frasier – season eleven (6)

Detour 

Crock Tales 

Goodnight, Seattle 

FRASIER 

SEASON ELEVEN PART 6

frasier season eleven part six small black beetles: the overkill 

Café Nervosa. Frasier enters happily. 

ROZ: Well, you're in a good mood. What's up? 

Detour 

FRASIER: Actually... no, I'd better not. Don't want to 

jinx it. Besides, the mark of a true gentleman is 

discretion. 

ROZ: Okay. Listen, about your dad's bachelor party... 

FRASIER: Charlotte and I spent the night together. 

ROZ: I thought she was seeing that super-hottie Frank. 

FRASIER: Dumped him, thank you. 

ROZ: For you? I mean, wow, way to go! 

FRASIER: Yes, I know. It's funny I should end up with 

my own matchmaker, isn't it? 

ROZ: Yeah, that Frank was the whole package. Those 

eyes, that chin, that body that wouldn't quit... 

FRASIER: Yes, well, it didn't have to quit, it was fired. 

Now, you were saying something about my dad's 

bachelor party? 

ROZ: Weren't you having a problem deciding on the 

entertainment? Well, there's this girl in my spin 

class, and she does it all – strips, lap dances, movies. 

FRASIER: Really? Would I be familiar with her work? 

ROZ: I don't know, have you seen “Grinding Nemo”? 

Anyway, I invited her over here so you could 

check her out. She's going to be here any second. 

Her name is Amber Licious. 

FRASIER: Really, well, I'm afraid I can't do it right now. 

I'm meeting Charlotte for coffee. 

ROZ: Well, you can tell her yourself. Hey, Amber! 

FRASIER: Hello, how do you do, Miss Licious? I'm 

terribly sorry, but I've got something scheduled, so 

I'll have to postpone our interview. Perhaps we 

could meet this evening at my place, around 7:00? I 

live at the Elliot Bay Towers. 

AMBER: Can we make it 7:30? I have to go re-dub some 

groans for “He-Biscuit.” 

FRASIER: Well, I'll see you then. Good. 

Charlotte enters the cafe wearing a business suit. 

FRASIER: Hi! I'm sorry I had to dash off this morning. 

CHARLOTTE: It's OK. I have to dash off myself right now. I 

have to catch a train to Portland in twenty minutes. 

I'm giving a talk to the Northwest Businesswoman's 

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Association. I'm sorry. It's a good speech. I gave it 

last year to the Midwest Businesswoman's 

Association. Anyway, I'll be back Sunday night. We 

can have dinner then. I really should catch a cab. 

FRASIER: Maybe I could just drive you to the station. 

CHARLOTTE: Oh, you don't have to do that. 

FRASIER: No, I'd like to. Besides, I've always been a 

sucker for that romantic movie-ending goodbye - a 

fog-shrouded train platform, a passionate kiss. 

CHARLOTTE: With a romantic dip. 

FRASIER: Yes, well, maybe I am, but there are damn 

few of us left. 

On the road in Frasier's car. Charlotte is deep in thought. 

FRASIER: So, I could make us a reservation for dinner 

on Sunday. I would suggest Cucina. Charlotte... you 

seem a little distracted. Is there something on 

your mind? Charlotte? 

CHARLOTTE: Look, I really don't want to get into this 

now. Why don't we talk about it Sunday night? 

FRASIER: Please. I can't wait till Sunday. My imagination 

will torture me. 

CHARLOTTE: Okay. I'm moving back to Chicago in three 

weeks. It's not you. I bought my old business back 

from my ex. I know I should have told you sooner, 

but it was never the right time. Are you okay? 

FRASIER: I had to blab to Roz. Are you sure? 

CHARLOTTE: This all happened before we got together. 

FRASIER: Well, let's look on the bright side. I mean, 

Chicago isn't that far away. 

CHARLOTTE: I don't want a long-distance relationship. 

And neither do you. You said so on your 

application. 

FRASIER: But, you know, we still have three weeks. 

CHARLOTTE: Don't be hurt, but if someone called your 

show and said, "I'm leaving town in three weeks. 

Should I get involved with someone?" what would 

you say? 

FRASIER: I'd say it was foolish to take the plunge and 

bring up feelings that must be dashed, and so 

forth. But what do I know? I'm not infallible. 

CHARLOTTE: Frasier... Son of a bitch! 

FRASIER: Oh, I'm sorry. My hand slipped. 

CHARLOTTE: No, no, it's my train! Damn it! 

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FRASIER: Oh, dear. All right, look, the next station isn't 

too far. I'll bet I can beat the train. 

Another train station. The train rushes by. 

FRASIER: Well. Round two to Amtrak. I could drive us to 

the next station? 

CHARLOTTE: All right, but, you do know you're going to 

have to drive a little faster. You do realize we got 

passed by a school bus and a prefab home. 

FRASIER: Point taken. 

CHARLOTTE: I really do appreciate this. 

FRASIER: Oh, it's all right. Didn't have anything else to 

do. Oh, dear. I've got to make a call. Could you hold 

the wheel, please? I just got this. It's a hands-free 

unit. It's, much, much safer. 

Cafe Nervosa, where Daphne and Niles are speaking. 

DAPHNE: Can't we just meet her? Everyone in Frasier's 

building raves about her, and I hear she's unhappy. 

NILES: I just hate the idea of poaching the Steingartens’ 

nanny. 

DAPHNE: I seem to recall you poaching another 

man's fiancée once. 

NILES: Oh, Daphne, I was in college. I... oh, you mean... 

(cell phone rings) I'm sorry, I have to get this. Hello? 

FRASIER: Niles. Listen, you remember that idea we 

proposed about Dad's party? The entertainer. … No, 

no, the stripper. Well, I found one! 

NILES: Daphne's fine, thank you for asking! She's right 

here beside me. 

FRASIER: Niles, I'm supposed to interview her this 

evening at 7:30 at my place. I can't make it. 

Something came up. You'll have to do it for me. 

Niles, if you're worried about Dad being there, he's 

got a date with Ronee tonight. 

CHARLOTTE: Don't we want south? 

FRASIER: Listen, Niles, I know that you get nervous 

around fan dancers and their ilk, but you have got 

to conquer your fear... Thank you! I'll talk to you 

later. Goodbye. 

CHARLOTTE: South! 

FRASIER: What, I'm sorry? Oh, dear, you know, perhaps 

it would be best if you just said left or right. It's not 

like there's a compass in the car. Oh, well, I'll be 

damned. 

CHARLOTTE: What's that red light? 

page 4


FRASIER: Oh, that. That's nothing to worry about. It's 

been on for months. I think there's something 

wrong with the bulb. 

The "door open" warning beeps. 

CHARLOTTE: Cell phones don't work here. Please tell me 

you know what's wrong with the car? 

FRASIER: Not a clue. I opened the hood as a mere 

formality. 

A country home. A rustic, pleasant woman opens the door. 

FRASIER: We're terribly sorry to bother you, but our car 

has broken down. 

SUE: Well, come on in out of that cold! My husband 

knows everything about cars. Harbin, these 

people's car broke down. Go take a look at it for 

them. Harbin! Well, just have a seat and have a cup 

of coffee and warm up. I'm Sue, by the way. 

FRASIER: Gosh, you seem to be preparing for some 

sort of party. 

SUE: Well, Harbin's mother passed away, so people 

will be coming over tomorrow. 

CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. We should get 

out of your hair. 

SUE: Oh, no, please! The company will do us good. I 

mean, Harbin really perked up when you came in. 

CHARLOTTE: Really? He seems to be crying in our car. 

SUE: Excuse me. Harbin! For goodness sake, pop the 

hood! You will have to excuse him. He was very 

attached to his mother. A little too attached for my 

taste. (then) Hi, baby! Hi! 

Her son Jonathan has a bald head, and is very creepy. 

JONATHAN: Who are these? You want a butterscotch? 

CHARLOTTE: No, I'm good. So, what are you making? 

SUE: Art. He won't let any of us see it until it's 

finished. 

Harbin re-enters. 

FRASIER: So how's our car? Can we just scoot right away 

from here? 

HARBIN: No. I'll have to drive to town tomorrow for the 

parts. So, what happened? 

FRASIER: Well, we were just driving along the highway, 

and then suddenly the engine just died. 

SUE: (to Harbin) Will you please cut out the hangdog 

bit, Mr. Welcome Wagon? We've got company! Get 

page 5


in there, show them some manners. Offer them a 

place to stay for the night. 

HARBIN: Of course, you'll have to spend the night. 

CHARLOTTE: No, we really, really couldn't. There must 

be a hotel in town. 

JONATHAN: What does this look like, Lancaster? 

SUE: It's no problem. You could bunk with Jonathan, 

and Charlotte, you could have the fold-out. 

