frasier - ten - 6.pdf

The Devil and Dr. Phil 

Fathers and Sons 

Analyzed Kiss 

A New Position For Roz 

FRASIER 

SEASON TEN PART 6

frasier season ten part six small black beetles: the overkill 

The Devil and Dr. Phil 

Frasier's Apartment. Martin comes out of his room in a robe. 

FRASIER: Dad, why aren't you dressed? It's four in the 

afternoon. 

MARTIN: Oh, I've been workin' nights. My body clock's 

off. I'm eating bacon and eggs at night and drinking 

beer in the morning. 

FRASIER: That's what you always do. 

MARTIN: Yeah, but now I'm tired all the time. 

DAPHNE: There must be some way to end this fight 

with your boss. 

FRASIER: What's the problem? 

MARTIN: Oh, he wants me to date his sister and I won't 

do it so he's put me on graveyard 'til I cave. 

FRASIER: He can't do that. Why don't you file a 

complaint? 

MARTIN: I'd just as soon keep it just between the two 

of us. 

FRASIER: I see. Is this woman really so repulsive that 

you're willing to sacrifice all your nights just to 

avoid a date with her? 

MARTIN: Well, let me put it this way: years of chewing 

tobacco have discolored her tooth. … Someone left a 

book of one-liners in the lost and found. Hey, 

Fraizh, there's your friend again. Dr. Phil. 

PHIL: I'll be talking about life strategies at the State 

Theater Friday through Sunday. Come join us, it 

might just change your life. 

MARTIN: Now, there's a doctor. 

DAPHNE: I never knew you were friends with Dr. Phil. 

FRASIER: Some years back we found ourselves 

running into each other at seminars and 

conferences. He's an excellent therapist. We had a 

bit of a clash over ethics. 

DAPHNE: Oh really. What did you do, sleep with a 

patient? 

FRASIER: Not MY ethics, his. The man bilked me out of 

two hundred dollars in a card game. 

MARTIN: He did not bilk you, it's called a one-eyed jack. 

FRASIER: Yes, yes, there is one eye, but the other eye is 

there by implication! Therefore, the hand should 

have been a do-over. And you can ask Niles about 

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this too! As far as I'm concerned, the man owes 

me two hundred dollars. 

MARTIN: This guy is so cheap, he could squeeze a 

nickel 'til the buffalo chokes. 

FRASIER: Dad, exactly how old is this book of oneliners? 

MARTIN: How old? You're asking me how old? Well, I'll 

tell you how old. 1956. 

Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Roz are at a table together. 

ROZ: Daphne told me all about Dr. Phil. I can't believe 

you know him. Do you think you can get me in 

backstage? 

FRASIER: Roz, I really hadn't planned on seeing him. 

ROZ: Oh, jealous, huh? That's okay, I understand. 

FRASIER: I most certainly am not jealous. The man 

happens to owe me two hundred dollars. 

ROZ: Right. But you know who could help you with 

your jealousy? Dr. Phil. He'd be like "So your 

jealousy of me has taken over your life. How's that 

workin' for ya?" 

FRASIER: Yes, and I'd be like "Fine. My money, sir." 

ROZ: Please? Please, do it for me, please? 

She heads for the door as Gertrude brings Frasier's coffee over. 

GERTRUDE: Here ya go. I couldn't remember if you 

wanted it black or not, so I brought it both ways. 

FRASIER: Well, that's very thoughtful of you. Thank 

you. (hands back one cup) 

GERTRUDE: You might as well keep it, you're paying for 

both. 

Daphne and Niles walk in and join Frasier. 

DAPHNE: Niles, look who's here. 

NILES: Oh, isn't that adorable? You see this couple, 

we've seen them in the park a few times. They're so 

sweet together. We like to think of them as us 

when we're older. 

DAPHNE: Look how old Niles still puts his jacket around 

old Daphne's shoulders. 

NILES: Oh, she's still a saucy little kitten. 

DAPHNE: And I'll bet he still rolls over in the middle of 

the night. 

FRASIER: Yes, the picture is gotten, thank you. 

NILES: Oh, I think I've found old Frasier. 

page 3


FRASIER: I see. Well, I hope the two of you will 

understand if, in future, I choose to knit scarves 

only for myself. 

NILES: Oh, come on, we were only joking. 

FRASIER: Yes, I know, it's all in good fun. 

The State Theater. Dr. Phil comes backstage. 

PHIL: Frasier Crane, is that you? 

FRASIER: Most assuredly. 

PHIL: Oh, it's you all right. So, how are you? 

FRASIER: I'm fine. How's Robin? 

PHIL: She's great. Can you believe it? We're going on 

twenty- seven years. And how's Lilith? 

FRASIER: Well, we've been divorced now for ten years. 

PHIL: Congratulations. So, how's your show? 

FRASIER: Oh, huge. Thank you. We just added Spokane 

last year. And a station in St. Paul... has agreed to 

let me send them a tape. 

PHIL: Can you believe after all that time we spent in the 

seminars that we both turned out to be 

broadcasters? Boy, those were some good times, 

weren't they? 

FRASIER: Oh, indeed they were. Although sometimes the 

fun and games were lacking in fun. 

PHIL: Are you still whining about that two hundred 

bucks? 

FRASIER: It's the principle of the thing! I'll tell you 

what, why don't we just discuss it over dinner? 

PHIL: Love to, can't. I am so busy: personal 

appearances and book signings and interviews. I've 

got this agent that's got me going twenty five/eight. 

In fact, speak of the devil, here she comes. 

BEBE: Phil, darling! That was sensational. Frasier. Roz. 

PHIL: You guys know each other? 

ROZ: She's my agent. 

FRASIER: And she used to be mine. 

PHIL: I probably should be going. 

BEBE: Isn't he marvelous? He's a cowboy wrapped in 

a genius wrapped in a dream wrapped in another 

cowboy. 

ROZ: I cannot believe that I have the same agent as Dr. 

Phil! 

BEBE: Actually, you don't. Somebody as big as Dr. 

Phil needs all of my attention. But rest assured you 

page 4


are being handled ably by an agent in whom I 

have the utmost confidence. 

FRASIER: However did you land Dr. Phil? 

BEBE: We met about a year ago a a charity donkey 

basketball game. Texas, darling. It's like the 

symphony to them. Long story short, I gave him 

some advice and finally he hired me full time. You 

can't imagine the connections I have these days. If 

only you and I had... well, that's water under the 

bridge, I guess. It's fun catching up, but Phil's 

interviewing stylists for the Emmys. Bye, Frasier. 

ROZ: What a phony, huh? 

FRASIER: She used to be my phony. 

Frasier's Apartment. 

FRASIER: Dad, do you think I did the right thing, 

changing agents? I mean, the one I have now is 

fine, but after I've seen what Bebe's done for Phil, I 

can't help wondering if maybe I've denied myself 

access to a wider world. Dad, are you all right? 

MARTIN: Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't talked to anybody for 

a few days, it feels kinda strange. Even this is 

making me a little uncomfortable. 

FRASIER: Dad, you have got to stop with the graveyard 

shifts or you're going to start seeing apparitions. 

MARTIN: No, don't worry about me, I'm pretty tough. 

Listen, I'd love to stay here talkin' to you, but all this 

sunlight is makin' me dizzy. 

FRASIER: What, you don't like the sun? 

MARTIN: Us night-shift guys call it "the scare ball." 

the doorbell rings 

BEBE: Hello, darling, I came across this old box of 

Frasier strategy memos and I thought I'd bring 

them by to you. 

FRASIER: Oh, I didn't realize there was so much. 

BEBE: And you thought I didn't work hard. 

FRASIER: Now now, there's no need to take that tone, 

things have certainly worked out okay for you, 

wouldn't you say? 

BEBE: Too true. But I can't be blamed for being a bit 

of a bitter Bebe. No one likes being tossed aside 

for a younger woman. 

FRASIER: Oh, Bebe, you know very well I only changed 

agents because you were ignoring me in favor of 

another client. 

page 5


BEBE: I wasn't ignoring you! I was only getting some 

much needed critical distance for a final glorious 

Frasierian push. But let's not rehash the past. 

FRASIER: Agreed. We accomplished too much together 

to stop being friends now. 

BEBE: True. Have you ever wondered what it would 

be like if I could apply what I've learned to you? 

FRASIER: Yes I have. But it cannot be. Can it? 

BEBE: Dangerous thoughts. You're a siren, luring me to 

the rocks. But I must resist or you'll hurt me again. 

