About Boys - The Southport School

This booklet has been
prepared by interested
and concerned professional
educators at The Southport
School to help parents in the
very important - and at times
demanding - role of assisting their
sons to grow to their full potential
and to take their proud place as
members of our adult community.
We hope you find it useful, and would
be very pleased to hear from any who have
further suggestions to improve its usefulness in
subsequent editions.
Enjoy the booklet and enjoy raising your sons
to be fine young men!

The following are a few facts
we know about boys
Boys under-perform
compared with girls
in literacy tests at
both Year 3 and Year
6 in Government
schools. This
result is replicated
throughout the
school system.
Boys achieve
notably lower
grades in English
at both School
Certificate Level
and Higher School
Certificate. (NSW).
Boys perform better
in numeracy tests at
Years 3 and 6.
Girls have
outperformed boys
over the past 13
years on the basis
of the mean TES
(Tertiary Entrance
Scores).
2003 Queensland
Tertiary Admissions
Centre Annual
Report indicates
that at all upper
OP bands except
OP Band 1 females
outnumber males.
The difference at
Band 1 and 2 is
only 0.4% of all
students qualifying
for an OP; however,
at Band 4 the
difference is 18 %.
More girls than boys
stay on to complete
Year 12 (2002:
20,165 girls 19,149
boys in Queensland)
Boys are twice as
likely as girls to be
labelled "learning
disabled"
Boys are under
represented in
the total available
University and TAFE
places.
Boys can be
uncommunicative.
They will not
talk about their
problems. However
the majority of
students needing
welfare assistance
are boys.
Boys have fewer
alternative dispute
resolution skills
than girls and
sometimes see
physical conflict as
an acceptable way
to resolve problems.
Studies suggest
that a boy's self
esteem is more
fragile than that of
a girl and the rate
of depression
among boys is
alarmingly high.
Boys are four to six
times more likely to
commit suicide.
90% of cases of
Attention Deficit
Hyperactivity
Disorder (A.D.H.D.)
are boys.
By age 15 boys are
three times more
likely to die from
any cause - but
particularly from
accidents, violence
and suicide.

The Construction of Masculinity
“Our culture co-opts some of the most impressive
qualities boys can possess - their physical energy,
boldness, curiosity, and action orientation - and
distorts them into a punishing dangerous definition
of masculinity”
(Kindlon D, & Thompson M. Raising Cain)
It should be clear from the these facts that the
picture of a boy's life as we enter a new century is
a challenging one. A disproportionate number of
boys are not achieving academically, many develop
behaviour problems, have dangerously low self
esteem, drop out of school, and in some instances
decide that life is no longer worth living.
Dr. William Pollack, Clinical Psychologist and
Co-Director, Centre for Men, McLean Hospital
Harvard Medical School, in his book ‘Real
Boys’, suggests that many of the dilemmas
faced by boys today arise from adherence
in our society to what he calls the Boy
Code - “the outdated and constricting
assumptions, models and rules about
boys that our society has used since the
nineteenth century”.

Briefly, the Boy Code states that boys assume from a very
early age a mask of masculinity. They learn to be ashamed
and guilty about feelings of weakness, vulnerability, fear
and despair. It demands that boys be disciplined, toughened
up, made to act like ‘real men’. These messages and attitudes,
Pollack argues, are quite insidious and permeate even the most
liberal thinking households and schools and stand in obvious
contradiction to the new expectations of society for the development
of caring, sharing, sensitive ‘new age’ men.
There exist four basic stereotyped male ideals or models of behaviour
at the heart of the Boy Code.
> The ‘sturdy oak.’ Men are stoic, stable, and independent; they
do not show emotion and do not grieve openly. Boys should
pretend to be confident and independent even though they may
be afraid and be desperate for love, attention and support.
> ‘Give ’em hell.’ This stereotype is based on the assumption
that ‘boys are biologically wired to act like macho high-energy
violent supermen. These images of exaggerated stoicism,
violent, impossibly-powerful supermen, are everywhere in film
on television, computer and video screens’.
> The ‘big wheel’ This represents the belief that men
feel the need to achieve status, dominance and power.
This imperative may drive a man to work excessive hours
chasing academic or business success. Alternatively he
may chase riches through gambling or status through
excessive alcohol consumption.
> ‘No sissy stuff’ This model of male behaviour is a
cornerstone of the Boy Code. ‘It is the literal gender
straightjacket that prohibits boys from expressing the
feelings or urges seen (mistakenly) as 'feminine' -
dependence, warmth, empathy.’ This faulty perception
of masculinity demands that boys shut out these
feelings. Should they be displayed, then the taunts,
threats and shame that result will make a boy
determined never to act that way again.
As parents, educators and communities, we must
strive to counter these myths of masculinity and

