frasier - eight - 1.pdf

FRASIER
SEASON EIGHT PART 1
And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon
The Bad Son
The Great Crane Robbery

And the Dish Ran Away
With the Spoon
The Winnebago. Niles is driving, Daphne is in the passenger seat.
NILES: I can't believe this!
DAPHNE: Neither can I!
NILES: What made you change your mind?
DAPHNE: My little niece, Audrey, the flower girl. She looked
up at me and said "You're the saddest bride I've ever
seen." I figured who was I kidding if I couldn't fool a
four year old with an eye patch?
NILES: Remind me to give her a car for her preschool
graduation.
DAPHNE: The next thing I knew, I was climbing out the
window of the loo!
NILES: You mean you didn't tell Donny?
DAPHNE: I didn't tell anyone. Can't you get this thing
moving any faster?
NILES: Well, I would, but we have to watch out for speed...
bumps.
DAPHNE: I've never done anything this crazy! Are you
nervous?
NILES: Only that I'm gonna wake up.
Niles cell phone rings and he reaches for it.
DAPHNE: Don't answer it! It's probably your brother
wondering if you've seen me.
NILES: Maybe it's Mel wondering why it's taking me half
an hour to put on insect repellant. Here we are: the end
of the driveway. Which way shall we go?
DAPHNE: Well, to the right is Seattle, and to the left I guess,
is Canada.
NILES: Any thoughts?
DAPHNE: Well, what's left for us in Seattle? Ex-wives, an exfiancée...
a tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.
NILES: Yes, but an excellent symphony and world-class
dining.
DAPHNE: Then there's Canada: a fresh start, a chance for
adventure.
NILES: Grizzly bears.
DAPHNE: I don't care! Just pick one, let's go!

NILES: Maybe we should just...
DAPHNE: No! We can't think about that. I just ran out on
my wedding, I can't go back. I need you to be strong.
NILES: For you, I have the strength of Hercules.
The cell phone rings again.
DAPHNE: They're not going away, are they?
NILES: If you want to keep going, I'll go.
DAPHNE: No. We better go back and face the music. We
should make things right.
NILES: Ok. (answers the phone.) All right, we're on our way
back! Excuse me? No, there is no Wendel Fong here.
DAPHNE: This is gonna be frigging awful!
NILES: Well, maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes you build these
things up in your mind, and they turn out not half as
bad as you thought.
Donny's point of view
DAPHNE: That being said, I guess there's no easy way to
tell you this: I'm in love with Niles, and I can't marry you.
Donny, are you all right?
Frasier's BMW.
MARTIN: Anyone try those little crab cakes? What? They
were good.
FRASIER: All right, Dad! We just had front row seats for what
is arguably the most disastrous wedding in history.
Can't just ignore it with a lot of inane chitchat.
NILES: Did you try that mustard dip that went with them? It
was good. Frankly, I prefer a little inane chit chat to
talking about what actually happened back there.
DAPHNE: Poor Donny. I've never seen him so upset. I just
wish I'd broken the news to him in a carpeted room
instead of the rock garden. I just can't help feeling that
our happiness has come at the expense of Mel and
Donny.
MARTIN: There was no easy way out of this. But you guys
did the right thing coming back. I'm proud of you both.
NILES: Thanks Dad. And thank you, Frasier. As painful as
it was back there, we owe you a debt of gratitude.
Daphne and I are here now because of you.
FRASIER: Please, Niles, I really didn't do all that much. Just
a minor pluck of Cupid's bow.
DAPHNE: Nonsense. You set this whole thing in motion.

FRASIER: Stop it. I'm blushing! Just seeing you two kids
together is thanks enough for me. Although I wouldn't
turn down a bottle of '82 Latour.
MARTIN: Isn't that my Winnebago pulling out from the gas
station?
FRASIER: Oh, I'd say so. You know, Dad, I'm amazed you let
Simon drive that thing.
MARTIN: It'll be fine. I gave him a lecture about drinking
and driving.
FRASIER: He did understand you were discouraging it?
MARTIN: Of course. … Uh-oh.
DAPHNE: Just hope he gets my family to the airport on
time. I wouldn't want them to miss their plane if you
get my drift.
MARTIN: Yeah, it's them all right. Look, it's all your brothers
waving from the back.
They look shocked.
FRASIER: Living up to the Moon family name I see.
Frasier's Apartment.
DAPHNE: So did Simon get you home all right after
dropping my family at the airport?
ROZ: Oh, yeah. He entertained the whole neighborhood
trying to parallel-park the Winnebago. The highlight was
when he flattened a whole row of newspaper racks.
MARTIN: How many did he get? My record's five.
DAPHNE: I suppose he followed that up with some sort of
clumsy advance.
ROZ: Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost. Then he hit on
my babysitter! She showed him why she's the star of her
soccer team.
DAPHNE: You know, Mom claims he was dropped as a
child. I think he was thrown. I can't thank you enough
for helping me return these wedding gifts. I've been
dreading it. Just reminds me of how many people I've
disappointed.
MARTIN: Daph, you really outdid yourself on these corn
muffins today. They're light... moist... corny...
DAPHNE: He's just being so sweet to me because of all of
this.
MARTIN: No, I mean it! They're delicious!
DAPHNE: He hates them. Watch this. You know, if you
finish those up, I'll make another batch. In fact, I'll fill
the freezer and we'll have them with every meal.

MARTIN: All right, I give up! Try to do something nice
around here.
Simon comes in the front carrying a couple of gifts.
SIMON: Right, that's the last of it. Look sharp, Daphne!
He tosses a gift, which falls to the floor with a shattering sound.
DAPHNE: Simon, you idiot!
SIMON: Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist, I already
dropped it in the elevator.
DAPHNE: I think you've helped enough for one day.
MARTIN: Simon, how about a little breakfast?
SIMON: Oh, no thanks, Marty. I've already had a lovely
crispy golden waffle and a foamy cappuccino down in
the Winnebago.
MARTIN: The Winnebago? That doesn't have a waffle iron or
a cappuccino maker.
DAPHNE: Wait a minute, these gifts look like they've been
unwrapped and then wrapped again. Simon!
SIMON: You know what that is, Daphne? That's a bread
maker, which you did not register for. Some people are so
bloody thoughtless.
DAPHNE: That's stealing! These gifts are going back!
SIMON: Never! Returning used merchandise is unethical.
And I for one will never be party to it.
Daphne opens the door, it is Niles.
NILES: So... returning wedding presents, I take it. That's
one problem Mel and I avoided by eloping. No presents
to return when...
SIMON: When you shag someone else's wife?
DAPHNE: Simon! Would you like some coffee?
NILES: Oh, I'd love some. Here, let me help. Ooh, Dad,
those look good. What are they?
MARTIN: Doorstops.
NILES: How'd you sleep last night?
DAPHNE: I didn't. How 'bout you?
NILES: Not a wink. You know, as pleasant as it was riding
up and down that driveway yesterday, I think it hardly
qualifies as a date, so I have a surprise for you. I made
reservations for tonight at Au Pied du Cochon, and after,
we're going dancing at the Starlight Room. It'll be our first
official date. You free?
DAPHNE: Wow, this is awfully short notice. Can I get back
to you? Of course I'm free, you silly sausage. It sounds
wonderful!

