red dwarf - two - 1.pdf

Kryten 

red dwarf 

season two part 1 

Better Than Life 

Thanks for the Memory

ed dwarf season two part one small black beetles: the overkill 

VIEW OF SPACE. 

Kryten 

HOLLY: Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red 

Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive; 

Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a 

creature who evolved from the ship's cat. Message ends. 

Additional: As the days go by, we face the increasing 

inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, 

hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to 

laugh, haven't you? 

NOVA-5. KRYTEN, AN ANDROID, WATCHES A VIDEO MONITOR ON 

WHICH TWO SILVER ANDROIDS, KELLY AND BROOK SPEAK. 

KELLY: Sit down, Brook. There's something I must tell you. 

BROOK: What is it, Kelly? 

KELLY: I wasn't with Simone that evening, Brook. I spent the 

night with Gary. 

BROOK: Your ex-husband Gary, my business rival? What 

are you telling me, Kelly? 

KELLY: I'm saying... Brook, Jr. 

BROOK: What about Brook, Jr.? 

KELLY: He isn't your android. 

SLEEPING QUARTERS. RIMMER WATCHES A RECORDING OF A 

WOMAN RECITING AN ESPERANTO INSTRUCTIONAL TAPE. 

WOMAN: "Mi esporas ke kiam vi venos la vetero estos 

milda." 

RIMMER: Wait a minute, I know this one, don't tell me, 

don't tell me, don't tell me! 

LISTER: I hope when you come the weather will be clement. 

WOMAN: "I hope when you come the weather will be 

clement." 

RIMMER: Lister, don't tell me. I could've got that. 

WOMAN: "Bonvolu direkti min al kvinsela hotela?" 

RIMMER: Ah... I remember this from last time... 

LISTER: Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel? 

RIMMER: Wrong, actually. Totally, utterly, and completely 

wrong. 

WOMAN: "Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel?" 

RIMMER: Lister, will you please shut up? 

LISTER: I'm only helping ya! 

RIMMER: Well I don't need any help. 

page 2


WOMAN: "La mango estis bonega! Dlej korajin gratulonjn' al 

la kuristo." 

RIMMER: I would like to purchase that orange inflatable 

beach ball and that small bucket and spade. 

WOMAN: "The meal was splendid! My heartiest 

congratulations to the chef." 

LISTER: Rimmer, you've been doing Esperanto for eight 

years. How come you're so utterly useless? 

RIMMER: Oh, speaks! And how many books have you 

read in your entire life? The same number as champion the 

wonder horse: zero! 

LISTER: I've read books. 

RIMMER: Lister, we're not talking about books where the 

main character is a dog called "Ben." 

LISTER: I went to Art College! 

RIMMER: You? How did you get into Art College? 

LISTER: The normal way you get into Art College. The 

same old, usual, normal, boring way you get in. Failed my 

exams and applied. They snatched me up. 

RIMMER: But you didn't get a degree, did you? 

LISTER: No, I dropped out. I wasn't in long. 

RIMMER: How long? 

LISTER: 97 minutes. I thought it was going to be a good 

skive and all that, you know? But I took one look at the 

time table and just checked out, man. I mean, it was 

ridiculous. They had lectures at, like, first thing in the 

afternoon. We're talking half-past twelve everyday. Who's 

together by then? You can still taste the toothpaste. 

RIMMER: Well, unlike you, Lister, I have ambitions. I'm 

not prepared to sit around all day polishing my space-bike 

so I can go joyriding through some asteroid belt. 'Cause I'm 

not a gimp! And one of my ambitions is to learn another 

language so kindly let me get on with it. 

WOMAN: "La menuo aspektas bowege -- mi provos la 

kokidajon." 

RIMMER: Ah, now this is one I do know. 

AT DINNER 

HOLLY: The menu looks interesting -- I think I'll try the 

chicken. 

RIMMER: Holly, as the Esperantinos would say, "Bonvolu 

alsendi la pordiston? Lausajne estas rano en mia bideo!" And I 

think we all know what that means. 

HOLLY: Yeah, it means, "Could you send for the hall porter? 

There appears to be a frog in my bidet." 

RIMMER: Is it? Well what's that one about, "Your father 

was a baboon's rump and your mother spent most of her life 

up against walls with sailors?" 

page 3


HOLLY: I'm not telling you. 

RIMMER: It's because you're bored, isn't it? That's why 

you're both annoying me. 

HOLLY: I'm not bored. I've had a really busy morning. I've 

devised a system to totally revolutionize music. 

LISTER: Get out of town! 

HOLLY: Yeah, I've decimalized it. Instead of the octave, it's 

the decatave. And I've invented two new notes: H and J. 

LISTER: Hang on a minute, you can't just invent new 

notes. 

HOLLY: Well I have. Now it goes: Do Re Mi Fa So La Wo 

Bo Ti Do. Do Ti Bo Wo La So Fa Mi Re Do. 

RIMMER: What are you drivelling about? 

HOLLY: Holrock. It'll be a whole new sound. All the 

instruments will be extra big to incorporate my two new 

notes. Triangles will have four sides. Piano keyboards the 

length of zebra crossings. Of course, women will have to 

be banned from playing the cello. 

LISTER: Holly, shut up. 

HOLLY: Oh, I forgot, I haven't told you the news. 

RIMMER: What news? 

HOLLY: A signal. We're getting a signal. It's probably nothing 

but I just thought I'd mention it. 

RIMMER: Aliens! 

LISTER: Oh god, aliens? Your explanation for anything 

slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys -- it's 

aliens. A picture falls off the wall -- it's aliens. That time 

we used up a whole bog roll in a day -- you thought that was 

aliens as well. 

RIMMER: Well we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did? 

LISTER: Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll? 

RIMMER: Just 'cause they're aliens doesn't mean they 

don't have to visit the little boys' room. Only they probably 

do something weird and alienesque, like it comes out of the 

top of their heads or something. 

LISTER: Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a 

cinema. 

DRIVE ROOM. 

HOLLY: It's a distress call from a ship called the Nova-5. 

They've crash-landed. I'm trying to establish contact. 

LISTER: Another ship! Brilliant! 

RIMMER: So it's not aliens, then? 

HOLLY: No, they're from Earth. I hope they'd got some 

spare odds and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few 

supplies. 

LISTER: Like what? 

page 4


HOLLY: Cow's milk. Ran out of that years ago. Fresh and 

dehydrated. 

LISTER: What kind of milk are we using now? (sips his milk) 

HOLLY: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's 

milk. 

LISTER: Dog's milk?! 

HOLLY: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, 

full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any 

other type of milk, dog's milk. 

LISTER: Why? 

HOLLY: No bugger'll drink it. Plus the advantage of dog's 

milk is when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's 

fresh. 

LISTER: Why didn't you tell me, Holly?! 

HOLLY: What, and spoil your tea? Hang about, we've 

got contact. 

KRYTEN: (on the monitor) Thank goodness! My name is 

Kryten. I'm the service mechanoid aboard the Nova-5. We've 

had a terrible accident. The male officers died on impact. The 

female officers are injured but stable. Please help us. 

CAT: Is that female as in "soft and squidgy?" 

RIMMER: How many? 

KRYTEN: Three. Miss Jane, Miss Tracy, and Miss Anne. I am 

transmitting medical details. 

RIMMER: Tell them we're coming aboard. By god, we'll 

rescue these fair blooms or my name's not, "Captain A.J. 

Rimmer, Space Adventurer." 

KRYTEN: Thank you, Captain. 

