Frasier – Seven – 1

Momma Mia 

Father Of The Bride 

Radio Wars 

FRASIER 

season seven part 1

frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill 

Café Nervosa. Frasier is waiting for his blind date 

Momma Mia 

FRASIER: This is exactly why I hate fix-ups, she's 

not coming. 

ROZ: Just give her a few more minutes. Come on, tell 

me about the cabin. 

FRASIER: Oh, all right. Mom and dad used to take us up 

there when we were kids. Niles and I thought it 

might be a nice birthday gift for dad if we took him 

up there again. Oh this is ridiculous! I'm being 

stood up on a blind date - I'm pathetic. 

ROZ: You are so insecure. God! Where does that come 

from? Jessica will be here. 

FRASIER: I thought you said her name was Jennifer. 

ROZ: Jennifer goes out with a weather man. She's 

way out of your league. Look, let me have your 

cell phone. I'll call her and see what's going on. 

Frasier is entranced by a woman that has just walked in. 

FRASIER: Oh, I'm sorry Roz, the most striking woman 

just came in. It's not Jessica. She's with a man. God, 

I don't know what it is about her. I can't take my 

eyes off of her. Do you suppose they're a couple? 

Tell you what, you have to go over there for me and 

find out. You owe me. Come on. All right, it's the 

table right by the counter. Go on. 

Roz gets up, and goes to a woman at another table. 

ROZ: Excuse me, I know this is a little weird. But my 

friend over there thinks you're really really cute. 

And he wants to know if you two are on a date. 

FRANCESCA: A date? Oh no, Hank and I are just friends. 

ROZ: Oh that's good news. That's really good news… Hi 

Hank. I'm Roz Doyle. 

The girl Frasier likes goes to the counter. Frasier gets up. 

FRASIER: Excuse me. I suppose you noticed I was 

staring at your table and I was just wondering if 

that gentleman you're with... is he your husband? 

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MIA: Would you like me to introduce you? He just 

broke up with someone. 

FRASIER: No... I was staring at you. Gosh, I know this 

may seem awfully bold of me, I'm not the sort of 

man who hits on every woman he sees. 

Francesca approaches Frasier. 

FRANCESCA: Excuse me, hi, you're friend said you 

wanted to know if I was single. It's okay, you don't 

have to be embarrassed. 

MIA: Yes, he does. 

FRASIER: There's been a little mistake. You see, I 

asked my friend to approach this lovely woman and 

she obviously mistook you for the woman I 

meant. Well, that's certainly understandable seeing 

as you're lovely as well. Well, it's just that at this 

moment, well.. Many apologies. (to Mia) Gosh, I'm 

sorry, let me start again. I'm Frasier Crane. 

Jessica arrives and hears this. 

JESSICA: Oh, you're Frasier. Hi, I'm Jessica - Roz's 

friend. Roz thought we might hit it off. 

FRASIER: Indeed we might have, you see, if not for 

the fact I just met this woman, to whom I'd be to 

glad to introduce you, except I don't know what her 

name is. You know, Roz can explain all this. She's 

sitting over there next to that scalding woman. (to 

Mia) Gosh, you know, you must think I'm some sort 

of a smooth operator. 

MIA: No, not really. I'm Mia. Mia Preston. 

FRASIER: The children's book author? Oh my 

goodness. "Panda in the Parlor". Oh, wow! I love that 

book, I've read it a hundred times. 

MIA: I'm impressed. Most of my readers can't even 

count that high. 

FRASIER: No, I used to read it to my son. You know, 

many is the quart of milk we've poured in the back 

yard waiting for the Orio Tree to grow. Gosh, you 

know I'd love to take you to lunch, sometime. 

Coffee? Anything. I'd just like a chance to get you 

know you better. 

page 3


MIA: Well okay, you're certainly persistent. 

FRASIER: Well, as a wise woman once wrote, "No cookie 

jar is up too high for a panda who will try and try". 

MIA: Now you're scaring me. 

Frasier's Apt. Martin enters dressed in oversized rubber waders. 

DAPHNE: I see you're wearing your buffet pants. 

MARTIN: They're hip-waders. I'm breaking them in for 

the weekend. Where's Fras'? 

DAPHNE: He's probably off somewhere with that Mia. 

MARTIN: Oh yes, it seems to be getting serious, huh? 

You know, it's funny, you can always tell. He 

starts using French words for no reason. 

DAPHNE: Yeah, and that laugh, the giddy one. 

MARTIN: I'm nearly done packing. I just gotta get my 

fly mast and my tackle box and there's one more 

thing... 

FRASIER: Yes, well, we're taking off in a few hours so 

depeché toi! 

MARTIN: Oh yeah, earplugs for the car-ride up. 

NILES: Oh but dad, don't forget to pack some sturdy 

knee socks. I should get some for myself. You 

remember the insect situation at the cabin. 

FRASIER: Good Lord, Niles, not this bug phobia of 

yours. 

NILES: It's not a phobia. The mosquitoes up there are 

huge. My first summer I was chased off the end of 

the dock by one the size of a pelican! 

DAPHNE: So, Dr. Crane, when do we finally get to 

meet this new girlfriend of yours? 

FRASIER: Oh, Mia, she's on her way over right now 

actually, she's going to take me out to buy some 

new trousers, you see, this new diet she's got me 

on, I've lost my love handles. Just when I needed 

them most. Niles, you got those movies. 

DAPHNE: Movies? 

NILES: Shush. Yes, for dad's birthday we had some old 

home movies transferred to video tape. 

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FRASIER: Gosh, you know, I haven't seen these in 

years. You know, Daphne, it's going to be quite a 

hoot this weekend. Are you sure you don't want to 

join us? 

DAPHNE: Gutting fish, watching home movies and 

hosing down your father's pants. It does sound 

tempting! 

FRASIER: Hi, Mia. Come on in. So, what have you got 

there? 

MIA: Oh, I baked some fat free goodies for your trip. 

Oh, where's the kitchen? 

FRASIER: Right this way. 

MIA: There's a ton of muffins if anybody wants one. 

NILES: Oh, not for me, I have some problems with 

allergies. 

MIA: Really? Well these are just wheat germ, oat bran 

and carob. 

NILES: Oh well, throw in a sea scallop, you can phone 

the paramedics right now. 

Mia and Frasier exit to the kitchen. 

DAPHNE: She seems nice, doesn't she. You all right? 

NILES: I'm sorry, Daphne, it's just that Mia looks 

exactly like our mother. 

DAPHNE: Mrs. Crane? I've only seen photos mind but 

now that you mention it, there is a resemblance. 

NILES: It's not just a resemblance. She's the spitting 

image, I'm shocked Frasier didn't mention it. 

FRASIER: So, what do you think of her? 

NILES: Well she's wonderful, but Frasier... Does she 

remind you of anyone? 

FRASIER: Oh, you noticed that too? 

NILES: Are you kidding? The minute I laid eyes on 

her. 

DAPHNE: Even I can see it. 

FRASIER: Really? Well she does look a bit like Roz, but 

she's a totally different person. You know, in fact 

our relationship is unlike any I've ever had 

before. 

page 5


An old rustic cabin with a fireplace and a wooden floorboard. 