FRASIER: No, I'm no siren, I'm a man. A man with 

ambitions. 

BEBE: Ambition. The word is candy to me. Damn you, 

devil-man, I must go. I'm all confused and woozy... 

FRASIER: I understand. But what about me? 

BEBE: Very well. Be at my hotel tonight for dinner. 

Perhaps you'll show me just how serious you are. 

Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are at a table. 

NILES: I think I figured it out: Bebe wants to have sex 

with a human male to bring about the Apocalypse. 

FRASIER: Perhaps. But here's my theory: Bebe's had a 

thing for me for years. This, coupled with the fact 

that control is an aphrodisiac for her, it's not 

surprising to find that she hopes to parlay her 

advantage into a sexual conquest. 

NILES: But surely you don't intend to let the promise 

of wealth and exposure lure you into her bed. 

FRASIER: It's not gonna come to that. It's all about the 

dance. It's all about the possibility of sex, the 

promise that's never delivered that keeps them 

tantalized. One only needs to know how not to 

cross the line. 

NILES: Excuse me, but didn't you sleep with her once? 

FRASIER: Yes, that's how I know where the line is. I 

almost feel sorry for her. Just another helpless 

woman suffering from an unslakable thirst for 

Crane! 

NILES: Still, I can't help thinking there's something 

Faustian about this whole thing. 

FRASIER: Faust was a moron. I'm gonna be a star! 

DAPHNE: Hello. Did you see who's here? (looks at the old 

couple) I wonder if you'll still be stirring my coffee 

like that when we're in our golden years. 

page 6


NILES: Yes. And I know that a touch from you then will 

be just as sweet as it is today. 

Another elderly woman (Mildred) comes in the door. 

MILDRED: So this is where you've been going! And 

with this tramp from water aerobics! 

OLD DAPHNE: You're married?! 

OLD NILES: I can explain! 

MILDRED: Don't bother, you worm! You promised that 

was it the last time! 

Bebe's Hotel Room. Frasier comes in. 

FRASIER: I see Phil has landed you in the lap of 

luxury. 

BEBE: Yes, it's a lovely suite. Unfortunately, there's 

some sort of choir championship this weekend and 

they practice at all hours. 

FRASIER: Is it Madrigal Madness already? I had no idea 

it was this close to Whitsun. 

BEBE: Please, darling, sit. I'll pour the champagne. 

FRASIER: I suppose a drop wouldn't hurt. So, you give 

any thought to taking me on again? 

BEBE: Yes I have. And I have to say there's almost 

nothing I'd enjoy more. But first, let's talk about what 

I'd enjoy more. 

FRASIER: You want more than ten percent? 

BEBE: I want you. And "yes" to the other thing. 

FRASIER: Bebe, I'm terribly flattered, it's just that... 

BEBE: Frasier, a few years ago I let down my guard 

and succumbed to your advances. 

FRASIER: You seduced ME! 

BEBE: It changed me, Frasier. If I crave your touch 

again, you've only yourself to blame. 

FRASIER: I'm not going to say that you're not a beautiful 

woman, but is it wise for us to jump into a 

relationship? 

BEBE: I'm only talking about having a little fun. After 

all, when I'm having fun, I'm happy. When I'm 

happy, I work harder. When I work harder, you 

become famous and rich and powerful. That's 

what you want, isn't it? Fame and power? 

FRASIER: I like to think of it more as influence, 

really, but... 

BEBE: I'll bet I can make you bigger than Dr. Phil! 

FRASIER: Is that running water I hear? 

page 7


BEBE: Yes, I'm steaming the wrinkles out of a dress. 

Does it put you in mind of a tropic night? A 

moonlit stroll, the rhythmic lapping of waves 

against the shore... 

FRASIER: You know, if it's silk the steam could damage 

it. Gosh, I better open a window. 

BEBE: Yes, darling, let the night in while I slip into 

something a little more comfortable. 

FRASIER: Well, if you want comfortable, how about that 

sweater ensemble I saw you in this morning. 

Bebe comes in dressed in a black nightgown. 

BEBE: Join me, I'll make your dreams come true. 

FRASIER: But... at what cost? 

BEBE: What I'm offering you is priceless. 

FRASIER: I CAN'T! 

Martin's Job. 5:29 A.M. A bag of popcorn ignites some sheets. 

SUPERVISOR: What the hell's goin' on? 

MARTIN: Oh, geez. Just sort of a minor accident here. 

But don't worry about it, everything's under 

control. So, what time do you want me to pick up 

your sister? 

Cafe Nervosa. Bebe comes in. 

FRASIER: Shouldn't you be in Los Angeles with Dr Phil? 

BEBE: That's up to you, Frasier. After our... meeting 

last night, I had to ask myself a very difficult 

question: Am I really that happy with Dr. Phil if I'm 

entertaining thoughts of returning to you? 

FRASIER: Are you saying you'll have me back? 

BEBE: How could I refuse you? Dr. Phil has been 

amusing, but I need a project. I need a Frasier 

Crane! Incidentally, Dr. Phil paid me fifteen 

percent. 

FRASIER: Well, as will Dr. Frasier. I've just got one very 

difficult call to make to my agent. 

BEBE: Already handled. I also took the liberty of 

calling Spokane, the terms of your deal there were 

worse than abysmal. 

FRASIER: Great, great! You got me more money? 

BEBE: No, they wouldn't budge, so you quit! You're no 

longer on in Spokane, isn't it exciting? 

ROZ: Wait a minute, that is a step backwards! 

page 8


BEBE: All the better to get a running start. In my 

opinion, the future is firmly in front of us. 

Congratulations, Frasier. 

FRASIER: Roz, isn't that great news? I feel as if a weight 

has been lifted from me. Oh, it's marvelous! 

ROZ: She's charging you more money and we just lost 

Spokane. 

FRASIER: Big picture! The future is firmly in front of 

me! 

ROZ: Isn't the future always in front of you? 

FRASIER: Yes, but not firmly! 

Bebe's Hotel Room. Bebe is playing poker with Dr. Phil. 

BEBE: Well, my little lamb has bleated back to me. 

Frasier has rejoined the flock. 

PHIL: So my debt is cleared? We don't have to keep 

pretending you're my agent? 

BEBE: We're square, darling. And maybe the next time 

you gamble with Bebe, you'll pay your debts with 

cash. 

PHIL: See, the problem is my wife looks at the bank 

statements and if she knew I was losing money 

playing cards, she would kill me. 

BEBE: So your wife doesn't know you play poker. 

PHIL: I don't tell her everything. 

BEBE: I see. And how's that workin' for you? 

PHIL: Just deal the cards. 

page 9


Fathers and Sons 

Cafe Nervosa. Niles and Daphne are at a table together. 

FRASIER: What is this? St. Osric's Pre-Kindergartener 

Academy and Day Care Center? Do I hear the pitterpatter 

of petite elite feet? 

NILES: No, it's just that the wait list for St. Osric's is up 

to four years. So I thought we should get our 

application in now to be safe. 

FRASIER: Very wise, Niles. You know, Lilith and I waited 

until Frederick was conceived before we enrolled 

him in private school. 

NILES: Mr. Procrastinator. 

DAPHNE: It's pre-kindergarten. They run around, they 

sing, they nap. I mean, how special can St. Osric's 

really be? 

NILES: Well, I hear the top two percent in coloring and 

putting away can pretty much write their own 

ticket. 

FRASIER: Guess who's coming to visit? Leland Barton. 

He was Mom's research assistant. They worked 

together closely for years. We were just boys when 

he moved to France. Apparently he gave up 

psychiatry and immersed himself in the Paris art 

world. Today he sits on the board of the Paris 

Museum of Modern Art. 

NILES: It takes a brave man to just chuck it all. Cross 

the ocean in pursuit of a new life in a new country. 

DAPHNE: Or a brave woman. 

NILES: Oh, yes, that's absolutely right. That's exactly 

what you did. 

FRASIER: Just like Dr. Barton you bade farewell to the 

comforts of hearth and home and filled your sails 

with the winds of change and adventure. 

DAPHNE: I never looked at it that way. Now I'll have 

something to think about this afternoon when 

I'm rubbing your dad's bum. 

Frasier's Apt. Roz comes in. She has Eddie and Ariel with her. 

MARTIN: Hey, Roz, how was the dog park? 

ROZ: Well, I got a phone number. 

