TRIADOPTION ® Library, Inc. - CA ~ Pg 369-480

AN OPEN LETTERTO ADOPTlVE
PARENTS from another adoptive parent
By Diane Robie - Florida
Everytime I read something about
adoptees' wanting to. "search" or even
"wonder" about their natural (birth)
parents, I hear deep criticism, even
open hosti 1 i ty , towards you, the adoptive
parents. This attitude that accepts
adoptive parents'' fears without
any concern for understanding WHY
these fears exist is most disturbing.
I think it is time to get down to the
bottom of the problem (the fears, the
whys of feeling threatened), and try
to solve it.
The many, many examples of adoptive
parents squelching the desire in thei.r
adoptive children to "wonder" about a
perfectly natural concern. . . thei r
heritage.. . is most alarming. Some of
you adoptive parents may be afraid that
your child, whom you've lovingly nurtured
for eighteen years wi 11 leave you
emotionally and turn toward their birth
parents. You fear this, because you have
been told that your adoptive child will
not think about their natural parents if
their home life is better than what the
natural parent could have offered. And,
certainly, you are told the adoptive
home is more stable, more secure or the
natural parents wouldn't have had to
give the child up. No doubt, you were
also told that the natural mother wi.11
renew her life, forget the trauma of a
"child out of wedlock" and never want to
be reminded of the experience agai'n. And
just who is it who has given you adopti
ve parents these ideas? The agencies,
the counselors, and the legiqslators who
have voted in the "sealed record" laws.
I rarely hear or read anything about
MHY you feel the way you do, only that
you do. It is ended there; no wondering
I
on the writers part as to WHY you feel
1
1 threatened, hurt, upset. It seems to me
that people just assume or accept that
adoptive parents were born this way, or,
maybe these feelings are just a part of
being an adoptive parent. These are
nei they. reasonable or logi ca1 deductions.
Has anyone of you ever given any
thought as to where you learned this
behaviour? You were to1 d that the
natural mother "legally" gave up the
child, she cannot come back and reclaim
the child, she wi7l "forget"
and make another 1 ife for herself.
You were also assured that the records
are sealed and nobody will ever be able
to get to the real information.. ..there
is nothing to fear. You are also lead
to believe that your adoptive child will
not want to make any inquiries if tie/she
is well-adjusted and happy; and, of .... . .
course, that i s your responsi'bi 1 i'ty as
parents to make sure that child i.s happy
and well-adjusted.
Now, take a1 1 that professi.ona1 advise
and try to handle those "wonderi'ng"
questions your adoptive chi'ld has such
as "I wonder what my natural mother looks
1 i ke?" Are you going to believe that your
chi 1 d i s growing up to be a we1 1 -adjusted,
happy adult? No, unless you didnl't 6elieve
the professional advice. If you did
be1 ieve it, then you are going to find
yourself questioning your abilities as a
parent.
Instead of hearing what that inquiry
really was, you wi 11 more than li'kely
interpret it as "I wonder if my natural
mother is as good (or better). than you
(his/her adoptive parent)?" There is a
difference, and you need to be able to
realisticly hear just exactly what your
child is saying. The negative interpre- :
tation is typical because no one bothered
to tell the adoptive parent that the .:
child just might have the same curiousity
that a natural child has about his/ber
historical background. If this natural
curiosity is accepted i.n the natural
child, and it is, then why is it not
accepted in the adoptive child?
Why do agencies, and counselors try to
tell us adoptive parents that our child '
will not have this curiosity? Why are
the legislators legalizing the denial of
this natural, curiosity?