MARTIN: Oh, wow! Look at that. I don't believe it. 

Nothing's changed. 

NILES: (disappointed) Wow! I don't believe it! Look at this! 

Nothing's changed! 

MARTIN: It's character, Niles. Look at this fireplace. 

Your mum and I used to sit in front of the fire here 

holding hands. I wonder if that... (pulls up rug) Oh 

yeah! It's still here. That graffiti that you scratched 

into the floor. 

NILES: That's not graffiti, dad, that's a Latin pun. 

"Semper Ubi Sub Ubi"--"Always Where Under Where" 

(car horns are heard) That'll be Frasier and Mia. 

MARTIN: Yeah, I was really surprised he brought her 

here for the weekend. What's she like, anyway? 

NILES: She made quite an impression on me, I'm 

curious to see what you'll think. Dad. Would you 

hand me that valise, I want to put on some bug 

repellent. 

FRASIER: (calls outside) Honey, you stay out there as 

long as you like. (to Niles) She can't take her eyes 

off that sunset. Is everything all set here? 

NILES: Yes, I just want to make sure this VCR works 

for our little home movies, later. Check. 

FRASIER: Splendid. Niles, you know what, we're going 

to need some more logs from the wood pile. Come 

give me a hand. 

MARTIN: Fras', isn't it great to be back here? You know, 

I want to thank you guys, this is some gift. 

FRASIER: You're welcome dad. Listen, if you're 

enjoying this little trip down memory lane, wait 

until you see the other blast from the past we 

brought up here. 

MIA: Martin? Hi. It's Mia. Oh my gosh, Frasier did tell 

you I was coming, didn't he? It's so beautiful here. I 

feel like I'm in heaven. 

MARTIN: I'm starting to feel that way myself. 

page 6


FRASIER: Well, nice going Niles! … Niles dropped a 

huge log right onto my hand when he was startled 

by a moth. 

NILES: It was not a moth, it was a bat. I could tell 

from that eerie high-pitched scream. 

FRASIER: That was you! Look, frankly, I wish you'd 

start seeing someone about this bug phobia of 

yours. 

NILES: It is not a phobia. I have a healthy fear of our 

natural predators. It's us versus them and frankly 

I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on. 

FRASIER: It just amazes me that a good psychiatrist can 

be so blind to something so obvious. 

MIA: Oh honey, your poor thumb, we should put 

something on that. 

Mia leads Frasier to the kitchen. 

MARTIN: God, she looks just like your mother. 

NILES: I know and Frasier doesn't see it. 

MARTIN: You're kidding? 

NILES: No, and he has the gall to tell me I'm blind. 

He's clearly the one dealing with repressed 

material not to mention the obvious Oedipal 

issues. 

MARTIN: Argle, gargle, gooble, goop. … Now you know 

how it feels, what are you talking about?! 

NILES: I'm talking about Freud's theory of the "Oedipus 

Complex". He believed that every man 

subconsciously wants to sleep with his mother and 

kill his father. It's modeled on the Greek tragedy of 

"Oedipus" who actually did sleep with his mother 

and kill his father and when he realized what he'd 

done he gouged out both his eyes. The question is: 

How do we bring it to Frasier's attention? 

MARTIN: We don't! 

NILES: Dad, denial of this magnitude is not healthy, it's 

for his own good. Okay, it's for my own good. 

Come on, after the way he wagged his finger at 

page 7


me, you can't expect I'm just going to keep quiet 

about this. 

MARTIN: Look, the last thing I want on my birthday 

weekend is some big long drawn out argument 

between you two, all right. Now let's chill this beer 

that we brought and put all these weird thoughts 

out of our minds. 

FRASIER: Oh, sorry. Come on, honey. Let's go see if our 

room still has that big creaky old pine bed that mom 

and dad used to sleep in. A-ha! Yes. There she is! 

MARTIN: Well, I guess a warm one wouldn't kill us. 

The Cabin. The four are sat around the dinner table. 

MARTIN: Boy, being in this place really takes me 

back. Remember that summer I tried to teach you 

boys how to fish? You just didn't have the knack so 

I went out and I bought these two big trout and 

snuck them on the boat. 

MIA: Oh, Marty, you're terrible! 

MARTIN: Yeah, and then I put the trout on their hooks 

and I dropped them over the side while you two 

were still arguing about the last Dramamine. I felt 

bad about fooling ya', but hell, what's the harm 

of a little fantasy if it makes you feel good. 

MIA: Frasier, you've hardly touched your chicken. Is 

something wrong? 

FRASIER: Oh, no, it's just that, well, I'm having a little 

trouble holding the knife because someone 

dropped a log on my thumb. 

NILES: Oh, it didn't hurt you that badly, you are such a 

baby. 

FRASIER: No, you are a baby, running and screaming 

because of a little moth. 

NILES: I told you it was a bat! 

MARTIN: All right boys, that's enough. 

MIA: Your father's right. Now Frasier, if your hand's 

hurting, I'll cut your meat for you. 

page 8


FRASIER: Well, all right. You know Niles, not to dwell 

on this, but you know, I could give you the number 

of a man who specializes in bug phobias. And while 

you're at it, I think you should talk to him about 

your constant chair dusting, I believe that is 

related. Well, I'm sorry, dad, I think a good 

psychiatrist should be self-aware. 

NILES: So you're saying I lack self-awareness? 

MARTIN: Why don't we change the subject? All right, 

this is a great meal, Mia. 

NILES: It certainly was. Frasier, when it comes to 

girlfriends, you've certainly struck the MOTHERlode. 

FRASIER: You haven't even read her books yet, dad, it's 

a delightful series about an adventurous little 

panda. 

NILES: It sounds worthy of MOTHER Goose! 

MARTIN: So, what's coming up next week, Mia? 

MIA: I'll have to swear you to secrecy. It looks like 

that Panda might just find its way into the attic. 

NILES: Yes, MUM's the word. 

Martin "accidentally" knocks his wine over Niles. 

MARTIN: Sorry, Niles, would you maybe come into the 

kitchen and I'll just help you get dried off in there, 

all right? 

NILES: Yes, oh dear, it looks like these pants may have 

to be REPRESSED! 

MARTIN: What the hell's the matter with you? 

NILES: Oh, I'm sorry dad, you can't expect me to let 

him sit there in his booster seat and tell me I lack 

self-awareness. 

MARTIN: He'll pick up on what you're saying. Do you 

want the whole thing to blow up? 

NILES: Dad, this level of denial is unhealthy. 

MARTIN: We're not in denial! Everything's perfect. 

This is the best birthday I've ever had. 

Mia and Frasier enter. Mia bumps into Martin as she enters. 

MIA: I know it's early, but I'm exhausted. 

page 9


MARTIN: Oh Mia, you go, you hit the sack, thanks for 

dinner. 

FRASIER: I'll be along in a minute. 

NILES: Frasier, before you turn in, there's a little 

something we need to deal with. 

FRASIER: Oh right, dad, your birthday gift. Come on 

Niles. It's be fun. Seeing you and me, dad and mom. 

NILES: You know, I'm getting more excited by the 

second. 

MARTIN: Oh right, what is this? Some kind of movie? 

