red dwarf season three

ed dwarf
season three part 1
Marooned
Polymorph
Body Swap
Timeslides

ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
CARGO BAY.
Marooned
HOLLY: Abandon ship! Black Hole approaching. Abandon
ship... Oh, god, now the siren's broken.
STARBUG COCKPIT. DAY.
RIMMER: But a Black Hole's a huge, compacted star! It's
millions of miles wide! Why didn't you see it on the
radar screen?
HOLLY: Well, the thing about a Black Hole - its main
distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing
about space, your basic space colour is black. So how
are you supposed to see them?
RIMMER: But five of them! How can you be ambushed
by five Black Holes?
HOLLY: Always the way, isn't it? You hang around in
Deep Space for three million years and you don't see
one. Then, all of a sudden, five all turn up at once.
STARBUG REAR. DAY.
LISTER: Come on -- we've got less than twenty minutes.
RIMMER: Careful ... careful ... Mind the hatchway! Don't
knock it!
LISTER: What'd you want this piece of junk for?
RIMMER: That "piece of junk" happens to be a Javanese
camphor-wood chest. It belonged to my father. It's
got all my valuables in it.
LISTER: I never realised you had so much crap. What's
this? Toy soldiers?
RIMMER: Toy soldiers? They've been in our family for
years. They're priceless nineteenth-century replicas
of Napolean's Armee du Nord.
LISTER: So you can't change the clothes and that, like
you can with Sindy? And what the smeg's this?
Lister pulls out a wad of bank notes.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
RIMMER: Just what little I've managed to scrimp and
scrape, by tossing the odd copper aside for a
rainy day.
LISTER: There must be twenty grand here.
RIMMER: Twenty-four. Look -- I thought we were
supposed to be getting off the ship.
LISTER: Twenty-four thousand!? And you had the front
to borrow money off me to buy me a birthday
present?
RIMMER: It was only fifteen quid.
LISTER: Right. Fifteen quid. And what did I get? A fivequid
book token.
RIMMER: Those cards aren't free, you know. I had to
fork out for that as well.
LISTER: And you never paid me back. You're tighter
than an Italian waiter's keks.
THE CAT AND KRYTEN COME IN.
KRYTEN: Blue midget is loaded.
RIMMER: Are you sure you've got everything?
KRYTEN: Just the bare essentials -- food and medical
supplies.
CAT: Yeah, and I'm just taking the bare essentials, too --
thirty-six changes of clothing and ten full-length dress
mirrors.
LISTER: Cat -- we're going to be away twelve hours.
CAT: You think I need more mirrors?
LISTER: Come on, let's move it.
HOLLY: Okay, this is the plan: I'll try and navigate Red
Dwarf through the minefield of Black Holes. If all goes
well, we'll all rendezvous on the desert moon Sigma
four D.
CAT: What happens if all doesn't go well?
HOLLY: Well, Red Dwarf and everything on it will be
compacted to the size of a small garden pea.
LISTER: Bye, bye, Birdseye.
STARBUG REAR. DAY. LISTER IS TURNING ONE OF RIMMER'S
TOY SOLDIERS OVER IN HIS OTHER HAND.
RIMMER: Look, please, honestly. They're priceless.
LISTER: I'm just having a goosie.
RIMMER: Look, if you get curry all over them, how's
that going to look? What's Lieutenant-General Baron
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
Jaquinaux of the First Cavalry Division supposed to
be doing with meat vindaloo all over his tunic?
LISTER: It'll make him look more authentic. People'll
think he's got dysentry. You're obsessed with war,
aren't you? You collect toy soldiers, play war games,
read all those stupid combat mags. And half your books
are on Patton and Ceasar and various other gits.
RIMMER: It's about leadership. That's what I admire --
the ability to command, to out-think a worthy
opponent on the field of battle.
LISTER: It's so ironic, when deep down you're such a
basic, natural coward.
RIMMER: Coward?
LISTER: Planet leave, Miranda? That space bar, the
"Hacienda?" When that fight started up? You were
out of that door quicker than a whippet with a
bumful of dynamite!
RIMMER: That was a bar-room brawl! A common pub
fight. A shambolic set-to.
LISTER: Which you started.
RIMMER: I just made an innocuous comment, I
merely voiced a rumour that MacWilliams was
sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I
didn't start the rumour. I simply voiced it.
LISTER: To his face. Right to his face. When he was
there with his four biggest mates. Then you did your
Roadrunner act, and left me to face the music.
RIMMER: I could have got hurt.
LISTER: You'd have made a brilliant general, would't
you?
RIMMER: Generals don't smash chairs over people's
heads. They don't smash Newcastle Brown bottles
into your face and say "Stitch that, Jimmy." They're in
the nice white tent, on the top of the hill, sipping
Sancerre and directing the battle. They're Men of
Honour.
LISTER: I don't believe it! You make war sound
romantic.
RIMMER: I'll tell you something. Something I've never told
anyone. When I was fifteen, I went to Macedonia on a
school trip, to the site of Alexander The Great's
palace. And for the first time in my whole life, I felt ... I
felt I was home. This place was where I belonged.
Years later, I got friendly with a hypnotherapist --
Donald -- and told him about the Alexander the Great
thing, and he said that he'd regress me back through
my past lives. I was dubious, but I let him put me
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
under. It turned out my instincts were absolutely
correct -- I had lived a past life in Macedonia. That
palace was my home. Because, believe it or not,
Lister, he told me that, in a past incarnation, I was
Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
LISTER: Do you know something? I believe you.
RIMMER: He didn't say that I was Alexander himself,
which is obviously what I wanted to hear. But it
explained everything: I'd lived a previous life
alongside one of the greatest generals in history. No
wonder the military's in my blood.
LISTER: No wonder you're such a good singer.
RIMMER: It's funny -- to this day, I can't look at a pair of
nutcrackers without wincing. And why is it,
whenever I'm with a large group of women, I have
this overwhelming urge to bathe them in warm
olive oil?
LISTER: I have that urge, Rimmer. It's got nothing to do
with past lives.
RIMMER: Well, why is it, then?
LISTER: It's because you're unhappy with your own
weasly, humdrum existence. You're looking for
something with a bit more ... I don't know ... glamour.
Now is what counts -- you've got to live life today.
Who knows what's going to happen tomorrow? Who
knows what's going to happen in the next five minutes?
That's what makes life so exciting.
A METEOR SMASHES INTO THEM. STARBUG CRASH-LANDS ON
SNOWY LANDSCAPE.
LISTER: You see what I mean?
RIMMER: Mayday! Mayday! Can you read me? Come in,
please. Can you read me?
RIMMER: Still snowing, is it?
LISTER: It's useless. You can hardly stand up, never
mind dig it out. No luck?
RIMMER: Nothing's getting through.
LISTER: Three Days! They must be looking for us by
now. Where the smeg are they?
RIMMER: It's impossible to find us in this weather. They
could be ten feet away and walk straight past us.
LISTER: We're going to die, aren't we? How much food is
there?
RIMMER: There's half a bag of soggy Smoky Bacon Crisps,
a tin of mustard powder, a brown lemon, three water
biscuits, two bottles of vinegar and a tube of Bonjella
gum ointment.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
LISTER: Gum ointment?
RIMMER: Yes, it was in the first-aid box. It's that minty
flavour. It's quite nice.
LISTER: It's quite nice if you smear it on your mouth
ulcer, but you can't sit down and eat it.
RIMMER: You may have to.
LISTER: That's it? There's nothing else?
RIMMER: Just a Pot Noodle. Oh, and I found a tin of dog
food in the tool cupboard.
LISTER: Well. Pretty obvious what gets eaten last. I
can't stand pot Noodles. We're going to die, aren't
we? Correction -- I'm going to die. You're a hologram.
You're already dead. You don't need food.
RIMMER: Did you find any wood?
LISTER: There's no wood. There's no vegetation out
there. Smeg all. Just a wasteland.
RIMMER: We can't let that fire go out -- it's your only
form of heat.
LISTER: I'm going to die, aren't I? God, I'm hungry. I'm
going to have the crisps... Just one.
RIMMER: You ate less than sixteen hours ago.
LISTER: It's all right for you. You don't even feel the
cold.
RIMMER: Take your mind off it. Find something to put
on the fire. Mayday! Mayday! I wonder why it's
"Mayday?" The distress call. Why d'you say "Mayday?"
It's only a Bank Holiday. Why not "Shrove Tuesday" or
"Ascension Sunday?" (Mimics) Ascension Sunday!
Ascension Sunday! The fifteenth Wednesday after
Pentecost! The fifteenth Wednesday after Pentecost!
LISTER: It's French, you doink. It's m'aidez. Help me.
Muh-aid-ay. Everywhere I look reminds me of food.
Look at these books: Charles Lamb, Herman Wok, the
complete works of Sir Francis Bacon, Eric Van
Lustbader...
RIMMER: Eric Van Lustbader? What's he got to do
with food?
LISTER: Van. Bread van, meat van, food!
RIMMER: Look, you're getting obsessed.
LISTER: It's these books! It's like someone's put them
there to taunt me. Look at this -- The Caretaker by
Harold Pinta.
RIMMER: It's "Pinter." Stop thinking about food.
LISTER: Take my mind off it. Talk about something.
RIMMER: Like what?
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
LISTER: Anything. Come on!
RIMMER: Anything apart from food?
LISTER: Don't talk about food!
RIMMER: I just can't think of another topic.
LISTER: Don't mention topics! They're food! Tell me a
story. Any story.
RIMMER: I don't know any stories.
LISTER: Anything. Tell me how you lost your virginity.
RIMMER: My what?
LISTER: Come on. Talk to me.
RIMMER: How I lost it? Well it was so long ago... I was so
young and sexually precocious, I'm not sure I can
remember.
LISTER: Everyone can remember how they lost their
virginity. It's one of those things ... like everyone can
remember where they were when Cliff Richard was
shot. Or when the first woman landed on Pluto. Or
when they installed the gigantic toupee over the earth
to cover the gap in the ozone layer. It's just one of
those things you always remember.
RIMMER: Well, I don't. Good grief, you can hardly
expect me to recall every sexual liason I've ever
partaken of. What d'you think I am -- Marvo the
Memory Man?
LISTER: Come on, Rimmer. The truth.
RIMMER: The truth? Not much to tell, really. I've
always been a bit of a fish out of water when it
comes to women. Never know what to say. I wasn't
very highly sexed, to be honest with you. I think it
was all that school cabbage I was forced to eat as a
boy. Still, the first time... the first time was this girl I
met at Cadet College. Sandra, she was called. We did
it in the back of my brother's car.
