frasier - eight - 6.pdf

Semi-Decent Proposal 

A Passing Fancy 

A Day In May 

The Cranes Go Carribean 

FRASIER 

SEASON EIGHT PART 6

frasier season eight part six small black beetles: the overkill 

Semi-Decent Proposal 

Electronics Store. Niles is holding a box. 

NILES: You sure Daphne will like this one? 

FRASIER: Oh, it's perfect, Niles. Look, it even says on the 

box, "for the perfect DVD viewing experience." 

NILES: What do you suppose "multi-angle capability" 

means? 

FRASIER: Well, it means that the remote control will 

respond from any angle. 

CLAIRE: Not to intrude, but actually it means you can see 

a scene from different camera angles. 

FRASIER: Oh, I was just teasing him. You see, my brother's 

technologically challenged. 

CLAIRE: If you're new to DVD, you might want to rent the 

director's cut of "Das Boot." It's amazing - I mean, if you 

don't mind subtitles. 

FRASIER: Mind them? I prefer them! In fact, I do speak a 

bit of German, so in this case they might actually be a 

distraction! 

CLAIRE: Really? I speak German too. 

NILES: If anyone's technologically challenged, it's you. 

FRASIER: He's a bit defensive. 

NILES: You thought your CD-ROM drive was a cup holder. 

Claire has walked away. 

FRASIER: Thanks a lot! I was interested in her. 

NILES: Well, how was I supposed to know? 

FRASIER: I was speaking German! 

NILES: Oh yes - the language of love! 

FRASIER: Oh dear, it's Lana. Oh my God, no, just turn 

around! I don't know why the woman frightens me. 

NILES: Well, she should frighten you, she was prom queen! 

Lana and Claire spot each other. 

LANA: Hi! Sorry, it took me forever to find a parking 

spot. Thanks. … Frasier! Hi! Oh, this is my friend, Claire 

French. Frasier Crane, his brother Niles - we've known 

each other since high school. 

FRASIER: Yes, we've already met. Guten tag, Claire. 

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CLAIRE: I knew I'd recognized your voice. You're on the 

radio. 

FRASIER: Yes, well, I'm flattered that you've listened. 

LANA: You should have seen him in high school. Do you 

remember when you petitioned the school to have 

interpretive dance added to gym class? 

FRASIER: Oh, is that a CD organizer? I'll be right back! 

CLAIRE: Oh, I need one of those myself, excuse me. 

LANA: So Niles, how's things? 

NILES: Things are good. 

LANA: Are you married now? 

NILES: I was, but I'm not now. But I'm going with someone. 

LANA: (to clerk) I need to return this. 

CLERK: Oh, it's scratched. 

LANA: Well, it was like that when I bought it. 

Frasier and Claire are looking at CD organizers. 

FRASIER: I'm not much of a faux walnut grain enthusiast. 

CLAIRE: Frasier, I wanted to ask you something. Saturday 

night, are you free? 

FRASIER: Only with a coupon. What did you have in mind? 

CLAIRE: Well, a bunch of us are throwing a surprise party 

for Lana, I was wondering if you could bring her. 

FRASIER: Well, I'm not sure I'm the right person for this. You 

see, last year Lana and I dated for a brief period, and, 

well, things just didn't work out. Don't get me 

wrong, it's not that she isn't a lovely person- 

LANA: (at the counter) I don't give a rat's ass about your 

policy! Get me the manager! 

FRASIER: Perhaps you could ask someone else. 

CLAIRE: Come on, just ask her out as a friend. Once you're 

there, you can leave... Or stay. 

LANA: Are you calling me a liar?! DON'T BUY ANYTHING 

HERE, THE SERVICE SUCKS! 

FRASIER: Well, it is her birthday. 

Apt. Martin, wearing his glasses, has the DVD player on his lap. 

MARTIN: Red wire, red wire, where do you go? Oh, here we 

are. Maybe the red wire's extra. Niles, hand me that 

yellow one, will you? What's the matter? 

page 3


NILES: Oh, Daphne punched me in her sleep last night. 

Honestly, she is the most aggressive sleeper I have ever 

known. 

MARTIN: Wow. You being a psychiatrist, she probably 

thinks she's acting out some form of repressed hostility 

towards you, huh? 

NILES: That was the furthest thing from my mind... until 

now. 

MARTIN: Oh, don't worry about it. Sounds to me like you 

guys are still finding your sleeping groove. First six 

months your mother and I were together, we were like 

Dempsey and Tunney! You see, Dempsey and Tunney… 

NILES: Oh Dad, please, I know a little something about 

vaudeville. 

DAPHNE: I've got our movie. 

Niles stands and strikes a mock boxing stance. 

DAPHNE: Oh, knock it off! I told you I was sorry. 

NILES: "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" 

DAPHNE: Yeah, it's got everything - action, romance, and 

humor. I mean, who's funnier than Roger Rabbit? 

FRASIER: Well, I'm off to pick up Lana. 

NILES: You're oddly chipper about it. 

FRASIER: Well, of course I am, Niles. The sooner I deliver 

her to the surprise party, the sooner I can cast my net of 

romance over a butterfly named Claire. You know, I've 

got a good feeling about this one. 

NILES: Oh Frasier, you always have a good feeling. You 

think it's going to be perfect, and then when she turns 

out not to be the Kierkergard-reading, soufflé-baking, 

haiku-writing cellist, you're disappointed. You have to 

learn to settle. 

DAPHNE: What does that mean? 

FRASIER: Have fun, Niles. 

ROZ: Hey, everybody. Am I too late? 

MARTIN: No, you're perfect. We're all hooked up and 

ready to go. 

ROZ: Great. I brought "Caddyshack!" Who's funnier than that 

gopher? 

DAPHNE: Roger Rabbit, that's who. 

MARTIN: Hey, what about my movie, "The Longest Day?" It's 

got D-Day and the Duke! 

page 4


NILES: Whoa, that is an embarrassment of riches. Each 

movie more appealing than the last. Perhaps there's a 

happy compromise in "The Unbearable Lightness of 

Being." 

ROZ: Well that would be a happy compromise, except for 

one thing: Boring! 

Frasier's BMW. Frasier is driving Lana. 

LANA: Look, I'm gonna be real direct. We're just two good 

friends going out for dinner, OK? I only say that because 

you went a little heavy on the cologne, and I don't 

want you to have any expectations. 

FRASIER: I have nothing of the sort. And by the way, it's 

scented soap. 

LANA: I mean, I only accepted because it sounded like you 

could really use a night out. I don't want some 

awkward scene where you try to get in my pants. 

FRASIER: I assure you, there will be no such scene. 

LANA: Unless of course I have too much to drink and 

change my mind! 

FRASIER: So how are those kids of yours doing? 

LANA: Oh, my youngest is good, he's in the ninth grade. But 

Kirby, if he doesn't pass U.S. history he's not going to 

graduate. 

FRASIER: Well, have you considered getting a tutor? 

LANA: That's a good idea. You used to do that sort of thing 

in high school, didn't you? 

FRASIER: Well, yes, I did. And I would do it for Kirby in a 

heartbeat. It's just that I'm asked a lot, and if I helped 

him I'd have to do it for everyone, and I'd hate to open 

those floodgates. You understand. 

LANA: Yeah. I mean, my ex is the one I should be asking, 

but that would be a waste of time. 

FRASIER: He doesn't help out with the kids? 

LANA: No, the only kid he has time for is Kathy, his 22-year 

old receptionist. It's sickening. Mind if I smoke? 

FRASIER: Well, actually… 

LANA: I'll just crack a window. You know, I'm glad you 

asked me out tonight. Tomorrow is my birthday! 

FRASIER: Really? Oh, happy birthday. 

LANA: Hardly. That's the day Bob and Kathy have chosen to 

get married - in Tahiti! Some birthday. All right. That's 

page 5


good, tonight will get my mind off of it. Just promise me 

that I won't even hear the word "birthday" for the rest of 

the night, OK? 

FRASIER: Are you sure? I mean, maybe a big celebration 

would be the best revenge. 

LANA: What am I celebrating? The fact that I'm becoming 

an old trot and no one's ever going to love me again? Oh 

God, shut up! … Aren't we going to Bella Luchia? 

FRASIER: Well, actually I know this little Thai place that I 

think will be better. 

LANA: Well, were you even going to ask me? I hate Thai 

food! Typical man, "I like Thai food, so she must like 

Thai food." 

