October 4, 2011 - Latest Issue - McGill University

JONATHANBROSSEAUL a w ICRIME_08tu m’as attendu sur la grève dece que saturne chantait et la cordeà danser fouette de tendres molletsles jupes virevoltées le chauffarda bu un peu trop une de moins çane change rien sauf pour eux un tunnellumière je l’ai lu avec mes doigtsson corps frigorifié sur l’asphalted’ordinaire l’ordinateur rêvaitsous la pluie d’éléphants anticipésC O N T I N U E D F R O M P R E V I O U S PA G Ebacked off when New York started throwinghaymakers. Virginia, disgusted by thegeneral lack of chivalry, grumbled aboutalways having to do everything itself. Leadpipe in hand, Virginia took on New York,New Jersey and all of New England, whofoolishly came at him one by one and predictablyreceived the beat down of a lifetime.Smiling dumbly, Tennessee andNorth Carolina joined the melee, watchingVirginia's back until they noticed Ohio andPennsylvania. One had Missouri in asleeper hold while the other knocked himout with an upper-cut. Impressed, Tennesseewas about to ask Ohio and Pennsylvaniaif they had been working outrecently when Michigan drop-kicked himfrom behind. Amidst the chaos Kentuckymentioned something about “trippingout” before fainting.With Rhode Island in a headlock and stillfighting New York with the other hand,Virginia allowed Illinois to come up behindhim and smash a bar stool over his head.Temporarily concussed, Virginia begandoubting the wisdom of drunk driving. Atthat moment West Virginia walked intothe bar and threw a brick at Florida, whowas not really doing much of anything.None of the Northern states were at all interestedin taking on Texas (they had seenwhat he had done to Mexico while workingas a bouncer) but luckily for themTexas was mostly interested in doingbody-shots off Louisiana while Arkansasstood there awkwardly. California rolledher eyes and fixed another martini as thefight continued to rage.Having dispensed with the first round ofchallengers, Virginia demanded satisfactionfor Pennsylvania's eye gouging ofNorth Carolina. As Virginia lunged atPennsylvania, Maine stuck out his leg andtripped him into the counter. MeanwhileMichigan and Wisconsin had managed topin Georgia on the ground while Ohiopressed a lit cigarette to his face andpoured brandy on the wounds. Even Massachusettsthought this was a bit much,until they dragged South Carolina, stillscreaming obscenities, from underneath atable and gave him the same treatment.By this time Mississippi was somehowmissing an arm and North Carolina lookedeven worse. When Virginia finally startedto come to, Ohio and Pennsylvania wereboth standing over him. The fight wasover, and they all agreed it had been atremendous effort by everyone. Britainand France reluctantly called the paramedicsbefore slipping out the back exit.Drinks were poured, plans for a new barwere drawn up and all the states wonderedhow they could have gotten so excitedover the issue of drunk driving.Could it have been all the drinking, somewondered? They soon dropped the subject,however, shifting to their newfavourite topic: their collective excellencein all areas of bar fight brutality. Certainlyno strangers would think twice aboutstepping into their bar uninvited. “U-S-A!U-S-A! U-S-A!” they cheered. Just then ablack man walked into the bar, sat downand ordered a beer. Only some of theNorthern states noticed, and those thatdid fidgeted nervously. Except Vermont.Vermont smiled. Huddled in the corner,their voices lowered, the Southern statesglared menacingly.10 • 4 OCTOBRE 2011 • QN