April 2, 2012wingspan.lccc.wy.edu<strong>Wingspan</strong> 21
22<strong>Wingspan</strong>a&eApril 2, 2012wingspan.lccc.wy.eduRooney’s Reviews‘John Carter’ crash lands onto its facea&e editorMatt RooneyEdgar RiceBurroughs wasan author who ismost famous today forhis “Tarzan” novels.They were simpletales of a forestdwellingape man andhis love, Jane. But healso wrote one seriesof books that has beenquite influential onthe sci-fi realm: theJohn Carter series.However, outsidethat world, John Carterhas not had the immortalityof Tarzan. Ihaven’t the slightestidea why, but the firstmovie adaptation ofthe book is a goodindication.“John Carter” isabout a Civil War-eracavalry man whowas on the hunt fora cave of gold. Whilein an attempt toescape capture frommatt’smoviessome other soldiers,Carter encountered abeing of Mars, killedhim and was thentransported to theRed Planet. There hediscovered he couldjump very high andpossessed increasedstrength and agility.He was then sweptup into a civil warbetween two groups ofpeople defined not bycharacteristics, but bycolors: red and blue.First, let’s start withthe good, as that willbe much faster. Themovie looked fantastic.Disney spent areported $250 millionon this film, and itshowed. The aliensknown as Tharks wererichly detailed as wellas the cities (one ofwhich was moving)and other-worldlyitems.The 3D wasn’t alwaysgreat given Mar’sbarren landscape,but it also succeededwhere it should duringaction sequences andso forth. But, alas, thatwas the movie’s onlysaving grace.There were notone but several majorproblems I had withthis movie, but I willstart with the biggest:the actor playing JohnCarter himself, TaylorKitsch (“Battleship,”“Friday Night Lights”).Kitsch had the starpowerand charm ofa fishbowl in “JohnCarter.”There was nohumor, grace, depth orpassion in his performance.He floppedthrough his lines,giving them a constantsense of arrogance andbrashness that madethe lead appear like anunlikable airhead.Never once did Iroot for the hero asI should; I more socringed whenever heopened his mouth.Courtesy of DisneyYou damn, dirty apes!:Carter, Taylor Kitsch, fights off Martian apes in the arena.Are you looking for something more?Inspiration Fellowship—the new nondenominational church in town!Saturday services in the LCCC Science Center, Room 1215:30 p.m.—Fellowshipsnacks and beverages6 p.m.—Worship servicewww.inspirationfellowship.com 307-426-4938And never once did heshow the slightest bit ofsurprise being on Marsother than the occasional,“Where the hellam I?” It was especiallyastounding given themovie took place in1881.On top of that, themovie’s script had justway too much goingon. At the beginningof the film, we wereintroduced to Marsas a feuding planet.Then some God-likebeings came down andgave a fishnet-lookingweapon to the film’svillain.The plot also involvedan unwanted wedding,Carter’s past, somethingcalled the ninthRay, an alien and hissupposed daughter,the God-like beingsand their plot, Carter’sreturning home, allwrapped up in the redgroup’s taking over ofMars.With this mess, mybiggest issue was for allthese plots, there wasno other reason forthem besides “because.”Why were theyfighting over Mars?Because of resources?Because of water? Soan evil oil baron couldtake over Muppetstudios? Nope.It’s just because,hey, it was Mars. Thatpretty much summedup everything. The leadheroine Dejah (LynnCollins) didn’t want tomarry the villain as asign of peace because,well, he was mean, andthe ninth Ray mustremain a mystery becauseit was just really,really powerful.I could go on, but Iwon’t because clearlyreasons didn’t matter.For a while now,Disney has been tryingto replace the “Piratesof the Caribbean”movies as its bigfranchise. It has sincefailed with movies like“Tron: Legacy,” “Princeof Persia” and, now,“John Carter,” as it alsodisappointed at the boxoffice.And I know why.Within the last year, Iremember reading anarticle in which certainDisney executive saidhe had no interest inmaking “good movies,”only a profit. Thatmeant scripts havebeen woefully underdevelopedwith dullcharacters like “JohnCarter” and “Tron.” Aslong as they can deliverin spectacle, it’s fine.It’s an insult to theaudience and explainswhy all its recentendeavors (outside of“Alice in Wonderland”)have disappointed.Hell, if even your heroand villain have noconflict or interactionwith each other, otherthan the fact that oneis, indeed, a hero andone is a villain, thenyou have a problem.D+Director:AndrewStantonActors:Taylor KitschWillem DafoeLynn CollinsMark StrongEat. Party. Shop.Tastefully Simple ® offers a wide variety ofdelicious, easy-to-prepare foods that youand your friends can taste before you buy.Contact me for more information.Susann RobbinsEmail: suerobb84@gmail.comwww.tastefullysimple.com/web/srobbins1© 2010 Tastefully Simple, Inc.
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