LISTER: "Space Adventurer?" 

RIMMER: What was I supposed to say? "Fear not, I'm the 

bloke who used to clean the gunk out the chicken soup 

machine! Actually, we know sod all about space travel but if 

you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads!?" That'll fill them 

with confidence, won't it? 

LISTER: How far are we away, Hol? 

HOLLY: About 24 hours. 

CAT: What?! Only 24 hours?! I better start getting ready. 

First in the shower room! Hey, I'm so excited all six of my 

nipples are tingling! 

LISTER: What's the matter with him? We're on a mission 

of mercy. We're taking them urgently needed medical 

supplies. We're not on the pull! 

RIMMER: No, we're not "on the pull," are we, Lister? Look 

at you. You're absolutely pathetic. You're really trying, aren't 

you? You're wearing all your least smeggy things. 

LISTER: I don't know what you're talking about. 

RIMMER: That T-shirt with only two curry stains on the 

front of it. You only wear that on special occasions. You're 

toffed up to the nines, laddy! 

page 5


LISTER: And what about you? You look like Clive of India! 

Or the one whose mum does use new biological biz! 

RIMMER: Oh! It's started. I knew it would. 

LISTER: What has? 

RIMMER: The put-downs. It's always the same when we 

meet girls. Put me down and make yourself look good. 

LISTER: Like when? 

RIMMER: Remember those two little brunettes from 

supplies? And I told them I worked in stores and they were 

really interested and asked me exactly what I did there. 

LISTER: And I said you were a shelf. 

RIMMER: Exactly! And I suggested a little trip to Titan Zoo 

and you said, "Eww! He's taking ya home to meet his mum 

already!" 

LISTER: So? They laughed! 

RIMMER: Yes, at me! At my expense! Just don't put me 

down when we meet them. 

LISTER: Okay, what do you want me to say? How do 

you want me to act? 

RIMMER: I don't know. Just act with respect. For a start, 

don't call me "Rimmer." 

LISTER: Why not? 

RIMMER: Because you always put the emphasis on "Rim" 

in "Rimmer." Makes me sound like a lavatory disinfectant. 

LISTER: Well what do you want me to call you? "Rim-MER?" 

RIMMER: I don't know. "Arnie," "Arn," something with a 

little more... I don't know. How about "Big Man?" Or what 

about the nickname I had at school? 

LISTER: What? "Bonehead?" 

RIMMER: How did you know my nickname was 

"Bonehead?" 

LISTER: I was only guessing. 

RIMMER: I didn't mean that. I meant the other one. 

LISTER: What other one? 

RIMMER: "Ace!" 

LISTER: Get out of town! Your nickname was never "Ace!" 

Maybe "Ace-hole." 

RIMMER: It WAS my nickname at school, actually. It's 

just no one ever called me it despite the many times I let 

them beat me up. 

LISTER: What are you trying to say to me, Rimmer? 

RIMMER: I'm trying to say build me up, don't put me 

down. 

LISTER: Like? 

RIMMER: Like, if the opportunity occurs and it crops up 

naturally in conversation, you could perhaps mention that I'm 

very brave. 

LISTER: Do what? 

page 6


RIMMER: Don't go ape. Just sort of mention, perhaps, that 

I died and I was pretty, incredibly brave about it. Well, I 

mean, you know, you could mention hints that I've had tons 

of girlfriends. All right, forget it, it was just an idea. Oh, you're 

not wearing those boots, are you? 

LISTER: What's wrong with them? 

RIMMER: Oh, they just don't go, not with that lot. You 

should wear your Day-Glo orange moon boots. 

LISTER: You said they were disgusting. 

RIMMER: Ew, no, very chic. 

LISTER: You said they smelled like an orangutan's posing 

pouch and set off one of those dangerous chemical alarms. 

You made me put them in the air-lock. 

RIMMER: No, no. That was a mistake. They really look 

terrific on you. I'd wear them. 

LISTER: Honest? 

RIMMER: Definitely. 

NOVA-5. 

KRYTEN: Come along, everybody! They're here! They're 

in orbit! Miss Jane! 

He walks up to three skeletons sitting at a table. 

KRYTEN: What a mess you look! Smart but casual. Miss 

Anne! Why, you haven't touched your soup! No wonder 

you're beginning to look so pasty. Oh, do eat nicely, Miss 

Anne! What on earth will the visitors think if they see you 

eating like that? Hmm? Ah, Miss Tracy. You look absolutely 

perfect. 

STARBUG COCKPIT. 

LISTER: What's that smell? 

RIMMER: I can't smell anything. 

LISTER: Are you okay? Your eyes are watering. 

RIMMER: It's the excitement. Look, we can't wait for the 

cat. Let's just go. 

LISTER: Oh, come on, he's been preparing for it a day 

and a night. Don't you want to see the result? 

CAT: Hi, monkeys! Meet a plastic surgeon's nightmare! 

RIMMER: A spacesuit with cufflinks. 

LISTER: Where'd ya get the helmet? 

CAT: I made it myself. I didn't want to muss up my hair. Hey, 

listen, we just gotta make sure we don't pass any mirrors, 

'cause if we do, I'm there for the day. Ewww! What's that 

smell? 

HOLLY: All right, everybody ready? Let's go, then. 

page 7


LISTER: What are you doing, Hol? Why are you wearing a 

toupee? 

HOLLY: What toupee? 

LISTER: The one on your head. 

HOLLY: Whose head's that, then? 

LISTER: Your head. It makes you look like a game show 

host. 

RIMMER: What's wrong with everyone? Three million years 

without a woman and you all act as if you're fourteen years 

old. Come on, we can't hang about. 

HOLLY: He ordered two pairs of socks. 

LISTER: What for? 

HOLLY: One pair to put on his feet and the other pair to 

roll up and put down his trousers. 

NOVA-5 ENTRYWAY. 

KRYTEN: Come in, come in. How lovely to meet you! 

RIMMER: What a delightful craft you have. Reminds me 

of my first command. 

KRYTEN: This way, please. I'm so excited. We all are! The 

girls could scarcely stop themselves from jumping up 

and down. 

RIMMER: Ah ha ha. Carmita, carmita! 

KRYTEN: Ah! Vi parolas Espekanton, Kapitano Rimmer? 

RIMMER: Uh, come again? 

KRYTEN: You speak Esperanto, Captain Rimmer? 

RIMMER: Oh, si, si, si, jawohl, oiu! 

NOVA-5 LARGE ROOM. 

KRYTEN: Well, here they are. 

LISTER: Well... it's a bit difficult to know what to say. Isn't it, 

Ace? 

KRYTEN: Well, isn't anybody going to say, "Hello?" 

LISTER: I think the blonde one's giving you the eye. 

KRYTEN: Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted. I'll just go 

and fix some tea. 

RIMMER: I don't believe this. Our first contact with 

intelligent life in three million and two years and it's the 

android version of Norman Bates. 

CAT: Come on, guys. So they're a little on the skinny side. 

LISTER: Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time 

or place to say this but my mate, Ace, here is incredibly, 

incredibly brave! 

RIMMER: Smeg off, dog food face! 

LISTER: And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends! 

page 8


RIMMER: I'm warning you, Lister! 

KRYTEN: Well, is anything the matter? 

RIMMER: Anything the matter? They're dead. 

KRYTEN: Who's dead? 

RIMMER: They are dead. They're all dead. 

KRYTEN: My god! Well, I was only away two minutes! 

RIMMER: They've been dead for centuries! 

KRYTEN: No! Are you a doctor? 

