98 August 2009.indd - Ion AZ

AUGUST 2009 Vol. 3, Issue 5
OUTRAGEOUS!
Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.
Jackson Death Faked!
Working In Detroit Diner
DETROIT,
Michigan
–
Legendary King
of Pop Michael
Jackson has
been discovered
alive and well,
working in
Hamtramack,
a decaying
community
near Detroit,
Michigan.
Rumors of
his death this
past July have
been greatly
exaggerated.
Jackson is currently employed as a busboy
at the Dead Celebrity Kozy Kafé where
he works with short order cook Elvis
Presley, the late King of Rock ‘n’ Roll,
whose death was also faked in August,
1977, when he was discovered “dead”
on the toilet. Since then Presley has been
spotted working at Burger King and other
fast food restaurants in the Michigan
area. Jackson had a sham marriage with
Presley’s daughter, Lisa Marie Presley,
who recommended him for the job.
Other dead
celebrities
frequenting
the seedy diner
include 1950s
angst-filled teen
matinee idol,
James Dean
and sex kitten,
blonde bombshell
Marilyn Monroe.
Both celebrities
lives were
reportedly cut
tragically short,
but were actually
staged.
Filmdom’s
gangster and diner nighthawk Humphrey
Bogart, manager, whose death from cancer
in 1957 was falsified told reporters, “Of all
the gin joints in all the world, they had to
walk into mine. But Elvis makes a pretty
good egg salad sandwich. We’ll see how the
Jackson kid works out.”
Anna Nicole Smith, a hostess, said,
“Sometimes they report celebrities as being
dead. But they just come to work here in
Hamtramack. I’m not sure which is worse.”
August 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 79