October 4, 2011 - Latest Issue - McGill University

MAXFLOMENL a w IA PUB DIVIDED: THE AMERICANCIVIL WAR AS A BAR FIGHTLate one night all the United States wereat the bar, drinking and carrying on asthey had done every Thursday for as longas they could remember. Usually theirconversation revolved around their twofavourite subjects, upon which they alwaysagreed: how much better they werethan the British, and that this bar was thegreatest place on earth. But this Thursdaywas different. Certainly they had beendrinking more than usual, times were richfor all of them; but now some of thestates began to murmur that not everythingwas perfect in the bar. Perhaps, theysuggested meekly, things could be evenbetter. It so happened this suggestioncame mostly from states in the North. TheSouthern states were shocked by such aninappropriate change of conversationalmaterial, “Why ruin the party?” theycried, and proposed another round ofcocktails instead, “Let us toast the bar,and liberty!” The drinks were excellent, atad strong maybe, and everyone calmeddown for the time being.Just before closing time, Missouri, whohad been glaring at his ex-girlfriendKansas all evening, strode across the roomand demanded an explanation for theirmessy break-up the week before. All theNorthern states sighed in exasperation,Kansas and Missouri had been a terriblecouple, they pointed out. Ignoring whathad been an obviously abusive relationship,the Southern states began to egg-onMissouri by banging on the tables andshouting at Kansas to stop playing hardto-get.It was none of the Northern states'business who-dated-who. As the debateover Missouri and Kansas became increasinglyacrimonious, the Southern andNorthern states began drifting towardsopposite ends of the bar.South Carolina, a degenerate alcoholic,had been muttering to himself in the cornerfor some time when he got up toleave. “This place isn't what it used to be,”he slurred, “why I remember when it wasopen-bar every night and you never hadto pay your tab.” Under his breath, SouthCarolina mumbled something about buildinga new bar. No one took this very seriously,South Carolina was a notoriousblow-hard after all, but Massachusettsrecommended he hand over his car keys;Illinois would be the designated driver.South Carolina proclaimed he wouldnever ride with Illinois, who was such anawful prude, and would rather leave withhis bros' Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi.Unfortunately they were alsowasted and could barely stand. Texas hadonly recently become a regular at the barbut was already well respected becausehe was so good at beer-pong and darts.Louisiana, knowing how 'easy' Texas wasafter a few keg-stands, proposed thatTexas drive them all home and stop overfor a few drinks at her place afterwards.This made Arkansas terribly jealous, so heinsisted on at least riding in the trunk.Florida, who had just turned twenty-one,was very impressionable and simplywanted to look cool in front of the oldercrowd. All these states headed for thedoor.This outrageous behaviour was too muchfor the Northern states, “How can anyonejustify drunk driving in this day and age?”they pleaded. South Carolina, belligerentas ever, sneered that drunk driving was asacred right and lurched towards the exit.New York moved to block the door. Nowall the Southern states turned to see whatVirginia would do. Virginia was the oldeststate, a bit snobbish but someone theothers looked up to because he had inventedfreedom and drunk driving, beingquite the party animal in his own day. Yetlately old Virginia detected a lack of respectfrom his peers, which was intolerablefor someone who had helped buildthe bar. Eager to prove he was nopushover, Virginia drained his last sip ofwhiskey and placed a lead pipe on thetable. Tennessee and North Carolina,though not the brightest of dudes, wereold friends of Virginia and saw that hemeant business, so they volunteered tohelp in any way they could. Kentucky andMaryland were having great difficultymaking up their minds on the merits ofdrunk driving. Kentucky had dropped a lotof acid back in the day so the onset ofschizophrenia was understandable; Marylandwas still hung up on her fling withVirginia but was quite put off by the leadpipe. None of this was lost on the bar'sother patrons, France and Britain, whomoved discretely behind the counter andbegan placing bets on what would happennext.Suddenly, South Carolina stood up on hischair, screamed “YEEEHAAAWWW” andhurled a full pint glass across the room. Itshattered in Massachusetts' face. The entirebar became deathly quiet. Everyoneknew South Carolina was a bad drunk,now it was obvious that he was totallyshitfaced. The Northern states made itclear that if South Carolina apologized toMassachusetts then maybe no one elsewould get hurt. South Carolina paused,climbed down from his chair and thenpromptly smashed it over Massachusetts'head.All hell broke loose. South Carolina dovebehind a table, screaming at Alabama andMississippi to do something. Those twohad been talking big for a while but theyQN • OCTOBER 4 2011 • 9