JONATHAN: I'll help make up your bed... 

CHARLOTTE: No, that's OK! We'll stay together. 

SUE: Oh, well, are you married? Because we don't want 

to set a bad example for... 

FRASIER: Oh yes, yes. We're married! 

Frasier's apartment. Martin is speaking on the phone. 

MARTIN: Hey, Ronee. It's me. I've got to interview a new 

physical therapist to fill in for Daph, so pick me up 

fifteen minutes later, OK? Just have a drink. Well, 

have another one. Really? Maybe I'll pick you up. 

Niles in the elevator, also on the phone. 

NILES: Frasier? You're too busy to answer the phone – 

but I'm just about to interview this stripper, and I 

have no idea what to ask. I just hope Dad doesn't 

walk in and spoil the surprise. I'm already 

developing some sort of aversion-based mouth 

dryness as we speak. This is Niles, by the way. 

He enters the apartment. Martin emerges from the kitchen. 

NILES: Oh! Frasier is going to split a case of oloroso with 

me because we both like oloroso, but he's not here, 

so I'll stop bothering you. Nice chatting. 

Outside Niles runs into a young woman wearing a sweat outfit. 

NILES: Oh! Are you here for the interview? The place is 

a mess. Do you mind if we talk in the lobby? So, 

how long have you been doing what you do? 

BECKY: Oh, years now. At first I just did it for friends, 

but then I thought, "Why am I giving this away 

when I can make money at it?" Here are my 

references. 

NILES: Oh, I didn't know you people had references. Let 

alone... the mayor? 

BECKY: Yeah. I started with him, and now I do most of 

the city council. 

NILES: Well, that's good enough for me. You're hired. 

BECKY: Shouldn't your dad meet me before you decide? 

page 6


NILES: Oh, no. We don't want him to see you till you're 

taking off your clothes. 

BECKY: What are you talking about? And why are you 

sweating so much? 

NILES: I'm sorry. I'm just a little ill-at-ease around... 

sex workers. 

BECKY: Ew! Get away from me, you freak! 

The elevator reaches the lobby, and she rushes out. 

DAPHNE: Hi. What are you doing here and why are you 

so sweaty? 

NILES: I was talking to Dad about my case of oloroso. 

DAPHNE: Oh. Well, if it doesn't clear up by tomorrow, 

you should call a doctor. (on her cell phone) Oh! Hello, 

Kathy? Listen, I'm going to be up in 1901, and I was 

wondering if we could finally meet. Oh, that's 

wonderful! Don't even call it an interview. Everyone 

says you're the best nanny in Seattle. Good, I'll see 

you up there then. 

Daphne exits to find Amber waiting at the door. 

DAPHNE: Oh, wow, that was fast. Please, have a seat. 

AMBER: Oh, thanks. Right after this I have to go pick up 

a new teddy. 

DAPHNE: Oh, that's so sweet. Well, I'll make this quick 

then. We're not expecting anything fancy. Just the 

basic burping, diapering, and so forth. 

AMBER: Okay, I guess I'm game for that. 

DAPHNE: Oh, wonderful! Why don't I make some tea 

and we can talk. 

AMBER: Did you want me to wear something special? 

DAPHNE: Oh! Since you asked, I've always been partial 

to a simple white nurse's uniform. 

AMBER: It's a classic. 

MARTIN: I thought I heard some talking out here! I'm 

Marty Crane. So, Daphne give you the third 

degree? 

AMBER: Oh, not really. 

MARTIN: Oh, well, that's good. I think she's a little 

sensitive, you know, about being replaced. She's 

been doing me for ten years. 

AMBER: Oh! But then she got pregnant. 

MARTIN: Right, right. But you know, lately, she's been 

having me up on the table. I like it better on the 

floor. The floor all right with you? 

AMBER: It's your dime. 

page 7


MARTIN: Well, maybe you could show me your stuff. I'll 

never hear the end of it if I don't take you out for 

a spin. 

AMBER: Oh, sure. I just need to change. 

MARTIN: Oh, yeah, the powder room's right there. 

DAPHNE: Where did she go? You didn't drive her off, 

did you? 

MARTIN: No, not at all. I like her. Of course, we won't 

really know until we see her in action. 

Amber now enters, wearing a red lingerie outfit. 

MARTIN: You're hired! 

The country home. Frasier enters, carrying Charlotte’s suitcase. 

CHARLOTTE: You've been gone for twenty minutes! 

FRASIER: Harbin was just giving me a tour of my engine. 

HARBIN: You've got either a blown rod bearing or a 

loose pin. If we had a stethoscope, I'm sure we could 

tell the difference. 

FRASIER: Yes, well, you know, I'm so hopeless with 

cars. I know I would just misdiagnose it. 

JONATHAN: Friend Charlotte. Where's your ring? I 

thought most married women wore a ring, yet your 

hand is bare and white. 

FRASIER: Yes, it is. That's because this is the hand that I 

fell in love with. A hand too perfect for the profanity 

of gold or-or platinum. After all, what diamond 

could possibly rival the sparkle in those eyes? 

HARBIN: I'll take my coffee in the living room, you 

don't mind! 

SUE: If that will make you happy, Harbin. Shall we? 

JONATHAN: This is Grandma. We are having the wake 

here tomorrow. 

HARBIN: Mama loved to party. 

SUE: Yeah, she loved to party all right. With me as her 

personal slave and handmaiden, doing all the 

cooking and the cleaning and the wiping her sorry... 

Sugar? 

FRASIER: You know, we're a bit tired, really. Maybe we 

could just turn in? 

HARBIN: Well, help me get the cushions off the fold-up. 

We'll make up the bed. 

FRASIER: You mean we're sleeping in here? 

SUE: Well, there's Mama's bed. But that's in our room. 

FRASIER: This'll be fine. 

page 8


Later that night. Frasier and Charlotte are in bed. 

CHARLOTTE: Did you hear that? What do you think he's 

doing down there? 

FRASIER: Well, how should I know, he's your friend. 

Jonathan enters and opens the casket. 

JONATHAN: Grandma? It's Jonathan. I just wanted to tell 

you that our little secret is still safe. 

CHARLOTTE: Well, this tops anything that would have 

happened at the Portland Radisson. 

Harbin enters, and opens the casket. 

HARBIN: Hi, Mama! I can't believe I'm not going to get 

one more hug. What's that? One more? I better go. 

I'm sorry I scraped your head with my watch. 

FRASIER: You know... he said the same thing to my 

engine when he opened the hood. Charlotte... I'm 

afraid we're making a terrible mistake. 

CHARLOTTE: Frasier, I'm not switching sides again. 

FRASIER: No. I mean writing off these three weeks just 

'cause you're moving. I had a great time with you 

today, and with somebody else it would have been 

a disaster. 

CHARLOTTE: With somebody else, I would have been in 

Portland. 

FRASIER: Come on, you know what I'm talking about. We 

have a lot of fun together. And why deny ourselves 

the chance to have even more? I know the sensible 

thing would be to just end it now, and walk away. 

And normally that's what I would do, but... I don't 

want to be sensible. 

CHARLOTTE: But we'd only have three weeks. 

FRASIER: I know. It'd be like a summer fling. 

CHARLOTTE: But wouldn't we be sad when it ended? 

FRASIER: Of course we would. That's what happens. 

You're sad when summer's over. Well, I never was. I 

always looked forward to the new school year, when 

I would buy my books... 

CHARLOTTE: Are you going to talk all summer? 

page 9


Kitchen. Frasier is talking on his cordless phone. 

Crock Tales 

FRASIER: Yeah, I had a great time today too, Charlotte. 

Nothing, really. I’m having the folks over for 

dinner. Just the family and Roz. Well, I’ve done it a 

thousand times before. Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow. 

(reaches for a small vessel on the counter) For God’s sake... 

this thing breaks like crockwork. Crockwork, I’ll tell 

you... Frasier, once again you’ve suffered the tragedy 

of being clever, and alone. 

Frasier comes out of the kitchen. He begins to set the table. 

FRASIER: Oh for God’s sake, Dad, would you please 

throw that thing away? 

MARTIN: Why, what for? When I get through gluing it, 

it’ll be as good as new. 

FRASIER: It wasn’t any good when it was new! It’s just 

an ugly, worthless pot. Oh, hi Daphne! How was 

the honeymoon? 

DAPHNE: Oh, Tahiti was absolute paradise – except for 

poor Niles getting sunburned. 

FRASIER: Oh dear, Niles. You look like you’ve crawled 

out of a bisque. 

NILES: And you look like someone who doesn’t want his 

Paul Gauguin souvenir oven mitt. 

FRASIER: Niles, you remembered. 

DAPHNE: You’re a bit dressed up for a family dinner. 

