MONEYFORSMARTPEOPLE'BY CLARK STACEY 1LWelcome to the inauguration ofwhat I hope will be a regular columnin these pages. Many <strong>SLUG</strong>readers, 1 expect, often <strong>as</strong>k themselves,"How can I keep abre<strong>as</strong>tof political <strong>issue</strong>s affecting me,while parlaying this informationinto CASH MONEY to maintaina CD collection of Stimboy proportions?+This is a perfectly re<strong>as</strong>onablequestion, and one thatthe local media h<strong>as</strong> been irre- 'sponsibly remiss in failing toaddress. The problem stemsfrom the fact that before this columnappeared, there w<strong>as</strong> nomeans of determining odds forpolitical developm6nts in theBeehive State, whether for interofficepools, individual wagers,or sanctioned c<strong>as</strong>ino gambling.We will be covering two or threepolitical <strong>issue</strong>s or figures aboutwhich reliable odds can bedetermined per month, then givingyou the inside track on makingbookand lining your walletwith the fruits of our piercingsocial analysis."Why," you might<strong>as</strong>k, "should a <strong>SLUG</strong> columnistbe relied upon to make complex<strong>as</strong>sessments of probability worthrisking my money on?" I couldbelabor the extraordinary curriculumvitae that makes me ideally suited for this responsibility,but I would prefer to win yourconfidence with a demonstrationof my foresight. For this re<strong>as</strong>on,we will begin by looking at alocal drama that is unfolding <strong>as</strong> Iwrite. I am composing this columnon December sixteenth, butby the time this reaches you inmid-January I am confident thatthe principals involved will haveplayed their cards and I willhave won your endorsement.Since we have a lot of ground tocover, then, let us 'proceed directlyto ...Issue #l:The Enid and Joe ShowI'm sure we're all tired of theparticulars of this matter, butlet's summarize them just tomake sure we're all reading fromthe same page. .In a move thatcame <strong>as</strong> no surprise to Log CabinClub members in the know, JoeWaldholtz, who many readerswill remember <strong>as</strong> BaronHarkomen in David Lynch'sDune, married Enid Green, whomany readers will remember <strong>as</strong>the cybernetic exploding headdisguise worn by ArnoldSchwartzenegger in Total Recall.After losing a seriously cheapand sleazy campaign againstKaren Shepherd in '92, Enidresurfaced in '94 with the c<strong>as</strong>h toboth capture a House seat andinstall herself in W<strong>as</strong>hington instyle; renting a dizzyingly expen-%ive house and indulging herselfin gourmet meals, fine hotels andfat young boys. Her deep lustfor power and ideological mal-'leability won her a seat on thepowerful Rules Committee, andshe w<strong>as</strong> widely considered to sit-, teth on the right hand of Newtand to have a long politicalcareer in front of her. Schoolchildren throughout the statewere puzzled <strong>as</strong> to why anyonewould spend $3.5 million to wina job that only paid around$130,000 per year, but most votershate math and their crieswent unheeded. Fl<strong>as</strong>h forwardabout a year and severalbounced checks, odd phohe calls,and resigning staffers later, andwe find people <strong>as</strong>king Enid somevery sticky questions. She refersthese questions to Joe, whowrites them down and hidesthem in the b<strong>as</strong>ement. Eventuallythe stench around the legislatinglovebirds is so pronoqnced that itattracts the attention of theFederal Elections Commission,the Justice Department and a fewnational newspapers, and peoplelike Stan Huckaby, their FECaccountant, start refusing to meetthem in public places. Joe vanishesin a puff of bad checks, andlocal talk radio wags have a few ,chuckles with the predictable fatguy-fugitivejokes. There werewhispers in W<strong>as</strong>hington thatEnid knew precisely where herhusband w<strong>as</strong>; that she'd called ina few Avenging Angels fromhome to beat him to death withhis own ball gag and leave himsubmerged to his waist in theE<strong>as</strong>t River with the sign of thetroglodyte stamped on his scalp.By now the national presssmells blood in the water, andEnid keeps a low profile andrehearses her press conferencewhile her attorneys rack up billablehours. Conspicuous in hissilence is Rush Limbaugh, whomany readers will remember <strong>as</strong>the fat kid in the video forTwisted Sister's "I Wanna. Rock."Other conservative pundits, sensingan opportunity to make <strong>as</strong>acrifice to Mammon, either panthe Enid saga or roundly condemnher. By now even thehandful of people who botheredto vote in the '94 elections couldperceive that Enid had made herselfa big shit sandwich, and theytuned in to a marathon pressconference carried nationally byCNN to find out who she feltwould have to eat it. Enidexplained her pathological needfor authority, contempt for herconstituents and mounting list ofpossible federal criminal chargesby claiming that the dog ate herhomework, her husband w<strong>as</strong> awerewolf, and Philis Schlaflyw<strong>as</strong> oh so right, if only she'd listened.So what we have here isyour b<strong>as</strong>ic fat-girl-cheats-tobecome-prom-queensaga, withsome novel financial twists and acreepy metaphor for the '94Republican sweep. Enid'soptions seem to be fairly limited,but here are our picks. Thinklong and hard before you blowyour gambling budget on a longshot.Line: 2-1 Turnout: Amid-January resignation.This one is a no-brainer. Enidis seriously strapped for c<strong>as</strong>h,and she h<strong>as</strong> actually reached 50rare a depth of public revulsionthat