NILES: Daphne, about us… I think we shouldn't rush into
anything, like living together, or even... physical
relations until I have the situation resolved with Mel.
You have any thoughts about that?
DAPHNE: Oh, I'm so relieved. I feel exactly the same way.
We need to get to know each other in this whole new
light first.
NILES: We're completely simpatico.
DAPHNE: Yes. Although, you know, in some respects,
we're much further ahead than most couples. I already
know how you take your coffee. Cream. One sugar. And
two lips.
She turns and they kiss again. Frasier comes into the kitchen.
NILES: No, I don't see anything in your eye.
FRASIER: For God's sake, I got news for you: the cat is
out of the bag!
DAPHNE: Well, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not used to
kissing the boss's brother in the kitchen. Not that I'm
used to kissing him any other place. I mean, any other
room...
FRASIER: Yes, yes, Daphne, I know what you mean! So, how
are you two doing?
NILES: We're deliriously happy, of course. Although I keep
thinking about Mel and how she must be feeling today.
Niles cell phone rings, he goes to the back of the kitchen.
DAPHNE: Poor Donny. He must be devastated. I'll never
forgive myself for that. Maybe I should go and see him.
FRASIER: I wouldn't, Daph. You know, Donny and Mel have
suffered a terrible blow. They'll need space and time to
lick their wounds. Believe me, in the emotional state
they're in, the last thing they'll want is to speak with
either of you.
NILES: Hold on. Frasier, could you hold it down? It's Mel.
FRASIER: The woman never misses an opportunity to show
me up!
ROZ: Daphne, Simon is opening your gifts.
DAPHNE: Bloody hell! Simon, give me that!
SIMON: Roz, you little snitch! You know, I'm starting to have
serious doubts about whether you're gonna be the future
mother of my children.
ROZ: Somewhere out there, the future mother of your
children just lifted her head from a puddle of drool.
SIMON: Yeah, but I'll bet she's got a ripper body.
MESSENGER: Daphne Moon? (handing her flowers) These are for
you. And so is this. Consider yourself served.

NILES: Well, you won't believe this: Mel insists on seeing
me. Wonderful flowers, who are they from?
FRASIER: Well, I can't read the card from here, but I'd say
they're from Donny.
NILES: Is he trying to get you back?
DAPHNE: Oh, he's getting me back, all right. He's suing me!
SIMON: Call me crazy, but you know what I think we all
need right now? A nice pot of fondue. I'm sure I've seen
one in here somewhere.
Donny's Office. Frasier enters Donny's office, which is dark.
FRASIER: Donny? Are you in here? It's kind of dark in
here. You think maybe we could turn on the light? There
we go, that's better. Donny? You're gonna have to
turn around. I can't see you.
DONNY: Well, we can't see you either. That's right, you
haven't met my little friend. (holds up a little plastic groom)
You remember him? From the top of the wedding cake? I
call him "Mr. Chump". Say hello to Mr. Chump. I said say
hello!
FRASIER: Hello, Mr. Chump. Donny, are you all right?
DONNY: Oh, yeah. I wasn't feeling very well yesterday, but
the doctor gave me a few pills and I'm feeling much
better now. So, what can I do for you?
FRASIER: Well, before I get to that, Donny, I'd like you to
know that my visit here was completely my own idea.
Daphne has nothing to do with it. What happened to
you yesterday was unforgivable and devastating. I
know whereof I speak. You see, I too was once
abandoned at the altar. You're feeling abandoned and
hurt, and completely alone.
DONNY: Aren't you forgetting someone?
FRASIER: Just so we're clear: All my remarks refer to
human relationships. Daphne realizes you went to great
expense for this wedding, and she is prepared to repay
you over time, but Donny, this hundred thousand dollars
in punitive damages for emotional distress; that's not you.
That's not the Donny Douglas I know. You don't want to
sue Daphne.
DONNY: I'm a lawyer, it's my natural impulse. Oh, you
know, maybe I am being too hard on Daphne. In all
fairness, she's not totally to blame.
FRASIER: Gosh, there's plenty of blame to go around. I
mean, even I played a minor part in these events. Let he
who is without sin, right? Anyway, I'm glad we had this
talk. God bless.

DONNY: No, wait a minute. What "minor part" did you play?
FRASIER: I may have mentioned in passing to Niles and
Daphne how they felt about each other. Which may
have, conceivably, set this... whole thing in motion.
Perhaps!
DONNY: You did this on my wedding day?
FRASIER: Oh, no. It was the night before, but what I'm trying
to say is if you feel the urge to yell at someone, well then
yell at me. If you want to take a swing at someone, then
here's my chin. Are you going to hit me?
DONNY: Oh, yeah. I'm gonna hit you. I'm gonna hit you with
tortious interference and intentional and negligent
infliction of emotional distress. Layman's terms: I'm
gonna sue your ass off!
FRASIER: Me?! But Daphne's the one who left you at the
altar!
DONNY: That's right. That's why I'm suing her for breach of
contract!
FRASIER: Donny, listen, you're being emotional right now.
Give this a few days and I'm sure you'll feel much better.
DONNY: Actually, I'm feeling a lot better, thank you,
Frasier. Suing you is just the tonic I needed. You know
what else? I'm starving. I haven't eaten in twenty four
hours. I'd ask you to join me, but you should be saving
your money. Turn out the lights when you leave. Oh, by
the way, Fraizh. Who's Mr. Chump now?
Cafe Nervosa. Martin and Niles are sitting by the window.
NILES: Where is Mel? That woman is punctual to a fault.
This is a bad sign.
MARTIN: She's only five minutes late.
NILES: Five?! I thought it was two! She's doing this
intentionally, she's playing mind games. She's hoping
to undermine my confidence so she'll have the
advantage.
MARTIN: Yeah, but you're showing her.
FRASIER: I'm sorry I'm late. What's wrong with Niles?
MARTIN: Oh, he's in a tizzy 'cause Mel's late.
FRASIER: Dear God! She's never late! Steady, Niles!
MARTIN: Nice job, Frasier. Well, how'd things go with
Donny?
FRASIER: Well, I used every psychological trick in my bag
to get myself added to the lawsuit.
NILES: That's unforgivable!

FRASIER: Tell me about it.
NILES: No, that prune danish that Dad dropped down here
last Thursday is still here!
MARTIN: Oh, I think I see Mel pulling in.
NILES: Don't panic! Thanks for the moral support. Don't let
her see you here. Hello Mel. Please.
MEL: Well, here we are: our four day anniversary.
NILES: Mel, I never meant to...
MEL: What? Hurt me? If that were the case, you never
would have run off with your maid whore, leaving me
holding the brochures to our honeymoon.
NILES: Technically, she's a physical therapist. You were
saying?
MEL: I promised myself I wouldn't cry, damnit! I want you
to listen to me very carefully. Last night, as I lay in bed,
awake, I thought I'm either going to kill you, or I'm going
to kill myself.
NILES: Well, here you are, so I guess that leaves...
MEL: Will you shut up and let me finish? I realized that
wouldn't solve anything. So, I've decided to make this as
painless as possible. You will have your divorce, Niles,
and it will be quick and clean.
NILES: That's very generous...
MEL: Hold your applause, there are some conditions. As
you know, I have a certain standing in my social circle
that's important to me, and having my husband of three
days run off with some Cockney tart is a humiliation
I'd prefer to avoid.
NILES: Yes, I understand completely.
MEL: So this is how this is going to play out. For the next
few weeks, as far as rest of the world is concerned, we
are still happily married. We will appear together in
public, at various social occasions. In private, I don't
want to lay eyes on you. And when a suitable amount
of time has passed, I will file for divorce.
NILES: It seems like you've thought of everything.
MEL: I have. Here's the watch I was going to give you as a
wedding gift. Please wear it when we're together. Yes, it
said "Forever Yours". I scratched it out with a
screwdriver.
NILES: There's something else crudely carved here, but...
well. At least you were able to use that "f" from "forever".
Frasier and Martin who have been watching this.
MARTIN: Maybe it's not gonna be so bad after all, she just
gave him a watch.