FRASIER: Oh well, Roz is dropping by with someone 

she wanted me to meet. 

NILES: Ooh, a lady friend? 

FRASIER: No, we’re going to form a jazz trio, Niles. Of 

course it’s a lady friend, you cherry-faced fool. 

MARTIN: So you want us to clear out? 

FRASIER: No, you don’t have to do that. If I don’t like 

her, Roz will just take her away. We’ve agreed upon 

a safety word: enchanté. If circumstances should 

dictate, all I have to do is say it, and Roz will know 

that I’m not interested. 

The doorbell rings. 

FRASIER: Niles, would you mind getting that? That’s 

probably Roz. I’m just going to get rid of Dad’s arts 

and crafts project here, all right? 

page 10


ROZ: Oh hi - hey, you guys are back! Hey, Martin. This 

is my friend Lisbeth. 

NILES: Yes, come in, this is Daphne and Martin. Can I 

get you a glass of wine? 

ROZ: Oh, please! Frasier has the greatest wine. 

LISBETH: Oh, sounds good to me. Life’s too short to 

drink bad wine, right? 

NILES: Amen to that! 

LISBETH: Just a half a glass, with club soda. (to Roz) You 

know how I love my spritzer. 

ROZ: Frasier, this is Lisbeth. We were just shopping in 

the neighborhood, and thought we’d stop by. 

FRASIER: Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Elizabeth. 

LISBETH: It’s not Elizabeth, it’s “Lisbeth.” 

FRASIER: Ah, like Lisbon! 

LISBETH: Like what? 

FRASIER: Enchanté. 

LISBETH: Right, and meeting you was just... super. 

FRASIER: Yes, the feeling is mutual. Enchanté, 

enchanté, enchanté. 

LISBETH: And for me it’s just been super. Super, super! 

ROZ: I took a shot. 

FRASIER: Well, I guess we can stop shaking hands now. 

LISBETH: Oh well, I’m ready whenever you are. 

FRASIER: Well, then just let go. 

LISBETH: I did, you’re holding on to me. 

FRASIER: What? Oh, dear. Dad, what kind of glue were 

you using on that pot? 

LISBETH: How could you be so stupid as to glue us 

together?! (to Roz) I thought you said he was smart! 

NILES: Don’t panic, I seem to recall that Superglue can 

be dissolved with acetone – you know, nail polish 

remover. 

FRASIER: School lunches! The Kriezel brothers used to 

glue a cafeteria tray to his tie. 

DAPHNE: Well, I suppose we’d better get some. Let’s go 

to the drug store. 

LISBETH: No, I gotta go. I started the new juice diet, and 

I got sixty-four ounces of cran-raspberry looking for a 

new home. 

FRASIER: Dad, could you put on some music, please? 

Just turn the damn thing on! 

page 11


Living Room. It is evening. Frasier opens the door to Roz. 

FRASIER: Happy birthday, Roz. 

ROZ: Whatever. Used to be I’d go out and get a little 

wild on my birthday. Now I go out and get a little 

dinner. 

FRASIER: There’s nothing wrong with dinner. 

ROZ: I know, but it used to come with sex. 

MARTIN: Sounds like we got another passenger on the 

S.S. Ain’t Getting Any. 

NILES: Hello! Wonderful day, marvelous day, you two 

look grand, where’s Daphne? 

MARTIN: Who shoved a bluebird into you? 

FRASIER: You know the S.S. Ain’t Getting Any? Man 

overboard. 

NILES: Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal 

delights. 

MARTIN: Did you say “carnal” or “caramel”? I’d better go 

wrap Roz’s birthday gift. 

NILES: Oh! I forgot about Roz’s birthday. You don’t have 

anything I could give her, do you? 

FRASIER: Well, let’s look, maybe one of these books... For 

God’s sake, Niles! I mean, how could you forget her 

birthday? It’s the whole reason we’re having 

dinner. 

NILES: Well, forgive me, I’ve been a little distracted 

lately. Especially last night! And again this morning. 

Oh, dear God, if Daphne knew I was speaking so 

indiscreetly, she’d be mortified. 

Kitchen 

DAPHNE: And just when I thought I’d worn him out, he 

flips me over like a griddle cake, and off we go 

again! I couldn’t catch my breath, it was like a 

marathon! I tell you, he’s spoilt me for any other 

man. 

ROZ: Niles? Frasier’s brother Niles? 

Living Room. The ladies come out of the kitchen. 

FRASIER: Okay, birthday girl, come on over here and 

open some gifts. 

ROZ: It’s a crock. With a chipped lid. And a dead bee. 

Thank you, Niles. 

DAPHNE: Oh, you know, I think I left your present in my 

room. Niles, will you help me with it? 

NILES: Of course. We’ll be back very quickie. Quickly. 

MARTIN: You don’t think they’re gonna...? 

FRASIER: Oh, I have no idea. Try not to think about it. 

page 12


Living Room. Martin is watching a baseball game on TV. 

FRASIER: Dad, I bought you these headphones, so that I 

wouldn’t be subjected to your sports drivel. Please 

put them on. 

MARTIN: All right, I will. But only if you say it. 

FRASIER: I WANT YOU – to wear those headphones! 

MARTIN: I don’t know why you care, you’re just going to 

be out riding on that stupid parade float. 

FRASIER: The KACL Fourth of July float is not stupid! 

Unless you think it is stupid to commemorate a 

hardy band of revolutionaries, their minds ablaze... 

MARTIN: (puts on the headphones) Hey, you’re right, this 

does cut out all the drivel! 

FRASIER: Oh hey, Daph. My God, you look hideous. 

DAPHNE: Thank you. Now I wouldn’t normally wear 

polyester on the hottest day of the year, but some 

English friends of mine are having an Ugly 

American party in honor of the Fourth. We’re gonna 

toss back a couple a’ cold brewskis, watch the ball 

game, and not use the metric system. 

NILES: Hello, Uncle Sam. Didn’t you just hand me a 

flyer for a mattress sale? 

FRASIER: Listen, Roz is running a little late, so we’re 

just gonna meet her downstairs, all right? Dad! We’re 

off! See you later! 

MARTIN: Oh, okay, good luck! Boy, these are great. Now 

I can watch TV without bugging anybody. 

Frasier looks to the red-white-and-blue drapes on his balcony. 

FRASIER: Wait a minute. Is my bunting a-droop? It’s 

supposed to drape evenly – oh, for God’s sake. 

DAPHNE: You’re not going to send me back to the Space 

Needle with binoculars and a walkie-talkie again, 

are you? 

FRASIER: No, there’s no time for that. We can fix it on 

the fly. It’ll just take a second. Niles, grab that end. 

Daphne closes the door and the handle comes off in her hand. 

DAPHNE: This shouldn’t come off like this, should it? 

Living Room. Martin doesn’t hear or see. 

NILES: He can’t hear us. We’re stuck out here, what are 

we gonna do? 

FRASIER: All right, let’s not panic. You know what, 

maybe some of our neighbors are out on their 

balconies, we’ll just call out to them. Roz, how long 

does a baseball match last? 

page 13


ROZ: Well, usually three hours, but... This sucks, I don’t 

even have my cell phone. Don’t you have your cell 

phone, Frasier? 

FRASIER: Roz, I’m Uncle Sam, I don’t have a cell phone. I 

shouldn’t even have this zipper. 

DAPHNE: It’s going to be a hundred degrees out here, I’m 

roasting in these things! That’s it, these clothes are 

coming off. 

Living Room. Niles is a little drunk. The phone rings. 

DAPHNE: Coming! Hello, Crane residence. Hello, Mum, 

Happy Thanksgiving. Yeah, it’s the holiday where 

everyone eats turkey. … No, we’re having goose. 

FRASIER: When you’re finished with that, could you 

please bring us some snacks to soak up this wine? 

NILES: Yes, and a little more wine. Who knew my 

sorrows would be such strong swimmers? 

DAPHNE: I can’t talk right now, Mum. Dr. Crane has 

guests. Yeah, he’s still out of work. Of course I’m 

worried he might let me go. I worry about it every 

day. But I’m coping. 

Roz comes out with a baby bag. 

ROZ: Alice is so cute. She fell asleep hugging her 

bottle. 

NILES: I’m right behind her. 

FRASIER: Niles, will you please stop being so morose? It 

is Thanksgiving. 

NILES: Oh, you’re right! I should count my blessings: 

I’m in the midst of a bitter divorce; Maris is 

freezing my assets, forcing me to live in the 

Shangri-La, which is the devil’s own apartment 

complex – where last night they turned off my heat, 

re-freezing my assets! 

FRASIER: We’re all going through a bit of a rough 

patch. Look at Roz and me, we’re out of a job. 

