Chimes: 2018 Edition (emended Blazevox book pdf)

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#40 A kind of madness would not let me focus only on N. There were other parties and other girls: always the same wave, frisson, feeling of two-in-one. It would take many years to learn that this wave, powerful as it was, was short-lived. But contact with the feeling of this wave had so much of bliss in it that I sought it out at every opportunity, and grew petulant when forced to live without it. It only seemed to work on girls that were beautiful; otherwise I felt nothing. Lack of control was desirable but led me into non-continuity. What echoes of Tookany Creek were in this feeling created a hunger that was not to be assuaged; unlike music and words, this wave could not be relied upon, and the focus I felt for music and words was dissipated here. It was my misfortune to learn that continuance, as applied to art, could actively detract from continuance in other situations and on other levels. 46
#41 That year, N wrote a long letter in my year<strong>book</strong>, that ended with I love you. I could sense, even then, that this I love you came from a much different place than other kids’ effusions; this was a bittersweet testimony, not to placid or innocent attachment, but to strife, hardship, misunderstanding, piercing ecstasies and equally piercing sorrows. It was from an artist to an artist; it bore the stamp of aesthetic appreciation. N had reached down into the depths of her soul and her words had the weight of big breakers. I felt them land on me even as I tried to avert them. Yet, outwardly, we still wrestled; attaching, detaching, attaching again. What we wanted was freshness all the time, and each seemingly permanent detachment made coming together again more piquant. It was the friction of hard sex prolonged over time; we were more perverse and more subtle than we knew. 47
Page 1 and 2: CHIMES Adam Fieled BlazeVOX [books]
Page 3 and 4: B X
Page 5: CHIMES
Page 8 and 9: #2 An iron on my feet was a big bur
Page 10 and 11: #4 Father, my father, was there and
Page 12 and 13: #6 We had to go to an ugly place to
Page 14 and 15: #8 I brooded through summers of pla
Page 16 and 17: #10 I was in the bathtub and I said
Page 18 and 19: #12 There was decay so that my Mom
Page 20 and 21: #14 Suddenly there was a school tha
Page 22 and 23: #16 I fell in love with one who sym
Page 24 and 25: #18 We were moving. This was to be
Page 26 and 27: #20 Things shifted. I went from coo
Page 28 and 29: #22 Now I had a sister who was half
Page 30 and 31: #24 A new school year was a new way
Page 32 and 33: #26 Through music, words emerged in
Page 34 and 35: #28 Images were entering my mind an
Page 36 and 37: #30 I was in a train riding to Maho
Page 38 and 39: #32 I often remembered kindergarten
Page 40 and 41: #34 I got a high from theater and f
Page 42 and 43: #36 Cheltenham was a creepy town in
Page 44 and 45: #38 Words about music were another
Page 48 and 49: #42 N and I found ourselves involve
Page 50 and 51: #44 There was Ted and I and even th
Page 52 and 53: #46 There was no reason for me to b
Page 54 and 55: #48 We had gone, briefly, to Disney
Page 56 and 57: #50 One night, Dad came into my roo
Page 58 and 59: #52 Now all pretences of normalcy a
Page 60 and 61: #54 A sense of things not being rig
Page 62 and 63: #56 Dad had a brother who was not s
Page 64 and 65: #58 It was around the time of Dad

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