FRASIER: Isn't this all too typical? Niles leaves his wife for
another woman, he gets a gift. I try to do the right thing
and I get Mr. Chump and a lawsuit!
MARTIN: Frasier, I know you thought it was for the best,
but I told you not to go see Donny, didn't I? But you went
down there anyway, didn't you? I told you not to screw
around with lawyers, didn't I? I told him not to go down
there.
FRASIER: Will you shut up?! All right, there she goes. Niles?
NILES: Well, all things considered, not so bad. In
exchange for a neat and tidy divorce, all I have to do
is play the doting husband at some social functions for a
few weeks.
MARTIN: Oh, that doesn't sound so bad.
FRASIER: What kind of social functions?
NILES: Well, for instance, tonight is our wedding reception.
Since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to
throw a last minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
MARTIN: Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you
won't be the only one getting your nuptials toasted.
Frasier's Apartment.
DAPHNE: Explain to me again how you and Mel
masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing?
FRASIER: If I may, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little
wiggle room so she can get out of this debacle with her
dignity intact.
DAPHNE: And what about Niles' dignity?
FRASIER: Well, Maris got that in the divorce.
NILES: Listen, Daphne, I know this is all very awkward, but
if it speeds up the divorce process and avoids the misery
I went through with Maris, isn't it worth it? Oh, come on,
Shnookums, we can get through this together. What do
you say?
DAPHNE: What did you just call me? Shnookums...
NILES: It was an attempt at a pet name.
DAPHNE: Well, if it's all the same to you, can we keep
looking?
NILES: Absolutely, there's no rush whatsoever... truffles.
It's the chocolate, not the fungus. It's a work in
progress.
FRASIER: Here we are. For you... Here it is: To better days.
For all of us. I went down to talk to Donny, try to
convince him to drop his lawsuit against you. Instead,

he's now suing me as well for the part I played in getting
you two together.
DAPHNE: Well, I am so sorry, Dr. Crane. This is turning
into such a horrible mess! Not that I expected it to be a
bed of roses, mind you, but it's gotten so you wonder
what god-awful calamity's going to befall us all next.
Simon comes in the front door.
SIMON: Something smells in your elevator. Oh, now it smells
in here, too. I'm beginning to think this is not such a ritzy
building after all.
DAPHNE: Did you get my wedding gifts down to the post?
SIMON: As we speak, they are winging their way towards
their rightful owners. And in a totally unrelated
matter, I am pleased to announce that the Winnebago
is now fully equipped with a state-of-the-art DVD,
complete with surround sound.
DAPHNE: I don't believe this!
SIMON: Tonight's feature is "Braveheart", starring Australia's
favorite son, Mr. Mel Gibson. Showtime is at eight sharp,
everyone is invited.
DAPHNE: As tempting as that sounds, I have a date. Niles
is taking me to dinner and dancing. At least this day will
end on a high note.
NILES: I guess I can't avoid telling you this any longer...
Martin comes from his room.
MARTIN: I just want you to know I'm attending this wedding
reception under protest.
NILES: Thanks, Dad. Yeah, well, you know those social
obligations I was talking about? One of them is tonight.
DAPHNE: A wedding reception? For you and Mel?
NILES: It's at the equestrian center. It's nothing major, it's
very impromptu. Champagne, cake, we pet the horses,
we're out of there by eleven!
FRASIER: Oh, gosh, Niles, look at the time. I'm sorry
Daphne, but we've got to get cross town in an hour. You
better get home and get changed.
MARTIN: Oh, don't forget to wear that watch Mel gave you.
NILES: Thanks again, Dad! I can explain that. I can explain
everything. Tomorrow. It's just a twenty four hour delay.
I switched all the reservations. Dining, dancing,
everything. I promise I will make it up to you... pookie.
… Even I hate that one.
DAPHNE: But what about our date?
SIMON: Now, now, Daphne. Don't cry. It's all right. This
sounds like a job for Braveheart.

The Equestrian Center. Frasier and Martin are standing at the bar.
MARTIN: Don't look now, but there's a guy over there in a
bow tie who's been checking me out for the last twenty
minutes.
FRASIER: Oh, one of Mel's colleagues. I met him earlier.
MARTIN: What's he keep staring at me for?
FRASIER: Well, he's a plastic surgeon. Maybe he's looking at
your eyelids and planning his next trip to Maui. Good
lord! Look at him, overacting. Trying to convince
everyone he's happily married. Have you ever seen
anything so pathetic in your life?
MARTIN: How about you and Lilith?
FRASIER: It was a rhetorical question!
Mel and Niles meeting with people.
MEL: Niles, I'd like you to meet Adrianna Pettibone.
Adrianna stables General Prescott, our current grand
champion right here at the Equestrian Club.
NILES: Wonderful! Speaking of grand champions, how
about this little filly, hmm? I didn't even have to check
her teeth!
ROZ: Congratulations and all that BS, where's the bar?
NILES: Roz, what are you doing here?
MEL: I invited her. Your side of the guest list looked a little
sparse.
ROZ: Well, forgive me if I'm not in the spirit of this -
wink, wink - "happy occasion", but I'm in a very
crappy mood.
NILES: Are you limping?
ROZ: Yeah. I twisted my ankle on the stairs. You know
how that happened? I couldn't find the shoes that went
with this dress, so I had to wear these stupid three inch
spikes. And the "check engine" light on my dash keeps
coming on.
NILES: What does that have to do with your ankle?
ROZ: Nothing, it just really ticks me off! The bar, the bar!
Thank you!
NILES: That was so sweet of her to come.
MEL: Niles, this is important. If anyone should ask about
the honeymoon, we're flying to Paris, then we're taking
the Orient Express to Venice, where we'll spend two
weeks at the Monsarta Palazzetto suite at the Cipriani.
NILES: Sounds like a wonderful trip.
MEL: It's not my fault we're not going. I'll go check on Dad
and Frasier.

The bar, where Frasier is talking to a couple.
FRASIER: Yes, they do make a lovely couple.
WOMAN: Don't they? I'm sure they'll be happy together for
many years.
MARTIN: You never know. I'm just saying you never know.
FRASIER: What the hell's wrong with you?
MARTIN: In a few weeks, I'm gonna look like a genius.
ROZ: I really feel stupid. I just came on to the guy in the
tux. They really should make waiters wear name tags.
FRASIER: Oh, yes, Roz. Carrying trays and taking drink
orders leaves so much room for ambiguity.
NILES: Well, I think it's going pretty well. Don't you? You
think anyone's suspicious?
MARTIN: No, no. It's the greatest phony reception I've ever
been to. So, how you holding up, son?
NILES: Oh, well, if I have to stretch my muscles into a smile
one more time, I think my face may crack...
MEL: Niles? It's time to cut the cake, so why don't you just
gather everyone around? (to Martin.) Excuse me, I need to
borrow Frasier for just one moment. Frasier, I had an
interesting little phone call from Donny this afternoon.
Yes, he said you'd been by to see him earlier today.
FRASIER: I may have done so.
MEL: Yes, he said you were a busy little bee before the
wedding. First buzzing in Niles' ear, and then you were
buzzing in Daphne's ear... You see, I've been torturing
myself trying to figure out how this all happened so
quickly, and now I know. I won't forget about this.
MARTIN: What was that all about?
FRASIER: Donny talked to Mel.
MARTIN: Told you not to go down there.
MEL: Attention, everyone! Before we cut the cake, Niles'
brother Frasier would like to make a toast in our
honor.
MARTIN: I didn't know you were doing this.
FRASIER: Neither did I. Well, love... is an awesome force.
It can make us do things we never imagined possible.
You see, we don't actually choose love, it chooses us.
And once it has, we are powerless to do anything about
it. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me in
toasting my brother and the love of his life. For she is
truly the woman of his dreams, and my father and I
could not be more thrilled with his choice. To the happy
couple!

MEL: Well, wasn't that clever of your brother? It's only too
bad your little English muffin couldn't be here to enjoy it
as well. Which reminds me: You do realize that while
we are pretending to be married, you absolutely cannot
be seen in public with Daphne?
Frasier's Apartment. Simon comes through the front door.
MARTIN: Hey, Simon. Just making coffee, you want some?
SIMON: I was thinking of something colder with a bit more
of an amber hue.
MARTIN: Beer?
SIMON: Brilliant! if you aren't the finest detective in Seattle,
I am the Prince of Wales.
MARTIN: How did Eddie like his walk?
SIMON: The little nipper loved it. I think nature's calling
him again. His bladder's worse than mine. I'll be back in
a flash.
FRASIER: Was that Simon's voice I heard just now?
MARTIN: Yeah, he just took Eddie on a walk for me.
FRASIER: It's about time that chowder made himself
useful.
MARTIN: Don't be so hard on him. He tries.
FRASIER: Yes, well, if you're talking about my patience, he
certainly does.
NILES: Hey Dad, about a block from here, I saw a dog that
looks remarkably like Eddie tied up outside a bar. So,
did you say anything to her?
FRASIER: No, no, you told us not to.
MARTIN: You want us out of here when you drop the
hammer?
NILES: No, I think I'll be safer with witnesses.
DAPHNE: Niles. I didn't hear you come in.
NILES: I just got here. How are you today?
DAPHNE: Wonderful. I realize that postponing our date one
day doesn't really amount to much in the great scheme
of things. So how was your wedding reception?
NILES: Oh, it was your average night in hell.
DAPHNE: Well, that's behind us, now. We have a wonderful
evening to look forward to. I bought a new dress. It's
much too expensive, but you're worth it. And I'm
getting my hair done and my... Why are you looking at
each other like that? Those darting little glances mean
something's up. Niles?
NILES: About tonight...