FRASIER: That's right. Here we go. 

Niles puts the video on. 

MARTIN: Oh, my old home movies. I haven't seen 

these for twenty years. 

FRASIER: Well, happy birthday, dad, now you can watch 

them whenever you like. (to Niles) Isn't it just the 

reaction you were hoping for? 

NILES: One of them. 

Hester Crane appears on the television. 

FRASIER: Oh dear God! Do you two see what I see? My 

God, they could be twins. 

MARTIN: Now Frasier, take it easy. 

FRASIER: You do see it?! How could you miss it? How 

could I miss it? 

MARTIN: Niles, just calm him down and I'll get him a 

drink of water. 

NILES: Frasier, the important thing is not to blow 

this out of proportion. After all... What was that? 

A hummingbird?! 

FRASIER: What is the matter with me?! 

NILES: Frasier you didn't do anything wrong, your 

feelings for Mia stem from perfectly natural 

Oedipal desires. 

FRASIER: Yes but Oedipal desires are supposed to 

resolve themselves by the age of six. 

page 10


Cabin's Bedroom. Mia is on the bed wearing a dressing gown. 

FRASIER: Hello? You wanted to see me? 

MIA: I hope I wasn't rushing you. 

FRASIER: No, no, it is bedtime. 

MIA: Are you okay sweetie, you seem a little tense. It 

seems like you're in pain. Oh, it's your hand. Well, 

I know what the problem is there. I never kissed 

your little boo-boo. We don't want these other 

fingers to be jealous, do we? Frasier, honey, please. 

Tell me what's wrong, what's bothering you. 

FRASIER: I'm just having a little trouble getting 

comfortable. 

MIA: Well, was it something I did, something I said 

at dinner, what? 

FRASIER: Gosh, this is awkward. I just realized that you 

bear a striking resemblance to my mother. 

MIA: But you just noticed it now? Well, it can't be that 

strong a resemblance then, can it? (Frasier looks at 

her) That strong, huh? Well listen, I hope you can 

get over it, because I think we have a pretty great 

thing going here. We have loads in common, we 

get along great and don't you want to stick around 

long enough to see how that naughty Panda gets 

out of the attic? 

FRASIER: Oh, I do, yes. You're right, just talking about 

this makes me feel much better. Oh, God, you're not 

my mother, this is ridiculous. 

The Cabin. The same night a taxi horn sounds. 

FRASIER: Oh well, there's your cab. 

MIA: Take care of yourself. 

MARTIN: I take it that cab was for Mia. 

FRASIER: Yeah, I tried to get past it but I just couldn't. I 

won't be getting much sleep tonight. 

MARTIN: Well, I'm up too. 

NILES: I won't be getting a wink of sleep either the 

way those crickets are raging. 

page 11


MARTIN: Niles, why don't you get us all a nice big 

brandy? Now, don't make too much of this, Frasier. 

So you picked a woman who looked like your 

mother, so what. 

FRASIER: Like her would have been fine dad, we're 

not talking about a similar hairdo or the same 

crooked smile, I was dating a replica. 

MARTIN: Now Frasier, I know you're going to go crazy 

convincing yourself that you've got some big 

complex, but couldn't it be simpler than that? 

Maybe you just miss your mother, I know I do. 

FRASIER: I do think about her a lot. 

NILES: We all do. 

MARTIN: Hey, I think we've talked about all this enough 

for one night. So, it's still my birthday. I want to 

watch the rest of my movies. 

The first scene is of Niles and Frasier fighting. 

NILES: Well, there certainly are a lot of us fighting. 

FRASIER: You know, dad, I wish there were more 

shots with you in it. 

MARTIN: No, no, no, I liked being the cameraman. I 

got to focus on the things I liked. 

page 12


Father Of The Bride 

Café Nervosa. Frasier is flicking through some magazines. 

FRASIER: I'm trying to find the perfect wedding gift for 

Daphne and Donny. 

ROZ: Oh right. Well, I guess now that they've set a 

date, I'll be getting my bridesmaid draft notice. 

FRASIER: You know Roz, she might not even ask you. 

ROZ: Oh, she'll ask me. They all do. The next thing I 

know I'm wearing some revolting puffy sleeved 

dress made from the same material that keeps the 

space shuttle from burning up on re-entry. 

FRASIER: You know, Roz, Daphne might just surprise 

you and pick a dress you like. 

ROZ: Oh, impossible. They're always ugly; that's why 

the bride makes sure she's the prettiest one at the 

wedding. 

FRASIER: That's awfully cynical. 

ROZ: Oh yeah, when was the last time you found 

yourself staring at the bridesmaid instead of the 

bride? 

FRASIER: That would have been at my wedding to 

Lilith. 

NILES: Hello Frasier. Frasier, do you remember the 

time the Kreasle brothers tied me to their great 

dame and lobbed meatballs down their gravel 

driveway? 

FRASIER: I told you Niles, I would have helped you, 

but their sister was holding me down. 

NILES: No, my point is... even that experience was 

less painful then the date I was just on. She was... a 

cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well, 

she had good reason, it was Mr. Waggles' birthday. 

Actually his birthday party. Actually, his surprise 

birthday party. 

FRASIER: I'm sorry, where on earth did you meet this 

woman? 

page 13


NILES: At "Nordstroms". We both reached for the same 

cashmere throw and she said she needed something 

to keep her waggles warm. I thought it was a coy 

euphemism. 

FRASIER: Well, Niles, I certainly understand you being 

upset but you know, you've got to keep on looking. 

NILES: Well, trust me, with Daphne getting married, 

I have no choice but to press on. But I'm going to 

change my strategy. Do you recall, the other day at 

the health club, Tony Hubner gave me that phone 

number? 

FRASIER: Dear God, Niles, not a dating service? 

NILES: No, it's not a dating service. An "Introduction 

Network" for busy professionals. I've given them my 

vital statistics, there's an extensive screening 

process, they bill me at the end of the month. 

FRASIER: Niles, please. They are all money-grabbing 

con-artists who prey on the pathetic and the 

lonely. God sakes, you sign up with visions of some 

PhD, and what do they deliver? A buck toothed 

librarian who needs help washing her mother! Are 

you really that desperate? 

NILES: Half an hour ago, I had my back leg tethered to 

Mr. Waggles' fore paw and we came in third in the 

five legged race. 

FRASIER: You would think they'd let him win on his 

birthday. 

Frasier's Apt. As Frasier enters he hears Daphne on the phone. 

DAPHNE: I know, mum, but it is my wedding. I've 

given into you on so many things. Couldn't this 

one thing go my way? … I just don't like those tiny 

corns in my salad. … No, I don't hate you. … Well, 

that's just not true. I'm glad you're alive. … All right, 

tiny corn it is. I've got to run now, cheery bye. That 

was mum, she had a thought about the salad. 

FRASIER: Something tells me yesterday's crouton 

skirmish wasn't the end of it. 

page 14


DAPHNE: I suppose she can be a bit overbearing. But as 

she often points out, she is paying for the wedding 

and I am her only daughter and giving birth to me 

was so painful she did bite through a kitchen 

spoon. 

FRASIER: Daphne, just don't let you mother guilt you 

into having the wedding she wants instead of the 

wedding you want. 