LISTER: What was it like?
RIMMER: Oh, brilliant. Incredible. Bentley convertible.
V8 turbo. Walnut veneer panelling. Marvellous
machine. So what about you?
LISTER: Michelle Fisher. The ninth hole of the Bootle
Municipal golf course. Par four, dogleg to the right, in
the bunker behind the green.
RIMMER: You lost your virginity on a golf course? How
did you have the nerve?
LISTER: It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or
anything. It was midnight.
RIMMER: Oh, I see.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
LISTER: Michelle Fisher. God, she was gorgeous.
RIMMER: How old were you?
LISTER: Just gorgeous. If she'd have wanted, she could
probably have got a job behind the perfume
counter at Lewis', that's how good-looking she
was.
RIMMER: How old were you?
LISTER: She took off all her clothes and just stood there
in front of me, completely naked. I was so excited, I
nearly dropped my skateboard.
RIMMER: Your skateboard? How old were you?
LISTER: Twelve.
RIMMER: Twelve! Twelve years old? You lost your
virginity when you were twelve? Well, you can't have
been a full member of the Golf Club, then.
LISTER: 'Course I wasn't.
RIMMER: You did it on a golf course, and you weren't a
member? You didn't pay any green fees or anything?
LISTER: It was just a place to go.
RIMMER: I used to play golf. I hate people who abuse
the facilities. I hope you raked the sand back nicely
before you left. That'd be a hell of a lie to get into,
wouldn't it? Competition the next day, and your ball
lands in Lister's buttock crevice. You'd need more
than a niblick to get that one out.
LISTER: Are you trying to say I've got a big bum?
RIMMER: Big? It's like two badly-parked Volkswagens. The
only things I ever lost when I was twelve were my
shoes with the compass in the heel and the animal
tracks on the soles. Porky Roebuck threw them in the
septic tank behind the sports ground. I cried for
weeks -- I was wearing them. I never even thought
about sex when I was twelve.
LISTER: Maybe that's because you used to be
Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
Lister starts tearing pages from the book and throwing
them on to the fire.
RIMMER: What are you doing?
LISTER: There's nothing left to burn.
RIMMER: But not my books! Don't burn the books.
LISTER: There's nothing else left.
RIMMER: But it's obscene. A book is a thing of beauty.
The voice of freedom. It's the essence of civilisation.
LISTER: (reads title) Biggles' Big Adventure.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
RIMMER: Well, perhaps not that one, but you know
what I'm saying.
LISTER: Complete Works of Shakespeare. That should
be good for a couple of hours.
RIMMER: Three days without food, and the walls of
civilisation come tumbling down!
LISTER: What d'you mean?
RIMMER: They say that every society is only three meals
away from revolution. Deprive a culture of food for
three meals, and you'll have an anarchy. And it's true,
isn't it? You haven't eaten for a couple of days, and
you've turned into a barbarian.
LISTER: I'm just burning a book!
RIMMER: It's not just a book. It's the only copy of
probably the greatest work in English literature.
Probably the only copy left in the entire universe, and
you're quite happy to toss it on the fire to keep
your little mitts warm for fifteen minutes?
LISTER: There's nothing else to burn.
RIMMER: That's it, then, is it? Goodbye Hamlet?
Farewell Macbeth? Toodle-pip King Lear?
LISTER: Have you ever read any of it?
RIMMER: I've seen West Side Story. That's based on one
of them.
LISTER: Yeah, but have you actually read any?
RIMMER: Not all the way through, no. I can quote
some, though.
LISTER: Go on, then.
RIMMER: "Now..." That's all I can remember.
LISTER: Where's that from, then?
RIMMER: Richard III, you moron. The speech that he
does at the beginning. "Now..." something
something something. It's brilliant writing. It really is.
Unforgettable.
LISTER: OK, I'll save it till last. Lolita. Is it OK if I burn
Lolita?
RIMMER: Save page sixty-one. That bit.
LISTER: That's disgusting.
STARBUG REAR. DAY.
LISTER: And you can take that look off your face: like
I'm doing something disgusting. I'm just trying to stay
alive.
RIMMER: You're going to eat the dog food.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
LISTER: I haven't eaten for six days. Yes, I'm going to
eat the dog food.
RIMMER: I'm sure the dog food will be lovely.
LISTER: This isn't dog food. It's a piece of prime fillet
steak in blue cheese sauce. It's been charcoal broiled in
garlic butter. Just smell that. It's delicious… (tastes it)
Well, now I know why dogs lick their testicles -- it's to
take away the taste of their food.
RIMMER: The stove's getting low. Better throw
another book on.
LISTER: That's the last one.
RIMMER: You've burnt all of them?
LISTER: When we get through to Act Five of Henry
VIII, I'm a dead man.
RIMMER: There must be something else to burn.
THEY LOOK AROUND. THEIR EYES STOP ON THE TRUNK.
RIMMER: No. It's Javanese camphor wood. It's priceless.
LISTER: There's nothing else left to burn except the
trunk and what's in the trunk.
RIMMER: Now wait a minute. Not Napoleon's Armee du
Nord!
LISTER: Rimmer, get real, man. If it burns, we burn it.
What's the least valuable?
RIMMER: Not the trunk. My father gave me that trunk.
LISTER: The soldiers, then.
RIMMER: They're ninteenth-century. They're
irreplacable. They were hand-carved by the
legendary Dubois brothers.
LISTER: Well, then?
LISTER BRINGS OUT TWO HUGE WADS OF NOTES.
STARBUG REAR. MONEY IS BURNING.
RIMMER: How much has gone so far?
LISTER: Five thousand eight hundred. Six grand.
RIMMER: The whole twenty-four grand isn't going to last
an hour, is it? It took me ten years to save it. Ten
years!
LISTER: I'd better start unpacking the soldiers.
RIMMER: No. There must be something else to burn.
There must be.
LISTER: There isn't. I looked. Listen, I know it's a
bummer. I know it must be heartbreaking. But it's
only stuff. It's just possessions. In the end, they're
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
not important. They might go a bundle for some
swanky Islington antique shop -- but right here, and
right now, all they are is nicely painted firewood.
RIMMER: This isn't happening. It's a nightmare.
LISTER: You've got to get your priorities right. It's like
those people you read about who run back into a
burning house to rescue some treasured piece of
furniture and wind up burning to death. Nothing is
more important than a human life...
RIMMER: What about your guitar?
LISTER: Except my guitar.
RIMMER: Why didn't we think of it before? We can burn
your guitar.
LISTER: Not my guitar, Rimmer.
RIMMER: It's made of wood.
LISTER: Yeah, but it's my guitar. I've had it since I was
sixteen. It's an authentic Les Paul copy.
RIMMER: But it's not worth anything. It's just a thing. It's
just a possession.
LISTER: Yeah, but it's mine.
RIMMER: How is it any different from my soldiers?
LISTER: It's my life-line. I need that guitar. When it
gets to me -- I mean the loneliness -- when it gets
on top of me... it's the only way I can escape. I
mean, I know I'm not exactly a wizard on it, and it's
only got five strings, and three of them are G, but the
whole of my life I've never had anything to hang on
to -- no roots, no parents, no education... I went to art
college. All I've ever had is that guitar. It's the only
thing in the whole of my miserable smegging life that
hasn't walked out on me. Don't make me burn it.
RIMMER: We've got to.
LISTER: Look. this is going to sound pretty stupid... but I'd
just like to play one more song on it. One for the
road.
RIMMER: Sure, sure. I mean -- I'm not enjoying this.
LISTER: I know. Thanks, man. (singing) "She's Out Of My
Life ... She's Out Of My Life." (spoken) My step-dad
taught me this one. First song I ever learned to play.
(singing) "And I don't know whether to laugh or cry..."
RIMMER GETS UP, EMBARRASED. HE WALKS UP TO THE DOOR.
LISTER PUTS DOWN THE GUITAR AND NIPS OVER TO THE
TRUNK, TAKES A PENCIL OUT OF POCKET AND STARTS
TRACING THE GUITAR SHAPE ON THE BACK OF THE TUNK.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
RIMMER COMES IN. LISTER IS SITTING AT THE STOVE, GUITAR-
SHAPED PIECES OF WOOD BURNING MERRILY AWAY.
RIMMER: I don't know what to say.
LISTER: Nothing TO say.
RIMMER: You've made a supreme sacrifice. You know
that? A supreme sacrifice.
LISTER: Had to be done.
RIMMER: I've been judging a book by its cover,
haven't I? All these years, that's what I've been
doing. But when it comes down to it, you're one
heck of a regular guy. There's no point in being
modest. I know what that guitar meant to you. The
same as that trunk meant to me. If that trunk got so
much as scratched, I'd be devastated. It's not the
outward value -- for me, that trunk is a link to the
past. A link to the father I never managed to square
things with...
LISTER: Is it?
RIMMER: It's the only thing he ever gave me, apart from
... apart from his disappointment. But you've shown
me, by burning your guitar, what true value is.
Decency. Self-sacrifice. Those are the things that
make up real wealth. And from where I'm
standing ... I'm a pretty rich man. Burn the soldiers.
LISTER: No. Not the soldiers too.
RIMMER: You burnt your guitar. I wish to make a
sacrifice, too. Burn the Armee du Nord. Cast them
into the flames: let them lay down their lives for
the sake of friendship. What's that smell?
LISTER: What smell? I can't smell any smell.
RIMMER: Camphor. Your guitar was made of camphor
wood! It was probably worth a fortune. Burn the
soldiers -- burn them right now.
THE SOLDIERS ARE BURNING AWAY.
RIMMER: Au revoir, mes amis. A bientot.
LISTER: Look -- there's something I've got to tell you
... something awful.
RIMMER: If it's about how you finished off the dog
food, I understand.
LISTER: No, it's not about that.
THE DOOR OPENS, AND KRYTEN AND CAT ENTER.
LISTER: Cat! Kryten! You made it -- you found us!
RIMMER: So where have you been the last six days?
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
KRYTEN: We rendezvoused with Holly. Then, after two
days, when you still hadn't turned up, I said we
should go and look for you.
CAT: We have been everywhere. Fourteen moons, two
planets. I've been so worried - I haven't buffed my
shoes in two days.
RIMMER: So -- Holly managed to navigate her way
through the five Black Holes?
HOLLY APPEARS ON KRYTEN'S CHEST MONITOR.