FRASIER: Is that why you people have pets? To get 

dates? 

page 10


ROZ: No, but it's a plus. I've never met one person who 

didn't get at least one date through their pet. 

FRASIER: Well, meet me! Four years of high school and 

not a single encounter generated! Stupid fish. 

The doorbell rings. 

FRASIER: Oh, that'll be Leland. 

ROZ: Who's Leland? 

MARTIN: He was Hester's research assistant. Used to 

follow her around like a puppy. I think he was 

always a little bit jealous of me, to be honest. Not 

that he was alone. 

LELAND: Hello, Frasier. My God, look at you. I haven't 

seen you since you were about, what, seven years 

old. And you still look good in a suit. Martin, you 

have not changed a whit. 

MARTIN: My hair's gray and I've got a bullet in my hip. 

LELAND: Well, I'm bigger and balder, but I don't want to 

hear about it. And you must be... I'm assuming you 

don't go by "Niles" anymore. 

FRASIER: No, this is my producer Roz Doyle. My 

brother's not here. 

ROZ: It's nice to meet you. I guess I should be going. 

LELAND: Oh, not on my account, I hope. 

FRASIER: Can I get anybody a drink? 

LELAND: Not unless you happen to have any sherry. 

FRASIER: Oh, I think I can scare up a glass. Roz? 

ROZ: Oh, I'll have a beer, please. 

MARTIN: Well, I can handle that. 

ROZ: So, I hear you worked with Frasier's mom. 

LELAND: Yes, I did. She was a remarkable woman. 

Brilliant, playful, passionate. I adored her. This 

sherry is exquisite. 

FRASIER: Oh, thank you. It's an Andalusian Amontillado 

I'm rather fond of. 

LELAND: A connoisseur. I'm very surprised. Most 

Americans think that sherry is just for cooking. 

FRASIER: Oh, my brother and I have always had a 

taste for it. 

MARTIN: Well, you didn't get any of that from me. I 

always hated the stuff. You know, come to think 

of it, so did your mom. 

Eddie jumps up on the couch and stares at Leland. 

LELAND: Can I help you? Why is he doing that? 

page 11


FRASIER: I don't really know. He used to do that to me. 

But I'll tell you what, just don't get in a staring 

contest with him, that's what he wants. 

MARTIN: Come on, Eddie, get down. I'm sorry, I don't 

know what got into him. I'll get him a treat. 

LELAND: Frasier, this is remarkable. You and I seem to 

have the same taste in art. Rauschenberg, Otterson, 

African statuary and sculpture. Although, I must 

confess, I'm not familiar with that one. 

FRASIER: Oh, that's because while most Ashanti statues 

are intended to ward off evil spirits, this one was 

designed to distract me while my pockets were 

picked at the Kinshasa Airport. 

ROZ: You two have a lot in common. Psychiatry and 

sherry and art... 

LELAND: And furniture. That is a Coco Chanel sofa 

unless I'm mistaken. 

FRASIER: It is an exact replica of the one in her Paris 

atelier. You know, not many people even notice it. 

LELAND: Well, not many people have passed out drunk 

on the original. 

FRASIER: Oh, I would love to hear that story. 

LELAND: Well you are in luck, because I love to tell it. 

But first, let me thank you for making me feel so 

welcome. I must confess, I had some reservations 

about returning to Seattle, but you've dispelled 

them all. To you. 

Niles and Daphne are working on a pre-school application. 

NILES: Okay, we just need to fill in a name and I can 

get the application over to St. Osric's. 

DAPHNE: How can we have a name? I'm not even 

pregnant yet. 

NILES: Well, it's not THE name, it's just a place holder. 

Anything will do. 

DAPHNE: All right, how about... Simon? 

NILES: As in your brother with the substance abuse 

problem, Simon? 

DAPHNE: There are other Simons, you know. Simon 

Templar, Simon Legree... Simon Chipmunk. 

NILES: Not exactly building a case for "Simon". How 

about Jill? 

DAPHNE: No, don't like it. That's the name of that 

weather tart on channel eight. 

page 12


NILES: All right, let's just pick a name at random. Like 

out of the phone book. 

DAPHNE: That's a good idea. Leave it to fate. 

NILES: Okay. When I stop, you point. “Bob.” Great. "Bob 

Crane." Okay, we're going to need some Wite-Out. 

Cafe Nervosa. Leland, Niles, Frasier and Martin walk in. 

LELAND: Oh, listen to me. I've been talking your ears 

off for the last hour about psychiatry. 

NILES: Leland, it is such a pleasure to talk shop with a 

fellow nutcracker. 

LELAND: And talking to you Jung people makes me 

feel like an "id" again. 

NILES: Do you have a pun, Frasier? 

FRASIER: No, let's just sit down. Oh, you know, there is a 

wonderful Brassai exhibit in town. What do you say 

we stop over there after lunch? 

LELAND: I would love that. I'm a big fan. 

NILES: Oh, I wish I could join you, I have patients all 

afternoon. I don't suppose you'd be willing to go 

now, would you? 

LELAND: Oh, fine by me. 

FRASIER: Oh, certainly, let's go get our coffee at the 

museum. Dad, Roz, any chance you'd like to take in 

some Parisian photos taken by an old Romanian 

master? 

MARTIN: Hmm... no. 

ROZ: Thanks, anyway. 

Martin and Roz are walking down the street talking. 

MARTIN: Well, I don't blame her for that. Leland's more 

like 'em than I am. 

ROZ: Really? You really think so? 

MARTIN: Oh, come on. How can you not see it? They're 

like three fancy peas in a pod. 

ROZ: Well, I did notice that they have the same taste in 

art and music, and they even have some of the same 

mannerisms. 

MARTIN: Yeah. And Leland and Niles are both allergic to 

rose hips and Jerusalem artichokes. Weird, huh? 

ROZ: When Leland started talking to me last night 

about how close he and Hester were, I started 

thinkin' what you're thinkin'. 

page 13


MARTIN: And what am I thinking? What are you saying? 

You think he's their father? 

ROZ: No, I wasn't saying that! 

MARTIN: Lots of people like art and sherry and French 

stuff. It doesn’t mean they're related. By your 

logic, everyone on the cooking channel is their 

father. 

Frasier's Apt. Niles is going through a manuscript. 

NILES: Leland, your autobiography is wonderful. 

LELAND: Thank you. Let us hope that the publishing 

houses feel similarly. 

NILES: Have you shown it to Frasier? 

LELAND: No, I haven't. How's he feeling by the way? 

NILES: Let's go see. Bring the manuscript, he'd love to 

see it. (on the phone) Okay, so "Delilah" is out? No, 

that's fine. What are your ideas? ... Taylor. Fletcher. 

Cooper. Tanner? Where are you getting these, the 

Big Book of Medieval Professions? 

Frasier's bedroom. He is in bed, sick. Leland comes in. 

LELAND: Frasier, how are you doing? 

FRASIER: Oh, I'm afraid my stomach is still churning. 

I'm not going to be able to make dinner. 

LELAND: I understand. I'll leave you to rest. Perhaps, 

though, later if you're feeling better I can get your 

opinion on a short section of my autobiography. 

FRASIER: Well, when I can't give an opinion you may as 

well call the coroner, tag my toe, I'm dead. 

The living room. Niles is still talking to Daphne. 

NILES: No. That's a kind of car. 

MARTIN: Hey, Niles. What's going on? 

NILES: Oh, we were going to go out to dinner with 

Leland, but Frasier's not feeling well. 

MARTIN: Oh. Well, maybe I'll go check on him. 

NILES: (into phone) Now it just sounds like you're reading 

from the spice rack. 

Frasier's room. Leland is reading aloud to Frasier. 

LELAND: “I realized the sherpa had become my guide in 

more ways than one.” 

FRASIER: Oh, that was wonderful. Read me another. 

page 14


MARTIN: Hey, I was wondering how you were doing. 

FRASIER: Oh, well, not so good, actually. I'm afraid I'm 

going to have to skip dinner. Why don't you go in 

my place? 

MARTIN: Sure, if you want me to. 

FRASIER: All right. You know, the two of you should 

get going, really. You'll miss the reservation. 

MARTIN: Right. Get well, son. 

LELAND: We'll be wishing you a speedy recovery. 

MARTIN: Oh, Fraizh, you want me to bring you back 

something from the restaurant? Maybe some Jell-o 

to sooth your tummy? 

FRASIER: Thank you, Dad, it's all taken care of. 