FRASIER: All right, Bella Luchia it is. 

LANA: I'm sorry, I'm being snappy. It's just... I guess I just 

always thought that I'd be the one who got remarried 

first, you know? Now everybody's just going to feel sorry 

for me. Oh God, I hope I don't run into anybody I know 

tonight! And you're not a typical man. You're very 

thoughtful. Forgive me? 

FRASIER: Yes, old friend, I do. Oh gosh - you know, I do 

know another little tiny place that I think you might 

really enjoy just as much - well, what do you say? 

LANA: Great, sounds great. You know, it's funny, as much 

as I hate the thought of my birthday, I'm kind of hurt 

that none of my friends asked me to do anything. I mean, 

it's not like I wanted a party, but, well, something 

would have been nice. … Frasier, you know what, just 

because I'm vulnerable doesn't mean you're getting 

some! 

FRASIER: Listen, fifty of your friends are sitting in Bella 

Luchia right now, wearing party hats and waiting to yell, 

"Surprise!" Do you want to go or not? 

LANA: My friends are throwing me a surprise party?! And 

you tell me and ruin it?! 

Bella Luchia. Lana walks in. Her friends yell, "surprise!" 

LANA: Oh my god, you didn't! Frasier, you tricked me, 

you awful thing! 

FRASIER: It wasn't easy, you nightmarish carp! 

LANA: Debbie, oh hi! Bruce, hi! I am so thrilled you all 

came here for this! I thought a lot of you would have 

flown to Tahiti for the wedding of Dumbo and Bimbo! 

page 6


CLAIRE: Thanks for getting her here. How did you manage 

to keep it a secret? 

FRASIER: Well, as a psychiatrist, discretion happens to be the 

cornerstone of my profession. 

CLAIRE: Of course. Mine too - I'm a family therapist. 

FRASIER: Really? You know, I sensed we have a lot in 

common. 

CLAIRE: You know, it's funny how things turn out. I 

started out as a music major, studying the cello. 

FRASIER: You're a cellist? 

CLAIRE: Yes, but psychology is my true calling. "Spawning 

fish that leave upstream for many seasons, yet come 

home to stay." 

FRASIER: Was that a haiku? 

CLAIRE: Yes. It's a habit of mine. They just sort of spill out 

of me. 

FRASIER: Well, that's amazing! May I get you a drink? 

CLAIRE: Yes. A martini - two olives. 

FRASIER: I knew it. … Kierkergard? 

CLAIRE: Love him. 

FRASIER: Don't move. 

LANA: Claire! What are you doing staring at the moon? I 

want you to meet Neal, the guy I told you about. 

Apartment. Martin and the gang look through the manuals. 

MARTIN: All right, what does it say now? 

DAPHNE: "Alternatively, see Appendix C: Advanced 

Troubleshooting Specifications and You." 

MARTIN: That's it, I quit. 

DAPHNE: Well, what do you want to do? 

ROZ: Well, I went to a party once where we each went 

around the room and confessed our most shameful 

secret - except it had to be something that you've never 

told anyone before. 

NILES: Oh, I don't think that's something we really want to 

get into. 

DAPHNE: No, sounds like fun. 

NILES: OK, I'll go first. Oh, let's see - all right, well, Daphne, 

you might as well make your acquaintance with my 

dark side. In fifth grade, there was a bully, Jack 

Winfield, who was bothering a lot of the girls, so one day 

page 7


I waited for him outside of school and gave him a 

sound thumping. 

MARTIN: Wasn't that the kid with rickets? 

NILES: Rickets and a smart mouth. 

ROZ: Daphne, you go next, and think of something juicier 

than that. 

DAPHNE: Oh, well, mine's also a youthful indiscretion. I 

stole a teddy bear from the shops. 

ROZ: Then what? 

DAPHNE: Well, I felt guilty, so I told my parents and we 

brought it back. Then as a penance, I volunteered to 

work at the orphanage after school. 

ROZ: What the hell was that?! I'd put that story on my 

resume! Come on, Martin, you've got to have something! 

Shock me! 

MARTIN: Oh, I don't know, it's kind of personal. 

ROZ: That's what we're looking for. 

MARTIN: Well, all right, but it doesn't leave this room: every 

time I watch "The Sound of Music"... I cry. And I don't 

mean a single manly tear. I mean real blubbering, girlstyle. 

The nuns... those kids... the lonely goatherd. 

ROZ: These are your deep, dark secrets? This is baby stuff! 

"Ooh, I dropped my ice cream and I ate it!" 

DAPHNE: OK, let's hear yours, then. 

ROZ: Oh, you can't handle mine. Let's play "Clue" or 

something. 

MARTIN: Are you kidding? We can take anything you could 

dish out! I was in the war, I was a cop, I even worked 

Vice! 

ROZ: I don't think so. 

MARTIN: Well, come on, I'll tell you what: whisper it in my 

ear, and if I think they can handle it I'll tell them. 

Bella Luchia. Lana is at a table with three guests (the only ones left). 

LANA: Where was Kathy while I was busting my ass 

putting him through dental school? Oh, that's right - 

she wasn't BORN YET! 

DEBBIE: Who wants more cake? 

BRUCE: Not me, but I'll go with you! 

At the bar, Claire is wedged between Neal and Frasier. 

FRASIER: Here we are. This is one of my favorites. 

page 8


CLAIRE: That's so sweet of you, but Neal just brought me a 

glass. 

FRASIER: Oh, this one. Yes, that's a delightful little wine, 

yes, it's very nice. But this happens to be a Bavaresco 

Diam, the greatest Italian red since Roberto Rossellini! 

CLAIRE: Well, they both taste wonderful. I can't choose 

between them. 

FRASIER: Taste mine again. 

NEAL: You know, if you're really interested in wine, Claire, 

you should let me fly you down to Napa in my plane. We 

could spend the day exploring vineyards. 

CLAIRE: Oh, that's very sweet, but those little planes make 

me nervous. 

FRASIER: Well, how do you feel about BMW's? You see, I 

happen to know several of the proprietors of the local 

vineyards here, and I'd be delighted to be your tour 

guide. 

CLAIRE: That sounds tempting. 

FRASIER: Well, allow me to enchant you further. You see, I... 

(sees Lana sitting alone) Claire, I'm sorry, you'll have to 

excuse me for just a moment. … Hi. How you doing? 

LANA: Everybody's leaving. 

FRASIER: Well, it's getting late. 

LANA: It's 9:30! Let's face it, I drove them all off. I mean, 

they're all sick of hearing me complain about Bob. 

FRASIER: No, come on, it's not all that bad. I mean, listen, 

you know, Bob is in the past. I mean, just look at all the 

friends you have. I know you've had a bit of a tough 

time lately, but it'll end soon. You're a vibrant, attractive 

woman. 

LANA: Thanks, Frasier. You're being awfully sweet to me. 

Don't think this means you're getting any. 

NEAL: We're saying our goodbyes. 

FRASIER: Oh, you're leaving? 

CLAIRE: I have an early appointment and Neal offered to 

give me a ride home. 

FRASIER: Well, how thoughtful of him. 

LANA: Threw a gutter ball, huh? 

FRASIER: Thanks to you, you introduced them. 

LANA: Well, you played it all wrong! You were hanging on 

her all night! 

FRASIER: So was he, but he left with her. 

page 9


LANA: It won't last. She's probably sick of him already. 

FRASIER: Lot of good that does. I blew it. 

LANA: Not necessarily. I mean, I think you guys could 

make a great couple. In fact, I might be able to help 

you out there. 

FRASIER: Really? Would you? 

LANA: Well, I could, but you know I get asked that all the 

time, and if I did it for you, then I'd have to do it for 

everyone, and I just don't know if I want to open those 

floodgates! You know what I mean? 

FRASIER: I think I do. 

LANA: Kirby needs a passing grade in history. 

FRASIER: I can't guarantee that. 

LANA: No passing grade, no Claire. 

Lana's House. Frasier is in Lana's kitchen with her son Kirby. 

FRASIER: Well, you're a very lucky young man, Kirby. You 

know, I loved studying U.S. history. What could be more 

fascinating than the rich and unfolding epic of the very 

soil on which we live? 

KIRBY: Will that question be on the test? 

FRASIER: Doubtful. So, which chapter are you on? 

KIRBY: Whoa, is that my book? 

FRASIER: I see, Chapter 1. You may want to take some 

notes. 