RIMMER: You've only got to look at them. They've got 

less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget! 

KRYTEN: Well, what am I going to do? I'm programmed 

to serve them. 

LISTER: I think the first thing we should do is bury them. 

KRYTEN: You're that sure they're dead? What about this 

one? 

RIMMER: There's a simple test. All right, girls, hands up, 

those of you who are alive. 

KRYTEN: Well, what am I going to do? I can't leave them! 

Mister David, please! Take me back! 

LISTER: Kryten, you've got to start a new life now. 

KRYTEN: I haven't got the software to cope with this. I 

was created to serve. I serve, therefore I am. That is my 

purpose -- to serve and have no regard for myself. 

LISTER: You're beginning to sound like my mum. 

KRYTEN: It's all I know. 

LISTER: You've got to change, haven't ya? You gotta work 

out what you want. Stop being everyone's smeggin' 

doormat. 

KRYTEN: That's easy for you to say, Mister David. 

You're a human. 

RIMMER: Only just. Ah, Kryten. Nothing to do, eh? Follow 

me. 

RED DWARF CORRIDOR. 

LISTER: What the smeggin' hell is going on? 

KRYTEN: Good afternoon, Mister David, sir. 

LISTER: What are these? 

KRYTEN: Your boxer shorts, Mister David, sir. 

LISTER: No way are these my boxer shorts. These bend! 

What have you done to the place? 

KRYTEN: I've done a spot of tidying up. 

LISTER: But where is everything? Where's my coffee cup 

with the mould in it? 

KRYTEN: I threw it away, sir. 

LISTER: But I was breeding that mould. His name was 

"Albert." I was trying to get him two foot high. 

page 9


KRYTEN: Why, sir? 

LISTER: Because it drives Rimmer nuts and driving 

Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going. 

KRYTEN: I'm sorry, Mister David, sir. 

LISTER: Look at ya. What are you doing? Why are you doing 

all this? 

KRYTEN: Well, serving makes me happy, sir. 

LISTER: But what about you? Don't you ever want to do 

anything just for yourself? 

KRYTEN: Myself? Well, that's a bit of a barmy notion, if 

you don't mind my saying so, sir. 

LISTER: Come on, there must be something you look 

forward to. 

KRYTEN: "Androids." "Androids... everybody needs good 

androids..." 

LISTER: That stupid soap opera? Why? 

KRYTEN: Well, because, for half an hour a week, I can 

forget I'm me. 

LISTER: "Androids?" What else? 

KRYTEN: Oh, being asleep. 

LISTER: "Androids" and being asleep? Sounds like a crazy, 

fun-packed life you lead there, Kryten, my old son. 

KRYTEN: I have strange thoughts when I'm asleep. 

LISTER: Yeah, they're called dreams. 

KRYTEN: My favorite one is that I'm in a garden. I've 

never even seen a garden except in books. And I've planted 

everything and made it grow. It's my garden. And there's 

no one there except me, just me and all the things I've 

made live. Silly. 

LISTER: No, it isn't! Find a planet with an atmosphere and 

do it. 

KRYTEN: I can't. I'm programmed to serve. 

LISTER: There's no one to serve, Kryten. That's the 

point. 

KRYTEN: What about Mister Arnold? I've got to complete 

Mister Arnold's tasks. 

LISTER: You what?! Rimmer gave you all this? 

KRYTEN: Well, Mister Arnold is my master now. 

LISTER: "Mister Arnold" isn't his name. His name's 

"Rimmer." Or "Smeghead." Or "Dinosaur Breath" or 

"Molecule Mind." And on a really special occasion when 

you want to be really mega-polite to him, Kryten, we're 

talking MEGA-polite, in those exceptional circumstances, you 

can call him "Arse-hole." 

SLEEPING QUARTERS. KRYTEN IS PAINTING A PICTURE OF RIMMER. 

page 10


RIMMER: I think it will be best on THAT wall, sort of 

dominating the room. 

LISTER: You're a total Gwendolyn, do you know that, 

Kryten? 

RIMMER: Leave it alone, Lister. It enjoys doing the task I 

give. It makes it happy. 

LISTER: Drop dead, Rimmer. 

RIMMER: Already have done. 

LISTER: Encore! 

CAT: You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a 

cat return a stick? Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get 

it, yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you 

throw it away in the first place? 

LISTER: Kryten, you never got a thing from those movies 

I showed you, did ya? 

RIMMER: What movies? 

KRYTEN: Mister David was kind enough to take me to 

see "The Wild Ones," "Easy Rider," and "Rebel Without a 

Cause." 

LISTER: I thought it might do him some good. Fat 

chance! In the middle of Marlon Brando's rebel speech, he 

gets out a brush-a-matic and starts doing my lapels! 

RIMMER: Well, now, maybe you'll learn, Lister. There's a 

natural order to things in life. Some give orders, others 

obey. That's the way it's always been, that's the way it's 

always going to be. Isn't that true, Kryten? 

KRYTEN: Oh, yes, Mister Arnold, sir. 

LISTER: "Yes, Mister Arnold..." What's the point? 

KRYTEN: I've finished, Mister Arnold, sir. 

RIMMER: Excellent, Kryten! 

The painting turns out to show Rimmer sitting on a toilet with his 

pants down and holding a bog roll. 

KRYTEN: I think it's rather good. Don't you, Mister 

Arnold, sir? 

RIMMER: What are you doing? 

KRYTEN: I think I'm rebelling. 

RIMMER: Rebelling?! 

KRYTEN: Yes, I think that's what I'm doing. 

RIMMER: You are rebelling? What are you rebelling 

against? 

KRYTEN: Whaddya got? Dinosaur Breath! Molecule Mind! 

Smeg-for-brains! 

page 11


VIEW OF SPACE. 

Better Than Life 


Dwarf. Loneliness weighs heavily on us all. Personally the 

only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we are 

over sixty billion miles away from the nearest Berni Inn. 

RED DWARF. LISTER IS HOLDING A BOTTLE OF LIQUID. 

LISTER: "For a mild stomach upset take one teaspoonful. 

For acute indigestion take two." 

RIMMER: Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round. 

Obviously you can't expect perfection first time but I was 

quite delighted with the way my dumplings went down. 

LISTER: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when 

they're properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings, 

should not bounce. 

RIMMER: True, but compared to what I thought they 

were going to be like they were quite superb. 

LISTER: So how's the Cat? 

RIMMER: He's just sleeping off the stomach pump. He'll be 

alright. The lamb was a bit of a flop though. 

LISTER: The lamb? Everybody thought the lamb was the 

cheese and that lemon meringue pie, man, what was in that? 

RIMMER: I thought you liked that, you brought some back. 

LISTER: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot. 

RIMMER: It's not easy, Lister, cooking. When you're dead, 

when you don't exist, when you're made entirely of light. 

LISTER: That's your excuse for everything isn't it -- being 

dead? 

RIMMER: I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself, trying to do 

the everyday, normal things that most living people take for 

granted. 

LISTER: You've got the skutters to help you. 

RIMMER: What? Pinky and smeggy Perky? What use are 

they? It's like giving Blind Pew contact lenses. 

LISTER: They only do what you tell them to. 

RIMMER: But they don't, do they? You say, "Keep an 

eye on that lamb," and they do. They sit there for three 

hours and watch it burn. 

LISTER: So. They've got no emotion, have they? It's not built 

into their software. 

RIMMER: Have you seen their broom cupboard? It's full of 

pin-ups of John Wayne. That cannot be right, can it? Piled 

page 12


this high with Film Fun magazines. It's not the way spanners 

behave in my book. 