Leland's going to bring me some consomme and 

sorbet. 

the living room as Leland comes in 

LELAND: Well, Niles, it looks like your dad is going to 

take Frasier's place at dinner. 

NILES: Oh, excellent. My leg's asleep. 

LELAND: Oh, move your foot around. 

NILES: No, it's the whole leg. I'll just wait it out. 

LELAND: But the movement will get the blood flowing. 

Go ahead, give it a try. 

NILES: No, I can't put weight on it. 

LELAND: Sure you can. Give it a try. Come on, one step 

at a time. That a boy. Keep going, there we are. 

KACL. Martin is talking to Roz in the booth. 

ROZ: You really think your wife would have ever 

cheated on you? 

MARTIN: She did. She said it happened once. 

ROZ: Oh, my God. With Leland? 

MARTIN: No, someone else. 

ROZ: You know, I think that you're driving yourself 

crazy for nothing here. Of course Frasier and Niles 

are your sons. You're exactly like them. 

MARTIN: Like? How? 

ROZ: Your strong sense of ethics. 

MARTIN: Yeah, we are ethical. What else? 

ROZ: The way they spin out of control. 

MARTIN: Yeah, that's true. They get that from me. 

ROZ: Their stubbornness. 

page 15


MARTIN: I'm not stubborn. 

ROZ: Their defensiveness. 

MARTIN: What's that supposed to mean? 

ROZ: The way they completely dismiss anyone who 

doesn't share their opinion. 

MARTIN: Oh, now you're just being dumb. 

ROZ: Hey, what is the worst-case scenario? If you 

found out you weren't their father, would you love 

them any less? 

MARTIN: No, no. Well, yeah, a little maybe, at first. But 

no, I'd feel the same about them as I hope they 

would about me. 

ROZ: Which they would. And you know that. 

MARTIN: Yeah. I mean, you'd still love Alice if you found 

out you'd gotten the wrong baby at the hospital. 

And as a cop, I've seen that happen more often 

than you'd think. Especially at Seattle General. 

ROZ: I had Alice at Seattle General. 

MARTIN: Oh, sorry. But the point was, that you'd love 

her just the same, so who cares who her real 

mother is. 

ROZ: I'm her real mother! 

MARTIN: Okay, geez. 

Niles' Apt. Niles and Daphne are still trying for a name. 

DAPHNE: "Desmond Crane, you are hereby sentenced 

to..." No, I don't like it. What about "Jack"? 

NILES: 'Fraid not. The first name ends with the same 

sound that begins the last name. So you either run 

them together "JacKrane", or you face the dreaded 

glottal stop "JacK Crane", "JacK Crane". It's 

unpleasant for the throat. 

DAPHNE: This conversation's unpleasant for the throat. 

NILES: Why don't we use the name of that nice nurse 

from when I was in the hospital? 

DAPHNE: "Fong" or "DeShandra"? 

NILES: Well, wait. Let's not drive ourselves crazy 

about this. It's a temporary name for a hypothetical 

child. 

DAPHNE: Yes, but once you give something a name, it 

makes it more real. And then that name will always 

have a sort of priority. I don't care how often you 

say "elevator" or "apartment" or "crossing guard," to 

me they'll always be "lifts" and "flats" and "lollipop 

men." 

page 16


NILES: Well then, tell you what. You pick a name and 

I'll accept it unconditionally. 

DAPHNE: "Milton". 

NILES: "Milton." Great poet and a great name. Hey, 

didn't you have a soccer hooligan boyfriend 

named Milton? 

DAPHNE: Yeah. That's where I got it. 

Frasier's Apt. Niles is playing the piano. 

LELAND: What a wonderfully musical family you are. 

MARTIN: We sure are. Me and my boys. My boys and 

me. We're wonderful and we're musical. 

LELAND: Martin, I can't tell you what a wonderful job 

you've done with them. 

MARTIN: Oh, it wasn't a job, it was a biological pleasure! 

And don't forget I had Hester. 

LELAND: Well, you were lucky. She was a splendid 

woman and a remarkable research partner. 

MARTIN: And an even better life partner. 

LELAND: Well, I wouldn't know about that. 

MARTIN: Damn straight you wouldn't. 

FRASIER: Leland, your cab is waiting. 

LELAND: Oh, so soon. Well, I can't thank you enough for 

all your courtesies. If you are ever in Paris you must 

allow me to repay your many kindnesses. I'm so 

proud of the way you boys have turned out. 

MARTIN: Let me walk you out. Leland, there's a 

question I need to ask you. I'm a little 

uncomfortable even bringing it up, but I don't 

think I could let you leave the country without 

knowing the answer. I know that you and my wife 

spent a lot of time together. That you were close... 

LELAND: I loved her very much. 

MARTIN: Then I guess my question is: How much? 

LELAND: Enough to trust her with the fact that I'm gay. 

You know, forty years ago people weren't as 

accepting as they are nowadays. And without 

someone like her to confide in... she quite probably 

saved my life. 

MARTIN: Leland, she loved you too. 

LELAND: She really was something, wasn't she? 

MARTIN: She really was. Take care, Leland. 

page 17


Cafe Nervosa. Daphne is staring at the St. Osric's application. 

ROZ: Oh, my God, are you still stuck picking a name 

for that application? 

DAPHNE: Yeah, we can't come up with one. 

ROZ: Give it to me. I'll fill it in and you'll never have to 

see it and you won't feel stuck with it. 

DAPHNE: That's a great idea. 

Five years later. St. Osric's Pre-kindergartener Academy. 

DIRECTOR: Howard Clifton is officially accepted. Who do 

we have next? 

COMMITTEEMAN: Last name "Crane", first name... 

"Ichabod". 

DIRECTOR: Well, if they're not going to take the 

application seriously, how can we expect them to 

take St. Osric's seriously? (stamps it "ADMISSION 

DENIED") 

page 18


Analyzed Kiss 

Radio Studio. Frasier is nearing the end of his show. 

FRASIER: Well, I think we’ve got time for one last caller. 

Roz, who have we got? Well, I suppose I’ll be 

fielding this last one myself. Let’s try line two. Go 

ahead, caller, your name and problem, please. 

ERNIE: My name’s Ernie, and I’m real angry at my dog. 

FRASIER: Okay, Ernie. Very often when people have 

feelings towards their pets it often reflect feelings 

they have about themselves and their place in 

society. So tell me, why are you angry at your dog? 

ERNIE: He keeps telling me to take off my foil helmet. 

FRASIER: Would you hold on, Ernie? Someone will come 

on the line with the number of an expert in this sort 

of situation. Let’s try line four. 

ROZ: Oh yes, of course I’m interested! I’ll fax my 

resume right over! 

FRASIER: Well, the news is up next, followed by the 

market update with Julia Wilcox. That’s it for me 

today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying good day and 

good mental health. 

KENNY: Another great show, doc. 

FRASIER: Did you even listen? 

KENNY: You don’t have to eat every Big Mac to know 

it’s a delicious hamburger sandwich. 

FRASIER: Roz, what’s going on? 

ROZ: I’m sorry, but they want to interview me for the 

program director job at KPXY. 

FRASIER: Well... that’s great, but I didn’t even know you 

were looking. 

ROZ: I wasn’t! They just called me, out of the blue! 

I’m actually shocked, because I have very limited 

experience in management. But, well, Kenny’s in 

management, how hard can it be? 

KENNY: Hey, it’s not that easy. I know it looks like a 

monkey can do my job, but it can’t. True story. 

FRASIER: Well, gosh, Roz, I must say I’ve got some 

mixed feelings about this. I mean, I couldn’t be 

happier that you’re finally getting the recognition 

you deserve, but I’m gonna miss you. 

ROZ: Oh, let’s wait ‘til there’s a real offer before we 

break out the Kleenex and champagne. 

page 19


JULIA: Roz, Kenny told me about your job interview. 

Good luck. 

ROZ: Oh, I get it. It’ll be good luck because if I get the 

job, I’ll be gone. 

JULIA: No, it sounds like a good position for you. 

ROZ: Right, 'cause I get into a lot of sexual positions 

with a lot of guys. 

JULIA: I’m saying congratulations. 

ROZ: Oh. Thank you. (to Frasier) What’s her problem? 

Roz closes her door. Frasier turns to Julia. 

FRASIER: You’re being uncharacteristically decent 

today. You all right? 

JULIA: I’m fine. All right, I might as well tell you 

before he does. Avery and I broke up. I got tired 

of listening to him promise he’d leave his wife. 