DAPHNE: Oh, don't worry, mum already promised me I 

could have the wedding I want, as soon as I have a 

daughter who gets engaged. 

MARTIN: Oh, Fras'. You'll love this stuff I got from the 

farmer's market. This guy takes the juiciest cut of 

filet mignon. Slices it real thin and makes jerky out 

of it. 

FRASIER: Look, dad I don't... (Martin throws it into his 

mouth) Yes, if only I had a nice "powdered Cabonet" 

to go with it. Listen, have you given any thought 

to Daphne's wedding present? 

MARTIN: Now Frasier, not everyone likes jerky as much 

as you and me. 

FRASIER: No, I just want to get her something special, 

especially since her mother seems to be taking all 

the joy out of it for her. 

MARTIN: Oh, well, how about a nice piece of luggage? 

You know, a good hard suitcase, like the kind people 

used to put stickers on to show everybody where 

they've been. Remember your grandad's, his 

whole life was on it: Topica, Sioux Falls, Bill Loxy, it 

was like a map of the world. 

FRASIER: What a loss to us all that he failed to write 

his memoirs. I'm thinking of something that would 

matter to Daphne. (hiccups) Something that shows 

her how we feel. (hiccups) Good Lord, that's a little 

spicy, isn't it? You know, maybe we should get 

something for her wedding. 

MARTIN: Like what? 

FRASIER: Well, I don't know, we could offer to pay for 

her wedding flowers. 

page 15


MARTIN: That's a bit pricey isn't it? 

FRASIER: Well don't worry about it dad. You just donate 

what you can and I'll pay for the rest. (hiccups) God, 

what was in that jerky? 

MARTIN: Well you just ate it too fast, next time you 

have to savor it a little. 

FRASIER: Dad, I'm never going to taste that vile stuff 

again. (hiccups) Oh, spoke too soon. Daphne, may I 

have a word with you please? 

DAPHNE: What is it, Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER: Well, it's about you wedding gift. Now, I 

know it's not traditionally the role of a friend but we 

consider you family, so please don't say no. Dad 

and I would be honored to pay for your wedding... 

(hiccups) 

DAPHNE: Pay for my wedding? How wonderful! I could 

never imagine. 

MARTIN: What's all the hub-bub? 

DAPHNE: Dr. Crane just told me about your incredible 

wedding present. You people are heaven sent. 

MARTIN: Well, I'm glad you like it. You know what, 

we're going to throw in a piece of luggage as well. 

DAPHNE: I'm just so overwhelmed. 

MARTIN: See, I told you, everybody loves luggage. 

FRASIER: Dad, she thinks we're paying for her whole 

wedding. I tried to say wedding flowers, but then I 

hiccupped. 

MARTIN: Well I'm not paying for her wedding. 

FRASIER: Of course not, I'm just going to clear this 

whole thing up right now before it goes any 

further. Daphne… 

DAPHNE: You know what this means, don't you? Now 

that mum's not paying, she can't make me have it 

in England. I can have my wedding how I want it, 

where I want it: right here. You've answered my 

prayers. Could someone let Donny in? 

MARTIN: Well look, Donny's a very traditional guy. He's 

not going to let us pay for his wedding. 

page 16


FRASIER: Right, you saw how he proposed to her; on 

bended knee. He's nothing but a hopeless 

romantic. 

DONNY: Any idiot knows you've got to pay a hooker in 

cash! I'm at a meeting, I'll call you later, bye. I've 

got this client, he's in the middle of a divorce, right, 

and his wife finds all these charges from this place 

called "Executive Match". It turns out to be a call 

girl service. When she gets through with him she'll 

have his house, his car, she'd have his beach house 

too if I hadn't already taken it. Women! Hi honey. 

DAPHNE: Hi sweety. Have they told you yet? 

DONNY: Told me what? 

DAPHNE: You're not going to believe this but Dr. Crane 

and his father has offered to pay for our entire 

wedding. 

DONNY: Is this a joke? 

FRASIER: It could be. 

DONNY: I mean, it's one thing for us to let your 

family pay, they're your parents, it's traditional. But 

this is... 

FRASIER: Going too far? Being presumptuous? 

MARTIN: Yeah, we don't want to step on any toes. 

DAPHNE: I didn't think you'd be uncomfortable with 

this. 

FRASIER: Well, he clearly is, Daphne. 

MARTIN: Donny's right! We're not family. 

DONNY: Wait, what am I doing? You guys, you're 

making this lovely gesture and I'm just insulting 

you. I mean if you guys are not family to Daphne, 

then who is? Of course you can pay for the wedding. 

Thank you. 

DAPHNE: I just knew he'd see how much this meant to 

you. I'm tearing up again. 

DONNY: No, don't start with the water works because 

you're going to get me going. What's this? Jerky? 

Can I have some of that? 

MARTIN: Help yourself. 

page 17


DONNY: Made from filet mignon. How much did this 

stuff set you back? 

FRASIER: You have no idea! 

Café Nervosa. Daphne's going through her plans for the wedding. 

DAPHNE: Now, as far as the reception goes, I've 

narrowed it down to two places. I'm leaning 

towards "Captain Jonah's". The view of the water's 

lovely. But you have to walk through a whale's 

mouth to get inside. 

FRASIER: I hesitate to ask how you exit. 

DAPHNE: I've got to run. I have a meeting with the DJ. 

ROZ: I thought she'd never leave! 

FRASIER: Good God, how long have you been there? 

ROZ: Since you two walked in and trapped me. 

FRASIER: Aren't you taking this a bit too far just 

trying to avoid an unflattering dress? 

ROZ: Yeah, I thought you'd say that. That's why I've 

been carrying around this picture of the last time 

I was a bridesmaid. 

FRASIER: Good Lord, Roz, you look like you've been 

tented for termites. 

ROZ: Well, it sounds like she's having fun planning 

her wedding. 

FRASIER: Yes, well now that she can have things her 

way and not her mother's. 

ROZ: She's lucky you came along. 

FRASIER: Well, yes and no. You know, I sit here and let 

her make questionable choices and I say nothing 

because I know it's going to cost me less. I'm sorry, 

I've got to change my thinking about this whole 

thing. What good is my money, if I'm denying her 

the best gift I have to offer. My taste and expertise. 

Frankly, what Daphne really deserves is the gift of 

Frasier. 

ROZ: Suddenly that crock-pot I'm giving them doesn't 

sound so bad. 

page 18


FRASIER: Oh shut up! Hello Niles. You look like a man 

who's been waiting to be asked why he's 

grinning. 

NILES: Oh, I was just thinking about the other day 

when you said how you thought dating services 

were all a big con. Well, I just got conned into 

meeting the most enchanting woman. 

FRASIER: I don't know what to say. 

NILES: And I owe it all to "Executive Match". 

FRASIER: Now I do. The name of this service is 

"Executive Match". 

NILES: And you thought these women all beneath me. 

FRASIER: Beneath you and countless others. Niles, do 

you have any idea... 

Sabrina walks in. She looks like the average ditzy blonde. 

NILES: She's always on the phone. Whatever it is she 

does for a living, she's in great demand. 

FRASIER: So you have no idea what line of work 

Sabrina's in. 