DAPHNE: I hate the way this is starting.
NILES: Mel feels that as long as she and I are acting to be
married, you and I can't be seen together in public. So
that means...
DAPHNE: I know what that means.
NILES: But it's just until the divorce.
DAPHNE: Whenever that bloody is. If you'll excuse me, I
have a splitting headache.
NILES: You know, if you look at it from Mel's point of
view, it really does make a lot of sense.
FRASIER: He came so close.
DAPHNE: What did you say?
NILES: I said "Damn that Mel!"
DAPHNE: No, you didn't. You should have, but you didn't. It
sounded to me like you were taking her side.
NILES: All right. Can we just turn the clock back two
minutes and pretend this conversation never happened?
DAPHNE: Why don't we just turn it back to ten minutes
before my wedding and save everybody all this
trouble?
NILES: What are you saying? It sounds like you're saying
you're sorry you did this.
DAPHNE: Maybe that's what I'm saying.
MARTIN: Oh, boy.
FRASIER: Now listen, before anyone says something they'll
regret...
DAPHNE: Butt out! If you hadn't opened your big mouth
we wouldn't be in this mess! Donny wouldn't be suing
me and everyone else in sight and I wouldn't be out two
weeks' salary for a dress I'm apparently never going to
wear, and you wouldn't be kowtowing to that shrew of
a wife of yours.
FRASIER: This is all my fault?!
NILES: Oh shut up, Frasier! The only thing more hollow
than your protest of innocence is your big fat head!
FRASIER: I AM WOUNDED! I intervened only out of love
for the two people who are most important to...
DAPHNE: Oh, put a sock in it! I am sick and tired of
listening to you yammering on about everything under
the sun!
NILES: Daphne...
DAPHNE: And I'm sick of listening to you, too. You got
anything to say, old man?! Good!

FRASIER: I'm waiting! For an apology. For that unprovoked
broadside you leveled at me.
NILES: You expect me to apologize to you?
FRASIER: Expect it, sir, and demand it!
NILES: Well, then, here's my answer: No! And furthermore,
why don't you take your broadside, stuff it in a chair, and
keep your unlimited supply of opinions, suggestions,
proposals and recommendations to yourself?!
FRASIER: Well, I never!
NILES: No, you always!
MARTIN: How's a corned beef sandwich sound?
FRASIER: I am appalled!
MARTIN: Well, no problem, there's some smoked turkey in
here, too.
FRASIER: What is my offense? What egregious sin have I
committed, that I should be so maligned? Was I to just sit
idly by and watch these two misguided souls embark on
doomed relationships? Would they have thanked me
for that? Not very likely, I dare say.
MARTIN: Who moved the mustard?
FRASIER: Top shelf, door. And then, when they were
perched on the very brink of disaster, I snatched them
from the gaping maw and placed them gently into one
another's arms. But am I accorded a hero's welcome for
my troubles? Am I hoisted on their shoulders and paraded
about the room?
MARTIN: I don't have my glasses, what's the expiration
date?
FRASIER: Last week.
MARTIN: I'll chance it.
FRASIER: No! Those two ingrates turn on me like vipers,
and make me the villain of the piece. Well, hear me
now, this day forward, Frasier Crane will not interfere
with those two! This is it! Finished, finito! Non quam
posterior! I know I've made declarations like this before,
but I tell you what, Dad, you mark the calendar! You
note the time on your watch! This - Is - It!
MARTIN: Well, if you figure out a way to get them back
together, I'll be in my room if you need any help.
FRASIER: Have you been listening to me?
MARTIN: Well, I tried not to, but some of it still got
through.
DAPHNE: Hello, Dr. Crane. Making yourself a sandwich?
FRASIER: No, Dad did.

DAPHNE: Hope he didn't use the mayonnaise, I meant to
throw it out.
FRASIER: I've seen him eat worse.
DAPHNE: I'll say. Remember when he dropped his hot dog
at the petting zoo? Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry I said those
things about you! I didn't mean them. I guess this all
finally came crashing down on me.
FRASIER: Yes, I know. It's perfectly understandable.
Listen, I know you can't go out on your date with Niles
tonight, but what's to stop two friends from going out to
dinner? My treat, you can even wear that new dress of
yours.
DAPHNE: Thank you. That's a lovely offer, but I think I'll just
stay home tonight, have a quiet night.
FRASIER: Sure you won't change your mind?
DAPHNE: Positive.
SIMON: Hello, all. My furry friend and I have just concluded
our daily constitutional, with young Edward here
dropping a few amendments along the way. So what's on
the docket tonight, eh?
DAPHNE: All I want is a quiet night at home.
SIMON: Oh, Stilts, you and I are of one mind. I'll hoist a
beer while you get dinner started, and then when our
bellies are full and you've done the dishes, we will
adjourn to the Winnebago where Mr. Jean Claude van
Damme, the "Muscles from Brussels", will ply his trade
against the forces of evil.
FRASIER: Ready at eight?
DAPHNE: Make it seven thirty.
Frasier's Apartment.
NILES: Good idea, Dad. An evening out, just the two of
us. I had no idea you enjoyed the Natural History
Museum.
MARTIN: Oh, sure. And that documentary on the rain forest
is supposed to be great.
NILES: That's what I hear.
MARTIN: Hope it has pygmies, I like pygmies.
NILES: I know you do. So, where's...
MARTIN: She went out with Frasier to a restaurant for
dinner.
NILES: Oh. Did she happen to ask about... Oh. Dad, we're
going up.
MARTIN: I'm sorry. We'll just have to take the long way.

NILES: Why do you like pygmies so much?
MARTIN: They're short and they blow darts. What's not to
like?
The roof of the Elliot Bay Towers. Martin comes out the access door.
NILES: What could possibly be so important for me to see
up here?
MARTIN: The guy in 1708 got some homing pigeons. He built
a coop up here for them.
NILES: Pigeons? I don't like pigeons, they have no respect
for public art.
MARTIN: Trust me, you're gonna like this.
NILES: Dad, I don't think I handled things very well today.
Do you think Daphne will ever forgive me?
MARTIN: Why don't you ask her for yourself?
Daphne is sitting at a table set up for a dinner. There are candles all
around. Frasier pours the champagne, then starts some music.
FRASIER: Your table is ready, sir.
NILES: You look stunning.
DAPHNE: Thank you. You look dashing.
FRASIER: I trust this will be to your liking?
NILES: Everything is to my liking.
DAPHNE: Looks like we're having that first date after all.
NILES: You went to so much trouble!
DAPHNE: It wasn't me, it was your brother.
FRASIER: Well, you know me, I hate to butt in. I had
planned to take Daphne to dinner, when suddenly
inspiration struck. Since you two couldn't go to Au Pied
du Cochon this evening, my faithful companion (Martin
bows) and I would bring it to you courtesy of their caterer.
If dancing at the Starlight Room was impossible, we'd give
you the real thing.
DAPHNE: It's all so overwhelming.
NILES: Frasier, Dad, I don't know what to say. You even got
that man to move his pigeons. Frasier, listen...
FRASIER: Apology accepted, Niles. Oh, just remember to
give the lingonberry sauce a little stir...
MARTIN: They can figure it out.
NILES: Daphne, about today...
DAPHNE: Let's just forget about that. Why don't we start
from here?
NILES: I would love that. To us!
DAPHNE: To us. I'm usually so nervous on a first date. But
not tonight.