KIRBY: I don't have a pen. But just tell me, I'll remember it. 

LANA: Oh yeah, yeah, that's gotten you far. GET OFF 

YOUR ASS AND GET A PEN! 

page 10


A Passing Fancy 

Frasier's Apt. Frasier and Kirby are studying at the dining table. 

FRASIER: All right, Kirby, we've got a few minutes before 

your mother gets here. One last question: In our 

studies this week, what did we learn about William 

Henry Harrison? 

KIRBY: Well, I guess I would say that this week we learned 

that William Henry Harrison was a great man who was 

important... because he was... 

FRASIER: President? 

KIRBY: No. Yes! Yes. 

FRASIER: Good, good. And which president was he? 

KIRBY: Of the United States. 

FRASIER: I mean which number? All right, here's a hint: He 

was elected in eighteen-forty. 

KIRBY: Eighteenth? Fortieth? 

FRASIER: Kirby! Did you do any reading this week? 

KIRBY: Sort of. 

FRASIER: What does "sort of" mean? 

KIRBY: No. It's a bunch of junk I'm never gonna need to 

know. 

FRASIER: Yes, Kirby, this "junk", as you call it, may seem 

unimportant to you now, but knowing something about 

where we came from may help you to decide where you 

wish to go. Now, let's start learning about history, lest you 

be condemned to repeat it. Start reading. Continue until 

your mother gets here. 

MARTIN: Hey, Fraizh. You know that guy, Roger, on 

fourteen, who has that little Scottish Terrier? MacDuff? 

Well, Roger's invited all these dogs from the park to a 

party, for MacDuff's birthday. Except Eddie, thank God! 

Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous? 

FRASIER: I see. And putting a hat on Eddie, for every major 

holiday, that's normal? He's got a Santa cap for Christmas, 

he's got a top hat for New Year's Eve, he's got a tam 

o'shanter for St. Patrick's day... 

MARTIN: Well, they're just hats! It's not a whole party. I 

mean, a dog doesn't know it's his birthday any more 

than he knows it's Friday or Saturday or... 

page 11


FRASIER: Or Cinco de Mayo? 

MARTIN: That sombrero was a gift! 

Frasier notices Kirby watching them. 

FRASIER: Keep reading! 

MARTIN: It's nice you're helping the kid out. 

FRASIER: Yeah, well, truth be told, Dad, I'm actually... I've 

made a little agreement with Lana. You see, if I help 

Kirby get a passing grade, Lana will set me up with one 

of her girlfriends, Claire. 

MARTIN: I remember when you used to tutor kids so they 

wouldn't beat you up. So I guess this is progress, huh? 

LANA: You guys have a good study session today? 

FRASIER: Oh, yes, we're making excellent progress. 

LANA: Really? Oh, what did you learn today? 

KIRBY: Well, today I learned about William Henry Harrison, 

who was our... ninth president. I mean tenth. I mean 

ninth. 

LANA: Good, not bad. So you're one step closer to getting 

your prom privileges back. 

KIRBY: Mom, I told you, I'm not going. 

LANA: Why not? Because you and Christie broke up? 

KIRBY: Thanks for spreading that around, Mom! 

LANA: Oh, Frasier doesn't care. He went to the prom with 

his brother. 

FRASIER: Thanks for spreading THAT around! Kirby, listen, 

can I have a word alone with your mother, please? 

Lana hands Kirby her car keys. 

LANA: Here, sit in the car. You can listen to the radio but 

don't change my presets again. When you're in my car, 

it's my hits or nothing! … What did you want to talk 

about? 

FRASIER: Well, actually, I was wondering if you'd had a 

chance to talk to Claire yet, seeing as how Kirby may be 

getting a passing grade. 

LANA: Actually, I saw Claire yesterday. 

FRASIER: Oh, you did! That's wonderful news! Now, I was 

thinking for our first date, I thought perhaps Tapas. Now I 

know that sounds a little whimsical, but hear me out on 

this... 

LANA: Frasier, all I did was mention you were tutoring 

Kirby. But she was very impressed. 

page 12


FRASIER: But you were supposed to set us up. We had a 

deal! 

LANA: I'm phasing you in slowly. Look, she just broke up 

with Neil because he was rushing things. Trust me, if 

you don't time this right you're going to blow it. 

FRASIER: All right, there's no need to explain it to me. If 

anyone understands the value of restraint and taking 

things slowly, it's yours truly. 

LANA: Frasier, as I recall, on our first date, you got me up to 

your apartment on false pretenses, you plied me with 

wine, you got me into bed and then tried to weasel out 

of ever seeing me again. 

FRASIER: I think "plied" is a bit strong! 

Cafe Nervosa. 

ROZ: I have a work-related proposal I want to run by you. 

FRASIER: Well, Roz, I'm always open to new ideas. Creative 

thoughts, outside the box thinking, that sort of thing. 

ROZ: I want Friday the fifteenth off. But be aware, if you 

say "No", you'll be crushing a dream I've had since 

college. 

FRASIER: A three day weekend, that's quite a dream. 

ROZ: My dream is to have front row seats at Bruce 

Springsteen. That way, when he starts doing "Dancing in 

the Dark", there's a chance he'll pull me up on stage 

with him. 

FRASIER: I see. And this concert is on a Friday afternoon? 

ROZ: No, grandpa. The tickets go on sale Saturday and I 

want to be the first in line. 

FRASIER: Oh, well, if you hadn't called me "grandpa", I 

would have found a polite way to say no, but as it is, 

no. 

ROZ: I can't believe I could have just called in sick 

instead of telling you the truth. I just wasted perfectly 

good honesty on you! 

DAPHNE: Coffee, Niles? 

NILES: Yes, please. I'll have the French roast, with three 

shots of espresso. 

DAPHNE: The Defibrilator? 

NILES: Yeah, that's the one. 

FRASIER: A quick little pick-me-up, Niles? 

page 13


NILES: Oh, I am exhausted. Sleeping with Daphne, I'm not 

getting any rest. The way she gyrates, it's like... 

FRASIER: Stop right there! No use in conjuring up 

imagery I'll only have to repress later. 

NILES: I'm talking about actual sleeping, you degenerate 

jughead. …. I was just telling Frasier about your nightly 

tossing and turning. She's like a tuna on a trawler deck. 

DAPHNE: I told you: I'm gonna need time to adjust to 

sleeping with someone. Until then you're just going to 

have to fight me off. 

NILES: Oh, I tried, you hurled me to the floor! 

DAPHNE: You've never minded the rough stuff before. 

FRASIER: That's it, I'm leaving. … Good lord, it's Claire. 

DAPHNE: I thought you liked her. 

FRASIER: Oh, I do. 

NILES: So what's the problem? 

FRASIER: Lana has told me I am under no circumstances 

to ask her out on a date! She says that if I rush things, I 

will ruin my chances. Claire... Fancy seeing you here. 

CLAIRE: I just came from the opera house. Can you believe 

Don Giovanni is sold out? I wish I knew someone with a 

subscription. 

FRASIER: Oh, you know, I could call someone for you. 

CLAIRE: Oh, hey, that would be great. And hey, while 

you're at it, see if you can't find someone who likes 

sherry. You know, Les Habitants is having a tasting that 

week and I can't find anyone who enjoys sherry as much 

as I do. Of course, I always have trouble finding people 

who share my interests, I've been trying to convince 

someone to go to London with me and see the new Tate 

Gallery and the Old Globe Theater and finally I just gave 

up and tomorrow I'm going alone for ten days. Life's just 

too short! 

FRASIER: Go out with me! 

Lana's Kitchen. Kirby is sitting at the table with the textbook. 

FRASIER: The trick to remembering the difference 

between William Henry Harrison and William Howard 

Taft is a simple mnemonic device. 

KIRBY: A what? 

FRASIER: It's a trick. Harrison died in office after his first 

month, so we say "William Henry Harrison Was Hardly 

page 14


Healthy". And you can't spell "Taft" without the letters fa-t. 

KIRBY: So now to remember two things, I have to 

remember two other things. Plus the first two things. 

That's FOUR things. 

FRASIER: Yes, but the first two things are easier to 

remember and they are clues to the second. Will you 

just try to keep up, Kirby? 

KIRBY: What are you getting all up in my face for? 

FRASIER: Because you are not working hard enough. 

KIRBY: Well, whose fault is that? 

FRASIER: Yours! 

KIRBY: Whatever, dude. 