NILES: I'm guessing high-priced lawyer. I heard her 

quote her hourly rate on the phone. Believe me, 

you don't want to be on the receiving end of that 

bill. 

FRASIER: Niles, I feel I must warn you... 

NILES: Oh please, spare me your condescending 

advice. Why can't you simply say you were wrong? 

You could learn a thing or two from me, mister 

one date and it's over. I am taking it slow with 

Sabrina. 

FRASIER: You mean, you haven't…? 

NILES: Oh please! Are you mad, you don't proposition 

a woman like that on the first date. Last night, I 

dropped her home after dinner with nothing more 

than a courtly kiss on the wrist. Tonight may 

proceed to hand-holding. If all goes well, in two 

weeks I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood. … 

Sabrina. This is Frasier. 

page 19


SABRINA: Nice to meet you. You really have a great 

brother. He's charming and witty and intelligent 

and handsome. 

NILES: I paid her to say that. 

FRASIER: Of course you did! 

Frasier's Apartment. The room is full of things for the wedding. 

FRASIER: Finally, the doves have arrived. Lathbert, 

thank you so much for coming, lovely flowers, I'll 

let you know. 

DAPHNE: Was that the florist for my wedding? 

FRASIER: In his dreams! God, the man's arrangement 

are one big cliché. Look at this, his answers to 

everything is baby's breath, baby's breath, baby's 

breath. 

DAPHNE: Does that woman with the harp have 

something to do with my wedding too? 

FRASIER: No, Daphne, she's selling them door to door. 

Of course it's for your wedding. She's auditioning. 

DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, I really don't think... 

MARTIN: Oh good, Daphne, you're here too. Listen, I 

want to show you guys a little something I 

thought up for the wedding. (acting as a minister) It is 

now the time in the ceremony for the rings. May I 

have them please. (Eddie runs in with a little basket 

containing two rings) Of course, it's a lot more 

effective when he's in his little tux. 

FRASIER: Dad, please, it's all just a bit much, isn't it? We 

don't want to turn this wedding into a circus. 

Now, the dove man. 

DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, about the doves... 

FRASIER: Just picture it, Daphne. Aren't they 

something? As you and Donny exit the church one 

dozen white birds of peace will be released and 

circle above. Of course, we'll use fourteen actually - 

the power lines always take out a few. 

DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, about the doves, well it just seems 

a little grand. I mean, what's wrong with throwing 

a bit of rice. 

page 20


FRASIER: Well, if you want rice, of course, you'll have 

rice. Sometimes it seems nothing I do is good 

enough. 

DAPHNE: No, no, no, I suppose doves will be fine. 

MARTIN: Frasier, is that reverend Franklin in the 

kitchen? You're auditioning our minister for the 

wedding? 

DAPHNE: Don't you think Donny and I should have a 

say in who marries us? 

FRASIER: Of course, Daphne, I'm just whittling down 

the possibilities. The final choice is yours. 

CHEF MARCO: Who's tasting the first course? 

FRASIER: Oh, that would be me. 

DAPHNE: Who's that? I was planning on serving a 

buffet. That way people can mingle, it's more 

festive. 

FRASIER: We are talking about your wedding, not 

brunch with all the fixings at "Billy Bob's Blackjack 

Boomtown". 

NILES: Hello, Frasier, you remember Sabrina. We're 

out for an afternoon of bird watching, it's start of 

mating season. Just wanted to introduce my new 

girlfriend to dad. Dad, this is Sabrina. 

SABRINA: Nice to meet you. I should really call my 

office, about how long do you think we'll be gone? 

NILES: About eight hours. 

ROZ: Oh, Daphne, I didn't know you were going to be 

here. I just want to drop these off for Frasier. 

DAPHNE: Roz, I'm glad you dropped by, I need to talk 

to you about my wedding. Do you mind if we 

speak in the hallway? 

ROZ: Actually I don't have much time. 

DAPHNE: Well, then I'll get right to it. 

DELIVERY: Excuse me, do you know where Dr. Crane 

lives? 

DAPHNE: Right here, can I help you? 

page 21


DELIVERY: I'm dropping off this bridesmaid dress. 

DAPHNE: Oh, I'll take that. I'm the bride. 

Roz examines the dress and is hardly listening to Daphne. 

DAPHNE: What I need to ask you is how do you ever 

get Dr. Crane to listen to you... He's driving me 

mad. He doesn't listen to anything I say... 

ROZ: The woman you ask to be bridesmaid gets to 

wear this... 

DAPHNE: And the worst part is... 

ROZ: Is that silk? 

DAPHNE: Well he's just like my mother, controlling 

and stubborn. I mean, what am I going to do? 

ROZ: Well, Daphne, it's your wedding. Just tell Frasier 

how you feel. 

DAPHNE: Yeah, well that's a bit difficult for me. You 

see, there was no talking to my mother. Anytime 

I sort of tried all I hear is "Just do it my way, you'll 

thank me later". Every time she said that I just 

wanted to explode. 

ROZ: Look, Frasier's a reasonable guy. Just go in there 

and be direct. 

DAPHNE: You're right, I'm going to and… I was going 

to ask you if you wanted to be one of my 

bridesmaids? 

ROZ: Oh my God, are you serious? This is coming 

out of nowhere. I'd love to. 

DAPHNE: Don't worry. Once I'm in charge you won't 

have to wear this thing Dr. Crane picked out. I 

mean, he calls this a bridesmaid dress. The sleeves 

aren't even puffy. 

MARTIN: So, how long have you guys been seeing 

each other? 

SABRINA: Let's see. Since we met it's been about 

seventeen, no, eighteen hours. 

NILES: She actually counts the minutes we've been 

together. 

FRASIER: Niles, may I see you in the kitchen? 

page 22


DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, I need to talk to you. 

FRASIER: Not now, Daphne. 

NILES: All right, what is it? 

FRASIER: Niles, it's about Sabrina. She's a prostitute. 

NILES: Frasier, I don't like lawyers any more than 

you do, but frankly a man whose face is plastered 

on every bus in town should be careful what terms 

he bandies about. 

FRASIER: Niles! "Executive Match" is an escort service. 

One of Donny's clients was caught using them. 

NILES: I don't believe you. 

FRASIER: Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you 

say, is she fascinated by everything about you, even 

your collections? 

NILES: Well yes. Actually, I even showed her my 

rarely seen collection of eighteenth century 

Portuguese bud faces. 

FRASIER: And how did she react? 

NILES: Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused. 

She said she loved a man who collected porcelain 

and… Oh my God! I'm dating a whore! They have 

my credit card number, I've been running up a 

tab! I've got to get her out of here! Sabrina, we 

should be going. 

MARTIN: What's the hurry? We're having a nice 

conversation. 

FRASIER: Did I mention he used to be a police officer? 

SABRINA: Maybe we should go. 

FRANKLIN: Surely you can stay a little while, I haven't 

seen Niles in ages. (to Sabrina) You know, I used to 

teach him in Sunday school. 

MARTIN: Oh, you know Reverend, I can still remember 

dropping him off for his first class. It seems like 

only yesterday. 

FRASIER: Oh, Daphne, I believe I have chosen your 

bouquet. It's hand-woven out of pygmy orchids. 

DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, I really need to talk to you. 

page 23


FRASIER: Well, of course, Daphne. First let's sample the 

Porchini mushroom. They're exquisite. 

DAPHNE: But I don't like mushrooms! 

FRASIER: You only think you don't, you haven't tried 

these. Try this for me, you'll thank me later. 

DAPHNE: You'll thank me later?! I've heard that my 

whole life, well, no more! I'm doing my wedding my 

way. And if that means I want rice instead of dove 

and a DJ instead of a harp, then that's what I'll 

have. I don't want your advice, I don't want your 

money and I don't want your mushrooms. I'm in 

charge of this wedding now. And what kind of a 

git walks down the aisle carrying something of 

pygmy orchids! 

Frasier's Apartment. Later that day. 

FRASIER: She's fine. We had a nice talk. 

MARTIN: Well that's good. Wedding still on track? 

FRASIER: Absolutely. 

MARTIN: You just got a little carried away, that's all. 

FRASIER: Oh, I guess so, yeah. You know, it suddenly 

occurred to me when I was talking to Daphne that I 

never really got the wedding of my dreams either. 

Oh sure, you know, my first one was a little 

clandestine, we dashed off at the city hall. I could 

have hardly imagined a wedding more lacking in 

ceremony until my second wedding, which was 

lacking a bride. Then came Lilith, if I knew then 

what I know now, I would have walked down the 

aisle with the ice sculpture and had her stand by 

the buffet table to keep the shrimp cold. 

MARTIN: Oh, so you've had a few bad weddings. 

FRASIER: I guess I was just taking my last best shot at 

the wedding I shall never have for myself. Let's face 

it, dad: I'm no spring chicken. Do you really see 

me getting married again? 

MARTIN: Well, I guess if Niles can meet a great gal like 

Sabrina, then there's hope for all of us. 

page 24


Radio Wars 

It is quarter past six in the morning. The phone rings. 

CARLOS: Dr. Crane? Dr. Kaufmann of the national 

psychotherapy institute. Oh my gosh, it's six fifteen 

in the morning, your time. I hope I didn't wake you. 

FRASIER: No, I was up. Where did you say you were 

calling from? 

CARLOS: The national psychotherapy institute In Saddle 

River, New Jersey. 

Frasier is actually receiving a prank call from KACL's new 

team "Carlos And The Chicken". 

FRASIER: Oh yes of course. What can I do for you? 

CARLOS: Oh, for Pete's sake. No-one called you? You 

won our radio therapist of the year award. 

Congratulations. 

FRASIER: Well, thank you. Of course, the work itself is 

honor enough. 

CARLOS: Thank you! And I'm sorry about the mix-up. 

The problem is we're going to need some pictures of 

you so we can get started on the statue… For our 

hall of thinkers. (aside) Ange, he never got the 

packet! 

FRASIER: Is there anything I can do? 

CARLOS: Well, it's a little late now, but maybe if you 

describe your body we could get started on the 

preliminary carving. The sculptor's right here. 

Fortunately we got the Gustov Brumhalt. 

FRASIER: Oh my. 

CHICKEN: Dr. Crane, please, ja? 

FRASIER: Yes, this is Dr. Crane speaking. Herr 

Brumhalt, may I say, it's quite an honor. 

CHICKEN: Ja, Ja, Ja. We have your face, very handsome, 

but I need you to describe your body. 

FRASIER: Yes of course. Six foot one, medium build, 

broad shoulders, sublimely proportioned. 

page 25


CHICKEN: Ja, das ist gut, Ja. But before I order my 

marble I need you to describe your, how do I say 

this, where you sit? Ja? 

FRASIER: Oh, my posterior, yeah well, that's a little 

sensitive, isn't it? 

CHICKEN: Oh, you don't want to tell me, I understand, 

it's a big one. Ange, order the big marble, please. 

FRASIER: Please put Dr. Kaufmann back on. 

CHICKEN: No, I have a better idea. Why don't you send 

us a picture of your... hindquarters and send it into 

KACL's new morning team "The Carlos And The 

Chicken"! Squawk, squawk. 

Daphne enters from her room. 

FRASIER: Morning! You won't believe what just 

happened to me! I was the victim of a radio prank. 

DAPHNE: Oh, how terrible. 

FRASIER: Yes, it's a sad day when getting a man to 

describe his own behind passes as humor. You 

heard the whole thing, didn't you! 

DAPHNE: Ja! I'm sorry Dr. Crane, but they can be 

funny. 

FRASIER: Oh that's all right, Daphne. "Carlos and the 

Chicken" are the sort of performers who keep 

popping up on the radio these days. So called 

humorists who rely on cruel pranks and scatological 

references. Well, I suppose that's the sort of thing 

that passes for entertainment these days. You 

know, perhaps it's just a generational thing. 

MARTIN: They got you good! The chicken was on fire, 

what a great bit. Frasier, can you get me a tape of 

the show? 

FRASIER: What on earth for? 

MARTIN: How often do you get to hear your son on the 

radio?! 

FRASIER: I'm on the radio every day! 

page 26


Café Nervosa. Frasier meets Roz at a table. 

FRASIER: Hello Roz, I suppose you heard about my 

unscheduled appearance on KACL's new morning 

show. 

ROZ: No, what happened? 

FRASIER: Well, the less said about it the better. 

ROZ: Come on Frasier, why don't you pull up a couple 

of chairs and tell me about it? 

FRASIER: Was everyone in Seattle listening at six in the 

morning? 

ROZ: They did it at six. I heard the replay at eight. 

WAITRESS: I heard it at nine fifteen. 

FRASIER: Oh, I thought the entire thing was rude and 

childish. 

ROZ: Well, you're just mad because you fell for it. 

Come on, Frasier, "Hall of Thinkers"? 

FRASIER: Well, it's not such a bad idea. In a society 

where we glorify our athletes and rock musicians, I 

thought maybe we should... Well, it was early. 

ROZ: Hey, that's them over there with Kenny. Wow! 

The chicken's a lot cuter than he is on his billboard. 

FRASIER: Do you know, I think I might just go over 

there and introduce myself. 

ROZ: I don't know what you're thinking but don't. 

FRASIER: I'm just going to go over there and let them 

know that what they did today was completely 

unacceptable. 

ROZ: Frasier, I know guys like this. Once they know 

they can rattle you, they never stop. Just take your 

lungs and laugh it off. 

FRASIER: I'm perfectly capable of laughing it off, I 

just want to let them know that I don't appreciate 

being made the punch-line at my own station. I'm 

going to go over there and tell them from now on, I 

don't want to be part of their shenanigans. 

ROZ: Oh God, please don't say shenanigans! 

page 27


FRASIER: Hello Kenny. I believe introductions are in 

order. 

KENNY: Oh, right, this is The Chicken and Carlos. 

CARLOS: We're actually called "Carlos and the 

Chicken". 

FRASIER: Yes well, nice to meet you boys. About this 

morning... 

KENNY: Wo, Wo, Wo, I don't want to see any feathers 

flying here. Just kidding. 

CARLOS: Dr. Crane, I hope we didn't go too far. We 

love your show. 

