issue 54 - AsiaLIFE Magazine

usiness links, exposure to pop culture, and
intermarriage, have meant that “attitudes can
be more open,” she says.
Integration
In the case of intermarriage, Vietnamese
families tend to open up to foreigners not just
because they stick around, but because they
adapt.
The process begins with le phep, deference
to parents, from learning to address them
respectfully, to having them over or visiting at
least once a week. Andrea remembers one
meal when he began eating before Thuy’s
parents — a faux pas in Vietnamese culture,
which dictates that younger generations invite
older ones to eat first.
But few changes have a larger impact on
the dynamics of relationships than a foreigner’s
decision to take up Vietnamese.
“In the beginning I
would take my son
out, and everybody
just looked at me
with strange eyes.”
Nguyen Hung
“I want to learn everything,” says Arnaud,
adding that Hien will teach him Vietnamese.
“You cannot understand the way of life of a
country without learning the language.”
That’s still a work-in-progress for Adam
Schofield, from Manchester, and Le Thi Ngo
Nhien. Since his studying has dropped off,
Adam is more likely to use his language CD
during a DJ gig than a Vietnamese lesson.
Red tape has stalled their marital plans, but
the two have a 1-year-old son, and Adam
says he’ll probably try learning Vietnamese
again when his son does.
Sonia studied Vietnamese for a few years
and says she’s grateful to participate during
festivities, such as wishing her in-laws good
health and longevity. But she and Hung
generally lapse into English, which Ngoc, the
university instructor, says reflects a 40-60 balance
between Vietnamese and westerners.
“Just in my own opinion, still one side is
dominant,” Ngoc says. “Vietnamese usually
have to follow other cultures, but they enjoy
that culture, too.”
The language barrier intrudes most
obviously when husbands and wives can't
communicate with their in-laws, or even
pronounce each other's names correctly. English
is but one symptom of how far western
influence has spread, but that makes it a more
widely useful language than Vietnamese.
Partly for that reason and to keep a vacation-like
barrier between him and the country,
Doru, the Romanian, chooses never to adopt
Vietnamese. Though Han wants him to learn,
Doru is blunt in his refusal. Just as he never
acquired a taste for local cuisine, Doru thinks
no one has to change his ways for others. Yet
he admits, “When we chose that she would
learn English, subliminally, we were choosing
to live on my terms.”
Gender divide
Han makes the compromise, reasoning that
living on western terms is to her benefit. Wearing
a white lace dress and heavy bangs, she
says during an interview at her bar-cafe that
the arrangement puts her on a more equal
footing with Doru.
“Vietnamese men want us to be traditional,
clean the house, cook, take care of the kids,”
she says in Vietnamese. On the other hand, if
she washes clothes, Doru dries them. If she
cooks, he washes dishes. Not that she likes
to cook.
She writes off Vietnamese men as selfish
and jealous, but Vietnamese women own up
to their spars with the green-eyed monster,
too. Chalk it up to a society that leaves little
room for friendships with the other sex, particularly
after marriage.
Adam, 33, and Nhien, 27, have trouble
Sonia Watson and Nguyen Hung
28 asialife HCMC