98 August 2009.indd - Ion AZ

Progressive Insurance
No Help to Amish
LANCASTER, Penn. — Deep in the heart I wrote Progressive a letter and gave it to
of Pennsylvania Dutch Country, the big Ezekiel, who will take it to the postmaster,
haired, heavy lipstick and eyeliner of the who will take it to this she-devil, Flo.”
good-hearted Flo, TV spokesperson for
Progressive Insurance Company holds no Executives in corporate headquarters in
place in the life of the Amish.
Mayfield, Ohio, are perplexed. “We insure
automobiles, motorcycles, RVs, and so forth.
But never before has anybody asked us to
insure their butter churn or mangle. What in
the hell’s a mangle, anyway?”
“We heard about this concept of ‘insurance’
but so far it’s been of no help,” said
Zebediah Armstrong, a wheelwright. “The
other day I was in my buggy down by the
Old Mill Stream when my mare, Jezebel,
threw a shoe. I was instructed to call an 800
number. Is that the mark of The Beast? Is
it like 666? Insurance is Satan’s work! But
Future Progressive Insurance commercials
will feature Flo at an egg incubator with
silhouettes of Amish, since photography
steals their spirit.
82 WWW.IONAZ.COM August 2009