LSB February 2018_Web_LSSA

CITIZENSHIP 7 POEMS
THE BALLAD OF BARNABY JOYCE’
Barnaby Joyce MP
By S A McDonald
’Twas Barnaby from Tamworth, whom voters did affirm
Would represent New England for the twenty sixteen term
To keep his place in Parliament our Barnaby did defeat
The independent Tony Windsor, former holder of the seat
The election was a close one, with Turnbull re-elected
And Barnaby as Deputy was once again selected
But Barnaby’s opponent, that industrious Independent
Had no idea that Barnaby was a New Zealand descendant
Well Barnaby, he knew of course, his father had be proud
To migrate to Australia from the Land of the Long White Cloud
But what he hadn’t twigged to was that by this quirk of kinship
Our Deputy Prime Minister held dual citizenship
The citizenship crisis, first struck in mid July:
Two Members who had not renounced
and thought they must resign
These first two victims both were Greens;
their favourite sons and daughters
The two co-deputy leaders, Mr Ludlam and Ms Waters
Said Barnaby prophetically, when asked about the Greens:
“The Constitution’s clear I think; it’s certain what it means
“Ignorance is no excuse — the law is just the law
“You can’t be a dual citizen, under section 44.”
Matt Canavan, a National, and fellow Minister
Then seemed to be Italian, though hardly sinister
Then in August without warning, came the great catastrophe:
Our Barnaby got a tip-off, that he might just be a kiwi
Stephen Donaghue’s advice was sought,
it seemed to be a beauty
Barnaby could still perform his ministerial duty
Turnbull was emphatic, the S-G’s advice was bold:
“Barnaby’s qualified to sit, AND THE HIGH
COURT WILL SO HOLD!”
But when Barnaby stood in Parliament, and tried to use his voice
He heard from the opposition bench an unseemly baa-ing noise
But Barnaby our hero, he wasn’t finished yet
At a hearing before Kiefel, a Full Court date was set
And Barnaby in due course, was joined by several others:
Fiona Nash his deputy, and Xenophon, and Roberts
Barnaby engaged a team of lawyers led by Walker
An advocate supposed to be the High Court’s greatest talker
Written subs were filed, by which a pretty good attempt
Was made to tell the High Court, that Barnaby was exempt.
The argument, shortly stated? If a person never knew
They had two nationalities, no split allegiance could accrue
But when the hearing date arrived, our hero was shocked to see
Represented at the bar table, his great adversary
That’s right, old Tony Windsor had
convinced the Court he’d reason
To appear as contradictor, represented by Justin Gleeson
Well, if ever there has been a match for Bret Walker SC
It’s that former Solicitor-General’s brand of brilliant adv’cacy
In time the arguments for Barnaby were skilfully encircled
(Followed by a history lesson, presented by Ron Merkel)
Both Donaghue and Walker, with silver tongue, replied
And generally it was agreed, “This isn’t cut and dried.”
“We know you want an answer, we’re afraid you’ll have to wait,”
The Court declared, “We’ll be back soon,
to tell you of your fate.”
And so it was in just two weeks, the Court did reconvene
Chief Justice Kiefel, Justice Bell, and Gag-e-ler and Keane
And Nettle, Gordon, Edelman; they were unanimous
Poor Barnaby disqualified: and yet magnanimous
Among the silver gums, and far away from lawsuits
Dressed in his Akubra hat and RM Williams boots
He called a presser urgently, and Barnaby surmised:
“I actually saw this coming; I’m not a bit surprised.”
To everybody’s puzzlement, Tony Windsor then announced
He’d not contest a by-election,
and since Barnaby’d now renounced
His new found nationality, he was eligible to run.
“In fact,” he thought, “With Windsor out,
this actually could be fun!”
He knew the odds of victory towards him strongly lent:
The two-party preferred margin was at 16.4 per cent!
Meanwhile in the Parliament, more chaos was ensuing
The President of the Senate, the very bloke who had been doing
The referrals to the High Court, made an astonishing admission:
He had known that he was British, but a senior politician
Had advised him not to mention it,
in the hope the Court would say
That being a dual-citizen was actually okay.
Vicious rumours circled, of Ecuadorians and Greeks
And three more British citizens emerged in coming weeks
John Alexander, a tennis player, who’d wondered all along
Why he felt at home at Wimbledon as much as Bennelong
The outspoken Jacquie Lambie,
who’s family history had been written
Now realised that her Network extended all the way to Britain
With a mother born in Singapore was Skye Kakoschke-Moore
All of these fell victim to the scourge of 44
And even as we gather here, to listen to this story
A question mark still hovers above another category:
Each MP with foreign ties which they had sought to sever
Whose renunciation of citizenship, despite their best endeavour
At the time of nomination, was sadly incomplete
But back to our protagonist, and the race to fill his seat
A motley field of candidates, in number seventeen
Nominated for this by-election, the greatest ever seen
Including if you can believe, this “name agnostic” smartie:
Meow-Ludo Disco Gamma Meow Meow for the Science Party
I’ll bet my hat the voters of New England make the choice
To keep this tale going: the adventures of Barnaby Joyce
The by-election will be held on the second of December
And so my friends, the ballad ends, because it’s still November.
26 THE BULLETIN February 2018