HOLLY: Oi. What's happening dudes? Guess what? 

RIMMER: What? 

HOLLY: Go on, have a guess. 

RIMMER: What is it vaguely about? 

HOLLY: No clues, just have a guess. I knew you wouldn't 

get it. Post pod's arrived. 

RIMMER: What, the mail? 

HOLLY: It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now 

that we've turned round it's caught up. 

LISTER: Do you mean it's taken 3 million years. 

HOLLY: Yeah, that's about average for second class post. 

MAIL ROOM. 

RIMMER: There's everything here, all the mail, 

entertainment cassettes, a new batch of movies. 

LISTER: Oh! The new Friday the 13th movie -- Friday the 

13th part one thousand six hundred and forty nine. 

RIMMER: Look, Casablanca! They've re-made Casablanca! 

LISTER: Philistines. I mean, how can you re-make 

Casablanca? The one starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter 

Beardsley was definitive. 

HOLLY: I saw that one -- knockout! "Of all the space bars 

on all the worlds you had to re-materialise in mine." 

RIMMER: Look, a cassette of a whole year of Earth news 

here. 

LISTER: And two seasons of zero gee football. I'll see you in 

the spring. 

RIMMER: What are total immersion video games? 

LISTER: Where? Oh these are brilliant. You can't get 

hold of these for love nor money! These are like Venus's 

arms. These are like Brooke Shield's buttocks. 

RIMMER: What are they? 

LISTER: Well they're computer games, aren't they? But 

electrodes are inserted into your frontal lobes and 

hypothalamus right? So you actually feel as though you're 

really, really there. Yes! 

RIMMER: Fine. Holly there's something here for you. It's a 

video letter. 

HOLLY: Bung it on... Strike a light, it's Gordon. 

RIMMER: Who's Gordon? 

HOLLY: He's the eleventh generation AI computer aboard 

the Scott Fitzgerald. He's got an IQ of eight thousand. 

GORDON: Alright, Hol? It's Gordon. 

HOLLY: Awesome, his intellect, I'll tell you. 

page 13


GORDON: I'm just sending on the latest move in our chess 

game. My move is Pawn, right -- that's the little knobbly ones 

down the front -- Pawn to King four. Your move. Well, I'd 

better sign off now. See you, Hol. Bye. How do you turn 

this off then? 

LISTER: You were playing postal chess with him, were you? 

HOLLY: Well. A chance to lock horns with an intellect of 

that calibre I'd be a fool not to. Pawn to King four eh? He's 

a sly one. 

LISTER: So who's winning Hol? 

HOLLY: Well, he is really. That was the first move. 

LISTER IS SORTING OUT THE NEWLY DELIVERED MAIL. 

LISTER: Me. Me. Me. You. Me. 

RIMMER: It's all junk mail yours, you know. You send off 

for every bit of rubbish going, you do. Just so you'll have 

some mail to open. (Silly voice) Please rush me my portable 

walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even 

the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes I am over eighteen, 

though my IQ isn't. 

LISTER: Me. Me. Smeg! "Outland Revenue." Eight thousand 

five hundred? 

RIMMER: Eight thousand five hundred? That's a lot of tax 

isn't it, Lister? How are you going to pay for that, eh? 

LISTER: I'm not. It's yours. 

RIMMER: What? No. This is wrong. It's wrong. This is well 

wrong, Lister. 

LISTER: Relax. It doesn't matter now. They're not going to 

catch you now are they? 

RIMMER: What do you mean? Just because we're three 

million years into deep space and the human species is extinct. 

That means nothing to these people. They'll find us. God, 

I'll be worrying about this all the time now. 

LISTER: Me. Not another one for you. Rear Admiral 

Lieutenant General Rimmer. 

RIMMER: That's from my mother. 

LISTER: Rear Admiral? 

RIMMER: Every time I take an exam I tell her I passed. It's 

getting embarrassing now. I should be Commander in 

Chief of the whole universe. 

LISTER: Do you want me to open it? "Dear Rimmer." Is 

this from your mum? 

RIMMER: That's mumsie! 

LISTER: This handwriting's terrible. "I hope this epistle 

finds you adequately healthy to discharge your duties." You 

know maybe I shouldn't be reading this deeply personal 

stuff. 

RIMMER: Just get on with it. 

page 14


LISTER: "I write to--" I can't read that. Oh, "I write to 

inform." "I write to inform you that your father is dad." Well 

of course he is. I can't make it out. 

RIMMER: It's dead. My father is dead. 

LISTER: What? Oh yeah it's an E. That's what it is. Your 

father's dead, Rimmer. Oh, eh -- I'm sorry. 

RIMMER: Is that all she says? 

LISTER: Just that, "He passed away peacefully in his Jeep." 

"...sleep." 

OBSERVATION DOME. 

LISTER: Can't sleep? No, me neither. I remember when my 

dad died you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off 

everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a 

couple more people would die so I could complete my 

Lego set. My grandma tried to explain, you know. She said 

he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So, I wanted to 

know where, like, you know. She said he was very happy and 

he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought 

they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just 

round the U bend, you know. I used to stuff food down, 

you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They 

took me to a child psychologist in the end because they 

found me with my head down the bowl reading him the 

football results. 

RIMMER: I knew he was dead. I mean they're all dead, 

aren't they? Just getting that letter makes it seem like it 

happened yesterday. 

LISTER: You never said much about him. You must have 

been pretty close. Was it very close? 

RIMMER: I hated him. I detested his fat stupid guts, the 

pop-eyed, balding git. He always wanted to join the Space 

Corps -- be an officer. But they wouldn't take him because 

he was an inch below regulation height. One inch. I had three 

brothers. When we were young he bought a traction machine 

so that he could stretch us. By the time my brother Frank 

was eleven he was six foot five. Every morning he'd measure 

us and if we hadn't grown, back on the rack. 

LISTER: Sounds like he had a screw loose. 

RIMMER: I don't think he had one screw fully tightened, 

to be perfectly honest with you. He had this fixation that 

we all had to get into the Space Corps. At meal times 

he'd ask us questions on astronavigation. If we got them 

wrong -- no food. 

LISTER: God, Rimmer, how did you cope with that? 

RIMMER: I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition. 

LISTER: I had no idea. I thought you adored your parents. 

page 15


RIMMER: When I was fourteen I divorced them. I took 

them to court. I got paid maintenance until employment 

age and access every fourth weekend to the family dog. 

LISTER: So why are you so completely blown away about 

him dying then? 

RIMMER: Oh, it doesn't mean to say I don't respect 

him, didn't look up to him. It was only natural -- he was my 

father. 

LISTER: There's nothing natural about your family, 

Rimmer. 

RIMMER: It's just I always wanted just once, just once, for 

him to say to me, "well done." 

LISTER: For what? 

RIMMER: For something, for anything. I wanted him to be 

proud of me, just once. And now ... 

CAT: Wow! My stomach has been pumped and now I'm 

hungry. Hey, there you are! Hey man, I'm so hungry, I just 

have to eat. 

LISTER: Shhhhh. Not now, man. Rimmer's dad's died. 

CAT: I'd prefer chicken. 

SLEEPING QUARTERS. RIMMER IS WATCHING THE NEWS TAPE. 