HOLLY: As it happens, there weren't any Black Holes.
RIMMER: But you saw them -- you saw them on the
monitor.
HOLLY: They weren't Black Holes.
RIMMER: What were they?
HOLLY: Grit. Five specks of grit on the scanner-scope.
See, the thing about grit is, it's black, and the thing
about scanner-scopes...
RIMMER: Oh, shut up.
LISTER: Come on. Let's go.
RIMMER: Something happened here, Kryten. Something
that made us closer. I saw a side of Dave Lister that
I didn't even know existed. He's not just an
irresponsible, selfish drifter, out for number one ...
He's a Man of Honour.
LISTER COMES BACK IN. HE OPENS THE LOCKER, TAKES OUT
HIS GUITAR AND EXITS.
RIMMER: Kryten, would you get the hacksaw and follow
me?
KRYTEN: Where are we going?
RIMMER: We're going to do to Lister what Alexander
the Great once did to me.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
Polymorph
VOICE: This week's "Red Dwarf" contains scenes which
are unsuitable for younger viewers and people of a
nervous disposition. You have been warned.
A POD IS FLOATING THROUGH SPACE. SIGNS ON THE SIDE
READ "GENETIC WASTE" AND "DO NOT OPEN."
VOICE: Danger. Do not attempt to open this pod. The
creature inside is extremely hostile. It feeds off the
human psyche, seeks out the deranged, the
unbalanced and the emotionally crippled.
IN THE OFFICERS' QUARTERS, LISTER IS PREPARING A MEAL.
KRYTEN: I just thought I'd give your quarters a
quick tickle around, sir. I won't take a jiff.
LISTER: Not now, Kryten -- I'm cooking.
KRYTEN ATTACHES THE TUBE TO HIS GROIN AND BEGINS
VACUUMING.
LISTER: I didn't know you could do that!
KRYTEN: Oh yes, I can plug a number of add-ons into
my groinal socket, allowing me to perform virtually
any household task imaginable.
LISTER: Like what?
KRYTEN: Oh, you name it: buzz saw, power drill, hedge
trimmer ... even an egg whisk.
LISTER: What, so you just, like, stick the egg whisk
attachment on the end and you can, like, whip up a
Spanish omelette?
KRYTEN: I certainly can, sir, but it's amazing how few
people are prepared to eat them… Goodness me, I
must have sucked up a penny. I'd better change
the old bag there. Yes, I'll just go and get a fresh one.
CAT: Mmm! Something smells good! What is it? It's me! I
love this aftershave!
LISTER: You are five minutes away from the greatest
meal of your life, man, so set your tastebuds on
Defcom 3!
CAT: Hey, you've really made an effort here! Where'd
you get all this stuff?
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
LISTER: I just got sick and tired of using plastic knives
and forks, man, so I went to the medical unit and
nicked some gear.
CAT: This is a scalpel! I'm supposed to cut my food with
a scalpel? Something that has been inside someone's
guts?
LISTER: It's all been cleaned; it's all been washed; it's
clean.
CAT: ...something that, long ago in history, may well
have performed a certain popular Jewish operation?
I'm supposed to eat with this?
LISTER: Get the onion salads out of the fridge!
CAT: "Embryo Refrigeration Unit?!"
LISTER: How many times...? It's clean! It's been
cleaned! They're in the kidney bowls, next to the bag
with the chilli sauce in it. Come on, man, come on!
It's ready! Sit down, sit down! One kebab for you ...
and one kebab for me.
LISTER: Lemon juice?
CAT: What the hell is that?
LISTER: It's a syringe.
CAT: What kind of syringe?
LISTER: It's for cows -- artificial insemination. It's been
washed; it's clean; it's all been sterilised. Do you want
lemon juice or what?
CAT: Ahem. Excuse me. This isn't a meal -- this is an
autopsy!
LISTER: It's only the starter, man! What about the main
course?
CAT: Hey, you think I got nothing better to do than
hang around watching you serve chicken in a stool
bucket? (leaves)
LISTER: Oh, charming. (picks up a urine-sample bottle
of wine and begins to pour it into a beaker) I dunno.
You pull out all the stops ... you make an effort ...
try and do something with a little bit of extra class,
and where does it get you?
VIDEO ROOM.
KRYTEN: Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, sir. I just need to
get a, heh heh... er, sorry.
RIMMER: Oh, no, Kryten, it's all right. Just running a few
of the old home movies. (pointing at the screen)
That's me, there. Those are my brothers: John, Frank,
and Howard. God, we were close. "The Four
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
Musketeers," we used to call ourselves. Well, "The
Three Musketeers," actually -- they always let me be
the Queen of Spain. Marvellous. I mean, yes, I was the
butt of the occasional practical joke, but I mean,
er, nothing sinister. Just the usual boyhood pranks,
you know: apple-pied beds, and black-eyed telescope ...
and, one time, they even hid a small land mine in my
sand pit. They took it from my father's gun cabinet. I
mean, how were they supposed to know it was
going to go off? Marvellous guys.
KRYTEN: Oh, and who's that, there? An old girlfriend, Mr
Arnold, sir?
RIMMER: Hardly.
KRYTEN: Ah, no. Not really your type, I suppose -- silly
old trout like that.
RIMMER: She's my mother.
KRYTEN: Oh! I am so sorry, sir!
RIMMER: Just forget it.
KRYTEN: Oh, how can I forget it, sir? I compared your
mother to a foolish, aged, blubbery fish! I said she
was a simple-minded scaly old piscine! I estimated
she was an ugly, lungless marine animal with galloping
senility! A putrid amphibious gillbreather with less
brains than a mollusc!
RIMMER: Forget it! Freeze! There she is -- magnificent
woman. Very prim, very proper. Some say austere.
Some people took her for cold, thought she was
aloof. Not a bit of it -- she just despised idiots; no
time for fools. Tragic, really. Otherwise we would
have got on famously.
KRYTEN: Well, if you'll excuse me, sir, I'll go now --
this is clearly a very private family moment. I've no fish
to embarrass you further. I'll let myself trout.
HOLLY: I don't want you to panic, Arn, but it does
appear there's a very tiny possibility that there may
very well in all likelihood possibly be a non-human
life form on board.
RIMMER: You mean like last time, when you got us all
worked up and we went scooting off down to the
cargo bay complete with bazookoids and backpacks,
and it turned out to be one of Lister's socks?
HOLLY: I didn't recognise the genetic structure.
Biologically speaking, they were a completely new
life form.
RIMMER: Absolutely ridiculous! I felt the total goit.
HOLLY: Well, I think you should take a butchers.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
RIMMER: Where is it?
HOLLY: I lost it. It's somewhere along the habitation
decks.
RIMMER: I can't get a moment's peace in this place...
SLEEPING QUARTERS.
KRYTEN: Enjoying your meal, sir?
LISTER: It's delicious, Kryten -- de-smegging-licious. It's
my own recipe, you know: Shami Kebab Diablo! It's
beautiful, man. It's like eating molten lava. I cooked
up one for Petersen once, you know... he was in
sickbay for a week -- for a week!
THE KEBAB WRIGGLES AND SNEEZES.
LISTER: What'd you say?
KRYTEN: I didn't say anything, sir.
LISTER SETS TO CUT THE KEBAB. IT LEAPS AROUND HIS NECK.
KRYTEN: Do you seriously like them that hot, sir?
LISTER: It's trying to kill me!
KRYTEN: Oh, it's a good one, huh?
LISTER: It went under here -- I can see it!
KRYTEN: Are you all right, sir?
LISTER: Smeg! It's gone! How can that be? Where
could it go? We better get out of here, Kryten.
Something very weird is going on. Something very,
very-- ooh! There's some kind of pain in my groin...
KRYTEN: What's wrong?
LISTER: My underpants -- they're shrinking! Oh god! The
boxers are alive, man! They're getting smaller! Help
me, please! Please, I'm begging you! Get them off,
man! Pull them down!
RIMMER: Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked... You'll
bonk anything, won't you, Lister!
LISTER: Kryten, the boxers: where are they?
KRYTEN: I threw them over here… There's nothing here!
Just the blanket, and the pillows, and the... Snake!
LISTER: I hate snakes! They freak me out totally,
snakes. They are my all-time second-worst fear, guy.
RIMMER: What's your first?
A HUGE FLESHY CREATURE SHOOTS OUT. IT HAS A SET OF
SHARP TEETH ON EXTENDABLE JAWS.
LISTER: This.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
MEDICAL UNIT.
CAT: Is he OK?
RIMMER: As far as we can tell, yes.
CAT: So where'd the creature go?
RIMMER: Well, it turned into a kind of splodgy, squelchy
thing and squidged off down the corridor.
CAT: What is it? Some kind of alien?
HOLLY: No, it's from Earth -- man made. I checked
out its DNA profile. Some kind of genetic experiment
that went wrong.
KRYTEN: Apparently, it was an attempt to create the
ultimate warrior -- a mutant that could change shape
to suit its terrain and deceive its enemies.
CAT: So what did go wrong?
HOLLY: It feeds off the negative emotions -- fear, guilt,
anger, paranoia -- drains them out of its prey.
KRYTEN: It's a sort of emotional vampire. It changes
shape to provoke a negative emotion -- in Lister's
case, it took him to the very limit of his terror,
then sucked out his fear.
RIMMER: So now Lister's got no sense of fear?
KRYTEN: Precisely.
RIMMER: What are we going to do?
LISTER: Well, I say let's get out there and twat it!
RIMMER: Lister, you're ill. Just relax and leave this to
us.
LISTER: I could have had it in the sleeping quarters, but
you saw it -- you saw it -- it took me by surprise.
RIMMER: Lister, it turned into an eight-foot-tall, armourplated
alien killing machine.
LISTER: If it wants a Bonney, we'll give it one! One swift
knee in the happy sacks; it'll drop like anyone else!
RIMMER: Fine, well, we'll bear that in mind when we're
planning our strategy.
LISTER: I'm gonna rip out its windpipe and beat it to
death with the tonsil end. I'm gonna stick my fist so
far down its gob, I'll be able to pull the label off its
underpants.
Kryten injects a sedative through Lister's arm.
LISTER: What's that, pal? You starting trouble?
KRYTEN: It's just a little something to calm you
down, sir.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
LISTER: Come on, then! All of you, slags! All together or
one at a time! I don't care -- it's all the same to
me! I'm... (collapses)
RIMMER: Ah, thank god for that. Right -- as far as I
can see it, we have two options: One, we take it on
and kill it; or Two, run away. Who's for Two?
