2015 EDITION Vol.3 Issue 11 DIGITAL

Letters
Dear Aunt Silvia
Dear Aunt Silvia
My name is Mphatso; I am a mother of three kids (one boy
and two girls). I must say, I am grateful to God for my healthy
children. However, I often worry about bringing them up in
a good way. It is sometimes difficult to know whether I am
giving them the best upbringing, which will help them in the
future. For me, I want them to grow up knowing that life is
what you make it. I want my kids to take responsibilities for
their future. Sometimes, I feel I am too strict on them. My
husband is just the opposite of me. He never worries himself
much about the upbringing of the kids. Not that he does not
love them, but he thinks I worry too much.
Please advise me Aunt Silvia, on what to do. I love my kids
and I want the best for them, but at the same time, I do not
want to appear too strict or overprotective.
Mphatso, Lilongwe (Malawi)
Dear Mphatso,
First of all, congratulations on your wonderful kids. I fully
understand your concerns as a mother. Perhaps you worry
too much as your husband would think, but at the same time,
you have a legitimate reason to worry about.
Have you ever heard of the proverb: “When children are little,
give them roots; when they grow up give them wings”? This
Red-Indian proverb might sound a bit confusing to many, but
it has a lot of sense. This refers to the roots of responsibility
and the wings of independence. Children need both in order
to cope later in life. But come to think about it, wings to fly?
What if they fly away? No, they would not! The meaning of
the proverb is that when children are properly trained in their
infancy, they would be wise enough to know what to do –
even if they are given all the freedom - when they grow up.
Like birds, they might “fly”to a strange place, but because they
know / have what it takes (roots), they still (know how to)
come back home.
Coming back to your worries, Mphatso, I think you should
apply a combination of strict and relaxed upbringing, with
the importance of social expectations and norms central. Of
course raising up a child is not what a parent should do alone,
if necessary. A child deserves the attention of both mother
and father. More than that, the parents must speak / act as a
team, Once there is a crack in the communication or decision
making, children can capitalize on it for their interest. Even
though, your husband might have a different approach to the
upbringing of your children, try to discuss your “differences”
alone before you present a common strategy in the presence
of the children. Once the kids notice the opinion differences
between mum and dad, they might think one of you does not
have their interests at heart. This can be divisive. It must be
avoided.
Try as much as possible to show your children you have full
confidence in them and their ability to make right decisions.
Set a standard or norm for them. When they go wrong,
reprimand them, but show them you do not doubt their ability
to achieve the set goal, nevertheless. Show a genuine interest
in their activities and discuss them often with the children.
More than that, be open and free to them without sacrificing
your position as a parent. No matter how free or open you
want to be to your children, there must be that hierarchy and
respect, otherwise you might be turning the relationship into
a mere friendship without fear and respect.
When children are little, give them
roots; when they grow up give them
wings”
The first “test” whether your “teaching” is working may be
judged by the kind of friends your children have. It is very
important you do not choose friends for your children. Based
on the norms (roots) you have set for/given them, they should
be able to choose the right friends that have the same goals
and value in life like them. You can now judge from the kind
of friends they have chosen. Once they have been able to
make such a good choice, you should not worry much about
the freedom they might sometimes have in the future; they
sure will not abuse the freedom because they still remember
their “roots.” They will most likely come back “home.” On
the other hand, if they made a wrong choice, you know that
something was wrong with your “roots.” In that case, go back
to the drawing room and make amendments before it is too
late. Good Luck Mphatso!
Truly yours,
Aunt Silvia
Kata kata cartoon magazine
42