NEWSREADER: Good evening. Here is the news on 

Friday, the 27th of Geldof. Archeologists near mount Sinai 

have discovered what is believed to be a missing page 

from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon-dated in 

Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible 

and is believed to read "To my darling Candy. All characters 

portrayed within this book are fictitous and any 

resemblance to persons living or dead is purely 

coincidental." The page has been universally 

condemned by church leaders. Europe. A terrorist 

representing the Revolutionary Working Front, a fanatical left 

wing group dedicated to eliminating the-- 

CAT: About your father. If it's any help, he's in the ground 

now. Sure it's bad news for him. But on the other hand it's 

party time for all the little worms... There's just no 

consoling him. 

LISTER: Rimmer, listen -- me and the Cat were going to 

play a T-I-V. We wondered if you wanted to come? Oh, 

come on! Holly says he can key you in. No? 

NEWSREADER: --middle class, was arrested today. The 

man, Henri le Clerque, was attempting to poison the 

mineral spring in France which is the source of all the 

world's Perrier water. Had he succeeded experts believe 

the middle class would have been wiped out within three 

weeks. Techno news. The new sensation sweeping the solar 

system is the total immersion video game, "Better Than Life." 

Using the new senso lock feedback technology, "Better Than 

Life" is able to detect all your desires and fantasies and then 

page 16


make them come true. So great is the appeal of "Better 

Than Life" when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stocks 

rubber nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the 

crowd. Sport. England's underwater hockey team's tour of 

Titan-- 

MAIL ROOM. 

LISTER: "Better Than Life," here it is! 

RIMMER: Brilliant! 

CAT: Let's play! Hee hee hee. 

LISTER: What sort of game is this? 

RIMMER: It's incredible. It's just like being here. 

Marilyn Monroe waves and walks past. 

RIMMER: That's whatshername, the actress from the 

20th century. Err, Mary Magdelene. 

LISTER: It's Marilyn Monroe you gimp. I think she fancies 

you. 

CAT: What does that prove? She's not blind. Hey baby I'm a 

little busy right now. I'll catch you later ok? 

Rimmer has seen a Napoleonic figure standing in the water and runs 

over to him. 

RIMMER: Excuse me. You're probably really busy but could 

I just say you are my all-time favourite fascist dictator and 

I've read all your war diaries and I thought your Italian 

campaign was simply brilliant. Err, could you just sign this for 

me. Make it out to my good pal Arnie from your dear chum 

Napolean Bonaparte. It's not for me, it's for my sister Alison. 

Errm, we call her Arnie. 

LISTER: Napolean Bonaparte's autograph! 

GUIDE: Gentlemen! Welcome to "Better Than Life." Well, 

you must be hungry and there's a restaurant just a couple of 

miles down the beach. 

LISTER: A couple of miles? How are we supposed to get 

there? 

GUIDE: Any way you want. After all, this is "Better Than 

Life." 

LISTER: Any way we want? 

A powerful Harley Davidson appears on the beach before them. 

RIMMER: I'm thinking too small. Think big! 

The Robin becomes a flashy Jaguar. 

RIMMER: That's more like it. 

BTL Jaguar. A woman appears in the seat next to Rimmer. 

RIMMER: McGruder! I bet you're wearing a peep-hole bra 

under that, eh? 

MCGRUDER: Yes, I am! 

RIMMER: We're only one thing away from perfection. 

page 17


Rimmer concentrates again and fluffy dice appear in the car. 

RIMMER: Bliss. 

BTL classy restaurant. 

CAT: Where's Rimmer? I thought he was right behind us. 

GUIDE: Your caviar vindaloo, sir. Half rice, half chips and lots 

more bread and butter to follow. 

LISTER: I never thought I'd see the day when I could eat 

something as classy as this, you know? 

GUIDE: This is "Better Than Life," sir. And yours was the 

fish, sir? As ordered, sir. Small fish. Are you sure you wouldn't 

like your fish cooked? 

CAT: No, sir! I like my food to move! 

BTL restaraunt entry. 

GUIDE: Mister Rimmer, sir. They're on table K on the second 

terrace. 

RIMMER: Excellent. I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. 

I was driving along and suddenly there was McGruder. Well 

one thing led to another and... Good God! This is a great 

game! Twice in one lifetime, I'm turning into Hugh 

Heffner! 

LISTER: Rimmer, you can touch things! 

RIMMER: I know. Why do you think I was so late? 

LISTER: Have you checked into your room yet? 

RIMMER: What room? 

LISTER: I mean, mine is absolutely brilliant. I've got this 

vibrating, leopard skin waterbed in the shape of a guitar. 

CAT: Yeah? Well you should take a look at my wardrobe. 

It's so big it crosses an international time zone. When it's 

three o'clock where my shirts are it's seven in the morning 

for my socks. 

LISTER: But what about my electonic lavvy? I mean this thing 

comes when you call it, takes your trousers down, does 

everything for you. It's just so stylish. 

CAPTAIN: Admiral! 

RIMMER: Who is that? Just because some hoity-toity, 

gonad brain gimp knows an Admiral, does he have to 

broadcast it? 

CAPTAIN: Admiral Rimmer, sir. Field Marshall Clifton sends 

his compliments and wonders if you would care to join him 

for port and cigars. 

RIMMER: I think there must be some mistake. I'm not 

an Admiral. 

Suddenly Rimmer is an Admiral. 

RIMMER: I love this game! Gentlemen, do excuse me. 

GUIDE: Dom Perignon '54, sir. In a pint mug, as requested. 

LISTER: Thank you, my man. That's a good year. 

page 18


BTL dining room. 

RIMMER: So, I said to Hollister ... well, I can't actually 

remember exactly what I said to him. But it was one of the 

most enormously cruel and frighteningly witty putdowns 

ever. 

CADET: Sir, I know it's a most awful bore but would you 

mind just signing this? 

RIMMER: What's that, you little pipsqueak? "My Incredible 

Career, by Admiral A. J. Rimmer." 

CADET: I've read it eighteen times, sir. 

RIMMER: There you go, laddo. 

CADET: Oh thank you, sir. Gosh, I'll be the envy of the 

academy. 

RIMMER: Father. What are you doing here? 

RIMMER’S DAD: I'm sorry to barge in on you and your 

officer chummies, but I just wanted to tell you -- you're a 

total smeghead! 

RIMMER: What? This isn't my fantasy! 

CAT: No, it's mine. 

BTL golf course. 

HOLLY: Alright! What's happening, dudes? 

CAT: We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn 

Monroe and I also have another girlfriend who's a mermaid. 

She's half woman, half fish. 

HOLLY: Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top 

and a fish on the bottom. 

CAT: No! That's a stupid way round. 

BTL COUNTRY ROAD. A HEAVILY LOADED SMALL CAR DRIVES INTO 

VIEW DOWN A COUNTRY LANE. WE HEAR KIDS SCREAMING AND 

SEE RIMMER AT THE WHEEL. THE CAR STOPS, IT SEEMS TO BE IN 

TROUBLE. RIMMER AND A WOMAN GET OUT. THEY START 

ARGUING. WE SEE THERE ARE SEVERAL KIDS RUNNING AROUND 

AND THE WOMAN IS PREGNANT AGAIN. 

LISTER: Rimmer! What happened to you? 

RIMMER: Lister. Ah this a great game Lister. I couldn't be 

happier. 

CAT: Who are all those guys? 

RIMMER: It's McGruder. She got pregnant so this 

morning she made me marry her and this afternoon we had 

seven kids. Bliss. 

LISTER: Where's your E type? 

RIMMER: It was too impractical. With all the kids and 

everything. 

MCGRUDER: Arnold! Where are the nappy sacks? 

