98 August 2009.indd - Ion AZ

y Addison DeWitt
We move into
the dog days of summer
hoping for some brief respite from the
heat and the bad new in the obituaries.
This summer fl ies have been dropping like
celebrities.
It’s a sad day for bachelors in Phoenix.
Word on the street is that sexpot of the
century David Kitchen is taking his hot
little “cucina” is off the market, pumpkins.
Again! Frankly, dearies, my heart is
broken. Cutie-pie Kitchen is slated to be
“committed” this upcoming Valentine’s
Day, 2010, in Sedona, probably in one
a spiritual vortex by a shaman or
some kind of New Age witch
doctor. Well, he needs to
be committed all right!
So make sure your
chakras, aura and
biorhythms are all in
alignment, honey. If
you need me to act
as Oracle and wave
any smudge sticks
around and burn some
incense to bless your
union, just let me know.
I’m also happy to spend
time with you in a sweat lodge
for a little bit of “Ass”tral Plane
Travel before the happy day, FYI.
Check out the increasingly glamorous new
patio at Bar1, featuring pass through bar
service. Designed by noted world famous
architect Frank Gehry, it’s appealing and
it’s so nice to be able to step outside and
have a breath of nice, clean, fresh air while
you’re fi ring up a healthy cigarette. [Noted
world famous architect Frank Gehry did
not design the patio. But it sure sounds
good! — Ed.]
Rumor had it that Bar1tender Scott Stowe
had a new boyfriend named Eric. Yes,
that’s two hads. Had had. And that’s how
Scott introduced him to me one Saturday
night. He said — and I quote, “This is
my new boyfriend, Eric.” End quote. But
apparently after a long-term relationship
of one week it was over because Scott
informed me that he was single and
looking and that he’ll move in any
boyfriend faster than a Lesbian with a U-
Haul should Mr. Right (Now) come along.
Applications now being accepted.
On the Political Front — and I know that’s
why you read this column — is it true that
former ASU Sigma Nu fraternity “House
Mom” Neil Giuliano is tossing his Bendel
bonnet into the ring for Arizona’s
next governor? And as a
Democrat — fi nally?
Looks like the former
Man from GLAAD will
be duking it out with
Attorney General
Terry “The Doofus”
Goddard for the
nomination. I think
a Pillsbury Bake-Off
might be a good test.
Stay tuned for details.
Tough times call for tough
measures. Councilman/Vice
Mayor Tom Simplot was pounding
the pavement and cadging for campaign
contributions in the horrible, awful, dreary
city of San Francisco and suffering through
unbearably dull cocktail parties to help
fund his campaign for re-election. Seems
that a number of Phoenix ex-pats like that
obscure object of my desire, Christopher
Vasquez, and an assortment of louche
“remittance men” [that means their family
paid them to leave for some scandalous
reason. — Ed.] who love their hometown
so much they apparently can’t stand to live
here anymore banded together in Sodom
by the Bay and broke out the Rice-a-Roni
[“The San Francsico Treat!” — Ed.] and
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