LANA: How's it going? 

KIRBY: Well, I'm cool. 

FRASIER: As am I. 

LANA: Oh, Frasier, you staying for dinner? 

FRASIER: Sure. 

LANA: Kirby, go wash up. And USE WATER! 

FRASIER: Listen, Lana, I ran into Claire this afternoon, 

and well, we got to talking, and it seems as though 

we'll... we're going to be going out together. 

LANA: You what? I told you the timing wasn't right. You 

went behind my back! 

FRASIER: Yes, well you convinced me you held the keys to 

Claire's kingdom and the truth is I didn't need the key. 

When I got there the gates were open, the mat said 

"Welcome Frasier". 

LANA: If you think you are walking out on Kirby, you can 

think again! 

FRASIER: There is no point in tutoring him if he is not 

willing to learn! 

The answering machine picks up a phone call. 

CLAIRE: (from a.m.) Hi, Lana, it's Claire. Listen, Frasier asked 

me out today and I said yes. He seems very sweet. Of 

course, he was also a little eager which is always a turn 

off. So I might back out, unless you think he's a catch, 

do you, is he? So anyway, I'll be back next week, give 

me a call, let me know what you think, bye. 

LANA: Hmmm, what do I think? 

FRASIER: Perhaps I spoke hastily. 

page 15


LANA: I think... I want Kirby to get a C. 

FRASIER: You said all he had to get was a passing grade! 

LANA: Well, that's before you went behind my back. And 

just for arguing, I want a B! 

FRASIER: That's crazy! 

LANA: Well, keep talking mister, and I'll go for an A! 

FRASIER: All right, a B it is! 

KIRBY: What am I doing again? Oh yeah, I'm washing up. 

LANA: Okay, a B minus. 

Cafe Nervosa. Kirby and Frasier are at a tutoring session. 

FRASIER: All right, Kirby, I'm going to make you an offer: If 

you will agree to knuckle down and study, I will treat 

you to a sumptuous meal at Les Habitants. How does 

that sound? 

KIRBY: You and me at a fancy French restaurant? Kinda 

gay. 

FRASIER: Hi, Roz. Roz, this is Kirby, my... tutee. 

ROZ: Well, study hard, but remember: school isn't 

everything. I wasn't exactly an egghead and look how I 

turned out. 

FRASIER: Yes, Roz. I'm just trying to motivate the boy, not 

scare him straight. 

KIRBY: She has gotta be pretty distracting around the 

office, huh? 

FRASIER: Oh, yes, well, sometimes. But she's union, so you 

put up with it. 

KIRBY: No, I mean she's hot! 

FRASIER: Stop that. You stick to girls your own age. 

KIRBY: Had one, she dumped me. 

FRASIER: Sorry to hear that. 

KIRBY: I don't care. She can go to the prom with anyone 

she wants. 

FRASIER: Wait a moment. Is that what all this current 

malaise is about? Heartbreak? 

KIRBY: No! I'm way over it. You know what would be 

awesome is if I could go to the prom with some totally 

hot older chick like Roz. That would totally burn up 

Christie. All my friends would be like "Whoa, she's so 

hot!" 

page 16


FRASIER: Kirby, you just put that thought completely out of 

your mind because.... Kirby, if I could convince Roz to 

go to the prom with you, would you commit to learning 

this material? And think hard before you answer, 

because if it's "yes", you're in my house, mister. 

KIRBY: I'm in. 

FRASIER: Deal. Now listen, we'll just keep this between us. 

There's no need to tell your mom. 

KIRBY: No problem. So, how you gonna get her to go with 

me? 

FRASIER: Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce 

Springsteen. 

Frasier's Apartment. Frasier and Kirby are studying. 

KIRBY: You never said there was gonna be pop quizzes. 

FRASIER: That's the "pop" part. But don't despair, Kirby, 

you got nineteen out of twenty-five, well done. Looks 

like you're well on your way to that prom. Now let's 

see that essay you wrote. 

Martin comes from his room playing tug-o-war with Eddie. 

FRASIER: Dad, you mind? We're trying to work here. 

MARTIN: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to raise Eddie's spirits. 

Today's that stupid doggy party he wasn't invited to. 

FRASIER: You still on that? 

MARTIN: Eddie's the heart and soul of that doggy group. 

He's been going to that park for years. Half those people 

wouldn't even know each other if it wasn't for us. 

Now they're down there drinking beer and swapping 

stories. Look at him, it's just breaking Eddie's heart. 

FRASIER: Eddie's fine, Dad. Seems you're the one who feels 

left out. 

MARTIN: I do not! And it just so happens that we've got 

plans for this afternoon, anyway, big plans. (phone rings) 

Hello? ... Oh, hi, Roger. ... Oh, party? No, hadn't heard 

about it. ... Oh, really? Well, yeah I guess we could come 

down. ... Sure, okay. Well, be right down. ... Okay, bye. … 

I knew it! The invite must have got lost in the mail. 

Well, see you later boys, it's party time! 

page 17


Les Habitants. Claire and Frasier are at a table together. 

FRASIER: This is fun. 

CLAIRE: It is. You know, I think restaurants are like 

museums. Great food, like great art, has the ability to both 

elevate and inspire. 

FRASIER: Oh, I so agree. But one must dine with some savoir 

faire. You won't get much out of it if you're just some 

Philistine walking in off the street. 

Kirby comes in with Roz, some friends and their dates. 

FRIEND: Dude, fancy! 

KIRBY: (to Roz) So, would you order some wine for us? 

ROZ: No. Let's get something straight: if you get drunk, 

the evening is over. And if you fondle, massage or cup 

any portion of my body the evening is over. Got it? 

KIRBY: Man, you're like a total prude, huh? 

MAITRE D': Would any one of you like a drink? 

KIRBY: Yes. The lady and I will have the Coca Cola. 

ROZ: Yeah, and make sure the lady's has a lot of Jack 

Daniels in it. Never order for your date, it's cheesy. 

Frasier is ordering at his table. 

FRASIER: And the lady will have the filet. Well, a toast: to 

this moment, too long delayed and too quick to pass. 

LANA: Hey, you guys! Hi. What are you doing here? 

CLAIRE: We're having a date. 

LANA: I'm looking for Kirby, it's his prom night, he left his 

camera at home. 

FRASIER: Kirby is here? 

LANA: Somewhere, he said you told him about this place. 

FRASIER: Right, right. So I did. Listen, Lana, wait! You 

know, maybe I should take the camera to the boy. I 

mean, seeing you here will only embarrass him. 

LANA: Oh, he's used to that. Besides, the one who should 

be embarrassed is that boy who's with his mother. 

CLAIRE: Lana is such a great mom. She really cares about 

her kids. 

FRASIER: She sure does. 

LANA: WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S WITH YOU??!! 

KIRBY: Mom, would you cool out? 

LANA: How do you expect me to cool out when you're 

with... what are you, a hooker? 

page 18


FRASIER: She works for me. 

FRIEND: You're her pimp? 

MAITRE D': Is there a problem? 

FRASIER: No, no, everything's perfectly fine. 

LANA: You know this tramp? 

FRASIER: Yes, I do. Lana, please. This is all innocent 

enough. I only did this to motivate the boy. 

LANA: By promising him sex? 

ROZ: You promised him sex? 

FRIEND: You're getting sex! 

LANA: You're coming with me! 

KIRBY: Mom, I'm not going. 

FRASIER: Lana, let me explain. I set him up with Roz in 

exchange for his studying. 

LANA: That's disgusting! 

FRASIER: It's no different than you promising me a date 

with Claire in exchange for tutoring Kirby. 

CLAIRE: Excuse me? You traded me like a commodity? 

LANA: Oh, get off your high horse! 

KIRBY: You tutored me to get to her? 

CLAIRE: I can't believe you used me, Lana. 

LANA: Well get a little perspective, my son's here with a 

prostitute! 

ROZ: If you call me that one more time, lady...! 

LANA: Listen, sister, I'll call you anything... 

CLAIRE: You dangled me like bait? 

KIRBY: You said you cared about my education, but you're 

just as big a liar as Richard M. Nixon, our thirty seventh 

president! 

MAITRE D': I'm going to have to ask you all to leave. 

LANA: Fine with me. Kirby, let's go! 

KIRBY: I'm not going anywhere. 

CLAIRE: Well, I am. 