KRYTEN: Two sounds pretty good to me, sir.
CAT: It's always been my lucky number.
RIMMER: Right, well, let's load up Starbug and get out of
here.
HOLLY: What about Lister?
RIMMER: Oh, just seal the hatch from the inside. He'll
be safe here until we're ready to go.
HOLLY: Remember: it's out there, and it could be
anything.
RIMMER: Let's move it.
KRYTEN: What about the Space Corps Directive which
states, "It is our primary overriding duty to contact
other life forms, exchange information, and,
wherever possible, bring them home?"
RIMMER: What about the Rimmer Directive which states,
"Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth
than the entire Osmond family?"
CARGO DECK.
RIMMER: Set the bazookoids to heat-seeker. When you
see it, aim roughly in its direction, and the heat
seekers will do the rest. Is that a shadow? It's in the
shadows! There! There! Sorry. My fault. False alarm.
CAT: Idiot.
RIMMER: I don't understand it -- holograms don't
produce heat, and neither do androids. What are
they homing in on?
ENERGY BALLS RETURN ROUND THE CORNER, CHASING CAT.
CAT: Oh, come on -- give me a break!
Cat runs to a dead end except for a door. He activates
the door, trapping the energy balls inside.
CAT: You either got it or you ain’t. Boys, you ain’t
even close.
RIMMER: Cat, where are you?
CAT: Over here!
RIMMER: Stay put -- we'll come and find you.
KRYTEN: Keep talking!
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
WOMAN: What are you looking for?
CAT: A mutant. It's dangerous -- it can turn into
anything!
WOMAN: Oh, sounds pretty scary!
CAT: It is, baby. Believe me.
WOMAN: It must take a really brave sort of guy to do
this kind of work.
CAT: Well, I guess you're right!
WOMAN: And smart -- I bet you have to be smart!
CAT: Smart? Yeah, you definitely have to be smart.
Like I say, it can turn into anything. You gotta have
your wits about you all the time -- don't let up for
one second, or it'll just creep up on you and blip --
you're dog meat.
WOMAN: You know, you're really quite a guy -- brave,
smart, handsome...
CAT: Oh, you think handsome?
WOMAN: Oh, come on. You know, you're probably the
best-looking guy I've ever seen.
CAT: Well, I wasn't going to be the first to say it.
WOMAN: Do you know what I'd really like? I'd really like
to make love to a guy like you.
CAT: Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule
somewhere. Let's see ... what are you doing in, say,
ten seconds time?
WOMAN: Nothing I couldn't cancel.
CAT: Hi. I'm the Cat.
WOMAN: Hi. I'm the Genetic Mutant.
CAT: Glad to know you ... Genny who?
RIMMER: It's got him! It's got him! Is he dead?
KRYTEN: Unconscious, but, according to the psi scan,
he appears to have lost an emotion.
RIMMER: Which emotion?
KRYTEN: He's lost his vanity!
RIMMER: This is your fault, Kryten. We were supposed
to stick together. You let the Cat run off alone. He
trusted you. Now look at him.
KRYTEN: Oh, please... I feel so--
RIMMER: GUILTY?!
KRYTEN: Yes.
RIMMER: GOOD!
THE SLIMY SUCKER PLOPS ONTO KRYTEN'S FOREHEAD,
SUCKING THE GUILT FROM KRYTEN.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
RIMMER: Let's just get Lister and get out of here!
KRYTEN: It's got my guilt! I have lost the single emotion
which prevents my transgressing the mores, moras,
and matters of civilised society.
RIMMER: Stop your blithering, Kryten. Come on! Grab
the Cat, and let's go!
KRYTEN: Oh, screw you, hadron-head!
MEDICAL UNIT.
RIMMER: Where have you been? Let's go!
CAT: I've been getting myself comfortable, man.
RIMMER: Come on, Kryten! You're holding us all up!
KRYTEN: Ah, who cares?
RIMMER: You're going to get us all killed!
KRYTEN: So? Oh, look! It's Bonehead's mum.
RIMMER: Mother?
RIMMER’S MOTHER: Hello, dear!
RIMMER: What are you doing?
RIMMER’S MOTHER: Well, what does it look like,
darling?
RIMMER: You've just made love to my mother!?
LISTER: Yeah. Do you want to make something of it?
HOLLY: It's not your mother, it's the polymorph!
RIMMER: You've just had my mum!?
RIMMER’S MOTHER: Five times! He was like a wild
stallion!
KRYTEN: "Very prim, very proper, almost austere!"
HOLLY: Don't fall for it, it's trying to make you angry!
RIMMER’S MOTHER: Darling, I wish you could have
seen him in action. He was like a set of pistons in an
ocean liner engine room.
RIMMER: I think I'm going to be sick.
HOLLY: Don't get angry! That's what it wants!
RIMMER: Lister and mother... It's a dream come true.
RIMMER’S MOTHER: He's so energetic! I honestly
thought my false teeth were going to fall out.
RIMMER: How lovely.
RIMMER’S MOTHER: The positions he bent me into!
RIMMER: Terrific. That sounds enchanting. Well done.
RIMMER’S MOTHER: And the things this boy can do with
Alphabetti Spaghetti!
HOLLY: Cool it, Arnie!
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
SLEEPING QUARTERS. LATER.
CAT: Where is it now?
HOLLY: It's gone back down to the cargo bays, sleeping
off a four-course meal of fear, vanity, guilt, and anger.
You'd better get it before it comes back for
seconds.
RIMMER: Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien
killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber,
doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to
do is get it round a table, and put together a solution
package -- perhaps over tea and biscuits.
KRYTEN: Look at him! You can't trust his opinion -- he's
got no anger. He's a total dork!
RIMMER: Good point, Kryten. Let's take that on
board, shall we? David, do you have anything you
want to bring to this forum?
LISTER: Well, yes, I have, actually, Arnold. Why don't
we go down to the ammunition stores, get the
nuclear warheads and then strap one to my head? I'll
nuke the smegger to oblivion!
RIMMER: Right, well, that's very nice, David. Let's put
that on the back burner, shall we? Cat, let's have
your contribution... come on.
CAT: Hey, don't ask me my opinion -- I'm nobody. Just
pretend I'm not here.
RIMMER: That's lovely. Thank you very much. Moving
on a step -- and I hope no one thinks that I'm setting
myself up as a self-elected chairperson... just see me
as a facilitator -- erm, Kryten, what's your view? Don't
be shy.
KRYTEN: Well, I think we should send Lister in as a
decoy, and, while it's busy eating him alive, we could
creep up on it unawares and blast it into the
stratosphere.
LISTER: Good plan! That's the best plan yet! Let it get
knackered eating me to death, then you guys could
just, like, catch it unawares!
RIMMER: Well, that's certainly an option, David, yes, but
here's my proposal: Let's get tough. The time for
talking is over. Call it extreme if you like, but I
propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major -
- and I mean MAJOR -- leaflet campaign, and while it's
reeling from that, we'd follow up with a a car boot
sale, some street theatre and possibly even some
benefit concerts. OK? Now, if that's not enough, I'm
sorry, it's time for the T-shirts: "Mutants Out"...
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
"Chameleonic Life Forms, No Thanks" ... and if that's
not enough, well, I don't know what will be.
KRYTEN: Has anyone ever told you that you are a
disgusting, pus-filled bubo who has all the wit, charm
and self-possession of an Alsatian dog after a headswap
operation?
LISTER: Listen, you bunch of tarts, it's clobbering
time! There's a body bag out there with that
scudball's name on it, and I'm doing up the zip.
Anyone who gets in my way gets a napalm enema!
CAT: I think everybody's right, except me, so just forget I
spoke, all right?
RIMMER: I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the
real issue here, which is: what are we going to call
ourselves? I think it comes down to a choice
between "The League Against Salivating Monsters" or,
my own personal preference, which is "The
Committee for the Liberation and Integration of
Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into
Society." One drawback with that -- the
abbreviation is "CLITORIS."
LISTER: Look, it needs killing! If that means I have to
sacrifice my life in some stupid pointless way, then
all the better!
KRYTEN: Yes! Why not? I mean, even if it doesn't
work, it'll still be a laugh!
LISTER: Right, so let's just cut all of this business and
get on with it! Last one alive's a wet ponce. Who's
with me?
RIMMER: Well, the car stickers aren't ready until
Thursday, but sometimes one just has to act
spontaneously. People, let's go.
CAT: Hey, I'm coming, too. Maybe I can bum some
money off him.
KRYTEN: Maybe if I hand you guys over, it'll let me go.
MOVE IT, SUCKERS!
CARGO BAY.
LISTER: Come on, you chicken. Show us your slobbery
chops, and we'll blow them off.
KRYTEN: Here they are -- nice juicy humans! Come and
get them! Here, muty mutant!
BITS OF THE POLYMORPH FALL ON THE FOURSOME, AS THEY
SUDDENLY HAVE REGAINED THEIR LOST EMOTIONS.
CAT: Phewee! What am I wearing?
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
KRYTEN: Oh, how can you ever forgive me, sirs?
Naturally, I will commit suicide immediately.
LISTER: Hey... We were all a bit whacked out there.
RIMMER: You can say that again.
CAT: Come on -- let's go and clean up. If I don't get into
some co-ordinated evening wear, I'm going to have
to resign my post as Most Handsome Guy on the Ship.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
Body Swap
LAB. KRYTEN AND RIMMER ARE HUNCHED OVER A COMPUTER
TERMINAL DISPLAYING A HORRENDOUSLY COMPLEX CIRCUIT
DIAGRAM.
RIMMER: Turn. There's another. Circuit board epsilon
14598, red corridor 357.
KRYTEN: Re-routed.
LISTER: What's happening, guys? It's half ten. I thought
we were playing poker.
RIMMER: Where have you been? Didn't you get the
message?
LISTER: What message?
RIMMER: One of the skutters has gone bananas. He's
completely rewired the maintenance decks back to
front and upside down. We've got over two
thousand wiring faults. Don't breath. Don't touch
anything. The whole ship is a gigantic booby trap.
LISTER: No poker then?
RIMMER: We can't find the auto destruct system. It's
wired up to something but we don't know what.
LISTER: It's taken me ages to mark these cards.
CAT: So we can't touch anything?
LISTER: Nothing electrical. Not until we get the all
clear.
CAT: How long is that going to take?
LISTER: God knows.
LISTER APPROACHES THE VENDING MACHINE.