ROZ: Oh, not me. I just took a phone temp job in 

customer service. I can work from wherever I am, 

they just patch the calls through. 

FRASIER: Well, now you see? There’s a positive 

attitude! Some people see losing a job as an 

opportunity! 

ROZ: (on her cell phone) Hello? Yes, this is Monique. I’m 

just lying in the tub, soaping myself all over... 

FRASIER: Good heavens, Roz! Is that the sort of customer 

you’re servicing?! Hang that up! 

page 14


ROZ: Call me later, Tiger, okay? What? It pays the 

bills, and I’m not tied to a desk. 

FRASIER: Not unless they ask you to be! 

MARTIN: Good news, the Cowboys just scored. Bad news 

is, I kinda screamed and woke somebody’s baby up. 

FRASIER: Oh Daphne, my bath salts man has just 

delivered a new shipment of my proprietary blend – 

could you please run me a tub tonight? 

DAPHNE: Oh, of course I will, Dr. Crane. What would 

you do without me? (to Niles) A little more? I know 

things have been tough lately, but they’ll turn 

around for you. Just watch. 

NILES: She’s an angel. You’re right, Frasier. I’m being 

too morose. I’m not taking action. I’m telling 

Daphne I love her, tonight! 

FRASIER: Niles, let’s not be rash. Come on, let’s get 

you some fresh air. 

NILES: I don’t want air, I want Daphne! 

ROZ: Is everything all right? What’s wrong with Niles? 

Daphne sticks her head out and hears. 

MARTIN: He decided that today’s the day he’s going to 

tell Daphne. 

ROZ: He’s gonna tell Daphne with all of us here? 

That’s gonna be uncomfortable. 

MARTIN: I know, but I guess he figures he just can’t 

afford to wait any longer. 

Daphne decides to confront Frasier. 

DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, I know what you’re going to do! And 

you can’t fire me, because I quit! After all I’ve done 

to save you money! I’m washing my face with dish 

soap while you’re out buying imported bath salts like 

a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors’ prison! 

NILES: She’s an angel! 

Living Room. Morning. Frasier sees a woman to the elevator. 

FRASIER: I’ll pick you up at seven, my angel. You’d 

better get used to the name “Evelyn Griebel,” 

because you’re going to be hearing an awful lot of 

it around here. Evelyn Griebel – sounds like music, 

doesn’t it? 

DAPHNE: Haven’t you only been dating her a week? 

FRASIER: Well yes, and you know how loath I am to use 

the expression “she may be the one,” but I think in 

this case it’s appropriate. 

page 15


Niles comes out of the hallway in a huff. 

NILES: I finally got Maris calmed down. I hope you’re 

happy. 

FRASIER: All I said was, “Maris, why the long face?” 

NILES: Yes, and now she’s on the phone to her chingrinder 

in Zurich. 

ROZ: Sorry I’m late. How’s your new girlfriend? 

FRASIER: I allowed her to climb to the first base camp 

on Mount Crane and I believe she’s feeling the 

effects of the altitude. 

ROZ: Is one of them nausea? 'Cause I’m getting that 

right now. 

At the table, Martin holds up the crock. 

MARTIN: Hey, you hungry, Roz? There's cheese here. 

Oh, nobody opened it. 

FRASIER: Dad, that’s three years old! Throw it out! 

MARTIN: No, it’ll be fine. Sure you don’t want any? The 

label says it’s “famously spreadable.” 

NILES: Funny, Roz, doesn’t your label say the same 

thing? 

ROZ: What does yours say, Niles – “may cause 

drowsiness”? I’m just having some fun, ‘cause I 

know I’ll be settling down someday. 

FRASIER: Yes well, thank God my dating days are 

over! Three years on the Seattle singles scene is 

quite enough, thank you. 

The phone rings, Frasier answers. 

FRASIER: Hello? Oh hi, Evelyn. (to the others) She can’t go 

five minutes without talking to me. (into phone) 

Listen, I’m really looking forward to dinner 

tomorrow... I see. Well, if tomorrow’s no good... I 

see. But you said you were having such a lovely 

time... I see. Perhaps I’d better take this in my 

room. … Oh, what are you smirking at?! 

Living Room. Frasier is reading a book. Eddie is staring at him. 

FRASIER: What are you staring at? 

MARTIN: It’s fourteen. You’re reading about Jack Russell 

terriers, right? That’s how many years they live – 

fourteen. 

NILES: Maris has taken to her bed. This large-earring fad 

has compressed her spine. Where is your enchanting 

new home healthcare worker? 

DAPHNE: I just found out what that second toilet in my 

loo is for! Talk about a shock! Hello. You’re, oh, 

don’t tell me, I’m good with names. Miles Crane! 

page 16


NILES: Yes, I am! And you’re Daphne Moon, from 

Manchester, where you developed a liking for 

Nickerson’s Lemon Biscuits. 

DAPHNE: What a kind man you are, Miles Crane. 

FRASIER: Oh by the way, I’ve invited Roz Doyle to join 

us – she’s my producer over at the radio station. She 

had no plans this evening – you know, I think the 

poor thing has a hard time meeting men. 

Anyway, would you care for a scotch, Niles? 

NILES: Yes – actually, I’m in a sherry mood tonight. 

FRASIER: Sherry? What an intriguing idea. Think I 

could scare up a bottle of sherry. Oh hi, Roz, come 

on in. I’d like you to meet my dad. This is Martin 

Crane, and his home healthcare worker, Daphne 

Moon, and of course this is my brother, Niles Crane. 

DAPHNE: Oh my God, is it Niles? Oh, I feel so 

embarrassed. 

NILES: Oh no, please, don’t be. Actually, I prefer Miles. 

The doorbell rings again. 

MARTIN: Oh, that’ll be my pizza. Could you get it? 

FRASIER: You are not having pizza. I made a duck. 

MARTIN: You’re gonna tell me what I can eat now? 

FRASIER: No, I’m just saying that it’s rude to bring your 

own food to a dinner party. 

Frasier opens the door to the pizza delivery boy – Kenny. 

KENNY: Hi. Twelve bucks. Hey, aren’t you that new radio 

shrink at KACL – Dr. Frasier Crane, right? 

FRASIER: Yes, yes I am. It’s always nice to meet a fan. 

KENNY: Well actually, I’m in the radio game myself. 

This pizza thing is just paying the bills until a job 

opens up. Maybe you could put a good word in 

for me down at the… 

Frasier shuts the door in Kenny’s face. 

ROZ: Pizza smells good. 

MARTIN: Have some. It’s called a Dirty Dozen. Twelve 

delicious toppings, and not one of them duck. 

FRASIER: This from the gourmet who dumped my 

Cornish Yarg cheese down the disposal. 

MARTIN: It was covered with mold! 

FRASIER: It was supposed to be! 

MARTIN: Well, I said I’d replace it, didn’t I? And here it 

is, I hope you’re happy. 

FRASIER: “With pasteurized, processed, cheese-flavored 

snack food.” Dear God, it looks like someone melted 

down a highway cone. 

page 17


MARTIN: Just trying to be nice, you don’t need to be a 

jerk about it. 

FRASIER: You’re right, Dad, I’m sorry, thank you. (to Niles) 

Would you please join me in the kitchen...? Miles! He 

is driving me batty! All right, we are making a 

deal. He spends six months here, and then he’s 

moving into your house. 

NILES: Absolutely, we’ll switch off. 

MARTIN: Someone bring me a beer? 

FRASIER: I should have just gotten a keg. I tell you 

something, this is the last time I try to make a nice 

dinner for these people! 

page 18


Airplane Cabin. 

ANNE: I hate flying. 

Goodnight, Seattle 

FRASIER: Just a little turbulence, we’ll be through it in a 

minute. … Mother of God! 

ANNE: This is so embarrassing. I mean, I treat people 

for this. I’m a psychiatrist. 

FRASIER: Well, there’s a small world, I’m a psychiatrist 

too. Dr. Frasier Crane. 

ANNE: Ooh, I’ve heard your show. Dr. Anne Ranberg. 

Nice to meet you. Now, don’t let me interrupt you. 

You seemed kinda deep in thought. 

FRASIER: Oh, I suppose I was. It’s been a rather 

eventful three weeks for me. 

ANNE: Well, if you want to talk about it, it might get our 

minds off the flight. 

FRASIER: It’s really rather personal... It’s nothing you’d 

be interested in. So I was dating this woman... 

Bedroom. Frasier and Charlotte are in each other’s arms. 

CHARLOTTE: Weren’t we on our way to lunch? 

FRASIER: Yes, but then you followed me in here when I 

came to get my briefcase and uttered the fatal phrase 

that no man can resist. 

CHARLOTTE: I said I liked your pillow shams. 

