GCN__February_2018

“
Gay men are increasingly
sexualising the feeling of wanting an
intimate, connected relationship.
THE CULTURE OF LOOKING GOOD
There are very obvious but rarely spoken about polarisations of
sexual behaviour in the lives of gay men and women that Fi and
I are seeing over and over in our practices. Gay and queer men
have polarised towards sex – sex with multiple partners, open
relationships, ‘fun’ superficiality, sex for sport.
On the outside, gay male culture is very good at making itself
look good. Gay men are fun, fast-paced and cultured; they’re on
hook-up apps, attending sex parties or in open relationships, while
also holding down great jobs, looking fantastic and having great
friendship circles. It really looks like gay men are getting away with
it so brilliantly.
What appears however are that gay men are increasingly
propping themselves up with darker behaviours and sexualising
the feeling of wanting an intimate, connected relationship. The
‘big-upping’ of being a hot, in-demand gay man can of course help
to counterbalance the shame of not reaching our relationship
wishes for yourself, but only in the very short-term.
Shame is an emotion that nobody chooses, or wants to feel.
The shame of not reaching our relationship wishes for ourselves is
usually what drives us into seeking help.
With gay and bisexual women, we see the opposite behaviour.
Women tend to seek deep underpinning emotions through
relationship intensity, dropping into deep emotional states with
partners very quickly. Often the sexual connection is secondary.
For gay women, emotional and sexual intimacy are two sides of
the same coin. If the sexual balance is overtaken by the emotional,
sex often leaves the relationship.
In either instance, too much or too little does not make for a
balance. Eating constantly off the table of what we want, versus
the table of what we need, eventually makes us unwell.
It’s really important clarify that sexual behaviour is absolutely
fantastic. But if we want truly meaningful connections, sex has
to have the underpinning of the emotions associated with what
is, in reality, going on. We all may want to have mind-blowing sex,
but sometimes we need to begin with something as simple and
intimate as the gentle touch of another’s hand.
WHAT DOES A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP LOOK LIKE?
Whatever way you look at relationships, they are hard work, but
the rewards of doing the work are extraordinary. When you stick
with something, work through it, and work it out, it connects to
directly to your self-esteem. On the other hand, if we just bail
every time it gets hard and jump onto our iPhones, onto porn sites,
or into new relationships, we will never get to experience true
intimacy with ourselves, let alone with another.
A happy relationship is what everyone is looking for, right? But
what does being happy in a relationship actually look like? Being
happy with something means you get to experience the whole kit
and caboodle, not just the parts that suit.
Deeper emotion is harder to access, and can be frightening to
engage with initially, but the rewards are so much greater. Take
seeking the feeling of joy, for example. Joy is an expression of
contentment, but the underpinning of that one elusive emotion is
a feeling of safety and security in the world where there is
constancy. Without feeling safe and secure, it is hard to get to an
experience of real joy. The deeper layers have to be in place; the
others don’t appear out of nowhere.
Laughing, Connors says that being your best self doesn’t always
mean you will be tripping down the road in Prada, going to the
best party in town with the hottest yoke on your arm, though it can
be that. Being your best self can also mean being curled up in the
fetal position, bawling your eyes out, snot running down your face.
It’s incredible how much the average person spends, both in
time and money, on a monthly basis, to look fantastic from the
skin out. It would do us all much better in the long run, to invest
some of that time and money on emotional and sexual health,
which will keep us fit long after our physical body starts to wear. A
gym that will build our self-connection and self-esteem.
There are lots of support and constructs around sexual health,
but up to now, not for sexual emotional health. In this rapidly
changing social environment, it’s time to open up a framework
where people can start to talk about, understand and develop
their sexual emotional connection. After all we’ve been through,
we know what the LGBT+ community deserves more than
anything is big love and healing. A big love that begins from the
inside out.
Sarah Gilligan MSc. MIAHIP, and Fi Connors MA, ISHOM will
be holding a day conference on sexual and emotional health in
Dublin, early 2018. Email: info@capablemindsppc.ie for details
Having Sex?
08 g
GONORRHOEA
HAVE YOU TESTED?
Gonorrhoea is a sexually transmitted infection(STI).
Always use condoms for anal and oral sex.
Don't share sex toys and always change condoms and gloves.
Get regular STI check-ups: blood test, urine sample,
throat & anal swab.
Pick up a leaflet or for information and
where to get free tests www.man2man.ie