BeatRoute Magazine B.C. print e-edition - March 2016

THE VIDIOT
irreverently reporting on whats new on store shelves
by Shane Sellar
Brooklyn
The reason why the Irish settled in Brooklyn was
due to Manhattan’s strict public intoxication laws.
Surprisingly, the cailín in this romantic
movie is a wee bit of a teetotaler.
Sponsored by her family’s former priest (Jim
Broadbent), Eilis (Saoirse Ronan) is able to
leave Ireland behind and settle in Brooklyn,
where she subsequently works in a shop.
At a dance she meets - and later marries - Tony
(Emory Cohen). But when she returns home for a
funeral, she keeps her nuptials a secret so she can
flirt with an eligible Irishman (Domhnall Gleeson).
Complete with authentic Irish and annoying
Brooklyn accents, this complex yet cottony
coming-of-age love story is a sincere snapshot
of 1950s New York, while Ronan simply
embodies the naivety as well as the mixed
emotions of becoming an American.
Moreover, it reminds us that not all immigrants are
terrorists; they’re also letting in two-timing hussies.
The Good Dinosaur
If an asteroid hadn’t wiped out the dinosaurs
then the Flintstones would
have been the first reality TV show.
Instead, this family movie reimagines that
non-extinction scenario as a cartoon.
After losing his father (Jeffrey Wright), a naïve dinosaur
named Arlo (Raymond Ochoa) is separated
from his mother (Frances McDormand) during
a flood and forced to find his way back home.
En route, Arlo befriends a laconic cave boy
he names Spot, and receives guidance from
an array of prehistoric predators (Sam Elliott,
Anna Paquin, Steve Zahn) who may or may
not want to eat the travelling companions.
With unconventional character designs,
mature themes involving loss and scary
scenes of animal-on-animal violence, The
Good Dinosaur is a definite departure from
Pixar’s predictably upbeat output.
Unfortunately, none of these new elements
help make this black sheep a classic.
On the bright side, if dinosaurs had survived
we’d all be wearing Velociraptor leather coats.
Trumbo
One telltale sign a screenwriter is a communist
is they name every male lead character Sergei.
Wisely, the sympathizer in this drama
used American names in his scripts.
Accused of imbedding anti-American rhetoric
into his scripts, gossip columnist Hedda Hopper
(Helen Mirren) and actor John Wayne (David
James Elliott) see that card-carrying communist
Dalton Trumbo (Bryan Cranston) is imprisoned.
Blacklisted, he must sell his post-prison scripts to
schlock producer Frank King (John Goodman) under
pseudonyms, until Kirk Douglas (Dean O’Gorman)
petitions to get him credit for Spartacus.
Meanwhile, his family (Diane Lane, Elle Fanning)
suffers at the hands of his daunting schedule.
While the casting of the real-life actors portrayed
in this biography is questionable, this
quirky account of Hollywood’s red witch-hunt,
and its most outspoken victim, is a fascinating
and frightening account of historical hysteria.
Scarier still, back then you had to write movie
dialogue without using the F-word.
Steve Jobs
If it weren’t for Steve Jobs, men would
have to hand-deliver their dick pics.
Erroneously, this drama explores his
lesser contributions to society.
Apple Inc. co-founder Steve Jobs (Michael
Fassbender) is confronted by his ex and her
daughter, whom she claims is his, moments
before he’s set to reveal a new product before
his CEO (Jeff Daniels), investors and the media.
While he denies paternity, he eventually forms
a friendship with her that follows him to his
next company. Meanwhile, her mother and his
friends and colleagues (Kate Winslet, Seth Rogen)
start to resent his hubris and inhumanity.
With snappy yet highly improbable dialogue
supplied by Aaron Sorkin and kinetic clips
combined with static stage shots from director
Danny Boyle, this academic adaptation
of the Apple mastermind’s memoir is laborious,
pretentious, and melodramatic.
Besides, Steve Jobs isn’t dead… Apple is just
waiting to unveil their latest version of him.
Crimson Peak
To really make it as a female novelist
in the 19th century, one had to adopt
a pen name ending in Brontë.
Instead, the fledgling author in this thriller
accepts the surname of a baronet.
Following her father’s funeral, horror-fiction fan
Edith (Mia Wasikowska) weds a British industrialist
(Tom Hiddleston) who transports her across the
pond to his Gothic estate, where he works and
resides alongside his sister (Jessica Chastain).