NILES: Would you like to dance?
DAPHNE: I'd love to.
NILES: So where you from?
DAPHNE: Manchester, England.
NILES: Oh, my. Big family?
DAPHNE: Hideously. And you?
NILES: I'm from a small mountain village in Tibet. Tenzing
Norgay used to carry me to school. You know what I've
always wondered?
DAPHNE: I think I can guess.
NILES: Yeah.

The Bad Son
Night. A bus pulls over. Frasier & Roz step on. Frasier's soaking wet.
ROZ: Rule number one: always stand in back of the curb
until the bus has come to a complete stop. Now take
your money and put it right in here.
FRASIER: Yes, thank you, Roz, but I am not completely
lacking in street smarts. (to the driver) Good day, busman.
The northwest corner of Highland and 1st, please.
DRIVER: That's the next stop.
FRASIER: I know. Perhaps if I just shove a little
encouragement into this box…
ROZ: Come on! Keep your eyes peeled for a seat, and
hold on to a pole.
FRASIER: Doesn't look very clean, Roz.
ROZ: Well, would you rather wind up on the floor?
An attractive blond woman gets on and sits next to a brunette.
WOMAN: Miranda! Oh, long time. How are things at the
Colonnade?
MIRANDA: Oh, just for you, a mess. Things have gotten so
crazy there, they put me in charge.
ROZ: Which one are you staring at?
FRASIER: I'm not staring. That would be rude. Blonde.
ROZ: Why don't you go over and talk to her?
FRASIER: Oh, come on, the woman's a perfect stranger.
ROZ: Stranger? You know her name, you know she has a
job, you know she's attractive. It's like an A&E biography
compared to what I used to know going in.
FRASIER: Gosh, look at me--soaked through, hair's a mess.
ROZ: Believe me, you could look a lot worse.
She gestures to the roof. Frasier looks and sees an ad for his show,
with an eye-patch and goatee inked over his portrait.
FRASIER: After I specifically told people on the air not to do
that!
ROZ: Look, why don't you go over and talk to her? It's not
like you'll ever see her again if she shoots you down.
FRASIER: Perhaps you're right. What harm could it do? My
goodness--who would have thought that such a rare
butterfly could exist in this tin cocoon?
ROZ: Hey, for your information, plenty of refined,
sophisticated women ride the bus every... Open your
eyes, nimrod, that was my stop!

Frasier sits down beside Miranda--cutting off a pregnant woman.
MIRANDA: Oh please, take mine.
FRASIER: Oh, you'd better take mine, too. That way you
can spread out. Well, not that you need to spread out,
actually, well, right . . . it's my first time on a bus.
Apartment. Martin is in his Armchair, on the phone.
MARTIN: Well Duke, how's the weather in Florida? Eightytwo!
Oh, I sure envy you. Yes, none of the rain here.
Yeah, Channel Four said it should clear up tomorrow,
but the Channel Five guy said probably not till the
weekend. Yeah, then there's the Weather Channel. Earlymorning
guy said it'll probably break by Saturday, but
then the mid-morning guy... what do you mean, you got
to go? Shuffleboard? Oh come on, Duke, get a life!
DAPHNE: Hey, Niles! I thought you were working.
NILES: Well, the patient cancelled, so I thought I'd drop by
and see you. Oh my God, you have no idea how good it
feels to say that! I'm here to see you! No more flimsy
pretenses. No more making tedious small talk with
Dad.
MARTIN: Hey Niles, it's eighty-two in Florida!
NILES: Here to see Daphne, Dad!
DAPHNE: Well, I'd better check on the roast in the oven.
It's three-seventy-five in there!
MARTIN: All right, no more weather talk. Probably just
getting a little stir-crazy from being cooped up for two
weeks. But won't be too much longer. It'll all end with
the meteor shower on Saturday, if you can believe those
Channel Seven Doppler guys. Oh, I wonder what they're
up to.
DAPHNE: You know that meteor shower we had a few years
ago?
NILES: Oh please, don't remind me. I was over here having
dinner with Maris. I will never forget that night.
DAPHNE: Neither will I. I've never seen a person cut a
caper in half.
NILES: I was out on the terrace witnessing this incredible
display, and I was absolutely miserable. Now I know it's
because I would much rather have been sharing that
moment with you.
DAPHNE: Well, I'm here now. Why don't we watch it together
this Saturday?
NILES: Oh Daphne, that's a wonderful idea! We'll recreate
the entire moment, right there on the terrace, right

down to the last detail. Except we'll be together. And
instead of serving the '92 Dom Perignon, we'll serve the
'90, and we'll right two horrible wrongs!
MARTIN: Frasier, what happened?
FRASIER: What happened? I went six months without
replacing my pollen filter in my car, so it was in the
shop. Couldn't get a cab, so I took the bus home. Which
splashed me! And I fell down, missed my stop, and had
to walk home ten blocks in this downpour!
NILES: You went six months without changing your
pollen filter?!
DAPHNE: Looks like you could use a spot of tea.
FRASIER: Desperately!
DAPHNE: What will it be, then? I've got Earl Grey, English
Breakfast, Orange Peacock, Oolong, Lang San Soo…
FRASIER: Oh, for God's sake, just throw a bag in some hot
water! Earl Grey.
MARTIN: Hey Fras, I know it's not your thing, but Duke
sent me a couple of tickets for tomorrow's Sonics game.
You want to go?
FRASIER: I've got plans.
MARTIN: Well, if you don't want to go, just tell me.
FRASIER: I don't want to go.
MARTIN: Would it kill you to spend one night with me?!
FRASIER: For God's sake, I spend every night with you! God
knows, I have done my best to keep you entertained,
but in the seven years since you've landed at my
doorstep, have you ever known me once to show any
interest in basketball?!
NILES: You know I'd go, Dad, but I have the quilt show.
MARTIN: Please Niles, I feel bad enough already.
NILES: Little rough on Dad, weren't you?
FRASIER: Oh, I suppose so. It's just been a rotten day. You
don't even know on top of it there was an enchanting
young woman on the bus. Just when I'd worked up
enough nerve to go and talk to her, I slipped on
something that I can only hope was an old burrito! Before
I could manage to get up, she was gone.
NILES: Well, I suppose it just wasn't meant to be.
FRASIER: Wait a minute. You know, I did happen to
overhear her name, and where she works.
NILES: Well then, what are you waiting for? Seize the day!
You think I got together with Daphne by just sitting
around? Take a chapter from my book.

FRASIER: Exactly what chapter would that be?
NILES: The last chapter.
FRASIER: Yes. Suppose I did go and talk with her? What
would I say? "I spied on you on the bus, and I've
managed to hunt you down here where you work,
would you care to have dinner sometime?" I might as
well just lop off my ear and mail it to her.
NILES: No, just pretend you're there on business. Where
does she work?
FRASIER: It's a retirement home.
NILES: Well, tell her you're there looking for someplace
for Dad. In fact, bring him along for cover.
FRASIER: No, no, you know how he hates those places. He'd
never agree to it.
NILES: Well, he doesn't need to. Just take him to the game
tomorrow, and make an unannounced stop on the way.
FRASIER: So you're suggesting that I go crawling back to
Dad, beg him to let me take him to the basketball game,
use him to meet a pretty girl, and sit through a sport I
loathe.
NILES: All right, I see your point.
FRASIER: No, I'm just trying to get the sequence right.
The Colonnade. The foyer of the retirement home.
MARTIN: You could have told me we were stopping here
when we left for the game.
FRASIER: If you'd known that, you never would have
agreed to come.
MARTIN: Well, you didn't have to trick me. I mean, I would
never do anything like that to you.
FRASIER: It seems someone is forgetting sending Niles and
me off to Boy Scout Camp to earn our "Opera Badges!"
Oh, there she is! All right, now listen, remember, you're
interested in living here.
MARTIN: All right, but I don't want to be late for the game.
FRASIER: Excuse me, I'm Frasier Crane, this is my father
Martin. We're interested in finding out a bit more
about the Colonnade. Is there someone we could talk to?
MIRANDA: Oh well, I'm the director here, Miranda Rogers.
Why don't I get you a couple of brochures, and if you
like what you see, you can fill out an application. It
only takes about twenty minutes.
MARTIN: Twenty minutes?

