Berg
MAD #87, June 1964
artist Sergio Aragon6s
w
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MAD#272,
JulU 1987
artist George
woodbridge
MAD Super Special #95, September 1994
qP, artist Dave Berg
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't'i:f Free Fastpass bracelet, which allows gou
to skip to the front of the tine, plus discounted
FastPassplus bracelet, which allows gou to kick the
people in line while gou're skipping ahlaO of them
r,,,i' I5 minutes alone with
the Hall of presidents,
no questions asked

iill
'lllil' unlimited
free refills at
The Countrg
Bear Jamboree
Moonshine
StiII
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Vl//[gh staging in a Disneg
resort, Uou can fall asleep
everu night being
spooned bg Chip
and/or Dale
from Walt Disneg's mustache
with a certificate of authentieitg
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lll,ii; sxclusive backlot tour where
gou get to lag off a member
of the animation studio
ilr
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parking bg former
Disneg star Lindsag Lohan
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A select and expansive
collection of Don's best pages
spannirg his 32 years at MA0!
A must-have for lovers
ol Shtoinkl
A virtual comhination ol
Totally MAD and lnside MAD,
plus newly added articles all
in one spectacular volume,
A Sam's Club Exclusive!
lncludes new, neverbefore-seen
Sergio art!
Plus a pull-out poster
with 500 ol Sergio's
favorile marginals!
Special digest size!
lncludes 95
diaholical adventures
by Peter Kuper!
lncludes every
Spy vs. Spy
adventure lrom
1987 to 2007!
Six pointiess
collections,
perfeet lor lans
of MtrD on
Cartoon Network!
Att;,ni.,'
t .); r_.,.,.
- :_-_-. I "),,
.r-lilR*eF1N
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?hree Pecadcs ef
llis €reatest Works
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How ta Frnd a S*ud tn lZ Naii Hatas ov Less
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Sunday - 9 am
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SundaY - 1O am
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Sunday - 1 Pm
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There's a disturbing new medical trend people who were once the picture of health
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are suddenly in dire need of professional help. lt's hard to keep track of all the players
in this unfolding drama, because the victims all seem to be in league together.To find
out if this is an epidemic, or if the problems are all in their heads, fold page in as shown.
FOLD PAGE OVER LEFI @
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