she can't even buy a Utahelection. There is no point in finishingout her term, and the justicedepartment will probablyback off if she is no longer inoffice. Citing concern for hermutant spacemonster of a baby,she will resign in mid to lateJanuary, hoping to retain enoughcredibility to land a sweet lobbyingjob.Line: 5-1 Turnout: A herecomes-the-subpoena-kidpanicresignation.Don't underestimate Enid'spower of self-delusion. Shemight just tell herself that thepolls back home are bi<strong>as</strong>ed bythe media and that she stillenjoys a groundswell of supportfrom people conditioned byward theater to be convinced byher press conference performance.Enid's attorneys, however,are on the lookout for theJustice Department's paper server,and are ready to file resignationpapers at a moment's noticeand bundle their client into theback of a hollow Coke machine.Working against this possibilityis the fact that Enid will have ahard time finding high-payingwork on the hill if she waits toolong to resign.Line: 12-1 Turnout: Enid's pressconference becomes a roadshow.At the back of Enid's mindduring her 5-hour, multi-hankywhine-a-thon w<strong>as</strong> the possibilitythat if it played well, she mighttry it out on a grand jury, theHouse Ethics Committee, andvarious other federal courtvenues. If she tries to finish outher term, this will almost certainlyhappen. Not too likely, consideringthe reviews that cameback from the dress rehearsal.Line: 18-1 Turnout: Enid finishesher term.A very long shot, simplybecause she and Joe were tooincompetent to hide their financialgimcrackery very well.Democrats won't let the JusticeDepartment drop the ball on thisone, but I mention it for the benefitof those of you who are bettingwith other people's money.Issue #2: Jim Hansen vs. TheWorldPerhaps one of thestrangest consequences of the '94Republican sweep w<strong>as</strong> the discoverythat Utah h<strong>as</strong> a fifth congressionalrepresentative. Hisname is Jim Hansen, thoughmany readers will remember him<strong>as</strong> Hoggle, the loveable buttreacherous troll creature whodiscovers friendship inLabyrinth. He w<strong>as</strong> unearthed inthe b<strong>as</strong>ement of the House ofRepresentatives by some congressionalfreshmen looking forthe mail room. Records show
that he h<strong>as</strong> consistently wonreelection over two decadesdespite the fad that House leadershipalways just <strong>as</strong>sumed thathe w<strong>as</strong> a really old page. Theyfelt obligated to give him a committee<strong>as</strong>signment l<strong>as</strong>t year, littlesuspecting that this would awakenthe dormant statesman andinitiate a flurry of tlumb bills.Foremost among these w<strong>as</strong>HB1745, a proposal to constrainUtah's contribution to theNational Wilderness PreservationSystem to 1.7 million acres anddefine "wilderness" <strong>as</strong> "mines,dams, condos and strip mallswith woodsy names." Co-sponsoredby Enid Waldholtz and%ired by Orrin "Scourge ofthe Biker Gangs" Hatch's SB884,this bill met with the immediateik of everyone who wished theyhad known they could voteagainst this guy, including RobertRedford, who attacked Hansen'splan in the pages of the Tribune.Hansen commissioned a studyon public support for wildernessfrom Utah State University, anagri-business college whose studieson wildemess support mightbe compared in ment and motivationto Tobacco Institute studieson nicotine addiction.Hansen's bill w<strong>as</strong> shot down, butthe veteran cave fish had developeda t<strong>as</strong>te for legislating bythis point a ~~d w<strong>as</strong>n't going to besilenced so quickly. He snuck hiswilderness bill onto an unrelatedbill <strong>as</strong> a committee attachment ina move even members of his ownparty admitted w<strong>as</strong> devious.Clinton h<strong>as</strong> tacitly agreed to vetoany permutations of HB1745 thathe catches sneaking around hisoffice, and there is some debate<strong>as</strong> to whether Hansen h<strong>as</strong> thesupport to override. That's thestory so far, and here are theodds on future developments.fine: 3-1 Turnout: Poor Grendelh<strong>as</strong> an accident; so mpy you all. . .Newt h<strong>as</strong> enough to worryabout without some witheredhick from southern Utah makingnational headlimes with his planto-pave the earth. Clinton willveto anything Hansen sneaks hiswilderness designations on to,and congressional Republicansaren't going to stick their necksout for someone they were sendingfor donuts l<strong>as</strong>t year. Anoverride won't even be attempt-'
- Page 3: -CRYSTAL POWELLGlANNl ELLEFSENammQa
- Page 6 and 7: Hackin' Up The HitsYeah, I know: v
- Page 8: f . . ..2.. -. ,'The.Bar & Grill is
- Page 12 and 13: I ' "'The Hut-.',. y-.-.. 5 "1-us t
- Page 14 and 15: Well, for the second year in arow,
- Page 18 and 19: 1 Tha Crnsr hlanagarieby Jeb Branin
- Page 20 and 21: m CDILP OUT IN FEB: Send $9 check.
- Page 22 and 23: that barely made it for '95 release
- Page 24 and 25: Pijamas De GatoThe Hitchhiking Part
- Page 26 and 27: then remarked, "I can't read this w
- Page 28 and 29: Police reports indicated Kurt has t
- Page 30 and 31: BloodletEclecticVictory RecordsI sa
- Page 32: . isong addresses the questionany "
- Page 35 and 36: ' . 1' I~&de~s,+t> - . ..pes terg *
- Page 37 and 38: LADIESNIGHTNOCOMRFORTHE WE8
- Page 39 and 40: ILive Music-,v-Sunday Monday Tuesda
- Page 41 and 42: FLUFIHE CL4SSIC YEARS CD,LP,CASTHE
- Page 43 and 44: 1Ie Threat I'The Counter Culture Co
- Page 45 and 46: A IIARBby John Forgach -en rule" in
- Page 47: Tooth & Nail Records-' DEBUT ALBUM
Change language