FRASIER: Yes, Dad, application, twenty minutes. He likes to
repeat things, it's a soothing mechanism. Twentyminutes,
twenty-minutes.
MIRANDA: You're very patient with him. I'll be right back.
MARTIN: You didn't say I'd have to put anything in
writing. You haven't even seen her before, have you?
You're trying to put me in here for real! You said you
met her on the bus, I knew that story was full of holes!
FRASIER: For God's sake, will you just stop it? No one's going
to put you anywhere!
MARTIN: You're damn right they're not, because I'm not
filling out any application! So will you hurry up and
make your date, and let's get off this ice floe!
MIRANDA: You know, I'm starting a tour in a few minutes,
it'd be a good way to get your questions answered.
FRASIER: Oh, that's a splendid idea. Dad, a tour. A tour.
Now come along.
Miranda leads the tour group back into the foyer.
MIRANDA: As you can see, we're a full service facility...
MARTIN: Will you hurry up and ask her? If we move any
slower in this place they're gonna start harvesting our
organs!
FRASIER: All right! It's kind of difficult with all these people
around.
MARTIN: Well, the game's already started. Two minutes, and
I'm calling a cab.
LEE: Hey, I know you. McGinty's, right? We could really
use a fourth for poker, if you're moving in.
MARTIN: Oh jeez, no, I'm sorry. I'm just here to do a favor
for my son. We're on our way over to the ballgame.
LEE: Uh-huh. They told me I was going to the Space Needle.
MIRANDA: If you have any more questions, don't hesitate
to ask.
FRASIER: Well actually, you know, I do have one more
question... do you think it'd be possible to have dinner
sometime?
MIRANDA: Oh, sure. Come by with your father around five
tomorrow and I'll set you up at the cafeteria. I should
warn you tomorrow's steak night, so be prepared to throw
a few elbows! And you just asked me out on a date, didn't
you? You know, I don't normally date people I've just
met, but you seem like such a nice person. I can tell by
the way you are with your father.
FRASIER: Yes, well, we're very close. All right, Dad, I
checked and the rain's letting up a bit.

Apartment. Night. Frasier opens the door to Niles.
NILES: Daphne and I are watching the meteor shower on
the terrace.
FRASIER: No, you're not, I have a date! Go to the roof.
NILES: We can't do that, we're having a recreation! (Daphne
comes out) Oh, you'll never believe this. Frasier wants to
send us to the roof!
DAPHNE: What a romantic idea.
NILES: Isn't it?
FRASIER: Yes, it's very romantic, now get your crap and go!
NILES: Where'd you put Dad, in storage?
FRASIER: I have no idea where Dad is. All I know is that
he's not here, and you are! Good evening, Miranda. Come
in. I'd like to introduce you to my brother Niles Crane.
I'm so sorry, my brother's not very social, really.
MIRANDA: Oh, you have a beautiful place! Something tells
me this must be your father's chair.
FRASIER: Yes, well, you know, I insisted that he bring it
with him when he moved in here. I mean, after all, this
is his home too.
MIRANDA: How thoughtful of you. Well, I imagine he'll be
bringing that with him when he moves in.
FRASIER: Gosh, Miranda, you know, I've got to be honest
with you... as much as I like the Colonnade, I'm not sure
Dad's really ready to move in yet.
MIRANDA: Well then, I guess he hasn't told you. Your father
filled out an application today.
FRASIER: Application? My father? Today?
MIRANDA: Sounds like he's moving out just in time, you're
picking up that repeating thing.
Elliot Bay Towers Roof. Niles and Daphne are sitting on the roof.
NILES: You know, I've been giving a lot of thought to this
idea of a pet name for you.
DAPHNE: And you've decided to give it up?
NILES: No, I don't give up that easily... "Woggles." I was
kidding. You're not really a "Woggles." You're more of a
"Cuddles." No, I was kidding again! Someone stop me!
DAPHNE: Well, what have we got in here, then? That's
peanut brittle. I made it myself so we could have
something sweet. Try some.
NILES: Oh well, I hardly need something sweet with you
here.
DAPHNE: Oh, you are such a dear. Seriously, try some.

NILES: Mmm. Oh... it's like little shards of heaven.
DAPHNE: Oh dear! The wind's picked up.
NILES: Oh dear! I hope nothing else blows away!
DAPHNE: What happened to the peanut brittle?
NILES: It blew away! I'll run and get some books to hold this
cloth down.
Stairwell. The door slams shut, trapping Niles in the stairwell.
DAPHNE: I moved the block to hold down the blanket and
now the door seems to be stuck.
NILES: All right, Daphne, you sit tight, I'll run and get the
super, he'll have it open in a minute… Daphne, where's
the key to the stairway door?
DAPHNE: Oh, I've got it. I'll slide it under.
NILES: Oh, all right. No problem, take your time, no need
to panic.
DAPHNE: Oh, dear. There is no under. It's sealed tight.
NILES: Sealed? All right, now Daphne, try and remain calm.
DAPHNE: Well, we'll just have to wait for the night
watchman. He checks all these doors when he does his
rounds in a few hours.
NILES: For the last time, Daphne, I told you not to panic,
and so you don't make me say it again, I have to
conserve oxygen!
The Colonnade. Martin is playing seven-card stud in the foyer with
Lee and two other residents. Frasier comes in.
LEE: Hey look, Marty, there's your son.
MARTIN: Yeah, nice try, like I'd take my eyes off you
while you're dealing.
FRASIER: Dad, can I have a word with you for a second?
MARTIN: Oh, Fras! Keep going, guys, I'm in. What
happened to your date?
FRASIER: Oh well, suffice it to say it didn't go so well.
Spent the whole time worried about you. Listen, I came
down to apologize. I've been selfish, and I've neglected
you, and I'm sorry.
MARTIN: Oh well, apology accepted, son. We've both been
a little cranky, it's probably just the rain.
FRASIER: No, Dad, listen, I want us to go to games together,
I really do. And I want us to see movies, and go drinking
at McGinty's. Dad, I'm trying to say something here. I'm
not ready for you to leave. I don't want you to move in
here. I miss you too much. Please, Dad, come home.

Miranda told me you filled out an application, that you
told her you'd found a new home.
MARTIN: Well, I had to. It's the only way to stay in the
game, it's for residents only.
FRASIER: This was just a ruse so you could continue
playing poker?
MARTIN: Well, it's not just poker, it's poker with the three
worst players I've ever seen!
LEE: Hey Marty, you in? Sid's got a pair of tens showing.
MARTIN: Look at me, Sid! Raise you twenty. (to Frasier) You
dream about getting in games like this all your life, but
you never think it's gonna happen!
FRASIER: Dad, please, I can't let you go on taking
advantage of these people!
MARTIN: Well, I'm not taking advantage of them, I'm giving
them an education! Consider it an expensive seminar.
FRASIER: Seminar, my eye! Now you're gonna give every
cent of that money back to those men!
MARTIN: All right. I'll let them win it back.
LEE: Come on, Marty, you in?
MARTIN: All right, yeah, I'm in. Let's see, Lee's got a pair of
aces, whoa! And three tens here! What have I got? Four,
five, seven . . . well, I'll just bet it all.
LEE: Too rich for my blood. (all three of them fold)
FRASIER: I'll leave the light on for you, Dad.
Elliot Bay Towers Roof. Daphne is sitting against the door.
DAPHNE: How are you holding up? Is that spider still
around?
NILES: Oh, I think he's realized he's more afraid of me than I
am of him... He's not in his corner! He's not in his corner!
Oh, there it is, found him. Oh Daphne, you must be
starving. Don't wait for me, you go ahead and eat.
DAPHNE: Oh, I just saw a meteor! Oh, it's beautiful! It just
appeared out of nowhere!
NILES: That's it! I missed it the last time, I'm not gonna let it
happen again! Daphne, stand back, this door is coming
down! (rams his shoulder into the door)
DAPHNE: Ok, I'm ready! Oh, I just saw another one! Oh, it's
breathtaking! It just streaked from one end of the sky to
the other! Oh Niles, I wish you could see this.
NILES: Oh, so do I, my love.
DAPHNE: What did you just call me?

