GCN__February_2018

While physical sexual health is prioritised and highlighted
in the LGBT+ community, emotional sexual health is often
left by the wayside. In a culture that’s increasingly defined
by technological advances, our relationships, or lack thereof,
are taking a queer turn, say therapists Sarah Gilligan
and Fi Connors. Illustration by Oliver Weiss.
We are all aware that the modernised world we inhabit is
fast-paced, hectic and massively dominated by technology.
Seismic changes in the way we communicate and interact
with each other (think Grindr, Facebook etc.) are having an
untold effect on how we deal with each other and how we have
relationships.
This is not breaking news, but something that’s gaining more
and more traction as the months pass. These days it is difficult
to speak about relationships and sex without recognising the
all-pervasive nature of technology in our daily lives.
For this article, I took the opportunity to Facetime with my
friend, Fi Connors, a natural medicine clinician, educator
and author of the emotional sexual health book, When Love
is A Drug, who currently resides stateside. We have an
appointment to discuss some of the recurring themes that
have emerged in our individual practices, in the areas of
emotional and sexual wellbeing – the real-time, real life effects
that we are both witnessing with our clients on a weekly basis.
And so, breaking news, the biggest commonality on both
sides of the pond? You guessed it. The rise of the challenge
of the relationship and of course the increasing challenge of
being single. The questions we hear our clients asking are
becoming ever more critical. Do I want to be single? Do I want
to be out there playing the field? Have I chosen to be single?
Or is too difficult to get into a relationship, and even when I
manage to, is it impossible to sustain?
Having difficulty in emotional relationships is never fun.
When we are out there struggling on our own, it makes it
almost impossible to make the vital changes needed to
succeed. How do we succeed in relationship, if we don’t even
know the parameters of emotional and sexual success?
Working in clinical practice, Fi and I are starting to see that it
is becoming extremely common that people are increasingly
unhappy with their lives, and in particular their primary
relationships.
A huge amount of pain is wrought from looking around social
media and thinking that everyone is extremely happy and
‘perfect’. This social comparison is causing a self-harming and
self-hurting behaviour that a lot of the time people can’t even
identify.
As opposed to feeling connected and free through the
use of social media, people are often becoming more
isolated, disillusioned and lost. There is a growing pernicious
unhappiness that is happening between comparison with
others and the curating of selves, our beloved ‘personalities’
on social media sites. Of course, this comparison is poisonous
for emotional balance, happiness and contentment.
THE RISE OF CHOICE
The next most difficult thing to contend with, in terms of the
rise of technology and its effect on our relationships, is choice.
We have choice at our fingertips 24/7, and we are paralysed
by it. We think, ‘why do we have to deal with our partners, like
their shitty humours, or the fact they are upset or the fact they
won’t have sex tonight? There are a hundred thousand people
that can give me what I need, so why would I bother doing the
hard work with this person?’ With so much choice in the ether,
people think that if they’re not happy, then the right action is to
move on immediately.
That’s what all the popular psychology gurus seem to be
saying, the Instagram mantras of ‘be your best self,’ ‘live your
best life’. The quick-snap solution is often to get rid of anything
perceived to be standing in the way of deserved ‘happiness’.
With the advent of apps like Tinder, Grindr and others,
access to people and sex is instantaneous and we have
commodified ourselves more dramatically than ever before.
We flip through catalogues of faces and bodies, seeking
attraction but not pausing to see how we actually feel.
We all want everything, and we want it now. There is little
concept of waiting or working through the deeper stuff; it’s all
instantaneous, instant gratification. Of course, this is a very
hollow, deep place to be digging ourselves into and the result
is that people increasingly lack the attention and patience to
stick around and nurture fledgling relationships.
There are many who may read this and say, ‘Sure I’m
grand. I’m delighted with life, ‘I’ve got the things I want, I’ve
got a boyfriend or girlfriend, or I‘ve got many. I can have sex
whenever I want; I have mates and we go out and have the lols.
Don’t be annoyin’ me with this emotional stuff.’
Then there are many that will read this and deep down will
know they are struggling with these exact issues.
If these themes sound familiar it is because they are. These
exact currents are endemic within the queer community, and
because “everyone else is doing it” means it is more likely to
be more and more difficult to get out of particular patterns of
behaviour.
g 37