challenge what we know to be outmoded
views of what it means to
be male served up to our boys by profit
driven media.
We must protect and nurture the emotional
lives of our boys, to help them to feel
comfortable with whom they really are and to
get out from behind the mask of masculinity.
Pollack suggests there are some starting points
for teachers and parents to get behind the
mask of masculinity and to find out who our
boys really are;
> Become aware that the behaviours that we
sometimes observe in our boys, the bravado, the
acting out, uncharacteristic violence or withdrawal
and sullen silence, may in fact be masking feeling
and emotions that the boy does not have the
vocabulary to explain. Counsellors know that the
most common answer they get from a boy in trouble,
initially, is that ‘everything's fine... there's nothing
to talk about’
> We are unlikely to have a boy tell us how he is
feeling if we come to the discussion from a punishment
or correction stance. More successful is a problem
solving approach starting from a point of view that
‘things do not seem to be working out too well. How
could things be different or better?’
> Boys need time to let us know how they feel about
things; we should attempt to become familiar with each
boy's unique timing for disclosing his feelings.
> ‘Connection through action’. Pollack argues that many boys
are more likely to ‘open up’ while engaged in some sort of
activity. Hence this connection, for which many boys long, to
their parents, coaches, teachers, friends and families will occur
naturally when engaged in some form of activity. The message is
clear that we must be involved in our boys' lives and they in ours.
The dialogue that comes from this involvement must be free, open
and accepting of the full range of emotional experiences.

The widely acclaimed psychologist and author
on raising boys Steve Biddulph suggests there
are three distinct stages in boyhood - maybe
you recognise them...
From Birth to about Six
At this stage, boys essentially belong to their
Mums. Gender differences are not important
although there are some studies suggesting that
mothers and fathers relate differently to male and
female infants. As toddlers, personalities start to
emerge and boys and girls may be either placid and
easy going or fractious, anxious, active and difficult
to settle. There are tendencies for boys to be more
active in their play, to prefer to handle concrete
objects and not to be as welcoming of strangers to
their play.
From about Six to Fourteen
During this stage boys start to look more to Dad or
the significant male figure in their life for interest
and activity. They learn from this male and copy
his behaviours. Mum remains important but in a
sense the boy is studying how it is to be a male.
It is important to note that this change
of focus from mother to father should
be natural and at the boy’s own pace.
It is not something that needs to
be forced as in a ‘toughening up’ or
‘severing of apron strings’. This would
simply be a perpetuation of the ‘Boy
Code’ referred to elsewhere in this
booklet which suggests that boys need
to disconnect from their mothers ‘for
their own good’. At this stage Biddulph
suggests that fathers need to increase
their involvement with their sons. Where
there is not a father around boys may
look to other significant males for
example an uncle, neighbour, teacher or
sports coach. Obviously, the presence
of significant adult males is very
important at this time.
0 5 10 15 20 25 30 35 40 45 50 55 60 65 70 75 80 85 90 95 100 105 110 115 120 125 130 135 140 145 150 155 160 165 170 17

From about Fourteen to Adulthood
For many boys this is a critical period. The male
hormone, testosterone, has ‘kicked in’, physical
changes are taking place, and there is a hunger for
adventure, new challenges and risk taking. Also at this
time there can be massive mood swings from being
exited and ‘fired up’ to being bored and depressed.
Boys search for something to be a part of, to belong
to and to develop a passion about. They may get ‘into’
music, cars and motorbikes, surfing or some other
sport. Sadly some that cannot make these connections
may seek excitement, challenges and acceptance in
destructive ways through criminal activity, drug taking
and gang membership.
The successful and safe passage from boyhood to
manhood is largely dependent on having these energies
channelled by good adult male mentors. People who
listen, provide wise counsel, act as role models, care
and are willing to share openly and honestly their
own feelings and experiences.