NILES: Oh well, it was kind of a place-filler. I didn't have
time to think of a good one.
DAPHNE: No, I like it. "My love." Oh, I just saw another one!
NILES: What's it look like?
DAPHNE: It's got a long, glittering tail. It reminds me of the
time my father drove home from the pub with a
trashcan stuck underneath his car. Sparks were flying
everywhere! Did I ever tell you that story?
NILES: No, you never did... my love.
DAPHNE: Well, my father stopped in at the pub on his way
home from work...

The Great Crane Robbery
KACL. Frasier is wrapping up his show.
FRASIER: I would like to close the show today with a truly
inspirational tale. One year ago, a very successful friend
of mine was struck by tragedy. Prognosis: not good.
Hope: slim. But armed with only fortitude, this friend of
mine fought back. I'm talking, of course, about the
reopening of Seattle's finest restaurant, Chez Henri! Just
goes to show you that a four-alarm fire is no match for
five-star courage. This is Frasier Crane saying good day,
and good mental health.
ROZ: See, you still don't have a table for opening night.
FRASIER: And it's killing me!
KENNY: Ok everyone, it's show time. The new station
owner's on his way down. So look alive! Watch what
you say, watch what you don't say. Don't say too much,
don't say too little. What the hell's this thermostat set at,
anyway?!
FRASIER: Good lord, Kenny, calm down! We've done the
"new owner" drill a million times. What'll it be today, Roz,
the glad-handing sycophant, or our salute to
teamwork? Come on, you know how these people come
and go. They introduce themselves, they shake your
hand, tell us they're big fans, and then they're gone.
Nothing ever changes. So don't worry about it.
KENNY: Well, that's easy for you to say, you've got a
contract!
Todd Peterson, KACL's new owner, comes in the booth with a candy
bar. Todd is a casually dressed redheaded man in his twenties.
KENNY: Oh hello, sir! Clark-Bar! Excellent choice, sir!
FRASIER: You must be the new owner. Hi, I'm Frasier Crane
and this is my producer Roz Doyle.
KENNY: Mr. Peterson's one of the brightest stars of Silicon
Valley. And he's one of the youngest members of the
Fortune 500.
TODD: Please, you're embarrassing me.
KENNY: And he's a big fan of your show.
FRASIER: Oh, now you're embarrassing me! Go on.
TODD: It's true, I've been listening since college. I love the
theme weeks. But I was really into "Follow-up Fridays,"
when you had previous callers call in, let you know how
they're doing. Why'd you stop doing that?

FRASIER: Oh well, it wasn't MY idea. (Todd glares at Kenny)
You know, Todd, seeing as how you are such a big fan,
perhaps I could bend your ear sometime about a few
ideas I have for the show.
TODD: Great! I'd love to hear them.
FRASIER: Really? Well, how about later today perhaps, over
cocktails at my place?
TODD: That would be cool!
FRASIER: Cool indeed! Right, and may I say it's truly an
honor to be serving under your leadership! This is a
great day for KACL, indeed for radio itself!
ROZ: I see you decided to skip "glad-handing sycophant"
and go straight for "boot-licking kiss-ass."
Apartment. Martin straddles a chair while Daphne massages him.
DAPHNE: Is that too much?
MARTIN: Oh no, it feels great, Daph. Lot of elbow grease
there today.
DAPHNE: I suppose I'm a bit wound up. Niles is out with
Mel. I don't trust that woman.
MARTIN: Oh, come on. He's not with her because he wants
to be. He's just gonna give her what she wants so she'll
give him the divorce. He's crazy about you, you know
that. Still, Niles has been gone for a long time.
NILES: Hello! Sorry I'm late, Mel picked a restaurant on the
other side of town.
DAPHNE: I'm getting so tired of that woman's antics.
MARTIN: Antics, that's what they are! (she digs in even harder)
DAPHNE: This whole charade, making you pretend you're
a happy couple, it's so unfair!
MARTIN: Criminal! She won't even allow you to be seen
in public together! (she does nothing) Did you hear that?
DAPHNE: Give it up, old man, the massage is over.
NILES: Daphne, I know it's difficult. But once she gives me
that divorce, we can go anywhere we want. Paris...
Florence... Rio...
DAPHNE: How about my room to fold laundry?
FRASIER: Oh, Dad, listen, you know, I've got some company
coming over. So if you don't mind…
MARTIN: Oh, hot date, huh?
FRASIER: Well, actually, Dad, the new station owner's
coming by to hear some ideas I have about my show.
MARTIN: Well, it's a woman at least, right?

FRASIER: Whatever gets you out of the room faster, Dad.
Oh Todd, come on in.
TODD: Hi, Frasier. Whoa! Sweet view! Is that a Pizza Hut?
FRASIER: Well, we did start a petition…
TODD: Well, it must have worked. That is a Pizza Hut!
You've got a great place here, Fras! (picks up an African
sculpture) I like this. What, did your kid carve it in camp?
FRASIER: Actually, that's a fertility god from Central Africa,
it's quite rare. Say, Todd, can I interest you in a sherry?
TODD: Nah. It'd be wasted on me. I don't know the first
thing about that stuff.
FRASIER: Oh well, in the great scheme of things, it's not
really very important.
TODD: It kind of is. I mean, ever since my search engine
went public, people have been inviting me to
fundraisers and banquets. They expect me to know all
sorts of things about art and music, wine--I don't know
jack, it's embarrassing.
FRASIER: I'm sure you're exaggerating.
TODD: No, I spent my whole life in front of a computer. I
don't know Beethoven from... Beethoven's the only one I
know!
FRASIER: You know, it's never too late to learn. I'd be
delighted to give you some pointers. I will play Virgil to
your Dante. (Todd's lost) In a few weeks, I can guarantee
you, you will find that delightfully droll. Say, how about
that sherry? Which you should know, is a fortified wine.
TODD: Wow, Frasier, you really know your stuff! Look at
these great paintings, cool furniture, African sex toys!
This is how I should be living... how much you want for
the place? I could use a place in town. Name your price.
FRASIER: Oh no, Todd. My humble home is not for sale.
But, you know, as luck would have it, there happens
to be a unit available directly below mine.
TODD: This'll be great, we'll be neighbors! You can teach me
to have as much taste and style as you. And I can do
everything possible to make you the biggest star on radio.
FRASIER: I knew one day you'd come.
Café Nervosa. Niles is seated at a table. Frasier comes in.
FRASIER: Niles, mind if I join you?
NILES: Oh well, just for a little while, I'm meeting Mel here.
Oh, which reminds me. (slips on his wedding ring)
FRASIER: Oh dear, I am sorry to hear that.

NILES: Oh no, actually this is wonderful news. She called.
She said my days of playing the devoted husband are
coming to an end. Frasier, I think my wife is finally
going to dump me.
FRASIER: Oh, and they said it would last. You know,
actually, I'm celebrating an event myself. You see, I've
just become... a mentor.
NILES: Good for you, Frasier, helping the unprivileged.
FRASIER: Actually, he's a billionaire.
NILES: Ah, the forgotten minority.
FRASIER: It's the new station owner.
NILES: Oh, for heaven's sake, you're mentoring your boss?
How did you flatter your way into that job?
FRASIER: Well, Niles, I didn't. The boy practically begged
me. I mean, he got rich overnight, and he's hardly had
time to shed his fraternity house ways.
NILES: Sounds like an enormous project.
FRASIER: Well, I am a teacher at heart, after all. You know,
last night I took him to Le Café du Peridee, to practice
sending back wine. Excuse me. (answers phone) Hello?
Todd, yes, we were just talking about you! No, never
French cuffs with a button-down collar. (into phone) The
long collar, yes. What sort of stripes? Don't move, I'll be
right down there! (hangs up) I have to go. Ah, Mel.
NILES: Mel, hello. Well, I gather things are coming to an
end. Thank you for being true to your word.
MEL: No, thank you for doing such a good job in Phase
One. Niles, it occurred to me that if we end things now,
people will wonder why - when, you know, we've been
so happy. So I've decided that it's not so much that I'm
going to leave you, as you're going to drive me away.
NILES: How?
MEL: Through a series of staged events, in which you will
thoroughly humiliate yourself by playing the part of
a complete ass! For instance, this weekend we're going
to the opera…
NILES: I see. So you want me to hog the opera glasses and
remain seated during the ovation, something of that
nature? Well, I suppose I could manage it.
MEL: No, not quite. At the intermission, invariably some
board member will come over to say hello, and I want
you to fly into a jealous rage and throw a drink at him!
NILES: That is unthinkable! I have a reputation in this town
and nothing will make me behave that way!
MEL: Looks like we're going to be married for a long time.