LISTER: Milk shake and a crispy bar. We were just playing
poker tonight. That's gone for a burn.
AUTO DESTRUCT: Auto destruct sequence initiated.
Initiated destruction in 15 minutes. 14 minutes, 55
seconds and counting.
CAT: That's a very dumb thing you just did then.
LISTER: I know. I wasn't thinking.
AUTO DESTRUCT: Red Dwarf will self destruct in 14
minutes and 50 seconds. Abandon ship. You have 13
minutes and 45 seconds to detonation.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
CONTROL ROOM.
RIMMER: I said, "Touch nothing." Didn't I say, "Touch
nothing?"
LISTER: Look, I just ordered a shake and a crispy bar.
CAT: You're lucky you didn't order a double cheese
burger!
AUTO DESTRUCT: Eight minutes, 20 seconds and counting.
LISTER: How do we switch it off?
HOLLY: The only person who can override the
autodestruct is the captain.
RIMMER: Dead.
HOLLY: Or one of the senior officers.
RIMMER: Dead.
HOLLY: In many ways I should have updated the
system really.
LISTER: Is there any way that we can trick the
machine into thinking one of us is the captain?
HOLLY: No. It checks his voice and brain scan against
its databanks.
AUTO DESTRUCT: Auto destruct in 8 minutes, 10 seconds
and counting.
RIMMER: Think of something please. You are
supposed to have an IQ of 6000. Think of
something.
HOLLY: I've been through the whole of my database,
collated every single option, and there are three
realistic alternatives. One: sit here and get blown up.
Two: Stand here and get blown up. Three: Jump up and
down, shout at me for not being able to think of
anything, then get blown up.
LISTER: There must be something.
KRYTEN: Perhaps we could try a mind swap?
LAB. LISTER IS TIED DOWN TO A CHAIR
KRYTEN: It's something we tried once on the Nova 5. It
uses exactly the same science as generating a
hologram. We wipe all your brain patterns and put
them on a storage disk. Then we transfer the
captaings mind from his hologram personality disk into
your empty brain.
LISTER: And you tried this on the Nova 5?
KRYTEN: Oh yes.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
LISTER: Did it work?
KRYTEN: No. But I'm pretty sure I know what went
wrong.
AUTO DESTRUCT: 4 minutes to self destruct and counting.
LISTER: So the captaings mind will be in my body?
KRYTEN: Yes. Then, hopefully, the self destruct will
think you're are the captain, and you can activate the
override.
LISTER: But where will my mind be?
KRYTEN: (holding up a very small cassette tape) On this.
AUTO DESTRUCT: 3 minutes, 50 seconds and counting.
RIMMER AND CAT ENTER THE ROOM.
RIMMER: We couldn't find the captaings disk, but what
about Brown? Brown was executive officer.
HOLLY: Yeah. Brown's got clearance.
LISTER: (seeing a large needle) Kryten, what's that for?
KRYTEN: It's a mental emetic.
LISTER: A what?
KRYTEN: A mind enema -- so we can flush out your
brain.
LISTER: Nobody's flushing out my brain.
KRYTEN: We'll transfer it back afterwards.
LISTER: You are not sticking that thing in my head.
AUTO DESTRUCT: One minute and 40 seconds and
counting.
RIMMER: We've got to. It's our only chance.
LISTER: Smeg off!
CAT: Look man, I'm not asking you to do this just for me.
I'm asking, pleading with you, I'm begging ya -- do it
for the sake of my suits. Are you just gonna stand
by and let my scarlet PVC morning suit with the
imitation king penguin fur collars get blown to
smithereens? Could you live with yourself?
AUTO DESTRUCT: I minute, 30 seconds and counting.
RIMMER: Look, Lister. I agree, it's a stupid idea. It almost
certainly won't work. But the very worst that can
happen -- the absolute bottom line -- is that you'll
have to spend the rest of your life as a mindless
gibbering vegetable. But if the rest of your life is going
to be thirty seconds, what the hell!
LISTER: Do it.
KRYTEN: Keep that safe -- it's Lister's mind.
KRYTEN BEGINS TO PLACE BROWN'S MIND INTO LISTER.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
AUTO DESTRUCT: 55 seconds to detonation
BROWN: What's happening? What the hell is going
on?
RIMMER: Sir. There is no time to explain, but, by a
bizarre series of accidents the ship auto destruct
system has got switched on and we need you to
deactivate it.
BROWN: Something's wrong. Something feels different.
Wait a minute, I never used to be a man!
RIMMER: Look, you stupid women, we'll explain later.
BROWN: Why have I got male sexual organs?
RIMMER: If we don't override the autodestruct system
within the next 20 seconds those male sexual organs
will be in orbit around the nearest planet. Along with
everyone else's organs sexual or otherwise.
AUTO DESTRUCT: 15 seconds to detonation.
BROWN: Abort sequence X1X.
AUTO DESTRUCT: Identify.
BROWN: Carol Brown, executive officer, security
clearance 010101.
AUTO DESTRUCT: Pause for verification. Verification
rejected. Abort denied. Auto destruct sequence
continued. Detonation in 5 seconds.
RIMMER: Sen-smegging-sational
CAT: Well done, sphinx face.
RIMMER: What a brilliant, brilliant plan.
CAT: Just great.
AUTO DESTRUCT: 1. Initiate self destruct.
THE DISPENSING MACHINE SHOOTS OUT A MILK SHAKE AND A
CRISPY BAR.
AUTO DESTRUCT: Thank you for using the auto-serve
dispensing machines. Number one in quality. Number
one in taste.
CAT: What happened?
KRYTEN: It must have been wired up to the warning
system but not the bomb.
RIMMER: So where's the bomb?
HOLLY: We haven't got a bomb. I got rid of it ages ago.
CAT: Why didn't you say?
HOLLY: You never asked.
CAT: Fine, terrific. (to Kryten) But remember this: you're
getting my underwear bill, buddy.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
SLEEPING QUARTERS.
RIMMER: You awake?
LISTER: Yeah -- can't sleep.
RIMMER: Probably those kippers you had for supper.
LISTER: Nothing wrong with kippers for supper.
RIMMER: But kippers vindaloo? Can't be good for you. I
mean, a curry every night? That cannot be good for
you. Certainly no good for me. I'm thinking of
getting a canary in a cage.
LISTER: Why?
RIMMER: To check out the room, see if it is safe to
use.
LISTER: C'mon, it's not that bad!
RIMMER: Not that bad? You don't sweat sweat, you
sweat madras sauce.
LISTER: Why all the sudden interest in my diet?
RIMMER: It's not just your diet, Lister. It's your health in
general. Face facts: you eat crap, you don't
exercise, you smoke, you drink, and frankly, it's
beginning to show. You're getting porky. Last week
when there was that lights failure in the engine room,
your silhouette was cast onto the wall. I got the
fright of my life. I thought it was Alfred Hitchcock.
LISTER: Are you saying I've got a gut?
RIMMER: You have got more gut that a Turkish butcher’s
shop window.
LISTER: Hang on, no really. Do you think I've put on
weight?
RIMMER: You've reached that age, Listy. When you're
younger you can eat what you like, drink what you like
and still climb into your 26 inch waist trousers and zip
them closed. Then you reach that age -- 24, 25 -- your
muscles give up, they wave a little white flag and then
without any warning at all, you're suddenly a fat
bastard.
LISTER: I'm not fat -- I'm porky!
RIMMER: Have you ever in dissection class held up a
frog by its head? You know the way its belly sort of
sticks out above its spindly little legs? Well, that's the
picture I see when you get down from the bunk in the
morning.
LISTER: Yeah, maybe you're right. Yeah, I'm gonna start
working out in the gym.
RIMMER: Of course, you could always ... no you'd never
agree to it.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
LISTER: What?
RIMMER: We could do a swap: my mind in your body,
yours in mine. You saw how easy it was with Brown.
Lend me your body for a few weeks and I'll get it fit
for you. Plenty of exercise, sensible diet, no more
booze, no more ciggies. It'll be like a 12 thousand mile
service for your body.
LISTER: What, and in the meantime I'm a hologram?
RIMMER: It won't be too bad if it's only for a couple of
weeks.
LISTER: You're talking as if it were a pare of hedge
trimmers or a lawn mower or something.
RIMMER: I'd give it back, I'd return it intact. More than
intact, it'd be fitter.
LISTER: Look, Rimmer, you are not having possession
of my body.
RIMMER: What are you worried about? How can I
treat it any worse than you do? You admit you don't
look after it, don't exercise it, don't feed it properly.
I would. What do you say?
LISTER: No welching.
RIMMER: Of course not.
LISTER: A fortnight.
RIMMER: 14 days.
LISTER: Two weeks.
RIMMER: Absolutely doodley.
LATER, IN SHOWER ROOM.
RIMMER: What's this under his nails? Oh my god! I'm
going to have this dirt carbon-dated.
SLEEPING QUARTERS.
KRYTEN: Luncheon, sir.
RIMMER: Food. Real food. To eat, perchance to taste.
KRYTEN: It's exactly as you ordered, sir: the lightly
poached mimmion bladder fish, the 4 dozen oysters,
the ducks feet in abalone sauce...
RIMMER: I can touch; I can taste; I can smell!
KRYTEN: Roast suckling pig stuffed with chestnuts and
truffles. Mashed potato.
RIMMER: With cream and butter?
KRYTEN: A pint of cream and a full pound of butter, sir.
RIMMER: Let the orgy begin.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
SLEEPING QUARTERS.
RIMMER: I think I went temporarily insane. It was just
too much. I haven't tasted food in 3 million and 2
years. All that food. I was like an animal.
LISTER: I want my body back. Now!
RIMMER: Oh look, it won't happen again. It was just
something I had to get out of my system.
LISTER: MY system. Why are you smoking?
RIMMER: One cigar!
LISTER: You are supposed to be getting me fit.
RIMMER: I'll start tomorrow.
LISTER: You better bleeding do.
CORRIDOR. DAY.
CAT: Hey! What are you doing dressed like that? Why do
you want to look like Goalpost Head? Have you
flipped? You want to model yourself on a man who
has ears so large that they can pick up satellite TV?
What do you want to look like the smeg-head Rimmer
for?!
RIMMER: Because... I am that smeg head Rimmer.
LARGE SPA BATH. RIMMER IS READING A MUSCLE MAGAZINE.
RIMMER: Please. These are meant to be women? Ahhh.
This is what I call training.