FRASIER: STOP IT EVERYBODY! Fellow diners, if you will 

all bear with me for just a moment, please. Kirby, you 

are going to pass history and you are going to graduate 

from high school. Roz, you are going to get your 

Springsteen tickets. Lana, if there is anyone with whom 

your son could expect to have a thoroughly 

wholesome, innocent and chaste date, it is Roz Doyle. 

Claire, the only reason Lana did what she did was out 

page 19


of love for her son. And if I compromised my ethics, it 

was only because I found myself so... utterly beguiled by 

you. 

CLAIRE: Frasier, you are a strange and charming man. 

FRASIER: You have no idea. 

Street. Frasier is sitting on a stoop, talking into his cell phone. 

FRASIER: Hi, Lana, it's Frasier. Yeah, I was hoping I could 

maybe switch times with Kirby tomorrow. Say, move it 

up to four o'clock, just after school? ... Great, great, good. 

... Well, Claire and I have plans. ... Yeah, I guess we are 

hitting it off. ... She said what about me? ... You're 

joking! ... Oh, you are joking. ... What did she say about 

me? ... Really? ... Well I guess it just proves she's a sucker 

for sophistication, taste and, dare I say it, old world 

charm. 

A man on the stoop next to Frasier leans over. 

MAN: Hey buddy. If the cops come back around, can I stash 

something in your bag? 

FRASIER: I'll have to call you back. 

He is in a sleeping bag, first in line next to a signboard reading "BRUCE 

SPRINGSTEEN TICKETS ON SALE SATURDAY 10 AM". 

page 20


A Day In May 

Apartment. Daphne opens the door to Roz, who is carrying Alice. 

DAPHNE: Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here? 

ROZ: We're borrowing Frasier's car. 

DAPHNE: I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral. 

ROZ: Actually, he's being very nice about it. Mine's in the 

shop, and I'm taking Alice and a few of her friends to an 

ice cream party. 

FRASIER: You told me it was your friends, and the Science 

Center! 

ROZ: He said, she said, we'll never know what really 

happened. Frasier, don't be so uptight. I'm not gonna 

hurt your precious car. 

FRASIER: I'm not uptight, it's just that I've had some 

unfortunate experiences before, loaning out my car. 

DAPHNE: I left an umbrella in the trunk. 

FRASIER: It was a wet umbrella! 

ROZ: Can I have the keys? 

FRASIER: Yes, yes. After all, what are fine possessions for 

if not to be used in a joy, and who better to enjoy them 

than the delightful souls of small children? 

ROZ: I'll put a tarp in the backseat. 

FRASIER: Oh, bless you. 

NILES: Hey Roz, hello Alice. What brings you here? 

ROZ: Oh, Frasier loaned me his car, I backed mine into a 

telephone pole. 

FRASIER: You said you were getting a tune-up! 

ROZ: It needs one, trust me! 

NILES: Is Daphne ready? 

FRASIER: Actually I think she's in her room. You two have 

plans? 

NILES: Yes, I am taking her to the botanical gardens. Can 

you believe she's never been before? 

FRASIER: Didn't Donny take her to the botanical gardens 

last year? 

NILES: Can you believe she's never been before? 

NILES: Hey, Daphne! Ready to go to the gardens? 

page 21


DAPHNE: Yeah, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take Eddie for 

a walk first. 

NILES: Where's Dad? 

DAPHNE: I don't know, he's been gone all morning. 

NILES: Oh well, here, I'll take him for a quick walk. 

DAPHNE: Oh no, he's gonna need more than that, or he'll 

go stir-crazy. He's gonna need a full hour at the dog park. 

NILES: We don't have time to go the dog park, the Tour of 

Succulents starts promptly at twelve. Frasier, can you 

take him? 

FRASIER: No, I'm sorry, Niles. Roz has my car, you see, and 

Lana's coming by to pick me up for a tutoring session 

with Kirby. (on phone) Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I 

need to make an emergency appointment tomorrow, 

for a complete cleaning of my BMW. June 10th?! But I've 

got a Clean Team Privileges Card! Yes, of course it's a 

platinum one! No, there are no diamonds on the 

corner. Well, then yes, I'd like to become a member of the 

Diamond Alliance immediately. Fine, put me on the 

waiting list. I'll see you in June. 

Park. 

NILES: So this is it. I'd hardly call this a dog park. It's more 

like a dog... orgy. Whose beagles are those? 

DAPHNE: Don't stare, it only encourages them. 

NILES: Well, hurry up, Eddie, there's lots of exciting 

depravity to explore. 

DAPHNE: He wants to play a little fetch. Here, you throw it. 

NILES: With my bare hands? … All right, I didn't give you 

enough of a challenge. Here, ready? Go get it! I'm sorry, 

I was a bit of a grouch. This is actually a fine way to 

spend the day. In fact, it's kind of romantic. 

A huge retreiver comes back with the end of the rope hanging from his jaws. 

NILES: Hello. Do you suppose the rest of Eddie's in there? 

JIM: Good boy! Sorry about that, Daphne, but what with 

the organic vitamin paste I've been feeding Tank here, 

Eddie can't keep up with him. 

DAPHNE: It's no problem, Jim. Niles, this is Jim Grady and 

Tank. This is Niles, my boyfriend. 

JIM: Boyfriend? I should have known. It seems like every 

time I'm single you're in a relationship, and every time 

page 22


you're single I'm in a relationship. I guess we just don't 

have… 

DAPHNE: Timing! 

JIM: And I'm a drummer! 

NILES: Which makes it even more ironic! 

Tank starts climbing Niles's leg, to his horror. 

JIM: Tank, that's rude! Now, chill. 

DAPHNE: Wow, you've really got him trained. That's the 

problem with Eddie. He only listens when he thinks he's 

gonna get food. 

NILES: Or one of my socks! But mostly food. 

JIM: Well, it's all in the voice tone, really. Any dog can 

learn to respond to it, even an old wheezer like Eddie. 

You want me to show you? 

Room. Martin is seated at a table in a nondescript waiting room. 

MARTIN: Hi Niles, it's me. I just wanted to make sure 

Daphne took Eddie for a walk, I completely forgot about it 

this morning. 

NILES: Yeah, we're in the dog park now. Where are you, 

anyway? 

MARTIN: I'm at the track. Had an itch for it when I woke 

up, and so just I dropped everything and went. I'm at the 

window, I'm in a trifecta in the eighth. All right, gotta 

run. 

House. Lana opens the door to the house, and Frasier follows her in. 

FRASIER: Well, I didn't realize that I was going to be selling 

houses with you today! Why didn't you just drop me off 

and then come on your own? 

LANA: Stop whining! It'll only take a minute. I hope we 

don't run into the sad sack who owns this place. I've 

been trying to sell this house for over a year! But he 

keeps driving away every potential buyer. 

FRASIER: How does he do that? 

PHILLIP: Oh... hi. I heard a woman's voice, I thought it 

might be my wife coming back to me. 

LANA: No. She lives in Portland now, with her new husband, 

Lamar, remember? Oh, excuse me, Frasier Crane, Phillip 

Donovan, the current owner. Well, see you later Phillip! 

PHILLIP: Anyway, my wife just left with the kids. No 

talking, no explanations, just ripped my heart out and 

threw it to the dogs - which she also took. 

page 23


FRASIER: Well, at least you're getting out at the top of the 

market! 

LANA: Actually, this is a very good time, Phillip, and I think 

today is the day! 

PHILLIP: Oh, no! The damn basement must have flooded 

again. Everything in this box is ruined. Little Suzy's cap 

she wore home from the hospital, ruined; Danny's first 

soccer uniform, ruined! 

FRASIER: Well, you know, I have an excellent drycleaner… 

Once, actually, I spilled butter on a pair of white velvet 

pantaloons. Well, it's a long story. But he had it out in 

under a minute! 

LANA: Frasier, just give him the address. 

PHILLIP: I have two sons and two daughters. The perfect 

American family... until that bastard Lamar showed up 

to snake our drains. Now all I have left are weekend 

visits, and a few treasures from their childhood. Like this 

house little Danny and I made at day camp. Oh, thank 

goodness, it made it through unscathed. Just a little 

water damage in the basement. Just like this house... 

FRASIER: Phillip, you are still their father. I mean, I know 

things seem difficult right now, but believe me, it'll get 

easier. 

PHILLIP: Oh, it's already easier. I mean, look at me, I'm 

dressed. 

LANA: Phillip, you know what would really cheer you up, is 

to make a killing on this house! Now, don't you think 

you should get back to work? 