LISTER: Rimmer you fantasised that you had seven kids and 

a mortgage? 

page 19


RIMMER: Help! My brain's rebelled. It just won't accept 

nice things happening to me. It just keeps fantasising 

horribleness. 

TAXMAN: Mister Rimmer? Mister Arnold Judas Rimmer? 

Outland Revenue, sir! This is a demand for immediate 

payment. 

RIMMER: Eighteen thousand? 

TAXMAN: If you are unable to pay, sir, I am instructed 

by the Revenue to break both your legs and pull off your 

thumbs, sir. 

RIMMER: What am I going to do? I'm broke. 

LISTER: I'll pay. Where's all my money gone? 

RIMMER: Oh no! I just fantasised it all away. This is 

getting worse. Help me. 

CAT: Don't move! A huge, black, furry spider with big teeth 

just crawled up your trouser leg. 

RIMMER: I know. I just put it there. It's the thing I'm afraid 

of most in the whole world -- a tarantula crawling up my 

trousers. 

LISTER: Rimmer, this is getting out of hand. 

RIMMER: Do you think I don't know that. Ah! He's past my 

knee. He's into my boxers. 

LISTER: Close your eyes and wish it away. 

RIMMER: I can't! 

BTL BEACH. THE CREW IS BURIED IN SAND UP TO THEIR NECKS. 

CAT: What's he done now? 

RIMMER: I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. 

LISTER: What's going on? 

RIMMER: Our faces have been smeared with jam and 

we're about to be eaten alive by killer ants. 

CAT: Why? 

RIMMER: Why not? 

HOLLY: Oh dear. You can't take him anywhere can you? 

LISTER: You've ruined this, Rimmer. 

RIMMER: We're going to die. We're going to die and it's all 

my fault. 

RED DWARF MAIL ROOM. 

LISTER: You're a total dinglebat, aren't you? 

CAT: Yeah! We were having a great time until you came 

along with your diseased brain. 

LISTER: You're a bozo! 

RIMMER: I can't help it, nice things just don't happen to 

me. 

page 20


CAT: Hey, what's that? 

LISTER: It's a letter and it's for Rimmer. "Dear Sir, due to a 

computer error you were wrongly informed that you had 

failed the astronavigation exam. In fact you passed with 

honours and you are hereby promoted to navigation 

officer first class. We enclose your pips and insignia." Smegging 

hell! Who said you were a loser, eh? Who said nice things 

never happen to you? 

TAXMAN: I did! 

LISTER: Oh no, we're still in the game! 

TAXMAN: You certainly are. Now, what about my 

eighteen grand? Come on, it's bone crunching time, my old 

china. Now, where's those little thumbies? 

page 21


Thanks for the Memory 


Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive; 

Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a 

creature who evolved from the ship's cat. Message ends. 

Additional: supplies are plentiful. We have enough food and 

drink to last 30,000 years, although we have run out of 

Shake n' Vac. Additional additional: Last week we found a 

planet with a breathable atmosphere. 

THERE APPEARS TO BE A ROCK CONCERT IN PROGRESS. 

HOLLY: We're grooving tonight! 

LISTER: Hang on everybody, hang on! The sausages are 

done. 

HOLLY: It's nice to get out once in a while, stretch your 

cables. 

RIMMER: I can't understand it. I've had so much to 

drink and it hasn't even afflicted me. I'm not in the least 

bit tiddly. 

LISTER: Oh yeah? Why are you dancing then? 

CAT: Ha! You call that dancing? I've seen people on fire 

move better than that! 

HOLLY: We'd better be going. The moons'll be setting in 

a bit. 

LISTER: OK then! A toast. Gentlemen, and skutters, we 

are gathered here today to celebrate the anniversary of Mr 

Arnold Rimmer's death. 

RIMMER: Right on,baby. 

LISTER: And for this very special occasion I have baked -- a 

cake. 

HOLLY: What's that then? 

LISTER: It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly, 'cos he was a 

technician. 

HOLLY: Well that's very apt, that is. If he'd been a 

postman you'd have baked it in the shape of an envelope,I 

suppose? It's lucky he's not a gynaecologist. 

LISTER: To Rimmer! 

RIMMER: To me! 

ALL: Happy deathday to you! Happy deathday, dear Rimmer! 

Happy deathday to you! Show me the way to go home. I'm 

tired and I want to go to bed... 

RIMMER: Are you sure you're alright to drive this? 

LISTER: Yeah. Oops! 

ALL: I had a little drink about an hour ago to celebrate 

Rimmer's death. 

page 22


SLEEPING QUARTERS. 

LISTER: What time is it? 

RIMMER: Saturday. 

LISTER: Is that the best you can do? 

RIMMER: There are some numbers next to it, but they 

could be anything. 

LISTER: Do you know what I fancy right now? 

RIMMER: A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a 

hippo's? 

LISTER: No, I want a triple fried egg butty with chili sauce 

and chutney. 

RIMMER: Me too. 

LISTER: Well no problem then. Nothing's too good for the 

deathday boy. 

RIMMER: Correct! 

LISTER: Hol, give us something to eat. 

HOLLY: You what? I'm jiggered,man. 

LISTER: Oh come on. You don't sleep. 

HOLLY: Course I do. I've got to offline. I can't keep up my 

full tilt, full power, red hot, maximum pace all the time. 

I've got to take the odd breather, haven't I? 

RIMMER: I want a triple fried egg sandwich with ... 

LISTER: With chili sauce and chutney. 

HOLLY: You what? 

LISTER: It's a state of the art sarny. 

HOLLY: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about. 

Alright, OK. 

Rimmer holds up his hand and the discussed food item appears in it. 

Rimmer takes a bite and a joyful expression is seen on his face. 

RIMMER: I feel like I'm having a baby! 

LISTER: It's good, innit? 

RIMMER: It's incredible. Where did you get the recipe 

from? 

LISTER: I can't remember. I think it was a book on 

bacteriological warfare. 

RIMMER: It's like a cross between food and bowel 

surgery. 

LISTER: It's well naughty. The trouble is you've got to eat it 

before the bread dissolves. 

RIMMER: I could never invent a sandwich like this, Lister. 

You see, all the ingredients are wrong. The fried eggs: wrong; 

the chutney: wrong. The chili sauce: all wrong. But put them 

together and somehow it works. It becomes right. It's you -- 

this sandwich, Lister, is you. 

LISTER: What are you saying to me, Rimmer? 

RIMMER: You're wrong, right? All your ingredients are 

wrong. You're slobby, you've got no sense of discipline, 

page 23


you're the only man ever to get his money back from the 

Odour Eater people, but people like you, don't you see? 

That's why you're a fried egg, chili, chutney sandwich. Now me 

... all the ingredients are right. I'm disciplined, I'm organised, 

I'm dedicated to my career, I've always got a pen. Result? 

Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's 

parrot. And that's only because we haven't got one. Why is 

that? 

LISTER: I suppose it's because you ARE a total smeghead. 

RIMMER: But I'm not! I'm a nice guy -- I'm a goodie. 

LISTER: No, Rimmer, see, the trouble is you've never got 

time for people. You're too busy trying to be successful. It's 

all midnight revision and up, up, up the ziggurat lickety spit. 

RIMMER: I have got time for people. What about all the 

time I spent licking up to Todhunter even though he was a 

total gimp? And Captain Hollister? Mr fat bastard 2044. I 

went out of my way to simp around him. 

LISTER: Rimmer, that's not having time for people. 

RIMMER: Do you know how many times in my entire life I 

made love? 

