The Scars of the Erasure_web

Erasure_4a 10.1.11 20:29 Page 156156 THE SCARS OF THE ERASURES: But you had pains before that.M: I had pains before that. In my stomach…A: Was it the stomach or the intestine?M: No, it was between the intestine and the vagina. It was 5 cm thick and theycut it out. I have a five cm deep and wide wound that is still healing. Pus stillcomes out. This can lead to blood poisoning and you can die. I lost 16 kilos atthat time.A: 16 kilos?M: I carried more weight before. Well, I’ve been better lately, since I got statusand had that surgery.S: It’s ok now.M: Yep.A: And what would have happened if you hadn’t had that surgery?M: Well…A: You’d have died.M: I’d have died and nobody would know why [...] At that time I had no appetite,I couldn’t stand the smell of food. That affected all my organs. From head to toe.The whole body suffered because of that. [...]S: And anemia as well.M: Yes, but the fistula caused anemia, which I learnt only later. At that time theyonly said that I was anemic and that I had to take vitamins – but how could Ieat if I had no appetite because of the fistula. I could see that I had an ulcer, butI thought it was nothing serious. Then when the doctor said that I needed surgeryimmediately, I felt terrible. I spent one month in hospital. Now I have to havechecks once a fortnight, an examination, because they are afraid of complications.It may return [...]S: You’re lucky that you had no problems in pregnancy.M: I had problems. I vomited all the time, fainted, but I thought it was becauseof pregnancy. Even before I got pregnant I used to faint. I thought it was becauseof anemia. So I ate and vomited, ate and vomited. And I don’t know how theyfailed to notice anything in the maternity ward. It was terrible. [...] And I haveother health problems too. I got asthma and I still have it. All of it is a consequenceof nervousness, tension. No person who was not erased can understand that, onlywe who were erased, know how it is. [...]A: You think that the fistula was a consequence of nervousness …M: Yeah, I think it is. The cause of this nervousness was the erasure. It had tofind a way to get out, didn’t it? (Jana S., 30)