SLEEPING QUARTERS. CAT HAS HIS BACK TO US AND HIS HAIR
IS UNTIED. THEY ARE PLAYING SCRABBLE.
LISTER: That letter, that letter, and that letter. There.
CAT: Hey! I've got you now! Jozxyqk.
LISTER: That's not a word.
CAT: It's a cat word.
Lister attempts to pronounces the cat "word."
CAT: That's not how you pronounce it!
LISTER: What does it mean?
CAT: It's the sound you get when you get your sexual
organs trapped in something
LISTER: Is it in the dictionary?
CAT: Well, it could be. If you were reading in the nude
and you closed the book too quickly.
RIMMER: What a session! What a work-out! No pain,
no gain, Listy.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
LISTER: On the scales! I want to weigh you.
RIMMER: There's no need. Look at that stomach. Flat
as a pancake. Hasn't been like that in years!
LISTER: On the scales. You've put on two stone!
RIMMER: Of course I've put on two stone. I've been
taking yeast extract, building up your body.
LISTER: Take the robe off.
RIMMER: What for? I don't want you looking at my
naked body.
LISTER: It's not YOUR naked body, it's mine!
CAT: What's he hiding?
LISTER: Off with the robe.
RIMMER: Let me just say this--oh this. This is a hernia
prevention belt. I must have forgotten to take it off.
LISTER: It's a girdle.
RIMMER: Of course it isn't.
LISTER: Then why has it got little dangly things for
holding up stockings?
RIMMER: They are for attaching extra weights to you
so you can get fit just as you walk around.
LISTER: I want my body back now.
RIMMER: Look, OK. I went a bit bananas the first
few days, but I promise you that's all over now.
Don't you see? It's in my interest to get you into
shape. This could become a regular thing: fourteen
days a year I could have your body. In fact, next year,
if it's convenient, I would like to book the last two
weeks of July.
LISTER: I want it back.
RIMMER: One last chance?
LISTER: No more troffing.
RIMMER: I promise.
LISTER: And take that girdle off. It doesn't suit me.
SLEEPING QUARTERS. NIGHT. LISTER JUMPS OFF BED AND
FINDS RIMMER SITTING UP IN BED WITH A BLANKET OVER HIS
HEAD.
LISTER: Right, that's it! I'm completely sick of it.
RIMMER: What is it?
LISTER: You've been porking again, haven't ya?
RIMMER: I have not!
LISTER: I want my body back, now.
RIMMER: But I've only had it a week!
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
LISTER: This was not the deal. You've welched on it.
And what's this in the bin? My locks! My locks are in
the bin. I thought you said you pinned 'em up?
RIMMER: I did but they ... fell off.
LISTER: Fell off? Science lab, now!
RIMMER: But it's the middle of the night. Kryten is on
down time.
LISTER: Now!
SLEEPING QUARTERS. LATER. THE GUYS ENTER THEIR ROOM
AS THEMSELVES AGAIN.
LISTER: How many cigars did you get through, Rimmer?
My lungs feel as if they have been through a cheese
grater.
RIMMER: You've got your body back. Leave me alone.
LISTER: I only have a couple of rolly's a day. It feels as if
you've smoked an entire Cuban tobacco harvest.
RIMMER: I had the odd one.
LISTER: You've no respect, that's what. You've shown
my body no respect whatsoever. You've treated it
like smeg. Look, you've given me breasts. There's a
distinct cleavage there. I give you my body and you've
given me a bosom.
LISTER WALKS OVER TO THE SCALES.
LISTER: These scales are wrong. These scales have to be
wrong.
RIMMER: It's average for your height.
LISTER: Rimmer, it would be average for my height if I
happened to be a pregnant hippo.
RIMMER: Well you weren't exactly Charles Atlas to
start with, were you?
LISTER: And you haven't been treating my athlete's
foot, have you?
RIMMER: Well, quite frankly I was afraid of touching
it.
LISTER: I told you, you have to wash and powder my feet
three times a day. Plus a good buffing with a pumice
stone.
RIMMER: I wasn't prepared to touch those things three
time a day. To tell you the truth I was only brave
enough to take your socks off once.
LISTER: Look at my stomach. Look at it! Pink gudgeon
stripes down my sides and you could float me over
the super bowl.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
RIMMER: Look, I refuse to take the rap for that body.
All right, I added a few pounds to its already ample
frame but it was, let's face it, a wreck before I got
anywhere near it. If it was a car you would be an
insurance write-off. Nothing works. Your taste
buds are totally clapped out, you've killed them
stone dead with 25 years of non-stop curries. And
what about all the aches and pains you never
mention, twinges in your back, crimps in your neck?
Oh, and I'll give you a little tip: urine should only be
green if you're Mister Spock.
LISTER: That's the last time you borrow it, that's for
goddam sure.
RIMMER: What about next year? We had an agreement --
the last two weeks in July and the weekend before
Christmas.
LISTER: What for, Rimmer? It's a wreck.
RIMMER: Unfortunately it's the best that's available. If you
can't get two weeks in the Carribean then Grimsby
is better than nothing. You can't back out now, you
said I could have it.
LISTER: I only said that to get it back. Do you think I am
raving mad? You are never, ever, ever borrowing my
body again. Never.
RIMMER: Get some sleep. You'll feel different in the
morning.
CORRIDOR. KRYTEN IS PUSHING A TROLLEY WITH AN
UNCONSIOUS LISTER ON IT.
KRYTEN: I am really not sure about this.
RIMMER: Look, you're programmed to obey -- get on
with it.
KRYTEN: But surely we should ask him first?
RIMMER: I told you, he's agreed. He's perfectly happy
about the situation.
KRYTEN: Well then, why did you make me chloroform
him and why did he struggle so?
RIMMER: Look, I'm in charge, Kryten. I'll take full
responsibility. Science lab, pronto! If he comes
around give him another whack.
SLEEPING QUARTERS. MORNING.
LISTER: Are you awake, man? Rimmer? No please. No!
Play message.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
RIMMER: Hi! It's me. I told you you'd feel different in
the morning. Thing is, this week has been absolute
heaven for me and I couldn't just stand by and let
you take your body back. That's why I've taken Starbug
and done a runner. Don't worry, in a month or
so I'll come back and return it. Just a month, maybe six
weeks but don't try and follow me, otherwise... the
body gets it.
LISTER: Cat. Cat!
SOME OTHER PART OF THE SHIP.
CAT: You want my WHAT?
LISTER: It'll only take a couple of hours.
CAT: You want to take MY body?
LISTER: I need your body to get MY body back.
CAT: You've already lost one body. Come on, in all
seriousness, you really expect me to lend you
mine?
LISTER: I'm a hologram. How else am I supposed to
chase him? I need your body.
CAT: Let me ask you one question. Would you let a
garbage truck driver use your Rolls Royce?
LISTER: How else can I pilot White Midget?
CAT: I'll do it!
STARBUG COCKPIT. RIMMER OPENS A TRUNK LOAD FILLED
WITH DONUTS. LISTER APPEARS ON THE MONITOR.
LISTER: Rimmer! It's no use running, man, we've got
you in visual range. Turn around and head back to the
ship.
RIMMER: I told you not to follow me. Leave me alone
or you-know-what happens.
CAT: He's bluffing.
LISTER: I think he means it man. He's flipped -- it
must be cream cake poisoning.
CAT: He's bluffing. I'm going in after him.
KRYTEN: He must be bluffing.
LISTER: Say he isn't, man?
CAT: It's gastronomic terrorism! We can't stand by and
let it happen.
RIMMER: Go ahead punks. Make my day.
LISTER: You're right. He's bluffing.
RIMMER: Smeg!
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
CAT: Let's get him.
LISTER: This is getting stupid. Back off -- let him go.
CAT: We're almost on him.
LISTER: It's too dangerous. Let him go.
RIMMER: Ha! Ha! Ha! Chickens. Ha ...
STARBUG HITS A ROCKY OUTCROP AND THE SLAMS INTO THE
GROUND ON THE OTHER SIDE.
LISTER: Oh smeg! What the smegging smeg's he smegging
done? He's smegging killed me!
STARBUG REAR SECTION. LISTER, CAT AND KRYTEN ENTER.
RIMMER: Whoops!
LISTER: Are you all right?
RIMMER: You're going to go spare. You're going to go
absolutely spare.
LISTER: You've lost my arm.
RIMMER: I've lost your watch too.
LISTER: You Bastard!
SLEEPING QUARTERS.
LISTER: Oh, Hello. It's captain chloroform.
KRYTEN: Oh please. My guilt chips is already in
overdrive. I feel terrible!
LISTER: You feel terrible? How about my smegging
head?
KRYTEN: I had to obey him. It's in my programming to
obey all humans. No matter how insane. Dinner is
served, sir.
LISTER: Lettuce and a grated carrot. I'm on this for six
months.
RIMMER'S BODY ENTERS THE ROOM LOOKING VERY STIFF.
LISTER: What's wrong with you? You look like you've
seen a ghost.
CAT: I was asleep, OK? Next thing I know plastic
Percy here puts a sponge on my face and out go the
lights.
KRYTEN: It was an order.
RIMMER: Just one night, I promise. I'll give it back first
thing tomorrow. Maybe Thursday.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
Timeslides
A ROOM IN RED DWARF. A TABLE GOLF SET.
CAT: Yay! Four up, with six to play! This guy is hot,
hot, HOT! Okay, hole 13.
LISTER: What am I doing? What am I doing here?
CAT: You're not following through is what you're
doing! Keep your head down and follow through!
LISTER: Why am I playing this?
CAT: Because it's Sunday! Time to relax, time to chill!
Lighten up!
LISTER: I can't lighten up! I hate my life! We seem to
spend every day devising more and more ingenious
ways of wasting time. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of table
golf, I'm sick of tiddlywinks show jumping! I'm sick of
stretching a pair of tights across the room and playing
durex volleyball!
CAT: If you like, we'll kick the golf on the head, okay?
How about a game of Junior Angler? All the thrills
and spills of fresh water fly fishing from the comfort
of your own living room!
LISTER: No!
CAT: Got it! Unicycle Polo! We could have a quick
chucker on floor 14!
LISTER: It's smegging stupid! Two grown men on
unicycles, belting a beach ball up and down the
corridor, with french loaves! It's pathetic. It's idiotic.
It's puerile!
CAT: Well, you invented it!
LISTER: I want a life! This, it's worse than prison! I mean,
at least in prison you can look forward to getting
out. I want to live. I want a job. I want to meet people.