FRASIER: I’m sorry. I realize you must be going 

through... 

JULIA: Oh, I don’t need your sympathy. I’m not one of 

your pathetic code-three whackadoos. 

FRASIER: I was just trying to help. No need to insult my 

callers. 

ROZ: Foil Helmet Guy says his dog needs to speak to 

you. 

Café Nervosa. Every table is occupied. Frasier enters. 

FRASIER: Gosh, I’ve never seen this place so crowded. 

What’s the occasion? 

DAPHNE: It’s Mum’s day off. Apparently there was a 

mass e-mail. 

FRASIER: So, is Niles going to be joining us? 

DAPHNE: No, he’s taking your father to the shooting 

range. 

FRASIER: Oh, yes, of course, I’d forgotten. He asked me 

to take him, but then I suggested that when it 

comes to guns, perhaps he would prefer someone of 

Niles’s... caliber. I’m in rare form today. 

DAPHNE: You should see this place when they know 

you’re not coming. 

Julia comes in, talking on her cell phone. 

JULIA: No, Avery... two-thirds of the work on that 

program is mine! Well, I don’t have to prove it, it’s a 

fact! Oh yeah? Well, I should have expected as 

much from a man who wears leopard print bikini 

briefs! (to the whole café) Avery McManus wears shiny, 

acetate, man-panties! (to Frasier) Now that I’ve 

page 20


dumped your bastard accountant, he’s trying to cut 

me out of our software program. We – mostly me – 

developed a proprietary method for analyzing 

price/volume momentum – I call it vector scaling – 

that can quantify the likelihood of longer-term 

trends. Do you realize what that means? That 

program is my baby, I have been working on it for 

months. I think your bastard accountant has been 

using me all along. Thanks for setting us up! 

FRASIER: I did no such thing! 

JULIA: You know what I ought to do? I ought to go down 

to his office, demand my files, and then trash the 

place! 

FRASIER: Just a second, sit down. Take a moment to 

calm down before you make any rash decisions. 

JULIA: In a few hours, I’m leaving town for a week. 

There’s no way I’m leaving your bastard accountant 

in control of those files. 

FRASIER: All right, if you insist, then perhaps I should 

go with you. Maybe I can help facilitate things. 

JULIA: Why? What’s in it for you? 

FRASIER: Nothing! Surely you can conceive of the 

possibility that someone might want to just do 

something nice for you? 

JULIA: You and Avery are in this together, aren’t you? 

FRASIER: Of course not! You’re not being rational, you 

know. Perhaps Avery is just holding your program 

hostage because he feels hurt. Perhaps this is his 

clumsy way of trying to initiate a dialogue. 

JULIA: You really do try to see the best in everyone, 

don’t you? So, what do you see when you look at me? 

FRASIER: Well... I see a woman who’s been hurt, not 

once but many times. A woman who finds it so 

difficult to trust someone, she won’t allow herself 

to be vulnerable. A woman whose eyes are going 

to get stuck if she keeps rolling them like that! 

Shooting Range. Niles is looking extremely uncomfortable. 

MARTIN: Look at that grouping! 

NILES: Hey, Dad, you about ready to go? 

MARTIN: I guess I’ve still got the touch. Hey, Niles, 

you ought to give it a try. 

NILES: Thanks, Dad, you know how I feel about 

handguns. They breed violence. 

page 21


MARTIN: Oh, come on, this is just simple target shooting, 

that’s all. Ha-ha! Here’s one dirtbag isn’t going to be 

selling crack at any schoolyards anytime soon. 

Three men come over, having heard Niles. 

RED: You should listen to the man. Shooting’s a great 

sport. Red Brewer. And these clowns here are Mitch 

and Wayne. Listen Niles, let me show you how to do 

this. I think you’ll enjoy it. It’s pretty simple. You 

just take a solid stance, hold the grip firmly, steady 

your gun hand with your other, fingers to fingers, 

thumbs to thumb, focus on the front sight, and 

squeeze the trigger. Okay, you try. 

NILES: Oh, you know, no offense, but I’m not real 

comfortable with guns. 

RED: You know, Mitch used to be that way, too. 

MITCH: Yeah, the only weapon I’d go near was a bow 

and arrow. 

NILES: I got an archery badge at day camp. 

RED: This is like archery, but safer. The weapon’s more 

stable, and you’re in a controlled environment. 

MARTIN: Go on, give it a try, son. 

NILES: Well, I’ll do one little one. 

RED: Just remember: stance, grip, aim, relax, shoot. 

NILES: Okay. … Did I do it? 

RED: You not only did it, you hit the target. See? Sixth 

ring out. Look at the kid, he hit the target his first 

time. 

MITCH: Not bad, kid. 

WAYNE: Way to go, kid. 

MARTIN: That’s my kid! 

NILES: That was a unique experience. I’m sure I’ll dine 

out on that story for months. 

RED: Don’t quit now, go again. But remember, this 

time, squeeze the trigger, don’t pull. … Wow, you’re 

pretty good at this! The kid’s a natural, am I right? 

NILES: Can I go again? 

Avery’s Office. Julia is pacing outside, when Frasier comes in. 

JULIA: What took you so long? 

FRASIER: I was looking for street parking. Do you have 

any idea how much this garage charges? 

JULIA: Avery’s not here. 

FRASIER: Great, it cost me three-fifty to find that out. 

page 22


JULIA: No, it’s good. It’ll make it easier for me to get 

my program back. 

FRASIER: What do you mean? 

JULIA: I know his keypad code. 

FRASIER: What? That is breaking and entering! 

JULIA: If you’re so scared, why don’t you just leave? 

FRASIER: Well, I’m not scared! I’ll have you know I’ve 

had my fair share of escapades. Back in med 

school I once dressed a cadaver in cap and gown... 

JULIA: Oh, here’s my program! Okay, good. (logs on the 

computer) Now, just in case he backed it up, I am 

going to delete everything from his hard drive. 

FRASIER: Julia, I beg you to rethink this. I realize you’re 

angry at Avery… 

JULIA: I’m not feeling anger. Just the peace that comes 

with knowing that Avery will be royally screwed – 

by me. 

FRASIER: There’s somebody at the door! 

They rush into a closet as someone is heard entering the code. 

JULIA: It’s the cleaning woman. I thought so, I’ve 

hidden from her before. 

FRASIER: Julia, there’s still time to end this. Look, you 

know that what you’re doing is wrong. You should 

just get out now before more harm is done. 

JULIA: Will you shut up? It’s pointless to hide in a 

closet if the people outside can hear you! 

FRASIER: You’re going to get caught. 

JULIA: Because you won’t shut up! 

FRASIER: It’s never too late to do the right thing. No 

matter how low someone else sinks, joining them 

there does not make things better. 

Julia wraps her arms around his neck, and kisses him. 

FRASIER: What was that? You kissed me. 

JULIA: I was trying to shut you up. 

FRASIER: Oh, no. I’ve been kissed to shut me up 

before. This was not that. 

JULIA: Got it. All files deleted. You know, that didn’t 

make me feel as good as I thought. 

FRASIER: That’s because you know you did the wrong 

thing. 

Julia shoves the contents of the desktop onto the floor. 

JULIA: Ah, that’s better. 

page 23


Café Nervosa. 

ROZ: Well, it doesn’t look like I’ll be leaving KACL 

anytime soon. 

FRASIER: Well... dear lord, what happened, Roz? 

ROZ: Turns out the person who’s interviewing me is a 

guy I’ve slept with. 

FRASIER: What are the odds? 

ROZ: It was ten years ago, at a convention in Cancun. 

We were all hammered. 

FRASIER: Oh, I’m surprised you even remember him. 

ROZ: Well, it’s hard to forget when you wake up with a 

nametag on your pillow that says, “Hola! My name 

is Woody Wiswell.” 

FRASIER: So what’s the problem? 

ROZ: There’s just something weird about it. I don’t 

know, maybe I’m just freaking myself out because 

I’m not sure I’m ready for this job. 

FRASIER: Well, of course you are, Roz. I mean, come on, 

don’t doubt yourself. Listen, they’re the ones that 

called you, right? You go down there and you get 

that job. You’re going to make a great program 

director. 

ROZ: You really think I will? 

FRASIER: Of course I do. Even though I wish you could 

stay with me forever. I’m going to miss you so much. 

ROZ: Oh, stop it! I don’t even have the job yet, you’re 

gonna jinx it! Listen, I’d better go and get my 

presentation together so I can impress Woody 

Wiswell. 