PHILLIP: I guess. That air traffic isn't gonna control itself. 

LANA: OK, here we go. No, not the front door! Let's go out 

the side door. It's good to see you again, Phillip, I'll call 

you when we sell the place, bye! 

FRASIER: Well, that man is obviously in pain, the least 

you could be is a little sympathetic! 

LANA: I have been sympathetic for fifteen months! I had him 

over for Thanksgiving! He got tears in the first half-hour 

and cried himself to sleep in my coat closet! And I 

consider that one of our good days! 

FRASIER: Well, so where are these so-called buyers of 

yours? You told me they'd be here in a few minutes. 

LANA: Well, they're obviously running late, OK? It'll give 

us time to go over the plan. 

FRASIER: What, there's a plan? 

page 24


LANA: Well, sure. When the Smolenskis get here, you act 

like you want the house. You know, a little competition, 

put a little pressure on the deal. 

FRASIER: You're asking me to be your shill? 

LANA: That's the word! Yes! Now listen, you don't have to 

say anything! 

FRASIER: I'm sorry, no! 

LANA: Well, why?! All you have to do is walk around 

with an interested look on your face. You know, they'll 

fill in the rest! 

FRASIER: I will do no such thing! I refuse to lie for you! 

LANA: Oh fine, then go wait in the car! 

FRASIER: I never wanted to leave the car! 

House. Frasier comes in the door with a grocery bag. 

FRASIER: All right, I got some cream-sicles, and fudge-sicles, 

and something they call "Bob Pops!" 

LANA: I called the Smolenskis, I bought us a little extra 

time. 

FRASIER: Right, good. Let's spread out some paper and then 

build us a house! 

LANA: So Frasier, with all your talk about honesty, how do 

you justify faking this thing? 

FRASIER: Well... we're simply protecting the feelings of an 

innocent man. Nothing dishonest about that. 

LANA: So, are you gonna write, "I love you, Daddy" or am I? 

FRASIER: I'll do it. 

Park. Daphne watches as Tank obeys Jim's every command. 

JIM: Sit. Wave. All right, hide your eyes. Hide 'em... 

NILES: Hey Eddie, don't worry about that other dog. He 

may be bigger and flashier and better-looking, but... 

you have substance. She knows that. 

DAPHNE: How amazing is Jim? He's so connected to 

animals, it's almost magical. 

NILES: Daphne, I've been musing about you and me, and I 

have a thought. In every healthy relationship, I may ask 

for an occasional - very occasional - irrational demand. 

DAPHNE: What do you mean? 

page 25


NILES: A thing we insist the other do or not do, and the 

other one has to do it or not do it, without question. We 

each get one, and only one, for our whole relationship. 

DAPHNE: Well, if it's important to you. 

NILES: Then it's agreed? Good... oh, I've got mine! I want 

you to promise never to come to this dog park again. I 

know it sounds extreme, even unreasonable - but that's 

the beauty of the irrational demand. 

DAPHNE: Is this about Jim? 

NILES: The demand cannot be scrutinized. It is, by 

definition, irrational. 

DAPHNE: And are you sure this is how you want to use your 

only one? 

NILES: Absolutely. I've thought this through, a lot. 

Irrationally, of course. 

DAPHNE: OK, if you're sure. I promise never to come to this 

dog park again. 

NILES: Thank you. I knew you'd understand. 

JIM: All right, we're going home. Tank needs to rehydrate, 

and, oof, I'm late for a deltoid workout. 

DAPHNE: Well, I guess this is goodbye, Jim. 

JIM: Yep, by this time next week I'll be leading my first 

raft tour in Chile. 

NILES: Wow, when do you get back? 

DAPHNE: Oh, he's not coming back. He's moving there. 

Good luck, Jim. 

JIM: Yes, you too. And stay cool, buddy. 

NILES: Oh, you know it. 

DAPHNE: I wonder how I'll use my irrational demand... oh, 

what's my rush? I've got years to think it over. 

Waiting Room. Joanne, a woman in her 50s, comes up to Martin. 

JOANNE: Hi, Martin. How have you been? 

MARTIN: Pretty good. Oh please, have a seat. 

JOANNE: Thanks. I was worried I was going to be late 

with all that construction going on. 

MARTIN: Yeah, I know, it's a mess. 

JOANNE: How's your hip? 

MARTIN: You learn to live with it. 

JOANNE: I think about you a lot, you know. I've wanted to 

call, but... I don't know. 

page 26


MARTIN: I understand, it's OK. 

JOANNE: So... another year has gone by. 

MARTIN: Yeah. Time really flies. 

JOANNE: I guess it goes a little slower for me. 

House. Frasier and Lana are finishing a new house. 

FRASIER: How's our roof coming? 

LANA: Almost done. 

FRASIER: Good. You know, there was a time back in high 

school when I would have paid a thousand dollars to 

watch you eat a popsicle. It was a long time ago. 

LANA: I think it's kind of funny that we became friends. 

FRASIER: We're friends? 

LANA: Well, sure we are. Why wouldn't you think so? I 

hear a car. It's the Smolenskis. OK, keep working. I gotta 

go get Phil to try and spray some air freshener around. 

This room reeks of... I don't know, despair! 

MRS. SMOLENSKI: It's even nicer than I remember! 

They see a grown man wearing a huge paper smock, gluing sticks 

together and sucking on a popsicle. 

MRS. SMOLENSKI: Well, hello there! Are you having fun 

making your little house? 

LANA: Oh, there you are! I see you've met Frasier. I am so 

glad you came today, because the interest in this place is 

really heating up! 

MR. SMOLENSKI: Well, we're certainly interested as well, but 

we've heard that a lot of homes in this area have a 

flooding problem. Now, what do you know about the 

basement here? 

LANA: Honestly? This house is sixty years old, and I have 

only heard of it flooding once. And I could tell you for 

a fact that the permanent owner stores some of his 

most cherished keepsakes in that basement. 

Frasier makes a hacking cough. 

MRS. SMOLENSKI: Are you choking on your lolly? 

FRASIER: No. I am choking on something far more 

dangerous and destructive than a simple sugary treat. It's 

a prolific and powerful poison known as deception! 

MRS. SMOLENSKI: He's very verbal! 

LANA: Oh, you know, I just remembered! Gosh, you know, 

the owner did mention something about a recent little 

page 27


moisture problem downstairs. Tell you what, why don't 

I give him a call and see if he'll come down just a tiny 

bit in the price? 

MRS. SMOLENSKI: Oh, that'd be wonderful! If he could give us 

a break in the price, I'm sure we'll make an offer. 

LANA: Oh, great! I'll call you tonight. 

FRASIER: There now, you see? You did the right thing. 

That wasn't so bad, was it? 

LANA: I guess not. Oh, look at our little house, it looks 

great! 

FRASIER: I think the house should go the other way 

around - with the door facing the couch. Perfect. Now 

you see, doesn't it feel good to tell the truth? It's like 

breathing a breath of fresh air, and… 

LANA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go! 

Apartment. Roz steps off the elevator carrying Alice. 

ROZ: Ok, Alice, before we see Uncle Frasier, let's 

remember together what really happened. Now, did you 

throw up in Uncle Frasier's car? No, you didn't. And that 

snow was there before, wasn't it? That's my girl. 

Hearing Room. David Hicks is sitting wearing a prison uniform. 

DAVID: And besides the library assignment, I've been 

taking a computer class on Wednesdays. I hope to get 

a job with computers... when I get out. 

1ST BOARD MEMBER: Can you tell us what consideration, if 

any, you've given this crime? 

DAVID: Well... I regret it, every day. I was young at the 

time, and I wasn't thinking - you know, about the 

consequences. And I'm very sorry. 

2ND BOARD MEMBER: The victim is here. Mr. Crane, would 

you like to make a statement? 

MARTIN: I have nothing to say. 

3RD BOARD MEMBER: Would you give us a moment? … Mr. 

Hicks, the board commends you for your participation in 

the in-house programs to better yourself, and for your 

record of excellent conduct. We have weighed this 

against your conviction of shooting a police officer 

during the commission of a robbery - and find that the 

length of your time served has not yet met the 

standards for proportionality, equality, and justice as 

required by state law. Parole is denied. 

page 28


The Cranes Go Carribean 

Frasier's Apt. Frasier comes from the kitchen with the placemats. 

