GCN__February_2018

comm
—unity chest
mental health
OPINION:
Ray
O’Neill
Body Shame
“Don’t fix your life so that
you’re left alone when you
come to the middle of it,” is
a sage piece of advice given
by an older gay man to a
young woman in a film I
watched over Christmas. It’s
something we could all do
well to listen to.
In the midst of lazy Christmas downtime, watching films and
eating delicious food that cannot be good for you (carbs!),
came 1998’s The Object of My Affection. I hadn’t seen it in
a while and remembered it as pushing the Will and Grace
dynamic of gay guy and gal pal into a more honest, tender,
raw space. Now I’m in my mid-40s, my point of poignant
identification no longer came from the gay/gal dynamic, but
from the supporting role of ‘older gay man’ played by Nigel
Hawthorne, who in his singleness sagely advises Jennifer
Aniston’s character: “Don’t fix your life so that you’re left alone
right when you come to the middle of it.”
We make New Year’s resolutions at the beginning of the year,
but they always come from the middle of our lives’ experience.
And so, I proffer this same sage advise to myself and others
that in this year, you don’t fix things so that you’re left alone.
This ‘not being left alone’ isn’t ever merely about dating or
“
All of us have skills, talents, time,
space and money that can be shared,
given, circulated. But how many of
us actually share them?
relationship (it is more often the coupled ones who realise just
how left alone they have chosen to be, though this is never
really spoken about.) This is about making choices, indeed
fixing things for your life that bring you genuine experiences
and expressions of company, companionship and community.
We can often be deceived into confusing having lots of people
around with not being ‘lonely’ or ‘alone’. There are lots of places
and spaces hiding us from loneliness, but badly.
Most people ‘couple’ as a way of staving off fears of
loneliness, and ‘fix’ their lives this way, becoming either
dependant on the idea of the ‘couple’ to hide in, or the
performance of the ‘couple’ to hide from. One only has to
look at the numbers of ‘married’ and ‘partnered’ folk online
still seeking something they aren’t getting at home. But there
are few apps and websites fostering community, fellowship.
Instead, they drive people to consume, to be consumed by
their consumption, be it alcohol, drugs, sex, products, things.
So, to all of us, myself included, I ask what, in 2018, are we
going to do that reinforces those experiences and expressions
of company, companionship, community. Who are we going to
reach out to, and who are we going to let reach us?
Resolutions have become such a cliché. Stop listing
things you are going to lose or gain and instead choose one
opportunity to bring into your life that allows a real experience
and expression of company, companionship, or community.
Something that involves time and space, dates, taking a
stand, a commitment, an engagement, vowing, duty, all those
‘coupley’ words that don’t only belong to couples, but to any
individual who genuinely commits to anything and anyone in
life. In doing this, we already move from resolution to revolution.
All of us have skills, talents, time, space and money that
can be shared, given, circulated. But how many of us actually
share them? I applaud anyone that wants to lose some weight,
or get fitter, or quit smoking, or cease using porn, especially
if they are doing such things for themselves. But when we
do things for others, for community, for groups, then our
resolve is different because we have others’ support, needs,
responsibilities.
I took so much pride in GCN’s ‘New Year, New You’ piece last
month because it was a personal call to get involved, and as
within all social altruism, there is a personal gain. We are less
alone when we fix things to share some of our lives, energy,
time with others.
As the LGBT+ scene moves from pubs to Apps and our
culture becomes more and more assimilated and flat, the
need to gather, to join, to have pride and take part is lessened.
With marriage equality and an ‘out’ Taoiseach we are told we
have it all, but who is telling us this, and why?
So, in the reflections that can often be part of a more sober,
and definitely thriftier start to the year, instead of listing
resolutions, perhaps some of us can resolve to make a change,
a real change, one that engages others, that builds community.
My nerdiest highlight over Christmas obviously had to be
the new Star Wars film, during which, in the midst of all the
CGI drama, one line of dialogue stood out: “We’re going to win
this war not by fighting what we hate, but saving what we love.”
Maybe the battle for LGBT+ equality is over and we no longer
have to fight, but the war continues and now, in the middle of
it, more than ever we have to save something of and for our
selves – we have to love.
The need for community, camaraderie remains and
continues. Don’t leave such things alone. The revolution should
keep turning. Long live the revolution!