FRASIER: Seems to me you’ve impressed him already. 

As Roz leaves, she passes Julia, entering. 

FRASIER: Listen, Julia, I’ve been dying to talk to you all 

week long about what happened in Avery’s office. 

Obviously something is going on, and I have several 

hypotheses. It could be displaced passion, 

frustration from a failed relationship, or an 

adrenaline-induced action as a result of stress we 

were both suffering from... 

JULIA: Oh, Frasier, for once in your life, would you 

please shut up? 

She leaves, passing Martin and Niles entering. 

MARTIN: Fras, you look a little down. Everything okay? 

FRASIER: Dad, if you had any perspicacity whatsoever, 

you would know that this expression is merely 

ruminative perplexity. 

page 24


MARTIN: My bad. 

FRASIER: It’s nothing serious. I’ll work it out. 

NILES: You know where I like to work things out? The 

shooting range. 

FRASIER: Good Lord, Niles, are you still going down 

there? I thought you hated guns. 

NILES: Oh, believe me, I never expected I’d like it as 

much as I do. But when you’re in that booth, 

focused on precision, and accuracy, it’s not 

dissimilar to a kind of meditation. Wouldn’t you 

agree, Dad? 

MARTIN: I just like to shoot stuff, son. 

NILES: Fair enough. You should join us. There’s a great 

bunch of guys I shoot with. I think you’d like them. 

FRASIER: Well, I’m not sure I’d fit in with a bunch of 

trigger-happy gun nuts. 

NILES: Now, don’t stereotype them. These are decent 

family men who enjoy marksmanship. It’s a good 

group we’ve got. Dad and I are going down this 

afternoon. 

MARTIN: I don’t think I’m going to come today, Niles. 

NILES: Well... it’s Mitch’s birthday. 

MARTIN: Well, I usually go shooting twice a year or so, 

and after this week I’ve had my fill. 

NILES: Well, I’m still going. My shooting’s getting better 

and better. Oh, plus the gun show is in town and the 

guys are bringing me passes. 

FRASIER: A gun show? What’s next, square dancing? 

NILES: Maybe. This country was built by gun-totin’ 

square dancers. 

Woody Wiswell’s Office. 

ROZ: So, I really appreciate you bringing me in for this 

interview. I’ve been listening to your station for a 

while, and I’ve prepared a little presentation that I 

think will show you what I can bring to the KPXY 

family. 

WOODY: Oh, that’s not necessary. I mean, this is just a 

formality. Trust me, I know what you can do. I 

already told the guys about you. 

ROZ: What exactly did you tell them? 

WOODY: Oh, you know – how incredible you are. 

ROZ: Okay, look, I think there’s something that needs 

to be said here. Why don’t we just get it all out in 

the open? Yes, we slept together in Cancun, but I 

page 25


don’t want that to affect the job. I mean, it was ten 

years ago, I... 

WOODY: What are you talking about? Look, I think you 

have me mistaken for someone else. 

ROZ: And I think I would remember a name like Woody 

Wiswell. I mean, seriously, who's named Woody 

Wiswell? 

WOODY: Yeah, well, just me and my dad. 

Gun Show. Daphne looks on uncomfortably. 

DAPHNE: Darling, I just don’t think you need an ankle 

holster when you don’t even own a gun. 

NILES: Well, first of all, who says it’s for me, Miss I- 

Never-Surprise-You-Anymore? And second of all, I’m 

thinking I might own a gun soon. 

DAPHNE: No, you won’t. 

NILES: No, don’t worry. I would keep the gun in a 

locker at the shooting range. I would never have a 

gun in the same house as your mother. 

RED: Hey, how’s it going, kid? Listen, we’ve been 

talking it over, and since we get along so well at 

the club, we’d like to invite you down to our 

compound in Idaho for a weekend. 

NILES: A compound? It’s just like the Kennedys! That 

sounds smashing. 

RED: Hey, that’s the spirit. 

MITCH: See, I told you. Hey, look, you’re good at math, 

right? Come help me guess how many shells are in 

that jar so I can win the ATV? 

NILES: Oh, excuse me. What kind of TV? 

MARTIN: Red, hold on a second. Just what kind of 

place do you guys have in Idaho? 

RED: Run-of-the-mill compound in the wilderness – 

free country where we live by the true Constitution. 

DAPHNE: They’re those militia people! You fix this, now. 

NILES: This is fun, huh? 

MARTIN: Uh, son... 

DAPHNE: What your father means is, you shouldn’t be 

friends with these people. 

NILES: I can’t believe you two. You’re always telling 

me my friends are too artsy and too snooty. Now I 

finally have friends who are regular guys, and you 

don’t like them either? Well, I’m having a good 

time, and I’m enjoying being a regular guy myself. 

MARTIN: They want to overthrow the government! 

page 26


NILES: That’s what you say about public television. … 

Hey, guys, whatcha doing? 

RED: We’re chipping in for this gas-powered 

generator. We’re going to need it when it comes time 

for the New World Order. 

NILES: Well, that sounds great, excuse me just a second. 

… Okay, they’re militia. Go go go go go.... 

Radio Studio. Frasier is talking to Roz in her booth. 

FRASIER: I just don’t understand how this sort of thing 

can happen. Don’t you look at faces? 

ROZ: It was a long time ago, it was dark. And get off 

my case because it doesn’t matter anyway - I got 

the job! It is going to be sad to leave the station. But 

it’s not like I’m leaving town. 

FRASIER: Julia! Listen, you can try to avoid me all you 

like. We are going to talk this thing out. 

JULIA: Fine, fine. Anything to get you off my back. I 

was looking at you in the closet, and thinking how 

you always try to do the right thing, and I felt a 

rush of affection for you. Call me cynical, but I’ve 

come to accept that most people live by the rule 

of screw or be screwed. But to see you, and how 

much you care, and really mean it... well, it’s 

endearing. Irritating, but endearing. 

FRASIER: Well, you know, I am flattered, but there are a 

lot of genuine people out there. It’s just that for 

whatever reason – fear, anger, hurt - they’re afraid 

to show it... 

Julia grabs him again and kisses him deeply. 

JULIA: Oh, it’s just like the feeling you get when you 

see a cute teddy bear in the store and you want to 

hug it until its head pops off! 

FRASIER: Could I possibly irritate you over dinner 

some night? 

JULIA: Well, if anybody could, it’d be you. 

FRASIER: Take your time, work things out. I’m not 

going anywhere. I realize that you’re in a 

vulnerable place right now, and that... 

She gives him a quick peck on the lips. 

FRASIER: Oh, I recognize that one. That was to shut 

me up. 

page 27


A New Position For Roz 

KACL. Frasier is discussing the state of his show with Kenny. 

FRASIER: Kenny, this is not amateur hour. My show is 

already suffering enough just losing Roz. I will not 

let you replace her with a complete novice. 

KENNY: Come on, don't you remember when you were a 

young whippersnapper with nothing but a 

pantload of talent and a headful of dreams? 

FRASIER: Are we still talking about Noel? 

Noel is in Roz's usual place. Roz is standing behind him. 

FRASIER: Good afternoon, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier 

Crane. Before we get to our first call, I'd like to 

remind you that we are losing our beloved 

producer, Roz Doyle in a couple of weeks to another 

career opportunity. In the meantime, we have 

with us today Noel Shempsky, a KACL employee 

whose sole qualification for this job seems to be that 

he has never taken a sick day. 

NOEL: Good afternoon, listeners, near and stars away. 

Our first query comes from a Class M planet we call 

Earth, and appears to be personal in nature. Oh, 

and his name is Glen. 

ROZ: (to Noel) Okay, Noel, that was good, but you need to 

tell Frasier the name of the caller, the town they're 

calling from, and why they're calling. 

NOEL: Okay. You know, maybe I would learn more if 

you sat down behind me and guided my hands, like 

they did in Ghost. 

Noel attempts to sit on Roz's lap, misses, and falls down to the 

floor. Julia enters Roz's booth from the outside. 

ROZ: Do you mind? I'm trying to show Noel what I do. 

JULIA: Is that why he's on his knees? 

ROZ: Get up. Now let me give you some pointers on 

call screening. Your first priority are your leapers 

and jumpers. Next up, angry people, they're great 

energy and a welcome change from our largest 

group, the sad sacks. The trick of it is, you want 

to arrange these calls so that each segment is "can't 

miss" radio. 