We all need to feel that we belong.
Boys in particular in the second
and third stages of development
begin to feel this need most
keenly. Pollack calls this
‘emotional connection’ - the
need to find people who
think and feel as we do
and accept us by validating
our feelings and experiences.
Happily, most boys find these
connections with friends,
family members, teachers and
coaches.
Unfortunately, for some, the Boy Code
and the mask of masculinity can distort
these connections. The myths of what it is
to be masculine which are fed to us in a variety of
subtle and not so subtle ways cause some boys to develop
inappropriate ways of belonging.
These are reflected in four general modes of behaviour.
> “I belong when I am noticed and the centre of
attention.” This belief leads to attention seeking and
showing off. Many boys who hold this belief are incorrectly
labelled A.D.H.D. A pattern of ignoring a boy until he
breaks something, hits a sibling or ‘waves a flag’ in
some other way, and then responding, will reinforce this
attention-seeking behaviour.
> “I belong when I am in control.” Boys who see
only powerful men or who believe power and control
to be defining male characteristics may demonstrate
inappropriate behaviours based on power struggles. Their
self worth and sense of belonging is enhanced when they
are in conflict with those they perceive to have more
power. Typically they argue over the smallest issue or
seem deliberately to provoke an argument. This may be
done by engaging in an activity which they know will
‘rattle the cage’ of parents and teachers or alternatively
by failing to do something which is required of them.

Increasingly it is thought that these gender
differences are linked with dominance of either
> “I belong when I hurt those who have hurt me.” As an
individual or as part of a peer group, if a boy feels he
has been treated unfairly then behaviour designed to
hurt others can result. Theft from family members,
graffiti, vandalism or the senseless destruction of
public property is behaviour designed to hurt others.
Essentially these behaviours are masking emotional
pain that these boys have buried.
> “I belong when I am helpless.” Boys who
develop this mode of belonging are less common.
Typical patterns of behaviour are displays of
inadequacy, or withdrawal from situations.
Their self worth is dependent on being the
person who always needs to be helped or
rescued from situations.
It is widely accepted that people have three
learning modalities
> Visual - learning by seeing things
> Auditory - learning by hearing or being told
about things
> Kinesthetic - learning by doing things
It is true that learning occurs best when all
three modalities are harnessed; in fact, good
teaching should strive to do this. There is a
saying, “Tell me and I will forget, show me
and I might remember, involve me and I will
understand.” It is also true that people have
preferred modalities or learning styles.
There is some evidence to suggest that gender
differences exist in relation to preferred styles
of learning and processing information.

the left or right hemispheres of the brain
and the differential development of these
hemispheres in males and females. Some general
observations of learning patterns of boys find
that in the early years they do better at those
subjects that are based in logic, with fact and
formula. Boys are practical problem solvers and
have good spatial reasoning and mechanical
ability. These are right brain attributes. They
learn less well by listening but excel at rotating
three-dimensional objects in their heads. They
are generally slower to develop language skills
and are less able to articulate their feelings
or empathise with the feelings of others (left
brain functions) than girls at the same age.
Generally boys are more active in their learning,
they learn more by being shown and actively
participating or doing.
Boys prefer clear boundaries and parameters
for their learning. They want to know what
the rules are and perform best when these are
enforced fairly and consistently be that in a
Physics classroom or the playground.
Much has been written about boys and literacy
problems. Boys are generally over represented
in remedial literacy programs worldwide. It
has been suggested that areas of the brain
responsible for language develop more rapidly in
girls than boys. Studies have shown that parents
talk more to baby girls and are rougher and more
active in their play with little boys.
Effective educational environments, be that of
the school or the home, should take into account
these unique characteristics of boys’ learning.

