The unrevealed trauma - Dubai Women's College - Higher Colleges ...

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ing outsiders for help after trying
three times. “I approached my
university’s counselor after my
teacher became suspicious. I had
my presentation that day and in
the middle of it I fainted. My face
was pale and I couldn’t walk properly.
The teacher then asked me to
talk to the counselor and tell her
everything. I was telling myself
that this was too big for me to
handle. I felt exhausted. I needed
to tell somebody so why not her?
I then asked her to keep it a secret
and not tell anybody on campus
or even my parents because they
would kill me for humiliating the
family. The next day I came to the
administration area to find that
everyone there knew my story.
Some of the employees asked me
questions as they were curious
about my situation. I was shocked,
betrayed and crushed,” S.A. says.
It takes a lot of courage for these
victims to seek help, especially
when they are young, as they
might not fully realize that what is
happening is wrong. In some cases,
victims might think what they
are going through is normal. Some
even feel they are obligated to continue
doing it without resistance. “I
thought it was something natural
that happens in every household to
every girl. I remember mentioning
this to my classmates when I was
8 years old and the school counselor
called my father in and told
him for the first time about it,” S.A.
explains.
M. fears talking about her story
because she is afraid of people
finding out she is not a virgin.
She feels ashamed and disgusted
with herself. She prefers to keep
it a secret. “A ‘no fear’ campaign
is needed to break the silence and
ignorance. The healing starts with
the victim’s reach for help, and we
will help her all the way through
it,” Lootah attests.
In most sexual abuse cases it is
hard for the victim or the victim’s
family to sue the abuser due
to lack of evidence. “Most sexual
harassment cases are difficult
to prove due to the absence of
forensic evidence and because
victims don’t report the case to
the police when it happens,”
explains Rostom.
IN SOME CASES,
VICTIMS MIGHT
THINK WHAT
THEY ARE GOING
THROUGH IS
NORMAL. SOME
EVEN FEEL THEY
ARE OBLIGATED
TO CONTINUE
DOING IT WITHOUT
RESISTANCE.
Female victims who lost their
virginity when they were sexually
abused find it difficult to get
married and move on, fearing
what their husbands might think.
“We help these girls by providing
them with an official document
from the police, supported by
a doctor, testifying that she lost
her virginity due to sexual abuse
without her consent. This document
will assure the fiancé,
husband or even the father who
does not believe his daughter,
that the girl was not involved in
forbidden relationships,” Lootah
explains.
These victims live their lives
with hidden secrets and shattered
souls. Their experiences leave
permanent scars. It is important
to seek professional help to fix
the damage so that victims do not
become sexual abusers themselves
in revenge. “I always thought of
hurting his loved ones, but if I
can’t forgive him how can I expect
others to forgive me?,” M admits.
S.A. is still trying to end her battle
with her brothers. She tries to
protect her little sister and herself
since none of her family members
help her. They just cover it up. “I
remember once when my little
sister, who was about 2 years old
at the time, came to me and her
diaper wasn’t closed correctly.
She had a piece of candy in her
hand. ‘Who gave this candy to
you?’ I asked her fearfully. She
innocently smiled and pointed
at my brother who had sexually
abused me. I’ll never allow those
monsters to touch my sister in
that sick way. Since that day,
I have watched her non-stop,” S.A.
declares. “I suffer from insomnia
and eating disorders. I often wake
up crying and bleeding in the
middle of the night.”
It’s not normal
This is a true story and therefore
name has been withheld to protect
the writer’s privacy.
Years ago, when I began to realize
what was going on around me, I
knew that there was a ‘special’
and ‘secret’ relationship between
me and my father. One day, when
I was about 14, I was wondering:
“Why do the girls at school talk
about their secret relationships
with boys but not with their
fathers?” As soon as I confessed to
my best friend about my father, I
knew that I was the only girl who
was experiencing this ‘disgusting’
relationship. My siblings and my
mother didn’t know anything
about the secret between me and
my father, however, my parents’
relationship was not any better.
Despite all of that, I was the only
one hurt by him and the only one
who heard his lies over and over.
When I was 7 years old, I was
forced to spend more time alone
with him while the rest of the
family went shopping. They would
return home with toys and candies,
things which I used to envy.
At age of 14, when I discovered
I was being abused, and after
telling my friend, she advised me
to talk to someone in my family.
My father did not allow us to see
anyone, only our relatives twice
a year, for the Eid occasions. So I
returned home that day and told
my older brother. He told me he
would help me if I just shouted
or called for him when my father
started abusing me. That was defi-
nitely impossible for me, because
I had feared my father since I was
a child and my relationship with
my mother was awful because she
was jealous of me whenever my
father treated me better than her
or bought anything for me. My
relationships with my siblings
were not any better; they hated
seeing me the ‘beloved daughter’
of our father and they were always
on our mother’s side, even when
I was right.
When I told my brother his
suggestion was completely impossible,
he told me he would find
another solution but I had to
‘close my mouth’ and never tell
anyone, not even mom. I thought
if my brother could help me, for
sure mom would be able to do
more, so I told her. At first, she
told me to stay away from my
father; I did not know she was
planning something else. After he
came home, mom told him everything,
he denied it all, she slapped
me, and my nightmare life had
just begun. I was forced to take
back all that I had said.
After that day, I lived in fear for
eight years. My father was using
me for his own pleasures, mom
was mean to me and our relationship
was worsening day by
day. Whenever she fought with
him, she would ask me if he had
abused me so as to threaten him
and convince him to take her side.
This scene repeated itself every
few weeks, and the result was
always the same: they both were
against me. No one knew how I
felt; I used to cry almost every
night. I began scratching my body
and licking whatever blood
emerged from my body. I felt
that all males were a curse; they
who caused my pain and sorrow,
they whom I feared most, and
they whom I wanted to destroy.
My siblings were far from understanding
me; they sided with my
mom because they felt that I was
a spoiled brat and bad daughter
who tried to destroy the family.
Their lives were not any better;
they could not see or meet anyone
except in school; they were forced
to go to one shop in the mall for
three hours once a week.
In time, though, my sisters became
my saviors. After I told them about
the secret relationship, they tried
their best to help me. They stayed
awake all night to prevent any
abuse and stood with me against
mom when she hurt me.
When I was 21, he married another
woman, who abused me even
more than he did. However, now
I live with my mom and siblings.
We are happy despite the fact that
he has opened many court cases
against us.
During those dark years I learnedhow
to be patient, how to rely only
on myself, and how to stick to
whatever I believed in. I became
a person who many others now
trust and believe in.
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