NOEL: I thought it was about Frasier doing good work. 

ROZ: Please, it's all about ratings! If the station had its 

way, every call would end in an auto-erotic suicide. 

page 28


FRASIER: Thank you, Roz, now that Seattle knows how 

we do things around here, perhaps you could let 

Noel know to keep his elbow off the mic button. 

Frasier's apt. Frasier and Roz are doing paperwork. 

FRASIER: Oh, Roz, do you realize this is the last time 

we'll do paperwork together? 

MARTIN: What exactly is the new job, Roz? 

ROZ: Program director. 

MARTIN: Now that's a job. Let me give you a piece of 

advice. Less smut and more older-people shows. 

ROZ: Yeah, I know, Martin, but that's not exactly 

what they're going for. 

MARTIN: You could have a show about owning dogs, or 

how about this: A show where people just call in 

with jokes they've heard. That'd be a riot. 

FRASIER: I think they're looking for a wider audience 

than just you, Dad. 

MARTIN: Lots of people would be interested in that sort 

of thing. 

ROZ: Yeah, but the advertisers are looking for the 

young dollars. 

MARTIN: What's wrong with my money? 

ROZ: You don't spend it all on fast food and beer. 

MARTIN: Yes, I do! You know, I'm tired of society 

blowing me off just because I'm a senior citizen. 

You know, one day we're going to rise and take this 

country back from you young smart alecks. And it 

won't be pretty either. 

ROZ: I could mention the joke idea to my boss. 

MARTIN: You just bought yourself a little more time. 

FRASIER: Well, here it is, Roz, the final parking 

requisition form. The end of an era. Listen, I know 

that Kenny is giving you a going-away dinner, but I 

wanted to have a little celebratory dinner, just the 

two of us, all right? Any night you're free. 

ROZ: Well, Niles and Daphne are watching Alice. How 

about tonight? 

FRASIER: Well, actually, I'm meeting Julia later. 

ROZ: Why would you want to do that? 

FRASIER: We've sort of been seeing each other lately. 

ROZ: You and Julia?! She's a total bitch. 

FRASIER: If you took the time to get to know her, 

you'd see that she's really not such a bad person. 

page 29


ROZ: Like get to know her naked, you mean. 

FRASIER: No. I think she's been misjudged. Sure, she's 

got a lot of walls up, but there must be something 

good inside if it needs that much protection. 

ROZ: Well, there are walls around prisons, too. 

FRASIER: Yes, Roz, your opinion has been noted. 

ROZ: There are walls around insane asylums, cholera 

wards, nuclear facilities, gator farms. 

FRASIER: All right, shut up. 

Niles's apartment. Alice is chasing Niles. 

ALICE: Got you! Now you chase me! 

NILES: Oh no, I think it's Daphne's turn. 

DAPHNE: Oh no, I just had four turns in a row. But you 

know who does want a turn? The TV! Come on, 

your video's all cued up. 

NILES: Should we really be plopping her in front of 

the tube? 

DAPHNE: It's an educational tape. Did you want to read 

her more Jung for Jungsters? 

NILES: She doesn't seem to respond to it. Perhaps 

that's a treat we'll save for our own child. When will 

that be? When are we going to have a child of our 

own? 

DAPHNE: Oh, I don't know, when we're ready. 

NILES: Yes, we always say that, but how will we know 

when we're ready? I mean, if it were just me, I'm 

ready right now. 

DAPHNE: I just don't feel like we're quite there yet. 

NILES: Well, what has to change? 

Gertrude Moon walks in the front door. 

GERTRUDE: What's this little brat doing here? Make sure 

it don't make any noise. 

DAPHNE: Maybe it's my biorhythms. 

NILES: Daphne, might this have something to do with 

your mother living with us? 

DAPHNE: Well, I've always thought in the back of my 

head that we'd start a family after she left. 

NILES: But that doesn't have to stop us from getting 

pregnant. And once we are, we've got nine months 

to get her out of the house. 

DAPHNE: Are you kidding? If she found out there's a 

grandchild on the way, she'd never leave. And I 

page 30


don't think I could take Mum AND morning 

sickness at the same time. 

NILES: On the other hand, a grandmother can be a 

wonderful influence on a child. 

GERTRUDE: Alice, you help Auntie Gert find her 

cigarettes, and you can have one. 

An elegant dining room. It is Roz's going-away party. 

KENNY: I think now would be a good time if anyone 

wants to stand up and say a few words to Roz. I 

know I'll miss her, which is why I'm proud to 

present her with this picture of the two of us at 

the last company picnic. Won't that baby look nice 

in a frame? Enjoy. 

NOEL: I'm next. "Sweetest Roz, you are my ship when 

I'm at sea, my fairest rose, my fantasy. With each 

sunrise my thanks I send, for you, my love, my true 

best friend." 

BULLDOG: Puke! 

NOEL: That was beautiful, you son of a b. 

BULLDOG: Okay, everybody, Bulldog to the rescue. 

Now, I don't want to say Roz has had a lot of sex, 

but she's spent more time on her back than King 

Tut. Did you hear the story about the guy at KACL 

who DIDN'T have sex with Roz? Me neither. But 

seriously--what's the difference between Roz and a 

dog in heat? No, really, I'm asking. You people suck! 

FRASIER: It's not a roast, Bulldog. 

BULLDOG: It's not? I paid a guy at the Chuckle Factory 50 

bucks to write jokes for me. 

GIL: When's he getting here? 

BULLDOG: Okay, you want a speech? Best of luck in 

your new job, Roz. If you ever need a sports guy, 

I'm your man. And I wouldn't have any problem 

with you being my boss. After all, I know what it 

feels like to be underneath you. Am I right? 

NOEL: Watch what you SAY ABOUT HER!! 

FRASIER: Noel! Come on. Walk it off, Noel, walk it off. 

GIL: Careful, gents! The way you two are always 

carrying on, people are going to start talking. Hello, 

all. Gil Chesterton here, with a toast to Roz Doyle. A 

wonderful co-worker, and a good friend. Of course, I 

too noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately. She had 

the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL 

corral. She made us want to paw the ground and 

page 31


rise up on our powerful haunches fetlocks glistening. 

Smokey, Misty, Storm! Away! 

KENNY: Okay, bar's closed. Gil? Julia, your turn. 

JULIA: Oh! Well, I've only known Roz a short time, but 

I can see that she's a valuable member of this team, 

and I'm sure you'll be missed. Good luck. 

FRASIER: Well said, well said. Roz... I celebrate your new 

adventure with you, but I wouldn't be honest if I 

didn't say that this is a big loss for me. You were 

there on my first day at KACL, and you took me 

under your wing. 

BULLDOG: It's crowded under there. 

FRASIER: I don't think I'll ever grow accustomed to 

seeing somebody else in your booth. And certainly 

no one else can ever take your place in our hearts. 

And while we welcome new friends... we are sad to 

say good-bye to old ones. Good luck, Roz. 

ROZ: Thanks you guys. I just love you all for doing this 

for me. We really are like a family, aren't we? You 

know, this job at KPXY is a really great, great 

opportunity. But it'll never be like this. Which is 

why I'm changing my mind. I can't leave KACL, 

I'm staying! 

Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Roz approach the counter. 

FRASIER: We'd like to get two double lattes to go, please. 

GERTRUDE: For an extra dollar, I can add a nip of 

brandy. 

FRASIER: Is that on the menu? 

GERTRUDE: It's on the secret menu. 

FRASIER: I'll pass, thank you. 

ROZ: You know, Frasier, I feel so invigorated to get 

back to my old job. In fact, I'd really like to record 

some promos tonight if you're available. 

FRASIER: Oh, I can't. I'm taking Julia to the movies. One 

of my favorites, Noch Einen Stuhl. It's the story of a 

19th-century Austrian family as told from the point 

of view of an old fireside armchair. 

ROZ: I'm sorry, I dozed off, what were you saying? 

FRASIER: You know what, I've got to get an alternative 

newspaper to check show times. I'll be right back. 

Frasier's cell phone, which he has left on the counter, rings. 

GERTRUDE: Your phone's ringing. 

page 32


ROZ: Oh, it's not mine, it's Frasier's. Ooh! It's Julia. This 

witch who's trying to get her hooks into Frasier. I 

hate her. 

GERTRUDE: I'll fix her. (answers the phone) Hello. Oh, I'm 

sorry, Frasier's in no position to talk, if you get my 

meaning. Who's this, then? Hold on. Sweetheart? Do 

you want to talk to a Julia? Oh! Frasier, put me 

down! Sorry, he's not here after all. Bye, now. 