LISTER: No, and I don't want to know. 

RIMMER: I want to tell you. I am going to tell you. 

LISTER: Listen, Rimmer. If you tell me, you'll wake up in the 

morning. You'll have your hangover and you'll feel like 

death and you'll walk up to the mirror and you'll look in the 

mirror and you'll remember and you'll go, "Ahahahahah!" See, 

it's not worth it, I don't want to know and believe me you 

don't want to tell me. 

RIMMER: Once. 

LISTER: Smeg! 

RIMMER: One time only. 

LISTER: Don't tell me this, Rimmer. You'll want to kill 

yourself in the morning. 

RIMMER: Yvonne McGruder. A single, brief liaison with the 

ship's female boxing champion. March the sixteenth, seven 

thirty one PM to seven forty three PM. Twelve minutes. And 

that includes the time it took to eat the pizza. In my entire 

life I have spent more time being sick. 

LISTER: So, I mean, you haven't met the right girl yet. 

RIMMER: No, I haven't, Lister. I haven't met the right girl 

and some just might say, given the fact that the human 

race no longer exists, coupled with the fact that I have 

passed on, some just might say that I'm leaving it a little bit 

on the late side. 

LISTER: Well you made a decision, didn't you? I mean you 

chose your career over your personal life. 

RIMMER: Yes, I did. I did, didn't I? Pearls of wisdom there 

from Mr fried egg, chili, chutney, sandwich face. Well, I'll tell 

you something, Lister. I'll tell you something. I'd trade it all 

in -- all of it. My pips, my long-service medals, my swimming 

page 24


certificates, my telescope, my shoe trees. I'd trade everything 

in to be loved and to have been loved. (starts singing in a 

pathetic kind of way) I'm a little lamb, lost in the wood, maybe I 

could, really be good, with someone to watch over me… 

That was going to be our song. But I never found anyone to 

share it with. So now it's just MY song. 

SLEEPING QUARTERS. THE NEXT MORNING. 

LISTER: Ah, my foot! I must have gone to sleep on it! 

RIMMER: Gah! you were really putting it away last night, 

Lister. You really fell for my joke, didn't you? Ah, that 

McGruder gag -- fancy falling for that, eh? … I'll give you my 

telescope, anything. Please god, don't tell anyone. 

Lister pulls away the blanket. He discovers that his foot is in plaster. 

LISTER: Have you done that? 

RIMMER: When did you do that? 

LISTER: I didn't! I just went to bed and I've woken up with 

this. 

RIMMER: When did you finish the jigsaw? 

LISTER: I didn't. 

HOLLY: Who's been messing with my star charts? Here 

I am trying to do the comprehensive, nay, definitive A-Z of 

the entire universe with street names, post offices, and little 

steeples and everything and some git's been fiddling with it. 

LISTER: It's not us! 

CAT: OK, which one of you chimpanzees did this? 

Cat puts a foot on the table and points at it. It is also in plaster. 

HOLLY: Look, there's a perfectly logical explanation for 

everything. With the possible exception of little Jimmy 

Osmond. 

RIMMER: Who? 

LISTER: Hang on, today's Sunday, right? 

RIMMER: So? 

LISTER: Well, this clock says, "Thursday," and that clock 

says, "Thursday." 

CAT: And my foot says, "Get the person who did this to my 

foot." 

LISTER: Four pages have been torn out of my diary. 

RIMMER: Somehow we've lost the last four days. 

CAT: Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something it's 

nearly always there. 

RIMMER: Aliens! 

CAT: What are you talking about, grease stain? 

RIMMER: It's a well documented phenomenon. They 

kidnap you, give you a mind probe, erase your memory, 

and put you back. 

page 25


LISTER: OK, aliens came aboard. 

RIMMER: Without question. 

LISTER: They broke my leg. 

RIMMER: For some reason. 

CAT: They broke MY leg. 

HOLLY: And then they did a jigsaw. Well, that's cleared 

that up then. 

RIMMER: Look, you're not thinking alien. That's what 

aliens are: alien. They do alien things. Things that are alien. 

Maybe this is the way they communicate. 

CAT: By breaking legs? 

LISTER: And doing jigsaws? 

RIMMER: Why should they speak the way we do? They're 

aliens. 

LISTER: OK, professor, what does it mean? 

RIMMER: Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hel." 

They do it below the knee, "lo." "Hel-lo," get it? They do it 

twice -- twice, "two." "Hello two." And the jigsaw must mean 

"you." "Hello to you." 

CAT: I wouldn't like to be around when one of these 

suckers is making a speech! 

LISTER: Hang on -- the black box. Holly, the black box will 

have recorded everything, won't it? 

HOLLY: Yeah, hang on -- I'll fish it out. It's gone! It's been 

half-inched. Wait a minute, let me think about this. It gives 

off a signal. We can trace it. 

BLUE MIDGET. 

LISTER: It's the gearbox, man. I'm telling you. 

RIMMER: Nothing yet. 

LISTER: This is impossible. It could be anywhere. It's like 

trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi. 

RIMMER: Look! Down there on that moon. 

LISTER: Are you getting a picture now? 

RIMMER: Yeah, but the quality's terrible. It's like watching 

Spanish television. 

CAT: What the hell is that? 

LISTER: Start the engines, warm her up. Keep her ticking 

over, yeah? 

RIMMER: What is it? 

LISTER: It's a footprint the size of a surfboard. 

CAT: I don't believe the size of these feet. Can you imagine 

the problems this guy must have trying to get fashionable 

shoes? 

LISTER: I wonder if it's true what they say about the size 

of your feet? I mean, if it is this guy could probably go to a 

fancy dress party as a petrol pump. 

page 26


RIMMER: I think you should come back. 

LISTER: There's more of them. They lead round this 

corner. 

RIMMER: So, a surfboard-foot sized monster came aboard, 

did a jigsaw, drained our memories and broke a couple of 

legs. So what? "Forgive and forget" is what I say. 

LISTER: This I don't believe! It's a gravestone. "To the 

memory of Lise Yates." 

RIMMER: Who's Lise Yates? 

LISTER: You're not going to believe this, but I used to go 

out with a girl called Lise Yates. It's only shallow, the black 

box is buried in the grave. 

They open the box and remove the recording. 

HOLLY: Right, it's loaded. 

LISTER: Well, play it. 

HOLLY: Nice looking bloke. 

TAPE: I don't know whether anyone will ever find this, but if 

they do and it's you Dave, or you Arnold, don't ever play it. 

Some things are best left buried. 

LISTER: Why have you frozen him, Hol? 

HOLLY: You heard what he said. Knows what he's talking 

about, that dude. 

LISTER: Come on, Hol, from Saturday night. 

Holly plays the recording and Rimmer appears telling Lister how many 

times in his life he's made love. 

RIMMER: Yes, well we all remember this bit. Spin on! 

CAT: (silently) How many? (Lister laughs and holds up one finger) 

CAT: That many? 

RED DWARF CORRIDOR. 

CAT: This better be good. I was sleeping, and sleeping's my 

third favourite thing! And you come and wake me up this 

time of night. What is this place? 

LISTER: It's the hologram simulation suite. This is the room 

that creates Rimmer. 

CAT: Have we come to blow this room up? 

LISTER: Look, those are his dreams and everything there. 

Look, that's what he's dreaming right at the moment. I'm 

going to give Rimmer the best present he will ever get. 

CAT: What are you doing with that? 

LISTER: I'm recording my memory. 

CAT: Your entire memory? 