FRASIER: Nice try, my little temptress, but I’m down for 

at least an hour. 

CHARLOTTE: Do you still have time for lunch before 

work? 

FRASIER: Well, my show doesn’t start till two, and it’s 

only... Oh dear God! 

Radio Station. Roz is stressing on the phone. Kenny bursts in. 

KENNY: Where the hell is he? 

ROZ: I don’t know. I called his cell, I called his house... 

You’re going to have to go on for him. Well, I’m 

not. Last time I did it, it was a total disaster! Aren’t 

you always saying you used to be a DJ? 

KENNY: Oh, twenty years ago, I can’t do that anymore! 

ROZ: Well, it better come back to you, you’ve got five 

seconds. 

page 19


KENNY: I can’t! I’m a nervous wreck! My palms are 

sweaty, my mouth is like cotton... Hey, Emerald 

City, Kenny Daly heerrre! Master of the Mike, Baron 

of the Booth, the Man of the Hour, too sweet to be 

sourrrr! The doctor’s ouuuut today, but Kenny’s 

heerrre - filling the seat, takin’ the heat! I might 

even throw in a call or two to Grandma Gert. But no 

kids, I hate kids! Whoo-hoo, she’s in a mood today! 

Charlotte's listening to Kenny as Frasier gets dressed. 

KENNY: Who’s this coming into the booth? Why, it’s 

Percy Von Snootenheim! 

FRASIER: Turn that off! I’m sorry I have to rush off. I 

wish we could spend the whole day together. 

CHARLOTTE: I don’t leave for Chicago until midnight. I’ll 

come over and make you dinner. Any requests? 

FRASIER: I liked what I had for lunch. 

Radio Station 

KENNY: Isn’t that a great song, people? Really brings 

back the memories. Sorry I kinda forgot the words 

there in the middle. So let’s toss it to the news! 

Frasier sneakily enters from the producer’s door. 

ROZ: Where the hell have you been? 

FRASIER: I’m sorry, I had a doctor’s appointment, it 

couldn’t be helped! 

KENNY: Just in time, Doc. This turned out to be one 

of your better shows. 

An old friend suddenly appears in the booth 

FRASIER: Bebe?! What are you doing here? 

BEBE: I just came by to see my favorite client, and the 

wonderful man who’s giving him such a happy, 

happy home. Good news, I’m busting you out of 

this hellhole! Did you ever hear of Dr. Mark 

Reisman? 

FRASIER: The San Francisco radio psychiatrist? Yes, we 

had a nice encounter once at a conference. 

BEBE: Well, last week he had a not-so-nice encounter 

with a falling air conditioner. Anyway, they want 

you to replace him and the money’s huge! 

FRASIER: Poor Mark... what a ghastly way to die! 

BEBE: Yes, I cried so hard it was all I could do to 

stuff your demo tape in the Fed-Ex pouch. But they 

want you! 

FRASIER: Well, it’s very tempting, Bebe, but I’m very 

happy here in Seattle. I don’t want to leave. 

page 20


BEBE: Darling, it’s San Francisco! Do you know what 

life is like there for a good-looking straight man? 

You’ll be like a Snickers bar at a fat camp! 

FRASIER: My answer is still no. 

BEBE: Well, that’s gratitude for ya! Do you have any 

idea the lengths I went to to make this happen? 

FRASIER: Wait a minute. You were in San Francisco last 

week. Don’t tell me...! 

BEBE: I was nowhere near that air conditioner. You’re 

worse than the police. 

Kitchen. 

CHARLOTTE: We are such a cliché! Little woman at the 

stove, big rugged man with his brawny arm... 

Living Room. Martin enters from his bedroom. 

FRASIER: Dad, I thought you were going out with Niles 

and Daphne? Charlotte is leaving for Chicago in 

three hours. This is our farewell dinner. 

MARTIN: Hi, Charlotte. Don’t worry, we’re leaving. I’m 

not going to spoil your romantic mood. 

The doorbell sounds. 

FRASIER: Good heavens, I thought that you were 

meeting them downstairs. 

MARTIN: That’s what I thought too. 

KENNY: Hey, Martin. Oh, thank God you’re home, Doc. 

I’m going a little crazy, I need some advice. 

FRASIER: Kenny, we just put dinner on the table. 

KENNY: Oh thanks but I’m too worked up to eat. Doing 

your show today, I got the fever! I want to get back 

behind the mike. But should I quit my job, throw 

away my whole career and financial security just to 

chase some cock-a-mamie dream?! 

FRASIER: Yes! Off you go! 

KENNY: You didn’t even have to think about it! You 

always believed in me, Doc! I’m getting all messy 

here. Let me just pop into the powder room real 

fast. 

RONEE: Well, have a great evening, you two. Oh damn it, 

my contact slipped, hang on. (opens the powder room 

door) Do we know him? 

NILES: Knock-knock. Now, I know it’s your special night 

but my very pregnant wife insisted we come up. 

DAPHNE: Oh sorry, won’t be a minute. (opens powder 

room door) Oh, sorry! I’ll just run down the hall. 

CHARLOTTE: Maybe I’ll start over on that dinner. 

page 21


NILES: I’m sorry for intruding, but nowadays Daphne 

can’t go ten minutes... we’re late for everything. 

FRASIER: Yes, well, you know how Chez Henri hates it 

when people are Late, so I tell you what, why don’t 

we call for that elevator right now... and tell Henri 

that the first round of drinks is on me! 

Frasier opens the door to find another surprise. 

SIMON: Whiskey, please! Oh Frasier, how are ya? Oh, 

there’s my little sister. You’re not so little any more 

now, are you? I heard you were knocked up so I 

brought you a present. Come on in, lads! 

DAPHNE: Oh my God, Michael! And Stephen! 

SIMON: We knew you’d be here when we went to your 

house and you weren’t there. 

STEPHEN: So we took the liberty of leaving our things 

in your guest room. 

NILES: How did you get in? 

MICHAEL: So, lads, I tell you what... You’ve a lovely 

house. He’s done bloody well for himself. 

SIMON: That’s right, Michael. Frasier does very well for 

himself. Tell you what, let’s take the tour. 

FRASIER: There will be no tours! 

MARTIN: Listen, why don’t you guys join us for dinner? 

STEPHEN: Good, I’ll lay the table. Is this real silver? 

MICHAEL: Oh, wow, see, it’s a bloody great ash tray. 

FRASIER: Put that down! 

Kitchen. Charlotte's cooking. Simon's fondling her from behind. 

CHARLOTTE: You know, we could have some real fun if 

you got rid of some of those people. 

SIMON: Oh, just give us a minute then, love... 

Living Room. Frasier runs over to catch Charlotte coming out. 

CHARLOTTE: Who is that creep? 

SIMON: I’m getting some very mixed signals. 

FRASIER: All right, that’s it! I want you all out of 

here! And I do not mean a leisurely exit, I mean a 

break-neck, trampling-each-other, this-theatre’s-onfire 

stampede! 

SIMON: Yeah, all right, okay, I can take a hint, Frasier! 

Right. Look, that’s a lovely woman that you’ve got for 

yourself. Congratulations. (to Charlotte) Give us a call, 

I’ll be at Daphne’s... 

FRASIER: Oh, get out of here! 

page 22


Three hours later. Frasier and Charlotte are finishing up their 

final game of Scrabble. 

CHARLOTTE: Could I borrow your “F”? I’ve got a little 

message for you. … My car’s here. 

FRASIER: I still don’t know why you won’t let me drive 

you to the airport. 

CHARLOTTE: No, I can’t stand all that airport goodbye 

stuff. This is better. 

FRASIER: Right. I have a little something here for you. 

CHARLOTTE: Damn it. I knew you were going to do 

something sweet like that. I didn’t get you anything. 

FRASIER: It’s just a hair band I found in the shower 

drain. 

CHARLOTTE: This wasn’t supposed to be so hard. 

FRASIER: I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough 

easy goodbyes. I’m kinda glad to have the chance to 

have another tough one. 

CHARLOTTE: Thank you for a great three weeks. 

The next morning. Niles walks in, carrying a shopping bag. 

MARTIN: Oh hey, Niles. What are you doing here? 

NILES: Escaping. I woke this morning to find Daphne’s 

brothers playing a game called “I Can Reach It From 

Here.” Give you a hint, the “It” was a toilet. And 

there were no winners. Oh, also I stopped by to see 

how Frasier’s holding up. 

MARTIN: Well, he was asleep when I got home, and he’s 

still in bed. 

NILES: He’s probably depressed. I’m sure this whole 

Charlotte thing has got him bereft... Frasier, I 

brought you some of those cookies you like. 

MARTIN: I made you a little breakfast. 