FRASIER: Really, you're listeners? 

CARLOS: Oh, yeah we're big fans and you know the last 

thing we want to do is step on your toes. 

FRASIER: Well you know, you do tread a fine line with 

your style of comedy but, perhaps you can be 

excused for stomping on it rather exuberantly on 

your first day. Just keep in mind in the future 

that this station does have a certain pecking order. 

(laughs) 

CARLOS: We totally get it, Dr. Crane, it felt wrong 

when we did it. 

CHICKEN: We sure did, you're not upset or anything? 

FRASIER: Oh no. No harm, no foul. 

CHICKEN: It's great meeting you, Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER: Likewise, boys. Hey, call me Frasier, but 

don't call me at home. 

ROZ: Is it over? I couldn't look. 

FRASIER: God sakes Roz, have a little faith in me, 

after all I do reason with people for a living. It's 

all settled. You know, they're good kids really, quite 

sensible actually. 

ROZ: Yeah, if you go for beer-belching frat boy 

types, which I do, was the chicken wearing a 

wedding ring? 

FRASIER: You know, I really did over-react this 

morning. After all, it was kinda cute, I suppose. 

page 28


(laughs) "Hall of Thinkers". Never let it be said that 

Frasier Crane is the kind of man who is incapable of 

laughing at himself. 

Frasier's Apartment. Martin is on the phone to his friend. 

MARTIN: No kidding. He's flying you to Las Vegas for 

the fight? That's a great son you've got there, 

Duke. 

NILES: Frasier, I thought you might like to join me. I'm 

going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans 

reseasoned. 

FRASIER: Gosh, I'd love to Niles, but I've just drawn a 

nice herbal bath. 

MARTIN: No, it's Daphne, she's watching PBS. Okay, I'll 

talk to you later, Duke. Does the whole world have 

to know what goes on in this house? 

FRASIER: Help yourself to some coffee, Niles. 

DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, how do you know it's time to have 

your crepe pans reseasoned, anyway? 

NILES: It can be confusing. But this may help; 

"Saucepans in summer, crepe pans in fall, when 

winter's upon us, there's food for us all." 

The phone sounds. 

MARTIN: Whoever it is, I'm not home, I'm not here! 

CHICKEN: (with accent) Is Dr. Crane there? 

NILES: No, actually he's taking a bath. 

CHICKEN: Who's this? 

NILES: This is his brother, Niles. 

CHICKEN: Okay, well this is the building 

superintendent. I'm in the bathroom just below 

his and I think the pipes are getting corroded. Is 

your brother putting anything unusual in his bath? 

NILES: I'm not exactly sure what he puts in. Better let 

me ask him. 

MARTIN: I smell a bit. 

DAPHNE: Put the radio on. 

Frasier is enjoying his bath singing "I'm in the Mood for Love". 

page 29


NILES: Frasier, what do you put in your bath water? … 

It's your super. There's something corroding the 

pipes in the unit below you, he thinks it may be 

something in your tub. 

FRASIER: (to phone) Hello, yes, I'm sure it's not my fault 

but if you insist, I use... jasmin, lavender, rose hips 

and a little Tehesian Vanilla. 

CHICKEN: It sounds okay. Boy, with a bath like that I 

bet the ladies sure go for you though, huh? 

FRASIER: Yes well, love does enter through the nose. 

CHICKEN: Hey, you know, the neighbors down here 

have been complaining about a little sound bleedthrough. 

I think we got a bad tile, I sure would like 

to check it. I heard you sing into the phone 

earlier, you think you could do it again. 

Frasier begins singing "I'm in the Mood for Love" again. 

CHICKEN: Yeah, that's great. I definitely heard some 

bleed through. You know, I could isolate the tile if 

you could just walk around a little bit, or maybe 

you know, if you could stomp around, that would 

be great. But if it's too much trouble I could send 

my assistant, Jimmy, up to stomp around. 

FRASIER: Oh, no, please. You just leave Jimmy where 

he is. I certainly don't need an audience while I'm 

singing in the bath tub. 

CHICKEN: I really appreciate this, we'll get it all 

cleared up in a jiffy. Thanks a lot, Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER: Just wait a second and I'll tell you when I'm 

ready. (gets out of the bath) I'm ready. Here goes. 

CHICKEN: Oh my God! The whole ceiling's falling down. 

FRASIER: Oh good Lord. Niles, be careful, the whole 

ceiling is caving in. 

CHICKEN: Hey listen, I think we found out what the 

problem is. It's that humungous ass of yours! 

CARLOS: Listeners, "Carlos and the Chicken" are 

offering one thousand pounds for the best picture of 

Frasier Crane's humungous ass for our website. 

FRASIER: Oh, dear God. 

page 30


NILES: Now, now, it won't get you down for long. 

You've always had a thick skin. Unless that 

Tehesian Vanilla softened you up a bit. 

Frasier's Apt. Frasier bursts in. A camera flashes outside. 

FRASIER: Leave me alone! For God's sake, have some 

respect. 

MARTIN: Was that Mrs. Curdsmen? 

FRASIER: She dropped her medication in the hallway, 

as I stooped to pick it up. Out came her camera like 

an assassin's blade. Well, if she wants to control 

those blood clots, she'll cough up that film! 

MARTIN: You're really getting riled up. 

FRASIER: I certainly am. 

MARTIN: Come on, they're just pranks. Back in the 

force, we used to do stuff like this all the time. Fill a 

guy's hat with shaving cream or nail a guy's shoes to 

the floor. Sometimes we get a guy dead drunk and 

leave him in a draw in the morgue. 

FRASIER: You know, dad, I might have been able to 

laugh it off if all of Seattle hadn't started stalking 

me with cameras! 

Frasier looks through the spy-hole in the door, pulls a surprised 

Niles inside, and slams the door again. 

NILES: Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you 

hear me shouting? 

FRASIER: That was you? I'm sorry, Niles, I was afraid 

you might be trying to get a picture of my butt! 

NILES: How exciting to be present at the birth of a 

new phobia. 

FRASIER: I'm talking about Carlos and the Chicken. 

NILES: Oh, yes, their little contest. I can't believe 

anyone's taking that seriously. 

FRASIER: Oh, well, they won't be for much longer. 

I've decided it's time to fight back. I was up to all 

hours last night crafting my response to those two 

idiots. I believe I have arrived at a masterful 

rebuttal. 

page 31


MARTIN: I'm not sure you want to call it your 

reBUTTal. 

NILES: I see your "Bartletts" is out. You're not pulling 

any punches! 

FRASIER: Hardly. I go in swinging with Le Roché Va 

Coe; "If we had no faults of our own, we would not 

take so much pleasure in noticing those of 

others". 

NILES: Ouch! 

FRASIER: And when I've knocked them reeling, I go 

in with a jab of Dorothy Parker; "Wit has truth in 

it, wise-cracking is merely callous thenix with 

words". 

NILES: Pow! 

FRASIER: And when they're bloody and against the 

ropes, I go in with the kill; Twain, Wilde, Twain, 

Twain, Mencken. 

NILES: It's not a fight, it's an execution! 

MARTIN: You know Frasier, if you go and read that on 

the air you're going to set yourself up for a year of 

abuse. You know, this kind of thing is probably 

the reason why these guys started picking on you 

in the first place. 