There. Problem solved. 

ROZ: You know, you probably ruined their entire 

evening. How can I thank you? 

Frasier returns, grabbing his phone. 

FRASIER: Only one showing of Noch Einen Stuhl tonight. 

Got to go by the box office and pick up the tickets. 

ROZ: Yes, I bet they're going fast. 

They run into Niles and Daphne, who are coming in. 

FRASIER: Wish we could join you guys. I'm going to get 

tickets for Noch Einen Stuhl! 

NILES: Cutting it a little close, aren't you? 

DAPHNE: Hey, Mum! Whan you finish your shift, we'll 

drive you home. 

GERTRUDE: Really? Are you sure it wouldn't give you 

more pleasure to see me walk home on my bloody 

stumps? 

DAPHNE: Well, it would, but we're in a hurry. 

NILES: We'll be here when you're ready. 

They see a mother with an infant in a carrier. 

DAPHNE: Oh, Niles... Just think, one day we'll have one 

of those. 

NILES: Yes, just one awkward chore to get out of the 

way. 

DAPHNE: Well, that's romantic. 

NILES: I meant asking your mother to move out. 

DAPHNE: We're not asking her, Niles, we're telling her! 

You have to be firm. This is a woman who came for 

a week and stayed for a year and a half. It's not like 

she's got no place to go. She's got seven other 

children! Plus a home and friends in England. 

NILES: Many friends, yes, I just don't know how to 

break it to her. 

DAPHNE: Well, the sooner we do, the sooner we can 

start our own family. 

NILES: You're right. Do you realize, this time next year 

we could be sitting here with our own baby? 

GERTRUDE: Baby? What's this, then? 

page 33


DAPHNE: We'll talk about it later. 

GERTRUDE: I want to talk about it now. What's going on? 

DAPHNE: Well, I was going to wait until later, but if 

you really want to know, we… 

NILES: We've decided to start trying to get pregnant. 

GERTRUDE: Oh, well, I'm glad you think you can. I was 

beginning to think there might be something wrong 

with your equipment, Niles. 

NILES: Oh, were you? Well, here's more news: you're 

out of the house, so go pack your bags and find 

another sucker. 

JULIA: Excuse me. Can I get some service over here? 

GERTRUDE: Keep your knickers on. Don't move. We're 

not done hashing this through. 

Julia recognizes the voice 

JULIA: Now say, "Frasier's in no position to talk, if you 

get my meaning." 

GERTRUDE: Now, it was all Roz's idea. I had no choice. 

I'm not a well woman. 

KACL. Julia enters the studio. 

JULIA: Hello, Roz. I just talked to that waitress over at 

Nervosa. The one that answered Frasier's phone? 

She gave you up immediately. 

ROZ: Relax. It was just a joke. 

JULIA: Okay. So what's going on? Do you have some sort 

of problem with me seeing Frasier? 

ROZ: Well, as long as you're asking... I think you're all 

wrong for him. 

JULIA: That's not your call. 

ROZ: I think I know Frasier a little better than you. 

JULIA: So? 

ROZ: So... he deserves someone better. Someone who'll 

appreciate him. Frasier's a good guy. He's smart and 

sweet and way too good for you. Why don't you just 

leave? Nobody here likes you anyway. 

JULIA: Frasier seems to. 

ROZ: Well, he's an idiot. 

JULIA: Are you trying to save Frasier from me or are 

you trying to save him for yourself? 

ROZ: Are you out of your mind? 

JULIA: Are you in love with him? 

ROZ: Go to hell, Julia! 

page 34


JULIA: That would explain why you turned down that 

great job. 

ROZ: That is not true. 

JULIA: Then stay out of my way. 

ROZ: Or what? Are you going to hit me or something? 

JULIA: Don't think I won't. 

ROZ: Well, you're sure taking your time. Stay away 

from him? Got it? Get out of here! 

Niles's apartment. Gertrude is standing in the doorway. 

GERTRUDE: Well, I guess this is goodbye. I just want you 

to know, I love you both very much, and I'm, you 

know, looking forward to standing on my own 

two feet again. Thank you for the ticket and the 

luggage and the clothes and the spending money. 

I'm sorry. This is just so sad. 

DAPHNE: Good-bye, Mum, have a nice trip. Say hello to 

everyone in Manchester for me. 

GERTRUDE: Right, then. Good-bye, Niles. I know you'll be 

a wonderful father to my grandchild. I hope you'll 

find time to send me a picture. 

DAPHNE: We have your address. 

GERTRUDE: I'm off. 

NILES: Bye. Oh, Daphne, you were wonderful. I don't 

know how you did it. 

DAPHNE: Hold me, Niles. 

NILES: Gertrude! Would you be willing to stay in Seattle 

if, say, you had your own apartment? 

GERTRUDE: Do you really mean that? I mean, I don't 

want to intrude. 

NILES: Well, of course I mean it. And we'd even help 

with the rent. 

GERTRUDE: Well, then, it's settled. I'll just go tell the 

taxi I'm not going! 

NILES: No, no, no. You're going. Just tell them to take 

you to the Four Seasons. I'll go ahead and call and 

book you a room. 

Frasier's apartment. Martin answers the door to Roz. 

ROZ: Is Frasier here? I really need to talk to him. 

MARTIN: No, he went out for dinner. 

ROZ: Oh, let me guess: Julia. 

MARTIN: Wow! Not a fan, huh? 

ROZ: I can't stand her actually. 

page 35


MARTIN: Really? Well, I just met her this evening, but 

she seemed nice to me. 

ROZ: Well, that's because she's got you snowed. She's a 

mean, snooty tight-ass who thinks she's better than 

everybody else. Frasier's making a giant mistake 

and somebody's got to do something about it. 

MARTIN: Well, good luck, when Frasier's heart takes 

over his brain shuts out. 

ROZ: That's why we have to do something now, before 

this relationship gets any closer. Will you help me? 

MARTIN: Well, Roz, if you feel that strongly about it, 

sure, I'll back you up. 

Frasier and Julia enter. Julia is carrying a cake box. 

JULIA: I've brought you some cake from the restaurant. 

MARTIN: Restaurant cake? 

ROZ: Steady... 

JULIA: It's chocolate. Why don't I cut you a slice and 

pour you some milk? 

MARTIN: (to Roz) New plan. I'll distract her while you 

talk to Frasier. 

FRASIER: What's going on, Roz? I didn't expect to see 

you tonight. 

ROZ: Well, I have something really important to talk to 

you about, and I really need you to listen to me. 

FRASIER: Well, absolutely, that's what I do. 

ROZ: I really, really, really think you should stop 

seeing Julia. 

FRASIER: Look, I know you two have your difficulties. 

ROZ: No! It's not that. She's all wrong for you. 

FRASIER: I think I see what's going on here. You and I 

have a close relationship. A new woman comes to 

the radio station. She and I form a close 

relationship, and you feel threatened. 

ROZ: No. She's evil. It's not your fault. You can't see it 

because she puts on an act around you. 

FRASIER: Did it ever occur to you that maybe she's 

putting on an act for everybody else, and that maybe 

I see her as she really is? 

ROZ: Oh, she's got you totally brainwashed. 

FRASIER: Roz, you have no right to come over here and 

run her down to me. It's really none of your 

business. 

ROZ: This is my business! We're friends. I can't believe 

you're turning on me like this! I gave up a job that 

was ten times better to stay on your show! 

page 36


FRASIER: Yes, and frankly, I don't understand that! Why 

exactly did you turn down that job? 

ROZ: Out of loyalty to you! 

FRASIER: Are you sure it wasn't just fear? Are you sure 

you're not just using me as an excuse not to grow 

and move on? 

JULIA: Who wants restaurant cake? 

ROZ: You're going to have to choose, Frasier. 

FRASIER: You will not put me in this position, Roz. We 

will discuss it later! 

ROZ: No! Tell me! It's her or me! Tell me now, or I 

swear to God I will walk out of here and I will not 

come back! 

FRASIER: Julia, I think I will have some cake. 

ROZ: Fine. 

KPXY studio. Woody Wiswell, is showing Roz her office. 

WISWELL: And this will be your office, Ms. Doyle. Make 

yourself at home. There's no chance you'll change 

your mind again, is there? 

ROZ: No. KACL is ancient history. 

WISWELL: Good. 

page 37

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