I want to meet girls. I want to make love!
CAT: Well, Junior Angler is the best you're gonna get out
of me, baby!
LISTER: Just get out of my face.
CAT: Okay, but don't come running to me next time
you want someone to play soapsud slalom down the
cargo ramp. You can carry your own damn flags!
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
SLEEPING QUARTERS.
RIMMER: Lovely service, Lister! You should have come
-- most uplifting! What's wrong with you? Ah, it's
November! Nearly time for your bath!
LISTER: Please just spare me the good mood? I just can't
handle it right now. OK?
RIMMER: What happened to you?
LISTER: I'm sick of it, that's what. I'm just totally, totally
sick of it.
RIMMER: Sick of what?
LISTER: I'm sick of you and your silly green suits, I'm sick
of your stupid flared nostrils. I'm sick of the way you
always smile when you're being insulted. I'm sick of
the Cat. I'm sick of Holly. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of
me. And as for Kryten ... I'm sick of him. I'm sick of this
ship, sick of this life. I'm just sick of it.
RIMMER: You're unhappy, aren't you?
LISTER: Joining the Space Corps -- that's when it all
went wrong. If I didn't join up things could really
have worked out for me.
RIMMER: That's a tension sheet, isn't it? I went to school
with the guy who invented tension sheets. Things
certainly worked out for him all right. A millionaire at
twenty-six! Fred Holden -- he was in our dorm. God,
he was thick. Thickie Holden, we used to call him:
"Hello, Thickie! How's your acne, Thickie?" He always
used to come bottom in geography. He thought a
glacier was a bloke who fixed windows.
LISTER: He can't have been that dense? I mean, he
invented the tension sheet?
RIMMER: It's just the stuff they used to use in packing
paper. All he did was to paint it red and cut it into
small squares. And you know who he married --
Sabrina Mulholland-Jones.
LISTER: The model?
RIMMER: How can that be? The most desirable
woman in the western hemisphere and Thickie Holden,
a spotty little gimp who used to blow off the bedcovers
every time we had cauliflower cheese!
LISTER: He had a break. He got lucky.
RIMMER: I suppose so. Did you go to school with
anyone famous?
LISTER: Charles Keenan. He was pretty famous.
RIMMER: What did he do?
LISTER: Ate his wife.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
KRYTEN: Sorry to interrupt, sirs, but I think you
should come down to the photo-lab. Something quite
strange is happening.
PHOTO LAB. LISTER, CAT, RIMMER, AND KRYTEN ARE
EXAMINING STRANGELY ANIMATED PHOTOS.
LISTER: These are just ordinary photographs. What did
you do to them?
KRYTEN: I just developed the film as usual, and for
some reason they came to life.
HOLLY: It's the developing fluid. It must have mutated.
KRYTEN: At first I thought it was just my roll of film, but
it seems to work on any negative. There's some
others here I've developed as slides.
LISTER: Go for it.
RIMMER: That's Frank! That's my brother's wedding!
LISTER: Yo, I'm in the photograph!
FRANK: Excuse me, could you stand aside, please?
We're trying to take a photograph.
LISTER: I'm actually IN the photograph!
FRANK: Excuse me, you're blocking the shot.
LISTER: I'm actually here! I'm at a smegging wedding!
FRANK: Listen, son, are you trying to make trouble?
LISTER: Wow, man! I'm back on Earth! I'm in a
photograph!
FRANK: Look, will you just clear off?!
LISTER: Look! He can touch me! He can touch me! Oof!
He can actually punch me! This is brilliant! Punch me
again! Fantastic! Oof! Alright, alright, I'm going! I can't
walk out of the edge of the photograph! In-smeggingcredible!
RIMMER: Try another one.
KRYTEN PUTS ON ANOTHER SLIDE. IT SHOWS TWO PEOPLE IN
SKI WEAR POSING FOR A PHOTO ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN.
CAT: What's this?
KRYTEN: It's one of Lister's.
LISTER: I don't recognise this.
RIMMER: Who are they?
LISTER: I don't know. Oh yeah, I remember. I sent away
some snaps of my eighteenth birthday and got
someone's skiing holiday back instead.
LISTER & RIMMER ENTER THE SLIDE.
RIMMER: It's amazing. We're really here!
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
LISTER: I know. Check this!
KRYTEN: It even works in black and white. I tried it
with a really old one, too.
RIMMER: That's Nuremberg! That's Adolf Hitler. He was
leader of the runners-up in World War II.
KRYTEN: I cut the photograph out of one of your
magazines.
RIMMER: Which magazine was that?
KRYTEN: Fascist Dictator Monthly. He was Mr. October.
LISTER IS STANDING BESIDE THE LITTLE FASCIST AS HE MAKES
HIS SPEECH.
LISTER: Ignore him! He's a complete and total
nutter! And he's only got one testicle!
RIMMER: What's he doing now? He's scuffling with
Adolf Hitler! You can't just stick one on the leader
of the Third Reich!
LISTER: I nicked his briefcase! Banana and crisps? His
diary!
KRYTEN: Allow me. I'll switch to "translation mode."
"Things to remember: Stop milk, pay papers, invade
Czechoslovakia."
LISTER HAS PULLED OUT A BOX WRAPPED IN BROWN PAPER
AND TIED WITH STRING.
LISTER: A present here. "To Adolf, Love & hugs, Staff
Colonel Von Stauffenberg."
RIMMER: That rings a bell... Von Stauffenberg, he's
famous for something... Wait a minute, he's the
officer who tried to assassinate Hitler by putting a
bomb in his briefcase!" How could I forget that?
KRYTEN, CAT, RIMMER, AND HOLLY DIVE FOR COVER.
HEADLINE: "HITLER ESCAPES BOMBING AT
NUREMBERG"
LISTER: Yes! I don't believe this. We've got ourselves
a smegging time machine!
RIMMER: So we can go anywhere we want, absolutely
anywhere?
KRYTEN: Providing we have a photograph of it.
RIMMER: So if one of us had, say, a photograph of a
female-only naturist beach in Acapulco full of
bronzed, naked, uninhibited teenage temptresses, we
could go there for a holiday?
KRYTEN: I suppose.
RIMMER: Kryten, get my photo album.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
LISTER: Hang on. The thing is, we can't move outside
the confines of the photograph. What we see is all
we get.
CAT: Meaning?
LISTER: Meaning we can't get a picture of Earth and go
back there, we wouldn't be able to move outside
the frame of the photograph.
RIMMER: Believe me, this beach shot in Acapulco, you
wouldn't want to move outside the photograph!
CAT: So it's useless, then?
RIMMER: No, not entirely useless. Think of the famous
people we could meet, the famous places we could
go.
KRYTEN: We could go back to Dallas, in November
1963, stand on the grassy knoll and shout "Duck!" Oh,
I'm sorry, I must have bypassed my "Good Taste"
chip!
RIMMER: The possibilities are enormous! They're
mind-numbing! We could go back in time and avert
major disasters!
LISTER: What, you mean like persuade Dustin Hoffman
not to make Ishtar?
HOLLY: What about determinism, then? What about
causality? You can't just mess about with history!
LISTER: We'll just do something small.
HOLLY: There's no such thing as "small" when you're
talking about changing time!
LISTER: I'm only talking about changing things so that I
don't get marooned in space.
RIMMER: Such as?
LISTER: If I can go back and fix things so that I don't
join the Space Corps, don't sign up with Red Dwarf,
I can create an alternate existence, a NORMAL
existence, back on Earth. I won't be stuck with your
ugly mush for the next 3 million years.
PHOTO LAB. KRYTEN PUTS ON THE SLIDE. IT SHOWS A TWO-
BIT INDIE ROCK BAND PLAYING IN AN ENGLISH PUB.
CAT: What is this? Who is that jerk?
LISTER: It's me. Aged 17. That's my first band, Smeg and
The Heads.
CAT: What are you wearing?
LISTER: It was all the rage. It's what everyone was
wearing. It was called "Sham Glam."
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
CAT: Look at that collar! You could go hang-gliding!
LISTER: We used to think we were so cool. Come on!
One of the first songs I ever wrote. It was called "Om".
RIMMER: Nothing like a good old-fashioned love
song, eh?
LISTER: And to think I genuinely thought we were
gonna be massive. God, I was stupid.
RIMMER: Who are the other two?
LISTER: The whacked-out, crazy, hippy drummer's
called Dobbin. He joined the police force in the
end. Became a grand wizard in the Freemasons. The
bass is called Gazza. He was a neo-marxist, nihilistic,
anarchist. Eventually joined a large insurance company
and got his own parking space.
YOUNG LISTER: Yeah! Rock and Roll! Thank you, thank
you very much! And for those of you who are
interested, there are official "Smeg and The Heads"
T-shirts, and some signed polaroids of the band
currently on sale in the back of Dobbings car. It's the
orange Ford in the car park, the one with bald tires
and no windscreen. Well, we'll be back in 20 minutes
to play you our second set so from me, Smeg, and
from Dobbin and Gazza, The Heads, I'll see you later.
LISTER: I'll catch you guys later.
KRYTEN: What is this place?
RIMMER: It's a pub.
KRYTEN: A "pub?" Ah yes, a meeting place where people
attempt to achieve advanced states of mental
incompetence by the repeated consumption of
fermented vegetable drinks.
LISTER: Guys, guys. I'd like you to meet me, aged 17.
YOUNG LISTER: Shay-dee! This is totally shady! It's beyond
shady -- it's surreal! These your mates, then?
LISTER: Yeah. This is Cat, Kryten, and... Rimmer.
YOUNG LISTER: Brilliant tattoo, man! What's it stand for?
Heavy Metal?
RIMMER: Yes, indeed.
YOUNG LISTER: (spotting Kryten) Hey, what happened to
him? His face -- it's grotesque, isn't it? Has he had an
accident? He looks like he spent three weeks with his
head jammed in a lift! It's totally shady!
LISTER: Look, sit down and shut up!
YOUNG LISTER: So how did you get here, what d'you
want?
LISTER: I've come to try and change your future.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
YOUNG LISTER: Change it? Aren't you happy being a rock
star? Is the constant demand of them groupies
getting you down?
LISTER: You don't make it as a rock star.
YOUNG LISTER: That's impossible! It cannot be!
LISTER: How can I say this without giving offense? You
don't make it 'cos... you're crap.
YOUNG LISTER: Oh, and how would you know, grandad?
You're too old to receive what we're trying to
transmit!
LISTER: I'm you, you dork!