FRASIER: Niles, listen, when Claire gets here, can you give 

us a moment of privacy? Actually, I'm planning on 

asking her to go to Belize with me next weekend. 

NILES: Wait, next weekend? That's awfully soon, I hope 

Claire's free. 

FRASIER: Yes, well actually Lana told me on the Q-T that 

Claire's already gotten wind of the trip, and she's eager 

to go. So all that's left for me to do is ask her and act 

surprised when she says "Yes". So, are you jealous? 

NILES: Well, I might be jealous, but as it happens, I have 

plans next weekend myself. You know Daphne and I are 

celebrating one year of being together. 

FRASIER: Niles, that's wonderful. Gosh. So, what do you 

have in store? 

NILES: Oh, a weekend alone at my apartment. You see, 

we don't need beaches or sunsets, just a simple Victorian 

bathtub filled with champagne, us and a non-slip mat. 

FRASIER: Romantic and yet prudent. Very good. Here's 

where I'm taking Claire. Do you think she'll like it? 

Daphne comes in from the kitchen and overhears. 

NILES: Lush grounds, white sandy beaches, this hotel looks 

amazing, she's going to love it! 

FRASIER: Oh, Niles, I also took the liberty of buying 

myself a new piece of luggage by Moritzio. Would you 

care to see it? 

NILES: Moritzio?! Try and stop me! I'm green with envy! 

The doorbell rings and Daphne goes to answer it. It is Claire. 

CLAIRE: Hi, Daphne. You seem so happy. What? 

DAPHNE: Well it seems Niles is going to surprise me with an 

exotic trip for our anniversary. 

CLAIRE: How funny. You know, Frasier... 

DAPHNE: I'm so excited. We've only recently started going 

away together. We wanted to wait until we got to know 

each other better. I know, it sounds old-fashioned. But 

there's nothing worse for a relationship than moving too 

fast. … I've just been telling Claire about our 

anniversary plans. 

page 29


NILES: Oh, yes! There's no place like home. 

FRASIER: Claire, listen, I know this is coming out of the 

blue, but how would you like to go away with me next 

weekend, to Belize? 

CLAIRE: That sounds wonderful, Frasier. 

FRASIER: I thought you might say that. 

CLAIRE: Only... do you think maybe it's too soon for us to 

go away together? 

FRASIER: Well, I don't know. I'd hate for us to go away 

before we're ready. 

CLAIRE: So are you saying we're not ready? I don't want to 

jeopardize our relationship. 

FRASIER: Well, if we don't know, maybe we should wait. 

CLAIRE: Okay, you know best. 

The kitchen. Daphne is preparing sandwiches. 

DAPHNE: So Niles, about our anniversary weekend, I'm 

trying to figure out what to bring. Will your apartment 

be warm that weekend, or unseasonably cold? 

NILES: Well, I keep the thermostat at a stead seventy-one, 

but I'm flexible within a degree or two. 

DAPHNE: Will we snorkel? 

NILES: Daphne, you're making me blush. 

DAPHNE: Oh, Niles, stop it. I know about the trip to Belize! 

I'm sorry, I overheard you talking to your brother. 

Trust you to plan something so romantic! 

NILES: That isn't what... 

DAPHNE: Stop the charade! A bathtub full of champagne, 

please! We used to do that in high school! 

She heads off to the living room as Frasier comes in. 

FRASIER: Well, turns out I'm not going to Belize after all. 

Claire thinks it may be too soon for us to go away 

together. Or I do. I forget who spoke last. 

NILES: Well, I'm so sorry. You must be devastated. Can I 

have your reservations? I've decided to go away with 

Daphne for our anniversary. 

FRASIER: Why not? At least one of us should have the most 

romantic weekend of his life. 

NILES: Thank you Frasier. I only wish it could be you. Do 

you suppose I could borrow your new luggage? … That's 

too far. 

page 30


The living room. Claire steps out of the powder room. 

DAPHNE: Well, it's official. Niles is whisking me away 

next weekend. I'm so excited. Each trip just gets better 

and better. 

CLAIRE: Because you waited. 

DAPHNE: I suppose, but looking back I can't believe we 

held off for so long. All the fun we missed. Let's face 

it, when it's the right person, there's no sense in 

waiting. (goes back to the kitchen) 

CLAIRE: Frasier, about Belize... 

FRASIER: Now, now, Claire, we've made our decision and I 

think it's a good one. 

CLAIRE: Maybe it's not too soon to go away. 

FRASIER: Go on. 

CLAIRE: Are we possibly denying ourselves a wonderful 

trip? 

FRASIER: Well, examining it from all angles, one could 

certainly make a case... 

CLAIRE: Let's go! 

FRASIER: I'm already packed! 

CLAIRE: Oh, I better run! 

FRASIER: I thought we were having lunch. 

CLAIRE: Well, if we're going to Belize, I've got some 

shopping to do. 

FRASIER: What do you mean "if"? 

CLAIRE: What do you mean? 

FRASIER: Just go shop! … Niles, I'm sorry, it turns out 

Claire and I are going to Belize after all. You and 

Daphne will have to go someplace else. 

NILES: Wait! Daphne has her heart set on Belize! 

FRASIER: Niles, this is not "Cranes Go Caribbean", I want to 

be alone with Claire! 

Martin and Roz come in the front door, walking Eddie and Ariele. 

ROZ: Hi, guys. Ariele, come and say hello to Frasier and 

Niles. Ariele just joined Martin's dog group at the park. 

And she discovered squirrels. I discovered I'm not the 

only woman using my dog to meet men. Apparently 

we also hunt in packs. Come on, let's go get some 

water. 

page 31


MARTIN: Hey, Frasier, I got a little favor to ask you. Duke 

and I are going on a fishing trip next weekend, and I 

need you to look after Eddie. 

FRASIER: Actually, I've got plans next weekend, Dad. 

Where are you going? 

MARTIN: Belize! I saw that brochure you had lying around. 

The fishing looks fantastic, not to mention the sandy 

beaches, the lush grounds... 

FRASIER: Yes, Dad, I'm familiar with it. That's where I'm 

taking Claire. 

NILES: And I'm going with Daphne. 

FRASIER: What the hell. The more the merrier. 

Lana's VW. Lana is driving Frasier to the airport. 

FRASIER: Oh, by the way, thanks for driving me and Claire 

to the airport. 

LANA: Frasier, please, are you kidding? Because of you, my 

Kirby got a "B" in history. A "B". 

FRASIER: Yes, it turned out well for both of us. For once, 

somebody else got the grade and I got the girl. 

LANA: God, I just hope Claire is waiting outside. This traffic 

is terrible. … I didn't know you smoked. 

FRASIER: I don't. The way you're driving I'm not gonna die 

of natural causes anyway. 

LANA: Give me that. Problem with my driving? 

FRASIER: No, it's fine. Just wish you'd pick a lane, that's 

all. 

LANA: Pick, pick, pick. You're certainly an expert at that. 

FRASIER: What is that supposed to mean? 

LANA: It means that nothing is ever good enough for you. 

You complain about everything. Come on, Frasier! I 

have been out with you! "The wine has turned." "The 

silver has tarnished." "The service is too slow." "The 

cheese is too runny." 

FRASIER: It was Camembert! If anything, it wasn't runny 

enough. Yes, I may have exacting standards, but what 

you choose to characterize as fault-finding, I think of 

as my steadfast refusal to settle. 

LANA: Please! This Newport is more alive with pleasure than 

you are. The truth is, Frasier, you don't know how to be 

happy. 

page 32


FRASIER: That is ridiculous. Want to see me happy? You 

leave more than half a car length between us and that 

Taurus. (they smash into the Taurus) At least whoever gets 

my seat on the plane will be happy. 

The Hotel Lobby in Belize. Frasier is sitting at a table. 

MANAGER: I understand your room is not satisfactory? 

FRASIER: YES, I HAD A RESERVATION FOR AN OCEAN- 

VIEW SUITE AND INSTEAD I GOT A SINGLE ROOM 

OVERLOOKING AN ABANDONED BUS! 

MANAGER: Please, sir, you don't have to yell. 

FRASIER: OH, I'M SORRY. YOU SEE, MY EARS GOT 

CLOGGED SOMEWHERE ABOVE OAXACA AND THEY 

HAVEN'T POPPED YET! NOW, IF I COULD JUST GET 

THE ROOM THAT I RESERVED... 