Apartment. Night. Frasier opens the door to Roz and Kenny.
FRASIER: Oh, what are you two doing here? Todd's
apartment's one floor down.
ROZ: We know. But why walk into his housewarming
alone when we can go in with his idol?
FRASIER: Oh please, I'm hardly his idol. I'm a paragon at
best.
KENNY: What's that?
FRASIER: Oh, just a little something that Todd admired
when he was over.
KENNY: I didn't know we were supposed to bring gifts! Oh,
now I'm screwed! I am so fired. God, why did I give my
wife the go-ahead for that above-ground pool?
ROZ: Better calm down, Kenny. I gave you my last pair of
dress shields.
FRASIER: Now, remember that Todd has had people
working round the clock, transforming his apartment
into his vision of style and taste. And no matter how
primitive we may think it is, it's best to be kind. We
don't want to stifle his budding creativity.
ROZ: You also don't want to stifle that fat syndication deal
he's putting together for you.
TODD: Hey guys, come on in!
Todd has duplicated Frasier's apartment exactly.
Café Nervosa. Niles is at table. Frasier comes in and joins him.
FRASIER: Hello, Niles. Say, if memory serves, you went to
the opera with Mel last night. So, did you cause a public
spectacle? I didn't read anything in the society pages.
NILES: No, well, it didn't go exactly as I expected. At
intermission I got my drink and waited for someone to
approach Mel. And finally someone did. Founder's
Circle stalwart Ace Linneur. I coiled, panther-like, ready
to fling my drink on his shirtfront, when I noticed he was
wearing that wool crepe hand-tailored tuxedo of his.
Well, I couldn't raise my hand against such a
magnificent garment.
FRASIER: Niles, that tux is a blend and you know it.
NILES: Yes, of course I know it! Frasier, I just couldn't do it!
That kind of loutish behavior, it's just not in my nature.
FRASIER: Of course, Niles, that goes without saying. Just
remember for whom you're doing all this.
NILES: Believe me, Daphne is the only thing that is keeping
me going through all of this. Tonight I'm supposed to

meet Mel for dinner at Chez Henri, and make an ass of
myself in front of her society friends.
FRASIER: Oh, lord-Chez Henri. Their menu is just the
culinary minefield to test Todd's mettle. Hmm...
NILES: Oh, your protégé. How's that coming along?
FRASIER: Actually, things have taken a bit of an odd
turn. You see, yesterday I went to his housewarming
party. As it turns out, to my surprise, he has duplicated
my apartment exactly. Only thing missing is an old man
and a little dog. I was beside myself.
NILES: Well, of course you were! I assume you read him the
riot act.
FRASIER: Well, he is my boss. He has big plans for my show.
Do I really want to jeopardize that? There's Todd now.
(Frasier's and Todd's suits are exactly identical)
NILES: Hello, and may I say, what a lovely outfit. Hope you
got the volume discount.
TODD: Guess who's officially hooked on classics!
FRASIER: Oh well, good for you. Now Todd, I'd like to talk
to you about your apartment.
TODD: You don't like it.
FRASIER: Oh no, I do like it. I've liked it for eight years.
TODD: So what's the problem?
FRASIER: Well, I was hoping that my influence would help
you to find your own style, not that you would simply
duplicate mine.
TODD: What am I doing? I'm in way over my head here,
let's admit it, with all this culture stuff. I should just stick
to what I know, computers -- I'm a computer guy!
FRASIER: No, Todd, you know, perhaps we just took on a bit
too much too soon.
TODD: I need to move back to San Jose, sell the apartment,
sell the radio station…
FRASIER: Steady at the wheel, Todd. Now listen, all we're
really talking about is a couple of couches and some
coffee tables.
TODD: But you said we shouldn't have the same apartment.
FRASIER: Yes, and we shouldn't... Perhaps I'm being too
hasty about which of us should be doing the changing.
Perhaps I'm holding on too tight to my possessions!
Décor is, after all, a fluid art!
TODD: Should I be writing this down?
FRASIER: No, Todd. Listen, I want you to keep the
apartment the way it is. After all, it's a look that has
served me well, but it's time that I move on.

Chez Henri. Niles and Mel are with two other couples.
MEL: Niles, you have been behaving like a perfect
gentlemen all night… now cut it out! And do something
offensive!
NILES: I don't know at which table you've been sitting! Did
you not just see me unapologetically take the last roll?
MEL: I need more than that, and you know it. Now, my
friends are giving you plenty to work with. Andrew has
been drinking like a fish, and Margaret is wearing that
revolting dress again.
NILES: Meow! I'm glad you're on my side. I can do this.
MARGARET: Oh, you newlyweds! Just can't be apart for one
second!
MEL: We still have wine, would anyone like a refill?
ANDREW: I'm a little dry.
NILES: Dry? I know that's not your liver speaking!
MEL: Niles! We just discussed you were not going to bring
that up!
NILES: Well I did, so there. (she kicks him under the table) And
I'll say it again! You're probably seeing two of me, so you
might as well hear me twice! You sir, are a complete
drunk!
ANDREW: Niles, how could you... How could you know? I
thought I was hiding it so well. I have a problem, it's
time I face it.
CHIP: I've been meaning to say something, but I didn't
have the courage.
LUCY: Not like Niles. You're a good person.
ANDREW: I'm getting help first thing tomorrow. I'm so
sorry, baby.
MARGARET: (to Niles) Thank you for giving me my husband
back. Mel, darling, you married an angel.
MEL: Don't I know it.
Apartment. Martin comes into the living room. The Apartment is
now completely redecorated with black, boxy furniture.
FRASIER: What do you think of the new look?
MARTIN: Nice stuff. You really tied the flow to the motif.
FRASIER: Thanks for trying. Well, shall we give it a test
run? A little music...
Frasier tries to capture the right look over and over again until the
apartment is totally bare.
FRASIER: There's nothing here. I give up. I've tried a
million combinations. I even had early Byzantine
mingling with mid-century Danish!

MARTIN: Will they ever get along?
FRASIER: The only furniture that looks good in my
apartment is my own!
MARTIN: Well, I could have told you that three loveseats
ago! So what are you waiting for? Go bring it back!
DAPHNE: Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to
find your organic furniture polish.
FRASIER: Well Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to
polish the floors.
DAPHNE: Oh, yes. When God closes a door he opens a
window.
FRASIER: You know, Dad, even if I do get my furniture
back, it doesn't solve anything! There's still someone
downstairs with my apartment!
MARTIN: That's not your apartment, this is your apartment!
And if every stooge in the building rips you off, it
doesn't take anything away from you because you were
the original!
FRASIER: I am, aren't I? You know I did, after all, create
that look, and that should be gratification enough.
MARTIN: Good for you, son.
FRASIER: I mean, besides, you know, Todd's hardly ever
here. He doesn't have very many friends. You know, in
fact, the only person who's ever gonna see that
apartment is probably the Pizza Hut delivery boy! Ah
Todd, come on in.
TODD: Hey, Fras, I just need to know the name of the chick
who made our couch.
FRASIER: Oh, right, it's a reproduction of the one Coco
Chanel had in her Paris atelier. But why?
TODD: The writer from "Architectural Digest" wants to know.
They're doing a huge cover story on my apartment! And I
have you to thank for it, buddy! Well, I got to go, the
photographer's waiting. Later.
FRASIER: I need to sit down!