Recognise and be accepting
of a full range of emotions and
feelings in your sons, not just
those that are considered ‘manly’.
Always be ready to challenge and
question with your sons the ‘mask of
masculinity’.
> Provide positive role models to counter
the too often portrayed notion of manhood
as a combination of toughness, promiscuity,
hard drinking and a willingness to solve every
conflict with violence.
> Monitor their media diet. Watch what they are
watching. Discuss, make comment and show concern
where this is warranted. The sneakier companies, fast
food industry, the soft drink industry, the music industry
and others, through the mass media, shape our boys images
of themselves. Tell them when they are being ‘conned’.

Be active in their lives. Meet their friends. Become
aware of the power of your parenting. Clarify your own
values and be explicit about these. In forming their own
value system, they will scrutinise yours. Don’t leave
them wondering what your values are.
> Have a plan for your son’s spiritual and moral development.
Too many boys receive scant if any education in these
important areas. Many times, it is not until a boy does
something that is horrifically amoral, that we scratch our
heads and wonder why he does not know right from wrong.
Start moral education at an early age.
> Be an informed parent. There is a bibliography with
books about boys and books for boys at the back of this
booklet.
> Expose boys to a wide range of cultures and points of
view from an early age. As mentioned earlier, boys tend
not to be accepting of ‘outsiders’ and to be intolerant of
differences. Don’t wait until rigid prejudices are established
before you talk with them about tolerance of differences.
> Develop a multi-layered support system. Boys who
have several strong support systems, for example,
parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, coaches
teachers and caring adult mentors who run clubs and
activities are less likely to get into serious difficulties.

Build your Teenager's self-esteem and enjoy
being a parent again by Susan Barton. Anne
Donovan, 2001.
Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph, Finch Publishing,
2004.
Adolescence; a guide for parents by Michael
Carr-Greg. Finch Publishing 2002.
A Fine Young Man – what parents, mentors and
educators can do to shape adolescent boys into
exceptional men by Michael Gurian. Penguin
Putnam, 1999.
The Good Son – shaping the moral development
of our boys and young men by Michael Gurian.
Penguin Putnam, 1999.
Boy Oh Boy, how to raise and educate boys
by Dr Tim Hawkes. Pearson Educational, 2001.
Raising Cain – protecting the emotional life
of boys by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson.
Michael Joseph, 1999.
Boys Forward by Ian Lillico. www.boysforward.com,
2002.
The Men They Will Become – the nature and nurture
of male character by Eli H.M.D. Newberger. Perseus
Books, 1999.
Secret Men's Business – manhood, the big gig by John
Marsden. Pan Macmillan, 1988.
Boys' Stuff – boys talking about what matters by
Wayne Martino. Crows Nest, 2001.
Boys and Books by James Moloney. ABC Books, 2002
Real Boys – rescuing our sons from the myths of
boyhood by William Pollack. Random House, 2004.
Real Boys' Voices by William Pollack. Scribe
Publications, 2000.
Heroes by Jim Stynes, Crows Nest, 2003.
Speaking of Boys – answers to the most-asked
questions about raising sons by Michael Thompson.
Ballentine, 2000.

Reception – Year 2
The kiss that missed by David Melling. Hodder, London 2002.
Just like my dad by David Melling. Hodder, London 2002.
The boing boing races by Bruce Whatley. Koala Books,
Sydney 1999.
Stickybeak by Hazel Edwards. Nelson, Melbourne, 1986.
Just like you and me by David Miller. Hodder, Sydney 1999.
Sebastian lives in a hat by Thelma Catterwell.
Omnibus Books, 1985.
My mum and dad make me laugh by Nick Sharratt.
Walker Books, London 1994.
Rattletrap car by Phyllis Root Walker Books, London.
I know a rhino by Charles Fuge. Koala Books, Sydney.
Gordon’s got snookie by Lisa Shanahan. Allen & Unwin, 2002.
Something else by Kathryn Cave. Viking, 1994.
Years 3 – 5
Rowan of Rin by Emily Rodda. Scholastic, 1993.
Leaving no footprints by Elaine Forrestal. Puffin, 2001.
Ramose Prince in exile by Carole Wilkinson. Black Dog Books, 2001.
Chasing the break by Michael Pankridge. Black Dog Books, 2003.
Sacked! by Rachel Flynn. Puffin, 2000.
Grommet saves the world by James Moloney. Puffin, 2003.
Boyz rule! Water rats by Felice Arena. Macmillan, 2003.
The boy who could fly by Sally Gardiner. 2001.
Tashi by Anna Fineberg. Allen & Unwin, 1995.