LISTER: Yeah, everything. Everywhere I've been, everything 

I've learnt, my entire knowledge. (The words LOADING 

COMPLETE come up almost instantly.) Right, that's it. I'm going 

to give Rimmer a love affair. I'm going to take eight months 

page 27


out of my memory and I'm going to paste it into his. So 

everything that's happened to me he's going to think 

happened to him. 

CAT: You're going to give him one of your old girlfriends? 

LISTER: I'm going to give him Lise Yates. 

Lister presses more keys and they stare at the screen. A pretty 

woman is on screen running and laughing. She dives to the ground. 

YATES: God, I love you Dave, I love you so much. 

LISTER: A few minor adjustments. 

YATES: God, I love you Rimmer, I love you so much. 

LISTER: And that's it. 

CAT: And when he wakes up he'll think all this happened to 

him? 

LISTER: Yeah, the whole eight months. 

CAT: Man, that's a fine present. He was probably only 

expecting a tie. 

Some time later Lister walks into the room to see Rimmer dancing. 

LISTER: You're in a good mood. 

RIMMER: Why not, Listy? When life's so good? 

LISTER: Why is life so good? 

RIMMER: You wouldn't understand, Lister, you've never 

been in love. 

LISTER: I have! 

RIMMER: Oh, not real love, Lister, not like I have. Not 

fireworks-in-the-sky, from-here-to-eternity, rolling-naked-onthe-beach 

kind of love. Not like me and Lise. 

LISTER: So, who's Lise? 

RIMMER: Never you mind, Lister. Someone who was 

absolutely nuts about me, that's all you need to know. 

LISTER: Fine, if you want to keep it to yourself. 

RIMMER: All I'm saying is, from now on call me "Tiger." 

LISTER: An old girlfriend, was she? Tiger. 

RIMMER: What a crazy, crazy year that was. The first 

three months I was at Saturn Tech doing a maintenance 

course. Then for absolutely no reason I suddenly moved to 

Liverpool. I drank too much, I smoked too much, I became a 

total slob. I met Lise, of course. I even started to eat my own 

toenail clippings. My tastes in music radically changed. I 

stopped adoring Mantovani and got into Rastabilly Skank. 

Crazy! 

LISTER: Well, you know, you were in love. You go a bit 

crazy. 

RIMMER: It was weird. I was absolutely nuts about her but 

yet I started to treat her really badly. 

LISTER: No, you didn't! 

RIMMER: I did! I started to give her some wishy-washy 

twaddle about not wanting to get tied down. 

page 28


LISTER: But you were young! You didn't want to settle 

down. You wanted to bum around and have a laugh. 

RIMMER: But I hate bumming around and having a laugh. 

LISTER: But that's what you're like when you're young. 

RIMMER: But I wasn't like that when I was young, so why 

did I say those things? 

LISTER: But, I mean, she wanted you to have a career. 

RIMMER: That's what I'd always dreamt of, so why did I 

finish it with her? 

LISTER: Because, you wanted to play the field. 

RIMMER: That's right. I told her I wanted to play the field. I 

told her that. I must have been mad. She was great and she 

thought I was great. 

LISTER: Yeah, man, you're right. You were mad. 

RIMMER: She was a lover and a friend. 

LISTER: And beautiful. 

RIMMER: Gorgeous. 

LISTER: Great sense of humour. 

RIMMER: Terrific. 

LISTER: The sex was fantastic. 

RIMMER: Amazing sex. 

LISTER: Brilliant sex. Fantastic sex! Stupendous sex! The 

way she used to… Oh... 

RIMMER: Lister! How do you know? 

LISTER: I'm just having a guess. 

BLUE MIDGET. THE CREW ARE WATCHING THE RECORDING. 

RIMMER: (on tape) Kindly don't. No one will ever know 

how beautiful the relationship between me and Lise Yates 

was. 

RIMMER: How could you do this to me? It's the most 

heartbreakingly tragic thing it's ever been my misfortune 

to witness. 

LISTER: Look, I'm sorry, man. I mean, obviously I thought 

I was doing you a favour. 

HOLLY: What's all this got to do with jigsaws, broken 

legs, and Godzilla-size footprints, eh? 

RED DWARF CORRIDOR. WE GO INTO FLASHBACK AGAIN. 

RIMMER: Right, smeg brain, prepare to die! I found the 

letters. 

LISTER: What letters? 

RIMMER: Don't give me "What letters?" The letters. You 

went out with Lise Yates too. I found the letters she sent you. 

All the time she was going out with me she must have been 

seeing you as well, behind my back. And what is more, 

page 29


to pour salt into the wound, you used to take her to the 

exact same places I used to take her and do the exact same 

things. 

LISTER: Rimmer, it's not what it looks like. 

RIMMER: That woman is unbelievable. We spent a night in a 

hotel in Southport and made love six times. According to 

her letter you were in the exact same hotel and you made 

love six times too. Twelve times a night? What is wrong with 

the woman? She's sex mad! It's a good job you were there. If 

I'd been on my own I'd have been dead within a week. 

But it doesn't make sense. I mean, she loved me. 

LISTER: Listen. She wasn't going out with us both at the 

same time. 

RIMMER: Come on, I've checked the dates. 

LISTER: She wasn't going out with you at all. 

RIMMER: She didn't go out with me at all? 

LISTER: No, you've never even met her. 

RIMMER: Is that the best you can do, Lister? That's 

below feeble. 

LISTER: I went down to the hologram simulation suite and I 

gave you eight months of my memory. It was a present. 

RIMMER: You gave me eight months of your memory, as a 

present? That's why I was an orphan, even though my 

parents were alive. That's why I had my appendix out... twice. 

LISTER: I thought it was what you needed. 

RIMMER: You've destroyed me, Lister. The woman I loved 

most in the whole world didn't love me, she loved you. 

CAT: You should have bought him a tie. 

OBSERVATION DOME. 

LISTER: Come on, Rimmer, you've experienced love. It 

made you more confident, more secure. 

RIMMER: It didn't happen. I never even met her. 

LISTER: It did happen. I mean, you fell in love with her in a 

way I never did. She's yours now and nothing can take her 

away from you. 

RIMMER: That time she stuck her tongue down my ear. 

It wasn't my ear at all -- it was your ear. The woman I loved 

most in the whole world had her tongue down your ear. The 

most romantic thing I've ever had down my ear is a 

Johnson's baby bud. 

LISTER: Come on, as far as you're concerned you had a 

love affair, right? Which was wonderful, yeah? And for 

some reason that you can't understand it all went hideously 

wrong. Well, so what? Join the club, bucko. It's just you, 

me, and everybody else in the world. 

RIMMER: I don't want to feel like this any more. 

page 30


LISTER: So you're in pain, I know, but Rimmer, if you go 

through life without feeling, if you go through life never 

experiencing, you're no better than a jellyfish. No better 

than a bank manager. 

RIMMER: I don't want this feeling any more. I want my 

own memory back. 

LISTER: OK. I'll erase the last four days. The incident will 

never have happened. 

RIMMER: But you'll know about it! 

LISTER: Well, I'll erase my memory from Sunday too. 

RIMMER: And the Cat's and Holly's. 

LISTER: Fine, if they agree. 

RIMMER: And what about the black box? 

LISTER: I'll destroy it. 

RIMMER: It's indestructible. 

LISTER: OK, I'll shoot it off into space. 

RIMMER: Someone might find it. 

LISTER: OK. We'll bury it. We'll bury it on some planet, 

yeah? 

page 31

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