The unrevealed trauma - Dubai Women's College - Higher Colleges ...

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Do women in the UAE propose? Latifa Al Falasi/DWC
What if no one proposed?
HAMDAH HASSAN
“I always dreamt of wearing the
white wedding gown, having
a fancy wedding everyone talked
about, and having babies and a
big family; I always wanted to be
a successful housewife. However,
deep inside I knew that my dream
would not come true unless someone
proposed,” admits Fatima Al
Kaabi, a 30 year old manager.
Marriage is almost every girl’s
wish; however, most girls have
to wait for the man to propose.
The tradition of the United Arab
Emirates (UAE) dictates that it’s
the man’s duty to propose to the
woman.
Islam gives another view of
marriage proposal. During the
Islamic era, it was the parents’
duty to find, choose and propose
to the man they thought would
be a righteous husband for their
daughters.
This takes us to a famous story
in Islam when Caliph Omar bin
al-Khattab started thinking
about marriage for his daughter,
Hafsa. Caliph Omar first thought
of his dearest friend Abu Bakr
and asked him to marry Hafsa,
but Abu Bakr remained quiet
and Caliph Omar was very disappointed.
Then Caliph Omar went
to his other friend, Othman, who
had recently lost his wife. Othman
answered that he did not want to
marry at that time. Caliph Omar
then went to the Prophet Mohamed
and explained the whole situation
to him. The Prophet replied: ‘Why
not marry Hafsa to someone who
is better than both Abu Bakr and
Othman?”
In a culturally conservative
country like the UAE, a woman’s
proposal is considered inappropriate.
It is rare that a man or his
family would accept it. Abdulaziz
Al Hammadi, a marriage counselor
at Dubai Courts, Family Guidance
and Reconciliation Section, notes
that a woman’s proposal, including
her parents’, is considered a
sensitive issue to discuss in the
UAE. “It’s hard to convince society
to accept the idea of women
proposing to men.” Al Hammadi
mentioned a few cases he dealt
with where the father of the bride
had arranged to propose by
approaching the groom’s family.
“This type of marriage is very
rare and usually happens between
very closely related families,” Al
Hammadi adds.
Culture and tradition in the UAE
impact peoples’ mentality and
values, and control their actions
and how they evaluate things.
Twenty-eight year old operation
officer, Abdulla Hammad, thinks
it is inappropriate for a woman to
propose to a man. “It is the man’s
job to propose, it is human nature
and a man will always want to feel
responsible.” Hammad thinks that
it would be very disrespectful
and humiliating for the man if
a woman asked for his hand in
marriage.
This belief is not only among
Emirati men. Some Emirati women
have a similar way of thinking and
are concerned about how people
would judge them as a woman’s
proposal is so uncommon. “It’s
shameful; I will never take the
initiative to propose, and I will not
let my parents do so either.” Reem
Ahmed, 26, finds it very awkward
to propose. “I don’t want him
teasing me and telling me that I
was the one who pursued him.”
Unlike some Emirati women, HR
employee Mona Yaqoob, 27, does
not mind the idea of her parents
approaching a man. “Things
would be much better if a woman’s
parents could find husbands for
their daughters.” Yaqoob adds that
this would help to decrease the
percentage of spinsters.
Agreeing, university student
Rashed Al Matrooshi says, “I
wouldn’t mind for a woman to
come and ask for my hand in
marriage, especially if it was
someone I loved and didn’t have
the courage to ask her myself.”
Some people are open-minded
about women’s proposals, but
with some conditions as marriage
is a lifetime commitment. “I
wouldn’t have a problem if a
woman or her family proposed
to me,” says Mansoor Sultan, an
engineer. He notes his main concern
is to get to know the girl and her
family before the marriage, and his
parents should also accept the girl.
There are many points that parents
and women should consider before
proposing, because rejection is
most likely to happen and no one
wants to be in such a situation.
“If any woman or her family
decides to propose, they should
find the right way to do so,” says
Al Hammadi. He added that the
parents of the woman should
ask a lot about the family they
are proposing to, whether or not
they are open-minded about such
matters. He emphasized that
this should be done indirectly or
through someone the family trusts
before they actually propose.
Parents, especially mothers, are
very sensitive when it comes to
their daughters’ marriage. They
worry if no one proposes. Amna O.,
mother of two daughters, refuses
the idea of finding a husband for
her daughters. “If I do so, people
will immediately think that something
is wrong with my girls, or
I want to get rid of them.”
IN A CULTURALLY
CONSERVATIVE
COUNTRY LIKE THE
UAE, A WOMAN’S
PROPOSAL IS
CONSIDERED
INAPPROPRIATE. IT
IS RARE THAT
A MAN OR HIS
FAMILY WOULD
ACCEPT IT.
Some Emirati women have taken
the risk and proposed to men; the
experiences varied. Alia Saleh,
a banker, was in love for four
years and wondered why he did
not propose. “I thought I should
take the first step so I asked my
mother to approach his family,
and they accepted. Sometimes
a girl should stand up for what
she wants and try hard to get it.”
Hamdah Ali, a senior development
executive, shared her experience
regarding the man she thinks is
the one for her. “I met him five
years ago, and we have been
in a relationship ever since. He
never brought up the subject of
marriage, and when I finally got
the courage and told him how I
felt, he rejected me and said he
is not thinking of getting married
now.” She has not given up
on the relationship.
University student Sultan Salem
experienced a woman’s proposal.
“I was speechless when my parents
said that our neighbor asked me
to marry their daughter.” Salem
was even more shocked when his
parents showed interest and asked
him to seriously think about the
proposal.
Women have altered many
traditional gender roles since
they started running for high
governmental positions, competing
in different sport games, and
owning their own businesses.
As many women take on larger
leadership roles in the workplace
and in society, with moral support
from their families, perhaps women
and parents should consider taking
the lead in marriage proposals.