Years 6 – 7
Stormbreaker by Anthony Horowitz. Walker Books, 2000.
Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer. Viking, 2001.
Wild magic by Tamora Pierce. Scholastic, 1993.
Castaways of the Flying Dutchmen by Brian Jacques.
Viking.
Hatchet by Gary Paulsen. Pan, 1991.
Specky Macgee by Felice Arena. Harper Collins, 2002.
Lockie Leonard human torpedo by Tim Winton.
Penguin 2003.
Alex Jackson Grommet by Pat Flynn. UQP, 2001.
Whistleman by Brian Ridden. Lothian 2000.

Years 8 – 10
Holes by Louis Sachar. Bloomsbury, 2000.
Flash Jack by Maureen McCarthy. Penguin, 2001.
Hoot by Carl Hiassen. Macmillan, 2002.
Lord of the nutcracker men by Iain Lawrence. Collins, 2002.
City of the beasts by Isabel Allende. Harper Collins, 2002.
Keeper by Mal Peet. Walker books, 2003.
Airborn by Kenneth Oppel. Hodder Childrens, 2004.
Sabriel by Garth Nix. Allen & Unwin, 2003.
Mortal engines by Philip Reeve. Scholastic, 2001.
The thief lord by Cornelia Funke. The Chicken House, 2002.
Soldier boy : the true story of Jim Martin the youngest
Anzac by Anthony Hill. Penguin, 2001.
The house of windjammer by V.A. Richardson.
Bloomsbury, 2003.
Running dogs by Ken Catran. Harper Collins, 1998.
Montmorency by Eleanor Updale. Scholastic, 2003.
Lion boy by Zizou Corder.
Penguin, 2003.
Tomorrow when the war began
by John Marsden. Pan, 1995.
The Bridge to Wiseman’s cove
by James Moloney. UQP, 1996

Years 11 – 12
The lovely bones by Alice Sebold. Pan Macmillan, 2002.
Northern lights by Philip Pullman. Scholastic, 1998.
Four fires by Bryce Courtney. Penguin, 2002.
The messenger by Markus Zusak. Pan Macmillan, 2002.
Across the nightingale floor by Lian Hearn.
Hodder Headline, 2003.
48 shades of brown by Nick Earls. Penguin, 1999.
The life of Pi by Yann Martel. Cannongate, 2003.
1421 by Gavin Menzies. Bantam, 2002.
Hover car racer by Matt Reilly. Pan, 2004.
Three men in a raft by Ben Kozel. Pan, 2002.
Lionheart by Jesse Martin. Allen & Unwin, 2002.
Off the wing on a prayer by Matt Rogers. ESM, 2002.
Harlequin by Bernard Cornwell. Harper Collins, 2001.
Montana 1948 by Larry Watson. Pan, 1995.
Generals die in bed by Charles Yale Harrison.
Penguin, 2003.
The horses too are gone by Michael Keenan.
Bantam, 1998.
Baudolino by Umberto Eco. Randon House, 2002.
The Ayre affair by Jasper FForde. Hodder, 2001.
We hope you have enjoyed reading this publication which
has been prepared by staff of The Southport School. For more
information on boys' education please visit our website:
www.tss.qld.edu.au

The
Southport
School
Learning to Lead
Anglican Boys' Boarding and Day School
Winchester Street,
Southport 4215, Queensland
Phone 07 5531 9944 Fax 07 5591 2124
www.tss.qld.edu.au