YOUNG LISTER: Too old and too crypto-fascist.
LISTER: Look, will you shut up and listen? I'm trying to
make you rich. All you've got to do is to go down
to the patent office and register this as your invention.
It's called a "tension sheet."
RIMMER: Uh-uh, that's immoral. That's Thickie Holden's
invention. This is just that stuff they use as packing
paper, painted red with "tension sheet" painted on
it. It's a piece of crypto-fascist bourgeois crap!
LISTER: It'll make you a multi-multi-multi-millionaire.
YOUNG LISTER: But I'm not into dosh. I hate money, I
loathe possessions -- It's just so... crypto-fascist.
LISTER: Will you stop saying everything's crypto-fascist?
You make me sound like I was a complete git!
YOUNG LISTER: I'm not breaking up the band. Music is
my life.
RIMMER: He's right. You can't make him give up his
music! You heard the Om Song -- it's a masterpiece!
YOUNG LISTER: You see?
LISTER: Back off! I'm trying to give you a break.
CAT: Oh, give up! The guy's an idiot!
LISTER: He's me!
CAT: Exactly!
YOUNG LISTER: I don't want a break. It's my future, I'll
take my own chances, thanks.
LISTER: If you take your own chances, you'll wind up
stuck on a spaceship with 'im, 'im, and 'im. For the rest
of eternity. You won't HAVE a future. You think about
it. C'mon.
RIMMER: You haven't got a copy of the Om Song I can
take back with me, have you?
YOUNG LISTER: Yeah, they're all in the car.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
RIMMER: Oh, what a pity. I just can't get it out of my
head. It's just so catchy! "Om!" Keep writing those
hits, kid.
YOUNG LISTER: What a nice guy!
PHOTO LAB.
KRYTEN: What now?
HOLLY: Well, it'll take a few seconds for the timelines
to sort themselves out, and then we'll see if it's
worked.
LISTER: It's happening! I'm disappearing!
RIMMER: What happened?
HOLLY: Well, Lister altered the timelines and lived an
entirely different life. Consequently he didn't join Red
Dwarf. Consequently the Cat Race never existed and
we never rescued Kryten, so they disappeared too.
RIMMER: So it's just you and me?
HOLLY: For the rest of eternity.
RIMMER: No thanks. Find him, and bring him back.
LATER.
RIMMER: Anything?
HOLLY: Got 'im.
RIMMER: And?
HOLLY: Tension sheet, Inventor: Dave Lister, aged 17.
Died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98. His own
fault, apparently. He was making love to his
fourteenth wife and he lost control of the plane.
RIMMER: Have you got any photographs?
HOLLY: Not of that, no!
RIMMER: No, I mean so that I can go in and bring him
back.
HOLLY: Well, there is one picture reference, but you're
not going to like it.
RIMMER: Put it on.
A TITLE APPEARS ON THE MONITOR -- LIFESTYLES OF THE
DISGUSTINGLY RICH AND FAMOUS
BLAIZE: Hello, and welcome to Lifestyles of the
Disgustingly Rich and Famous. Tonight we'll be
looking at the world's youngest billionaire, Mr Dave
"Tension Sheet" Lister. Behind me, Mr Lister's English
mansion. He had the whole building transported
brick by brick from half a mile down the road, just
to get away from the neighbors. Now that's the
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
kind of cash that opens anybody's legs! The gravel in
his drive came from Buckingham Palace. Dave bought
Buck Palace and had it ground down just to line his
drive. This man has a wad so thick you could use it
to beat whales to death. He calls his home "Xanadu",
not in reference to the movie "Citizen Kane", but in
tribute to the hit single by Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky,
Mick & Tich. But Dave has musical aspirations of his
own. Only last year his first single, "Om", shot to
number one when he personally purchased three
million copies. You'll never be short of an ashtray in
his house. Like many people who appear to have
everything, Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy.
Well actually it hasn't, but we can only hope. Now
onto Dr Bob Porkmann, father of the condom that
calls you back.
RIMMER: Freeze. I've seen enough.
HOLLY: What you gonna do?
RIMMER: I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him. It's my
duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!
LISTER'S MANSION.
BUTLER: Mr Lister, sir. What an utter ... delight, it is to
welcome you home.
LISTER: Gilbert, my man. You're looking bad, baby!
In the courtyard is a 50 foot high statue of Lister, in
"toilet position", holding its penis, positioned so that it
can pee into the courtyard fountain.
GILBERT: I am most awfully sorry about the statue,
sir. The contractors still haven't devised a way of
making it urinate champagne into the courtyard,
although I am assured that it will be fully functional
for the royal visit this week.
LISTER: Oh, get outta town! This is gonna slay 'em!
GILBERT: Indeed, sir. I am only just recovering from
the hilarity of the gag myself.
MANSION'S DINING ROOM.
SABRINA: Well, I told daddy today. About us, I mean.
LISTER: And how did the old codger take it?
SABRINA: Not terribly well, actually. He perched
himself on top of his clay pigeon launching machine
and shouted, "Pull!"
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
GILBERT: For madam, Lobster a la Breche. For sir, a
sausage and onion gravy sandwich on white bread, with
a glass of sterilised milk.
LISTER: Excellent. I used to live on these when I was
in the band.
GILBERT: As requested, sir, it was helicoptered in this
morning from Luigi's Fish 'n' Chip Emporium. An artist
beyond comparison, sir. Excuse me, sir, but a
gentleman appears to have appeared in the
corner of the room.
RIMMER: Listy, it's me! It's me, Rimmer! Rimmsy; Arnie
Rimmer! Arnie; Old Iron Balls! Rimmer!
GILBERT: Apparently, the gentleman's name is Rimmer,
sir.
LISTER: Have we met?
RIMMER: Have we met? We're like brothers. We were
shipmates. Red Dwarf. You don't remember, do you?
Of course you don't remember, it hasn't happened, has
it?
SABRINA: What hasn't happened?
RIMMER: Sabrina Mulholland-JJones? THE Sabrina
Mulholland-JJones? Model, best-selling novelist and
international jet-setter?
LISTER: Yeah. She's my bird.
RIMMER: "She's my bird?" You talk about the Duke of
Lincoln's eldest daughter as "My bird?!"
LISTER: Gilbert, will you escort Mr. Rummer to the
door?
RIMMER: But, I came here to save you!
LISTER: Throw him out, Gilbert. He's a nutter.
GILBERT: If you would care to step this way, sir?
RIMMER: But we were friends! We were buddies!
GILBERT: Let's not have a scene, sir.
RIMMER: You call this happiness? Surrounded by
toadying lackeys and paid sycophants? Living with a
love-goddess sex-bomb model megastar? You call this
contentment? You know, I stand here now and I look
at the two of us, and I ask one simple question: Who
is the rich man? You, with your fifty-eight houses, your
private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound
business empire; or me, with... with... with what I've
got. It's you, isn't it? Yes it's all very clear to me now.
You -- richer and happier.
GILBERT: This way, sir.
RIMMER: I should have thought a bit harder about
that speech, really. I cocked it up a bit, didn't I?
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
PHOTO LAB.
HOLLY: Any luck?
RIMMER: Useless. Didn't listen. Didn't even recognise
me. Just thought I was some neurotic deranged
crazy madman.
HOLLY: You sure he didn't recognise you?!
RIMMER: Wait a minute! If Lister can do it, why can't I?
These photographs -- there's one here somewhere of
me at boarding school, aged eight. I can invent the
tension sheet before him. I can get there first!
HOLLY: But then you'll disappear and become
incredibly wealthy, and Lister will be sent hurtling
back through time.
RIMMER: Yes, and the Cat and Kryten will be brought
back into existence. True, as a by-product I will
become mega-rich and be forced to have constant
sex with that JJones woman, but that's a sacrifice
I'm prepared to make.
LATER. DORMITORY.
RIMMER: Pssst. Wake up!
YOUNG RIMMER: What is it? Who are you?
RIMMER: Look, don't be afraid. I'm going to make you
rich.
In the bed behind him, Thickie Holden stirs. At the word
"rich" he sits up and pays attention.
RIMMER: All you've got to do is listen very, very
carefully. Right, this is the plan. You're going to invent
a thing called "The Tension Sheet."
HOLDEN: Pension Sheet?
RIMMER: T! T! T! Tension, TENsion sheet! They're little
sheets of paper with lots of air bubbles in them.
HOLDEN: Like you get in packing paper?
RIMMER: Look, do you mind, Holden? This is a private
conversation. Go back to sleep! They're exactly the
same as the ones you get in packing paper, but you
paint them red.
HOLDEN: Why red?
RIMMER: Because it helps people relax! Will you shut up,
I'm trying to make the kid rich! You'd write better if
you took off your boxing gloves. Now, have you got
all that?
YOUNG RIMMER: I think so.
RIMMER: First thing tomorrow, take the idea down to
the patent office.
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ed dwarf season three part one small black beetles: the overkill
YOUNG RIMMER: I can't. Not first thing in the morning.
I've got extra rugby practice because I'm so wet.
RIMMER: Damn! All right, then -- lunchtime. Take it at
lunchtime, okay? I've got to go now. Don't mess this
up!
YOUNG RIMMER: No, sir.
PHOTO LAB.
RIMMER: Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes! If I were a rich man,
dubba dubba dubba dubba dubba dum...
HOLLY: Worked then, did it?
RIMMER: Holly, though it pains me dearly, I'll be having
to say, "Ta-ta." Ta-Ta, to your stupid gormless face. Tata,
to poverty. Ta-ta, failure. Hello, Sabrina. Hello,
sexual ecstasy.
HOLLY: It hasn't worked. According to our data bank,
you didn't invent the tension sheet. It was invented
by a gentleman named "Thickie Holden." All you've
gone and done is put things back exactly as they
were.
RIMMER: Why does nothing ever go right for me? Every
time I get so much as a snifter of a break, a glimpse
of a shadow of happiness, something inexplicably
cruel and horrible happens and it all blows up in my
face.
HOLLY: Hang on a mo', something is different. Don't
ask me why, but somehow you're no longer a
hologram. You're alive!
RIMMER: What? I'm alive! I'm alive! Kryten, unpack
Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit! I'm alive! I
can touch, I can feel, I can fondle -- I'm alive! Don't
you think it's incredible?
RIMMER BRINGS HIS FISTS DOWN HARD ON TWO CRATES
THAT JUST HAPPEN TO BE LABELLED, "EXPLOSIVES."
CAT: What was he saying?
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