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healing & FORGIVENESSHealing fromAbuseFootsteps of Freedom,Love and Peaceby Brian Kimmelphoto by Juan Carlos del RioOOn the day of his sentencing, my former stepfather said to me infront of the judge, my family and his, “I never did anything to hurtyou, and I’m sorry you felt I did. I loved you like a son.”Although it may have seemed empathetic to my personalfeelings of hurt and betrayal, it was not an apology and he hadnot admitted he had sexually abused me. The judge sentenced himthat day for seventeen years on two counts of child rape in the firstdegree. I was twelve years old; his sentence “in the first degree”meant that I was under the age of ten when the acts occurred,and that he did have the intent to harm. Still, I was convinced heloved me. I was convinced that something in him knew that heloved me.Despite my insights into love, it took me many years to healand to find freedom from the effects of the abuse. I was introducedto mindfulness practice when I was sixteen years old. I rememberthe first time I tried sitting meditation, under an old cherry tree inmy dad’s front yard. There was a passage in Thay’s book, BeingPeace, that read something like: “If you don’t have a Sangha topractice with, practice with a rock, a flower, or a tree.” And that’swhat I did. I went outside, bowed to the tree, and sat on the grassas if it were a cushion. I closed my eyes, and for an instant felt atpeace.That one time of feeling at peace was enough to motivateme to continue to practice. Even though I continued to sufferwith the effects of the abuse, experiencing anger, depression,anxiety, thoughts of committing suicide, and other symptoms ofpost-traumatic stress, the more I practiced, the more confident Ibecame in the refuge the practice offered me.I tried so many different methods to deal with my anger andother challenging emotions. I tried beating pillows, screaming,running, and throwing fits. Each time I acted out my feelingsin those ways I felt angrier and more out of control. So I beganThay’s method of sitting and walking with my anger, and I madethe practice my own.When I’d feel angry I’d stop, breathe, and sense the feeling inthe center of my body, or wherever the feeling expressed itself. Iexperienced the emotion deeply, feeling it on many levels throughmy senses, and through a deeper, intuitive awareness. I’d sit withmy feeling as if to hold it in my arms like a crying babe or I’dwalk with the feeling as if walking quietly and peacefully witha good friend. I knew the feeling was hurting, and as long as itwas hurting a part of me would hurt. Every time I felt anger orwhatever the feeling was, if I acted it out through bodily actions,through my words and through my thoughts, I made that feelinggrow, I made my suffering grow.Sometimes anger, like people, says things, does things, orthinks things it doesn’t really mean. Sometimes anger, like people,does things, says things, or thinks things from its own hurt. I knowmy anger was hurting and as I became aware of how much myanger was hurting, based on how much I was hurting, I started tolisten, to really listen.the Mindfulness Bell 29