FRASIER: I see what’s going on. You think I’m in tatters 

because Charlotte’s gone back to Chicago. Well, I’m 

not. I’m not going to say I won’t miss her like 

crazy. But we knew going in that our time was 

limited. We made the most of it. I have no regrets. 

SIMON: Morning! 

FRASIER: Except for leaving that door unlocked. 

DAPHNE: We thought you might like to join us for 

brunch. 

FRASIER: Darn! Niles and I just reserved a squash court. 

NILES: And we’re on thin ice with the appointments 

director as it is. He’s already moved our lockers 

next to the flip-flop drop. 

page 23


DAPHNE: I think I need to sit down a minute before we 

go. Can you believe this baby might be two weeks 

late? 

STEPHEN: He’s a Moon, all right! Every lad in our family 

was at least two weeks late. Once we get comfy, 

nothing budges us. Right, lads? 

FRASIER: Do you have any idea what he’s saying? 

NILES: Not a word. Apparently Stephen was dropped 

as a child. 

FRASIER: Well, I thought the mumbler was Michael. 

NILES: He was dropped on Michael. The idea that our 

son might take after them is making me crazy! 

FRASIER: Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane 

genes are in there too. 

NILES: Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably 

beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money! 

That is why I am taking action. I was going to 

wait to do this until tonight, but I can see that every 

minute is critical. This is called “The Born Musician.” 

You put this speaker on the mother’s stomach, and it 

bombards the baby with classical music, thus 

instilling a taste for higher culture. 

FRASIER: Huh. Closest thing we had to that was Dad 

bongo-ing out “Babalu” on Mom’s belly. 

Living Room. Daphne is admiring a new watch on her wrist. 

DAPHNE: Niles, look what Stephen just gave me. You 

know who’ll be jealous? Mrs. Zicklin from our 

building. Doesn’t she have one just like this? 

NILES: No, I don’t think she does. I brought you a 

present too. This plays soothing music for the baby. 

You put this speaker here just like that, and then if 

you want to hear a selection of, say - oh, I don’t 

know, Vivaldi? – you turn this dial, and then... 

The baby kicks, knocking the speaker to the floor. 

DAPHNE: Oh goodness! He’s never kicked like that 

before. 

STEPHEN: We’ve got a little footballer in there! 

SIMON: Finally we got something we can drink to! 

MICHAEL: Well, let’s go to the pub! (singing) We hate 

Nottingham Forest, we hate Liverpool too... and 

Leeds! We hate Manchester... 

Daphne leaves. Ronee enters with the cordless phone. 

RONEE: Marty? I just got off the phone with the 

Branford Inn. They called to confirm our wedding 

reservation – for May 15th. 

MARTIN: But we’re getting married July 15th. 

page 24


RONEE: Yes, but they have us down for May. 

Apparently July 15th is booked, along with every 

other weekend between now and October. 

MARTIN: What happened? 

RONEE: I don’t know, you made the reservation. 

MARTIN: For July 15th! (to the boys) Well, I love how she 

blames me! Why would I randomly pick a...? Oh no. 

May 15th – Eddie’s birthday. Well, I’m sure you can 

find someplace else. 

MARTIN: Oh, but we had our hearts set on the 

Branford Inn. It’s where we had our second date. 

RONEE: Yeah, we had a little too much wine, and the 

couple at the next table said “get a room,” and so we 

did. Oh, well, guess we better start thinking about 

Plan B. 

MARTIN: Oh, damn. Well, I just feel sorry for Ronee. 

You know, her first wedding was kind of bareboned, 

and that’s why she had her heart set on 

something special. You know, a fancy menu, swing 

band, flowers everywhere. You need that once in 

your life. 

FRASIER: You know, Dad... Niles and I have been 

wondering what to get you for your wedding, and... 

maybe we could just give you the wedding. 

NILES: You still have the Branford Inn on the 15th. 

MARTIN: But that’s eight days away! You have to get a 

caterer, a justice of the peace... 

FRASIER: Well, I can officiate. I still have my license 

from that time I married those commitment-phobes 

on my Valentine’s Day show. 

MARTIN: Ronee, the boys think they can throw a fancy 

wedding together by May 15th. 

RONEE: But that’s in eight days! 

NILES: Well, it only took us four days to throw 

together our seafood-themed “Friends of the Marina 

Bouilla-bash.” 

RONEE: Well, that’s great of you guys, thank you! 

MARTIN: Wow, what do you know? 

RONEE: Yeah, leave it to the Duke and Duchess to save 

our behinds! 

FRASIER: I’m sorry, leave it to whom? 

RONEE: What, they don’t know about that one? 

MARTIN: Just keep walking. 

page 25


The Branford Inn. A group of dancers is rehearsing. 

FRASIER: Dancers, rehearsal is over. Please wait 

upstairs. I don’t want anyone to see you until the 

floor show. I’m sorry, we’re still setting up. Clint, 

would you please go outside and tell everyone they 

can’t come in here until after the ceremony. It 

will spoil the entire reveal. 

NILES: You can’t blame them, it’s ninety degrees out 

there. It’s dripping wet… I hope our Chinese 

acrobats are sufficiently rosined. 

RONEE: You guys are amazing! 

FRASIER: Well, I’m glad you like it, but listen, you’ve 

gotta go get changed, you’re getting married in ten 

minutes. 

MARTIN: Oh yeah, sorry, traffic was bad. We got stuck 

behind this old bus. A church group, I think. 

FRASIER: Good, our gospel choir is here! Niles, go make 

sure they’re fitted with their angel wings and give 

them all a meal voucher! Roz, I’m sorry, I can’t let 

you in, I know it’s warm out there. I’ll tell you what, 

go have a cool drink with Kenny. 

ROZ: I just did, he told me all about his new D.J. job. 

FRASIER: Oh, well, good for him! I’ll come down and 

give him a hug. 

ROZ: Well, bring a towel, he just sweated through a 

hammock. This sucks! The softest boss we ever had 

is leaving. Come on, Frasier, let me in. 

FRASIER: Oh, all right, Roz. I can’t say I blame you, it’s 

like the Ninth Circle of Hell out there! 

BEBE: Do you love this weather or what? 

FRASIER: Bebe! What are you doing here? 

BEBE: Your strategy worked, you genius. Turning 

down the San Francisco job. They’ve offered you 

twenty percent more money, and thrown in a 

weekly TV gig on the morning news. 

FRASIER: Television... well, that certainly sounds 

tempting, but but my home is here! There are more 

important things than money! 

BEBE: Yes, I know. There’s power. But money can buy 

that. You don’t like the terms of the deal, I’ll have 

another swing at it. Did that old man just faint? 

FRASIER: What? Oh, good lord! That’s my cannon 

operator! At the end of the ceremony, he’s supposed 

to fire that antique cannon. I’m not sure there’s 

anybody else who knows how to work the damn 

page 26


thing. Oh... Niles...! Our cannon man is down – 

heatstroke. 

NILES: Our flower girl is down – drunk. Apparently 

someone gave her champagne. 

FRASIER: Who would give liquor to a six-year-old girl? 

Simon! Did you give our flower girl champagne? 

SIMON: I may have. Well, the poor little thing was 

nervous about getting her part right. 

FRASIER: Oh, great! Still no flower girl, and now no one 

to fire our cannon! 

STEPHEN: If it’s a cannon you need fired, Michael’s 

your man. 

DAPHNE: Oh yeah, he’s a great one for shooting things. 

Which foot is it that’s missing two toes? 

FRASIER: All right then, come along, all of you. See if 

you can figure out this thing. Now, your cue to fire 

it is when I say, at the end of the ceremony, “ladies 

and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Martin Crane.” Got it? 

NILES: Is Eddie growling? 

DAPHNE: It’s his stomach. The poor thing hasn’t eaten 

since morning. 

FRASIER: Oh, for God’s sake, we can’t have him 

rumbling up the aisle. Give him some of that paté 

over there. Ooh, Roz! Do you think that we could 

enlist Alice to be our flower girl? Oh, that’s splendid 

news! Here, take these rose petals. You’re supposed 

to strew them in the aisle as you lead the procession 

in and out. 

NILES: You know what, I guess I’d better give our ringbearer 

his precious cargo. 

FRASIER: Roz, her cue to lead the procession out at the 

end of the ceremony is when I say, “ladies and 

gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Martin Crane!” (the cannon 

fires) NOT NOW! 

Niles is looking for something. 

DAPHNE: What are you looking for? 

NILES: The ring. I dropped it when that cannon… 

DAPHNE: It’s in the pate! Eddie, no! 

FRASIER: This is just our luck! When the gun went off, it 

startled a truck driver, he slammed into a 

lamppost. Now the entire roadway is blocked! Can 

anything else go wrong at this wedding? 

page 27


The Branford Inn. Daphne re-enters. 

