documento

‘My father’s death is something
that will affect me forever, but I’m
more at peace with it and him’
The reality TV star and
successful PR executive has
been hiding an emotional
crisis unleashed by the brutal
end of a romance. Now
feeling more optimistic and
looking radiant during our
photoshoot at a mountain
retreat near Alicante, she
says: “I’m feeling strong and
content with who I am. And
that’s a great place to be”
together. “He told me in a phone call
while I was with my mother in Devon
– thank goodness, because I went to
pieces, so at least I had people around
me,” says Cheska, whose mum Karen
runs a fashion boutique in Salcombe.
“I was heartbroken, bereft, a mess.
I hadn’t seen it coming, although in
retrospect, I can see he and I were not
on the same page.
“I’d got to the stage where I’d
wanted us to move in together and
for things to start moving forwards.
“I was completely in love with
him. My thoughts were moving
towards marriage, children, which,
on reflection, he was always reticent
to discuss.
“He told me when he broke up
with me that these weren’t things he
wanted now, or perhaps ever. Because
I was already fragile, I took it very,
very badly. But a part of me was livid
with myself for reacting in what I felt
was such a ridiculous way. I’m 29 years
old, I’d had break-ups before. I felt
stupid to be so utterly distraught.”
GRIEF AND ANGER
Back in London, Cheska tried to cope
by immersing herself in her thriving
PR company, Big Smoke, whose
clients include Chelsea’s Bluebird
restaurant and the Raffles hotel
resorts. But each day was becoming
more of a struggle.
“My close friends could tell I wasn’t
right,” she says. “I felt like I was
constantly pushing people away,
because I didn’t want to admit or
explain how I was feeling. I knew
something was really wrong but I
couldn’t deal with it at all, and putting
on a front became more exhausting.
“When I look back at photos of me
attending events during that time, or
on the show, I can see that, beneath
the forced smile, I’m sinking.”
With on-going counselling she has
learned that what is likely to have
triggered her depression is “complex
grief” and that the end of her love
affair was just a tipping point.
On the surface, she believed she
was mourning the loss of the man
she’d hoped to marry. In reality, that
mourning ran far deeper, to the
suicide, three years ago this month, of
her father, Robin, a former highflying
banker. He was found hanged
at his home in Hong Kong, leaving
his only daughter struggling with a
host of complex emotions, which she
describes here with heartbreaking
honesty for the first time.
“I was so angry with my father for
so long about leaving us the way he
did,” says Cheska, whose parents
divorced when she was young, but
who spent a lot of her later childhood
staying with her dad when he lived in
New York.
“But I was also angry with myself
for not being there for him.
“I knew he wasn’t in a positive
place, although never how bad it
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