FRASIER: Dad, what exactly are you saying? That I 

somehow managed to bring all this misery on 

myself? 

MARTIN: No, I'm not saying that, well, have you ever 

wondered why these bullies have always kind of 

zeroed in on you two? 

NILES: No, we don't wonder why, we know the reason. 

Jealousy! 

MARTIN: Okay, so there's a little bit of that too but you 

know you kinda give people the impression that 

you're above them. 

FRASIER: Pish-tosh! 

NILES: Poppycock! 

FRASIER: Oh, Daphne, do you think we're snobby, 

superior and condescending? 

page 32


DAPHNE: That's it! I'm getting my door soundproofed. 

MARTIN: See what I mean? People think you're stuffy. 

You know with your opera parties, and your wine 

parties and your seasoned crepe pans. 

FRASIER: In my defense, Niles is the only one who 

seasons his crepe pans. 

NILES: Which is the precisely why I've had the same 

set since the ninth grade, thank you very much! 

MARTIN: My point is, you guys could never resist 

putting on airs. Even when you were in junior 

high, you used to love that TV program... "The 

Avengers". You used to run all over the 

neighborhood pretending you were that guy with 

the umbrella… Steve. 

FRASIER: Steed! There were worse role models. Steed 

was dapper and witty. When anyone tried to give 

him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with 

the umbrella. 

MARTIN: Well, that's great, admire him if you want. But 

did you have to run through the neighborhood in 

bowler hats? You were just begging to get beat up. 

FRASIER: Come to think of it, it was rather a rough 

summer that year, wasn't it? 

NILES: I remember getting a chin strap, so the 

bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran. 

MARTIN: And all that did was make you look like 

Elizabeth Taylor in "National Velvet". My point is, if 

you go down to the station and read that over the air 

then you might as well go down there in a great big 

bowler hat. I mean, people are never going to let you 

forget it. 

DAPHNE: You know, it's funny hearing you talk about 

"The Avengers". My first Halloween in America, I 

went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel. Head to toe in 

that skin tight black leather catsuit. Come to think 

of it, I still have it somewhere, and Halloween's 

coming up. 

page 33


MARTIN: Yeah, catsuit. (to Eddie) Better not let this guy 

hear you talking about that, he'll go nuts. 

NILES: I would not! (sees Eddie) be surprised if he did! 

FRASIER: Excuse me. (answers) Hello. Why, Roz, yes just 

calm down. No, I'm not listening. Hang on a second. 

Frasier turns on the radio. "Carlos and the Chicken" have put 

together a tape which sounds like Roz and Frasier having sex. 

CARLOS: I think we're going to have to throw a bucket 

of water on these two. 

CHICKEN: Roz and Frasier stopped around for a quick 

hello, next thing you know, they're getting it on 

in the booth! 

FRASIER: Do we have time to squeeze in one more? 

ROZ: Plenty of time, Frasier. Two more minutes. 

CARLOS: For a man carrying around a good fifty extra 

pounds of ass, Frasier Crane has got unbelievable 

stamina. Frasier, where do you get your energy? 

FRASIER: Lavender, rose hips and a little Tehesian 

Vanilla. 

CARLOS: Oh my God, they're changing positions. I've 

never seen that one before. 

FRASIER: Love does enter through the nose. 

Frasier turns it off. 

FRASIER: I'm going down there. Dad, don't try to talk 

me out of this, I'm going to teach those two a 

lesson, they'll not soon forget. Where's my 

umbrella? 

MARTIN: Oh, no, not that again, not the umbrella, I'm 

begging you. 

FRASIER: It's raining! 

KACL Radio Station. Frasier storms in. 

FRASIER: Roz, what are you doing here? 

ROZ: Getting revenge, that's what! These guys are 

going down. Did you hear the disgusting, vile 

things they said about me? 

FRASIER: Just the part about us having sex. 

page 34


ROZ: Exactly! And now they've got a photo contest 

about me, now, too. 

FRASIER: Roz, a thousand dollars for a shot of your 

behind? Sorry. 

ROZ: No, it's fifty bucks and a six pack. There were 

seven winners before I even left the house. Frasier, 

what shall we do? Slash their tyres, crack their 

windshields? 

FRASIER: I was thinking of a more direct approach. 

ROZ: I'm down with that too. Next commercial, I'll get 

the chicken, you take the big guy. 

FRASIER: No, no, that's not it and you know it, Roz. 

ROZ: I knew you'd say that. Fine, I'll take the big guy. 

FRASIER: No, Roz. Listen to yourself, you're lusting for 

blood like a barbarian. I have a more civilized 

approach in mind. I have composed a speech! 

ROZ: A speech? Well, unless you plan to roll it up and 

cram it down their throats, what good is that 

gonna do? 

FRASIER: Just watch me. 

ROZ: No, Frasier, they're never going to stop making 

fun of you. 

FRASIER: Roz, I don't care. I just figured out 

something, maybe you can't stop bullies from 

attacking you, but the only way they win is if they 

change who you are and I'll tell you something, let 

them do their worst. 

CARLOS: Holy Cow, look who just walked into the 

booth, Frasier Crane, the automatic sex pilot. 

CHICKEN: What's up, love-doctor? 

FRASIER: Oh, I think you two know what's up. There's 

only so much I can take, there's only so much 

anyone can take from a juvenile comic and his 

straight man. I believe it was La Roché Va Coe who 

first said... 

CHICKEN: Listen to me, I'll take my straight man over 

your sex starved producer any day, my friend. 

page 35


CARLOS: Hey, wait a second, I'm not your straight man. 

If anything, I'm the funny one. 

CHICKEN: Let's not start with this again, okay? 

CARLOS: You're the one who just started it, on the air! 

You always do this. 

CHICKEN: Hey Carlos, the therapist said not to use the 

word always. 

CARLOS: I just wish you could say I was as funny as 

you are. 

CHICKEN: Now, I wish I could say that too but who does 

all the funny voices? 

CARLOS: If I'm so unfunny, how come I get all the solo 

gigs? 

CHICKEN: Oh, now I'm laughing, ha-ha! 

CARLOS: Don't believe me? Ask our agent! 

CHICKEN: You talked to Zacri behind my back. 

FRASIER: You know if I could just get a word in... 

CARLOS: I'm going. 

CHICKEN: Go ahead, be my guest. 

CARLOS: Great, because I don't need you and I don't 

need "Carlos and the Chicken". 

CHICKEN: Oh, really? Well, best of luck, funny boy! 

CARLOS: Same to you, Dwayne! 

CHICKEN: Hey, that's not cool. 

FRASIER: Chicken! I believe it was La Roché Va Coe, 

the great French thinker... 

CHICKEN: I know, I went to grad school too. And it's 

pronounced (different) La Roché Va Coe. 

FRASIER: That's it! Nobody challenges my 

pronunciation! 

KENNY: Chicken! (to Frasier) Did you have to be so 

vicious? We got dead air, take over! 

FRASIER: Yes, right. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll be 

filling in for the next hour of the morning zoo with 

my own particular brand of zany antics. 

page 36

Frasier – Seven – 1

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