DAPHNE: There’s a veterinarian’s five minutes from 

here, I’m sure he can make Eddie cough up that 

ring. 

FRASIER: All right then, off you go, both of you. Hurry! 

We’ve only got the skywriter until five! Clint, would 

you please turn up that air conditioning to the 

maximum? That ice sculpture over there is by the 

renowned artist Arthur Nudzac and it’s melting 

already! 

CLINT: We just blew out the compressor. 

FRASIER: Don’t just stand there, please, call a repairman. 

ROZ: Frasier! You have got to let these people in! 

FRASIER: Yes, Roz, I’m sorry, I know it’s warm... 

ROZ: No, it’s not the heat. That truck that just crashed 

was full of cattle. 

FRASIER: Well, the sound of gentle mooing in the 

background might lend a pastoral effect. 

ROZ: Cattle, Frasier – large, un-diapered cattle that just 

heard a cannon go off! 

FRASIER: All right, I’ll handle this. Wedding guests, we 

thank you for your cooperation and your patience... 

People, people, please! 

Vet’s Office. The vet is a young man named Dr. Hauck. 

HAUCK: Here are your pills, twice a day. Who’s next? 

NILES: Actually, we have an emergency here. Our dog 

swallowed a ring, and it’s holding up a whole 

wedding. 

RACHEL: Go ahead, I can wait. 

HAUCK: Boy, no easy ones today. Talk about hitting 

the ground running. 

NILES: Is this your first day? 

HAUCK: Yep. I’m not in Kansas anymore. Now if you 

hold his mouth open for me, I’ll see if I can get his 

paw down his throat... I’m just kidding... you know 

what, why don’t I just take your pooch to the other 

room here, and I’ll be right back. 

DAPHNE: He has no idea what he’s doing. 

NILES: Oh, he’s just new at this, he’s nervous. 

DAPHNE: I’ve been a bit nervous myself lately, ever 

since my brothers showed up. The way they keep 

patting my stomach and saying, “he’s a Moon all 

right!” And every time they say that, all I can think 

is, what if he’s not? What if he’s like you and 

page 28


Frasier? A Moon boy I know how to handle. But 

what if he’s a little genius – teasing me in French by 

the time he’s six? 

NILES: That is so funny – I’ve been worried he’s gonna 

turn out like one of your brothers. I was sure when 

he kicked that speaker off your belly, that you had a 

little Simon in there. 

DAPHNE: They are a handful, my brothers. I can just 

imagine the hell they’re raising back there. 

NILES: With an open bar? 

DAPHNE: Oh my God, my water just broke! The baby’s 

coming! 

NILES: Because I said “open bar”?! Don’t panic, there’s 

plenty of time to get you to a hospital. Call an 

ambulance, my wife’s having a baby! 

DAPHNE: There’s no time for an ambulance! Oh! 

HAUCK: Oh my God! You know what, why don’t you call 

9-1-1... and I’ll just get started here. Wait, wait, wait! 

I’m going to wash my hands! 

DAPHNE: Are you sure you know what you’re doing?! 

HAUCK: Oh, I’ve assisted in many deliveries, ma’am. 

In fact, one just took blue ribbon at the Kansas State 

Fair. Easy now, you’re doing great, girl. 

DAPHNE: Don’t call me that, I’m not a bloody poodle! 

NILES: (into phone) Yes, hello! We’re at 1206 East Vilage 

Road, my wife’s gone into labor! (to her) They say 

the hospital is twenty miles away, can you make it 

if I drive you? She says no. All right, they’re on their 

way, now you just calm down. Focus on me, and 

breathe. Breathe... 

The Branford Inn. Frasier is presiding over chaos. 

FRASIER: Roz, do not open a window until they tow that 

cattle truck! 

ROZ: God, it’s a million degrees in here! We gotta get a 

breeze... 

MARTIN: Oh my God! What’s that smell? 

FRASIER: There’s been a bit of a mishap with a cattle 

truck, and the A.C.’s out. But no matter! Right, 

people? It’ll take more than that to mar our joy at 

seeing these two become Mr. and Mrs. Martin 

Crane! (the cannon goes off, then his cell phone rings) 

Hello? Finally, Niles! Stop babbling! Listen, Niles, 

you’ll have to speak up, I can’t hear you with that 

baby screaming in the backgr... Oh my God! 

page 29


Vet’s Office. Daphne is holding her newborn son. 

RACHEL: If you can part with him for just two seconds, 

I should finish cleaning him up. 

NILES: We can’t thank you two enough. Really, if there’s 

ever anything that we can do for you... 

RACHEL: You can do me one quick favor: my Jason is 

kind of overdue for his lunch. 

MARTIN: Boy, some day, huh? Getting married and 

meeting my grandson all in the same afternoon. 

The door opens. Niles is holding a monkey under his arm. 

NILES: Hey, you guys! You’re just in time, come on in! 

MARTIN: (to Frasier) Don’t stare, you were no prize at 

that age either! 

Daphne walks in with the baby. 

FRASIER: Oh my God, he’s beautiful! 

RONEE: That twin’s gonna be jealous his whole life. 

RACHEL: Your ambulance should be here any minute, 

so I think I’m gonna go. 

MARTIN: (tickles the baby) Hey there, you! I’m the one 

who’s gonna spoil you rotten. 

DAPHNE: Oh, you’re so sweet to come down. But what 

about your wedding, all those people? 

MARTIN: Oh, they’ll keep. 

RONEE: Yeah, as long as there’s an open bar. 

DAPHNE: (to the baby) Ooh! Settle down there. 

Niles looks nervous. Outside they hear an ambulance siren. 

NILES: Oh, I guess that’s our ride. I’m so sorry we’re 

going to miss your wedding. 

RONEE: Oh, so are we. Hey, wait a minute! Why don’t 

we just get married here? I mean, we’ve got the 

rings, and the preacher... 

MARTIN: Well, I’m game. Get cracking, Fras! 

Frasier takes some speech cards from his pocket. 

FRASIER: You know, I’d better condense this just a bit... 

No, I don’t need that... and I don’t need that. All 

right... “It was the great thinker Horace Walpole...” 

MARTIN: Don’t need that. 

FRASIER: Well, all right then... “Dearly beloved, we are 

gathered here...” 

ROB: Someone call for an ambulance? 

MARTIN: Just a couple seconds, please. 

FRASIER: All right, Niles, why don’t you give them the 

rings? I’ll just cut to the chase here. Do you, Martin 

Crane take Ronee Lawrence to be your lawfully 

page 30


wedded wife, forsaking all others, until death do you 

part? Do you, Ronee Lawrence, take Martin Crane...? 

DAPHNE: Oh, I’m tearing up. 

FRASIER: You know, if they’d let me say what I 

planned to, you’d be bawling your eyes out right 

now. … By the power vested in me, I now pronounce 

you man and wife. 

NILES: We’re so happy for you both. And, you will 

always remember your anniversary, because it’s the 

same day as your grandson’s birthday. 

MARTIN: Yeah, and Eddie’s! Never mind. 

RONEE: Eddie’s birthday is today? So that’s how you 

came up with May 15th for the hotel? I knew it! 

And you’ve been blaming the inn all this time – 

oh, you are so busted! 

MARTIN: That was a short honeymoon. 

Apartment. It is evening. Frasier is enjoying a book. He closes 

his book, picks up the cordless phone and dials. 

FRASIER: Hello, Lilith. Hey, it’s me. Yeah, listen, I was 

just calling to check out how Freddy’s doing. What, 

a new one? I thought he was smitten with the old 

one. Well, you know, he gets that from me. Back in 

my heyday, I had a new chess coach every month. 

Well, I’m spending a lot of time alone lately. You 

know, Dad and Ronee are still on their honeymoon. 

Oh yes, they thank you for that very thankful radon 

detector you sent. Not seeing much of Niles and 

Daphne either, because they’re so busy with the 

baby... Oh! Sorry to keep you. Yeah, just tell Freddy 

to call me. Okay, bye, Lilith. 

Someone rings the doorbell. It's a Moving Man. 

MAN: Here to pick up a chair? Sorry I’m late. Been 

waiting long? 

FRASIER: Eleven years. Be careful with it. (picks up the 

phone) Bebe, hi, listen, about that San Francisco job... 

I think I’ll take it. 

Café Nervosa. Frasier takes his seat with Noel and Gil. 

GIL: Have you heard anything, Frasier? The new 

station manager. They’re announcing today. 

GIL: My stomach is in knots. I just know they’re going 

to replace sweet, kind-hearted Kenny with some 

ruthless, Draconian... 

NOEL: ...hard ass! 

GIL: That would hardly make up for it. 

page 31


FRASIER: I’ll let you know if I hear anything, guys. 