But buried beneath the red clay of the country
manor are restless spirits that haunt
Edith, warning her of her hosts’ iniquity.
From director Guillermo del Toro and featuring a
bevy of sinister performances, Crimson Peak is a
stunningly shot Victorian ghost story with atmospheric
set design and a palpable sense of dread.
All of which help to elevate it past the gratuitous
gross-out of standard horror schlock.
However, lesser minds are going to assume that
everyone at Crimson Peak is menstruating.
Spotlight
The Catholic Church opposes abortion because
they need more children to molest.
Fortunately, the journalists in this drama
are putting a stop to the latter.
When Marty Baron (Liev Schreiber), the new editor
of the Boston Globe’s investigative department,
gets wind of a lawyer’s (Stanley Tucci) claim that
the Archbishop hid allegations of sexual abuse, he
directs his team (Michael Keaton, Mark Ruffalo,
Rachel McAdams) to focus solely on this story.
Their findings unearth dozens of victims still waiting
for justice, an archdiocese simply relocating
the accused, and negligence on the paper’s part
for not publishing tips it had received years prior.
The unfortunate true story that shook Boston
to its core in 2002, Spotlight’s ensemble
cast shines as a beacon of excellence
equal to the journalists they portray, while
the script is detailed but not exploitive.
However, the Catholic Church exacted
its revenge when the Internet destroyed
newspaper subscriptions.
Spectre
With his parentless upbringing, eccentric
enemies and endless gadgets, it’s obvious
that James Bond is really Batman.
And while Gotham City is not on Bond’s itinerary
in this action movie, he does travel extensively.
While Agent 007 (Daniel Craig) goes about
exposing a clandestine criminal empire run by a
ghost from his past, Blofeld (Christoph Waltz),
his boss M (Ralph Fiennes) tries to keep MI5 from
shutting down the Double O program in favour
of a worldwide intelligence gathering initiative.
With help from a Quantum scientist’s
daughter (Léa Seydoux), Bond ascertains
that the two may just be connected.
The 24th instalment in the British spy franchise,
Spectre certainly serves up some ambitious
action sequences and unexpected surprises.
However, those revelations are more
inane than intriguing, while the main
villain is just feeble in general.
Moreover, doesn’t Spectre realize that the only
way to thwart James Bond is with an STI?
The Last Witch Hunter
The best way for a witch hunter to attract their
prey is to saturate themselves in warlock urine.
Fortunately, the huntsman in this fantasy has
other methods of detection at his disposal.
Seconds before she is slain, the White Witch
curses the witch hunter Kaulder (Vin Diesel)
with life ever after. While he survives the posthumous
pandemic that she unleashes on the
Middle Ages, his wife and child are not so lucky.
Eight centuries later, with help from
a pair of priests (Michael Caine, Elijah
Wood) and a dream-walker (Rose Leslie),
Kaulder continues to kill covens content
on resurrecting their ivory empress.
With its monotonous narrative, second-rate
special effects and daft dialogue delivered by
its disinterested and one-dimensional lead, Last
Witch Hunter trudges along the well-trodden path
of all the sorcery stories that have come before it.
Besides, there is nothing tackier than having a
stuffed witch’s head mounted on your wall.
Bridge of Spies
The biggest difference between American
and Russian spies is Americans won’t
trade military secrets for blue jeans.
Mind you, the only trading transpiring
in this drama is of a human nature.
Hired by the U.S. government to represent
accused KGB agent Rudolf Abel (Mark Rylance),
insurance lawyer James B. Donovan
(Tom Hanks) goes on to negotiate Abel’s
exchange with Russia for a downed U-2 pilot
(Jesse Plemons) and an American abroad.
On the home front, Donovan’s wife (Amy
Ryan) and family are unaware of the dangers
he faces on the wrong side of the Berlin Wall.
Scripted by the Coen Brothers, directed by
Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Hanks, Bridge
of Spies is award bait at its best. But, when
balanced with the real-life intrigue of Cold War
diplomacies, it’s also those artists’ finest hour.
Furthermore, for a successful Cold War negotiation,
be sure to bring some McDonald’s with you.
He’s a Portobello Mushroom Cloud. He’s the… Vidiot
Brooklyn
The Good Dinosaur
Crimson Peak
Spotlight
The Last Witch Hunger
Bridge of Spies
26 MARCH 2016 •
Film