MANAGER: I'm afraid we gave your room away. Check-in 

time is three o'clock and we never heard from you. 

FRASIER: LET ME SEE...AT THREE O'CLOCK, MY 

GIRLFRIEND AND I HAD JUST DISEMBARKED IN 

PUNTA GORDA FROM OUR PLANE THAT WAS LATE 

BECAUSE THE PILOT HAD TO DUST SOME CROPS. I 

COULD HAVE CALLED DURING MY CONNECTING 

TRACTOR RIDE, BUT I HAD TO FIND OUT WHICH OF 

FOUR AIRLINES HAD LOST MY LUGGAGE, NOT TO 

MENTION... my ears just popped! 

MANAGER: Congratulations, sir. 

FRASIER: I still want a better room! 

Claire: FRASIER, THIS PLACE IS WONDERFUL! YOU 

SHOULD SEE THE POOL! 

FRASIER: It's all right, my ears are better now. 

CLAIRE: Well, that's good news. 

FRASIER: Yes, we're on a roll. 

NILES: Hello there. We thought you'd decided to hide in 

your hotel room all weekend. 

CLAIRE: Well, actually, we just got here, we missed our 

flight this morning. 

DAPHNE: Oh dear, what happened? 

FRASIER: Well, Lana happened. We were on our way to the 

airport... 

CLAIRE: Frasier, please. They don't need to hear the whole 

story and God knows I'm good for a while. 

NILES: So, who's up for a drink? 

page 33


FRASIER: You go ahead Claire, I'm still working on our 

room. 

NILES: Frasier, this vacation is going to do you good. This 

place is completely freeing. Would you believe today I 

dabbled in public nudity? Daphne and I found a 

secluded cove on the beach. We shed our garments and 

surrendered ourselves to the sand, the sea and one rather 

curious grouper. 

FRASIER: Don't you have a diary? 

MARTIN: Well, look who finally got here! Fraizh, how was 

your flight? 

NILES: Oh, don't poke the bear, Dad. How was fishing? 

MARTIN: Oh, Duke and I caught the biggest marlin you've 

ever seen. The swells were huge, it took us two hours to 

reel it in. 

NILES: Where's Duke? 

MARTIN: He's up in his room. Sunburned, heaving his 

guts out. Fraizh, why don't you and Claire join us for 

dinner? 

FRASIER: Oh, no thanks Dad. We've reserved a romantic 

table for two at the water's edge. 

MARTIN: Oh, say no more. 

The dining room. Martin, Daphne and Niles are eating dinner. 

MARTIN: Well, I've gone on long enough about fishing. 

What'd you guys do today? 

NILES: Oh, you know, took a swim, got some sun. 

MARTIN: Well, just make sure you keep your suits on. 

The skipper of the fishing boat has a telephoto lens. He 

posts the photos in the bait shop under "Catch of the 

Day". (Frasier and Claire walk up) Oh, look who decided to 

join us. What happened to your table? 

FRASIER: Well, we waited an eternity for our table but it 

never opened up. 

WAITER: Would you like a menu? 

NILES: Oh, you know what? You have got to get the John 

Dory. 

DAPHNE: No, it can't be any better than this halibut. 

MARTIN: No, don't listen to 'em. These soft-shelled crabs are 

melting in my mouth. 

WAITER: I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of all three. 

FRASIER: Wonderful. Well, what fish do you have? 

WAITER: We make a decent swordfish. 

page 34


FRASIER: "Decent"? That's what I traveled four thousand 

miles for? "Decent"? You should put that on your menu: 

Home of the Decent... Swordfish is fine, thank you. 

CLAIRE: Frasier, what's the matter? We've both had a 

long day, but we're here now, why can't you make the 

most of it? 

FRASIER: I'm sorry. You know, you're right. Okay, not 

another word. 

MARTIN: Well, as long as everyone's here, I'd like to make 

a toast. There's nothing that gives me greater joy than 

to see both my boys happy. (winces and cries out) 

DAPHNE: Mr. Crane, is something the matter? 

MARTIN: It's reeling that fish in today, my arms are shot. I'll 

be all right. Anyway, what I wanted to say was… AHH! 

NILES: Dad, don't be a hero. Put down the coconut. 

MARTIN: Well, I just want to say that I'm not the only 

fisherman in the family. In fact, I'm not even the best 

one. One year ago, after seven years of trying to get her 

to bite, Niles finally hooked Daphne. And I think we'd all 

agree that she's quite a catch. And Claire, I just want you 

to know how glad we are that you're here. I don't 

remember Frasier being this happy in a long time. 

FRASIER: Out of swordfish too? 

WAITER: I'm sorry sir, may I suggest the pepper steak? 

FRASIER: Steak? That's what we should eat at Belize's 

finest seafood restaurant? There's an ocean full of fresh 

fish not fifteen feet away, but why not try a slab of 

artery clogging, hormone injected, frozen red meat 

instead??!! I'm sorry, Dad. Please continue. 

MARTIN: No, that's all right, I'm done. 

CLAIRE: Actually, I think I am, too. Excuse me. 

MARTIN: You didn't tell me you had steak here! 

Frasier's Hotel Room. Frasier comes into the room. 

FRASIER: Claire? Listen... I don't blame you for wanting to 

leave, but before you go, I'd just like to say that I'm 

really sorry for getting so upset. You see, it's just that 

since I met you, I thought... I've thought you were pretty 

much perfect for me. And I guess I just wanted our first 

trip together to be perfect too. I think it still can be. 

What can I say to convince you to stay? 

page 35


Claire comes out of the bathroom in a silk nightgown. 

FRASIER: I see I'm off to a pretty good start. 

CLAIRE: Frasier, I wasn't going to leave. I'm crazy about 

you. I just started to feel like you didn't want to be here 

with me. 

FRASIER: Oh, nothing could be further from the truth. 

CLAIRE: I mean, this weekend doesn't have to be perfect, 

let's just try to have fun. 

FRASIER: Fun? Oh, I can do that. Fun's been my nickname 

since math camp. 

CLAIRE: Math camp? You're just trying to get me into bed. 

Later. Frasier curls up next to Claire. 

FRASIER: I must say, this trip has certainly taken a turn for 

the better. I'll tell you something else: I'm happy. Utterly 

and completely happy. (the woman next to him rolls over, it is 

now Lana) 

The Hotel Lobby. Frasier is on the phone. 

FRASIER: Listen, I'm aware of the time, it's just that... Well, 

you're the last person on earth I thought I'd be calling 

but I had this dream and I had to talk to you about it. 

LILITH: Oh, God. I suppose you expect me to be awake for 

this conversation, don't you? 

FRASIER: Okay, I'll be brief. It's just that I'm on vacation 

with my girlfriend Claire, a woman who by all 

conventional standards is perfect for me, and yet I just 

had a vivid sexual dream about someone who differs 

from her entirely. 

LILITH: A man? 

FRASIER: Not that different. 

LILITH: Someone you've slept with? 

FRASIER: Well, yes, but it didn't work out. You see, I 

worshipped her for years, but then we had a parting of 

the ways because it turns out she was just unpleasant, 

confrontational, self-centered... 

LILITH: Frasier, if you're dreaming about me, just say it. 

FRASIER: No, Lilith, it's not you. It's a woman named Lana. 

LILITH: Well, it seems like a textbook-simple dream. Why 

are you calling me? 

page 36


FRASIER: Because you know me better than anybody else, 

and you're a terrific psychiatrist. So what do you 

think? 

LILITH: As a working hypothesis, I'd say you have the hots 

for Lana. 

FRASIER: Maybe I'm not making myself clear. You see, the 

woman irritates me to no end. She's antagonistic and 

opinionated. Critical... 

LILITH: Oh, so I see. What you're saying is, unlike most 

women you've dated, she challenges you. 

FRASIER: Well, maybe so, that's not the point. You see, 

Claire is perfect for me. 

LILITH: Why does this dream about Lana upset you? 

FRASIER: I don't know. Do you think I know how to be 

happy? 

LILITH: Of course you do. You just like a challenge. You've 

never been one to take the easy road. 

FRASIER: Well, it seems I've skidded right off the road this 

time and into a ditch. A deep one. 

LILITH: Well, you could try to throw it into reverse and 

spin your wheels for a while. Or you could get out into 

the ditch and get a little dirty. 

FRASIER: I see. Lana's the ditch, right? Well I guess I've got 

some thinking to do. Thanks for talking, Lilith. 

page 37

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