BEBE: It’s done. When destiny calls, Bebe calls back 

and screws destiny to the wall. 

FRASIER: Shush, shush. I don’t want anyone to find 

out. I’m not telling my family until this evening. 

Listen, I have something for you. I’ve decided to 

give away some of the things that I’ve 

accumulated through the years. As sort of a fresh 

start, you know. (hands her a piece of jewelry) 

BEBE: My baby’s all grown up. I look in your eyes and I 

see something there that I’ve never seen before. 

FRASIER: Wisdom? 

BEBE: Crow’s feet. Sorry, darling, but you’re going to be 

on TV now. I talked to my face man, he can see you 

at four o’clock. 

FRASIER: Thanks, Bebe, but no thanks. 

BEBE: I’m not talking surgery. Just talking a little 

tweaking, twenty minutes. I’ve used him for years. 

FRASIER: And I’m sure he’s very good at what he does, 

but still it’s just not me.... 

A short, balding fat man sticks his head round the door. 

STEVE: I’m done next door, so I’ll be in the car, Mom. 

FRASIER: Four o’clock it is. 

Roz is talking on her cell phone. 

NOEL: You heard something, didn’t you? 

GIL: She’s ashen with terror. Spit it out, Roz. Who’s the 

jack-booted tyrant whose fanny I’ll be kissing till God 

knows when? 

ROZ: Me. 

GIL: Joyful news, your majesty. 

FRASIER: You?! Congratulations! Aren’t you excited? 

ROZ: I don’t know. It just hasn’t sunk in yet. 

FRASIER: Well, that’s understandable. I remember when 

I heard that my advice would be heard by millions 

of people and... 

ROZ: It just sunk in! I’m the boss! Who wants to go 

have champagne? 

FRASIER: Oh gosh, Roz, I’d love to, but I have to go to a 

doctor’s appointment. Can you come to my place 

for dinner tonight? Oh gosh, I’m so happy for you. 

ROZ: I’m just so excited. (grabs Noel & kisses him on the lips) 

GIL: Well. Was that worth waiting for? 

NOEL: He asked you a question, Roz. 

page 32


Frasier’s Apt. Frasier is on the phone in the kitchen. 

FRASIER: Bebe, it’s Frasier. When you get this, call me, 

please. I want to thank you for sending me to that 

quack of yours today! He screwed something up 

and now my eyes won’t stop watering. 

RONEE: Does anyone know what this big occasion is? 

We had plans and Frasier made us cancel. 

DAPHNE: We’re not sure either. He said he had some 

sort of an announcement to make. 

ROZ: Is Frasier okay? I think he was crying in the 

kitchen. I hope he’s okay. He’s been at the doctor 

an awful lot lately. He went today and he missed a 

whole show because of an appointment last week. 

MARTIN: He hasn’t said anything to us. 

Frasier enters with a serving tray and a china plate. 

FRASIER: Ronee, I saw you admiring this China 

pattern. Well, I’d like to make a gift of them to you 

as a complete set. Niles, I know how much you’ve 

always coveted this chess set. And I want you to 

have it. 

NILES: But this is your favourite. This is the one you 

learned on. 

FRASIER: Which is why I want it to be the set that 

you teach that son of yours to play on. I haven’t 

forgotten about you, Roz. I’ll be right back. 

NILES: Well, now, let’s not get alarmed. It’s marriage in 

the air and a new baby, it’s just brought out his 

sentimental side. 

The phone begins to ring. The machine picks up. 

DOCTOR: Frasier, it’s Dr. Hanning. I’m really sorry 

about your results. I know it doesn’t look good but 

I’m going to do everything I can for you. Call me. 

MARTIN: Do you think that’s why he brought us all here 

tonight? 

FRASIER: Here we are, Roz. I thought this art deco 

mirror seemed like you. (she sobs deeply) Well, that 

just shows you. I thought I’d get the bigger reaction 

from the chess set. 

NILES: Frasier, what’s going on here? 

MARTIN: Yeah, giving all your stuff away? You’re not 

going anywhere, are you...? 

FRASIER: Well, I didn’t want to say anything until after 

dinner so as not to bring down the party, but... I 

see you’re all ahead of me. Listen, a couple of weeks 

ago I got some unexpected news. (Niles begins to sob) 

Now, you see, this is exactly what I was trying to 

page 33


avoid. You mustn’t think of my leaving you as a 

sad thing, because I don’t. I think of it as an 

adventure. (Daphne falls into tears) We all knew we 

weren’t going to stay together forever. I mean, 

that’s not what life is about. Cry, if you must, but 

I assure you, when I pass through that Golden Gate 

I will be smiling! 

MARTIN: Golden Gate? 

FRASIER: Yes! That’s where I’m moving to! San 

Francisco! My new job. I start next week. Now, don’t 

just sit there choking back the tears. Go ahead, let 

them out. 

The end of the party. 

FRASIER: To San Francisco. It’s just an hour by plane, so 

I’ll be coming back up as often as you like. 

MARTIN: Don’t worry about us. We’re happy for you. 

FRASIER: I’m happy for myself. And scared too. But it’s a 

good scared. Sort of the way I felt when I came here 

from Boston. If I hadn’t done that, just think of 

what I would have missed out on. 

NILES: And, look what I would have missed out on. 

(looking at Daphne & David) God, they are so beautiful. 

MARTIN: And they’ll stay like that as long as she keeps 

breast-feeding. 

DAPHNE: Niles, could you take the baby? I need to get a 

blanket. 

Martin is laid out on Frasier’s designer Eames chair. 

MARTIN: Mmmm, this is pretty comfortable. I would 

have been okay with this! 

FRASIER: Let me just help you with some of those 

dishes. 

Niles lays David down. 

NILES: To think I had myself all worked up worrying 

that we would have nothing in common. 

MARTIN: Oh, I’ve been there, Niles. It all works out. 

RONEE: Well, Marty, we better get going. I’ve got a 

crazy morning. 

ROZ: Me too. I’ve got a seven-thirty and then I’ve got to 

fire someone. 

DAPHNE: Who? 

ROZ: Whoever scheduled the seven-thirty meeting! 

FRASIER: Well, if you really must go, all right, but I tell 

you what, don’t go without taking some of these 

éclairs with you. 

page 34


FRASIER: I’m on TV next week and the only thing worse 

than seeing them going to waste would be seeing 

them go to my waist! 

ROZ: Does it mean you’re really leaving? What will I 

ever do without you? You’re the sweetest, most 

wonderful... 

MARTIN: It’s okay, Roz. He’s not going 'til next week. 

FRASIER: Let her talk, Dad! 

ROZ: You’ve always been like a brother to me. Which 

is weird, I know, because we slept together, but... 

DAPHNE: Move over. Do you know how many operas 

I’m gonna get dragged to now you’re not around? 

FRASIER: I promise I’ll fly up for all the German ones! 

MARTIN: Yeah, and he’ll be here for Christmas and 

Thanksgiving and birthdays and... we’ll be sick of 

this guy! 

FRASIER: Yeah, Dad’s right. I mean, once I’m gone 

there’ll be no getting rid of me. 

NILES: You already made me cry once tonight. That’s 

quite enough. 

FRASIER: Right. Coffee tomorrow? 

NILES: Ten-thirty. I’ll miss the coffees. 

FRASIER: You all know how I feel about you, and the 

only reason I’m leaving is because I want what all of 

you have now: a new chapter. Who knows if it’ll 

even work out? But it’s like that Tennyson poem 

Mom had us recite for you when we were kids. Do 

you remember? 

MARTIN: I think we’re about to. 

FRASIER: It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, It 

may be we shall touch the Happy Isles, and though 

We are not now that strength which in old days 

Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we 

are... 

KACL. Frasier is finishing the same Tennyson poem. 

FRASIER: Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will 

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield. … I’ve 

been thinking about that poem a lot lately. And I 

think what it says is that, while it’s tempting to play 

it safe, the more we’re willing to risk, the more alive 

we are. In the end, what we regret most are the 

chances we never took. And I hope that explains a 

little this journey on which I’m about to embark. I 

have loved every minute with my KACL family and 

all of you. For eleven years you have heard me say, 

page 35


“I’m listening.” Well, you were listening too. And for 

that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle. 

Airplane Cabin. Frasier finishes his story to Anne. 

FRASIER: We had a big party that night. It was all very 

sweet. We’ve touched down. 

ANNE: Already? Well, thank you so much, I’ve never had 

an easier flight. 

FRASIER: I’ve never had more delightful company. 

ANNE: I think it’s great what you’re doing. 

FRASIER: Well, I just know I’d always regret it if I didn’t 

take the chance. 

PILOT: Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to Chicago... 

FRASIER: Wish me luck. 

page 36

frasier – season eleven (6)

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