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FORGIVENESSHealing theBy Ann MooreIIn a New Year’s Eve Dharma sharing session at Blue Cliff Monastery,Sister Anh Nghiem invited us to write on the phrases: “Ithad been,” “But then,” and “I realize.”In response to her invitation I offer the following story inthree chapters:Chapter 1: It Had BeenIt was the last straw when Caroline walked into my writers’group. My dislike for Caroline was a long-standing, pureprejudice, our acquaintance limited to her occasional inquiryabout my mother. As she was closer to my mother’s age thanmine, I judged her insincere; if she really cared, she would askmy mother. Also I identified her as one of the elite with whom Ifeel uncomfortable.My mother died in October of 2006. Returning from Mexicothe following April, Caroline said consolingly: “You must missyour mother dreadfully,” leaving me speechless, as I did not.Caroline had returned interested in prison ministry, and had beengiven my name to contact. Soon we were carpooling to my twoprison ministries.One day she told me she would be away the third weekend inOctober. “So will I,” I said. “Where will you be?” We were bothgoing to the same retreat. We began driving together to my twoSanghas. When she headed back to Mexico, I breathed a hugesigh of relief.And now she was in my newfound writers’ group. Tuesdaywas my early morning Sangha; Monday night I slept under a blackcloud. I woke upset by my lack of either Buddhist or Christiancompassion, hopeful that Sangha wisdom would help.Chapter 2: But ThenPast in thePresentI remembered reading about my dilemma, but where? MiraculouslyI found the passage in The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching:“When one person comes up to us, the sight of him makes usuncomfortable. But when someone else walks by we like her rightaway. Something in each of them touches a seed in us. If we loveour mother deeply, but feel tense every time we think of our father,it is natural that when we see a lady who looks like our mother,we will appreciate her, and when we see a man who evokes thememory of our father, we will feel uncomfortable.”I had known that irrational aversion was triggered by unresolvedchildhood conflict, but I had been the apple of my mother’seye and felt only love for my father. I considered my mother forcomparison:1) My earliest associations with Caroline were inquiriesabout Mom.2) I had assumed a friendship of sorts between them.3) There was the awkward allusion to my loss, which I nowrecognize as the sort of dead-end assumption for which Momwas notorious.4) Caroline was invading my space; I had adolescent boundaryissues with Mom.5) Caroline was making demands on my time; I had beenMom’s sole caregiver.The match was unmistakable. Within minutes the black clouddispersed and Caroline became simply Caroline, a person of mutualinterests, no longer a threat to my identity.Chapter 3: I RealizeI realize now, yes, I was tense whenever I thought of Mom.Her love was so vast, so suffocating, that I could not return it inkind. For that I had always felt guilt, while remaining mentallyloyal, denying negative feelings as best I could. I now saw clearlythat I had projected those feelings onto Caroline.My mother had idolized her mother, who had been instrumentalin driving away my father, whom Mom also idolized. I nowsaw that Mom had been so judgmental because she had projectedunacknowledged, unacceptable family flaws onto others, a traitwhich I was continuing. With that realization I felt only compassionfor the mother I had long found difficult. And I now understoodwhat it meant to heal the past in the present.Ann G. Moore, Skillful Acceptance of the Heart, lives inStonington, Connecticut and practices with Clear HeartSangha in Matunuck, Rhode Island, as well as the New LondonCommunity of Mindfulness in New London, Connecticut.34 Autumn 2009