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Covey - The 7 habits of highly effective people

Part One Paradigms and

Part One Paradigms and Principles INSIDE OUT There is no real excellence in all this world which can be separated from right living -- David Starr Jordan * * * In more than 25 years of working with people in business, university, and marriage and family settings, I have come in contact with many individuals who have achieved an incredible degree of outward success, but have found themselves struggling with an inner hunger, a deep need for personal congruency and effectiveness and for healthy, growing relationships with other people. I suspect some of the problems they have shared with me may be familiar to you. I've set and met my career goals and I'm having tremendous professional success. But it's cost me my personal and family life. I don't know my wife and children anymore. I'm not even sure I know myself and what's really important to me. I've had to ask myself -- is it worth it? I've started a new diet -- for the fifth time this year. I know I'm overweight, and I really want to change. I read all the new information, I set goals, I get myself all psyched up with a positive mental attitude and tell myself I can do it. But I don't. After a few weeks, I fizzle. I just can't seem to keep a promise I make to myself. I've taken course after course on effective management training. I expect a lot out of my employees and I work hard to be friendly toward them and to treat them right. But I don't feel any loyalty from them. I think if I were home sick for a day, they'd spend most of their time gabbing at the water fountain. Why can't I train them to be independent and responsible -- or find employees who can be? My teenage son is rebellious and on drugs. No matter what I try, he won't listen to me. What can I do? There's so much to do. And there's never enough time. I feel pressured and hassled all day, every day, seven days a week. I've attended time management seminars and I've tried half a dozen different planning systems. They've helped some, but I still don't feel I'm living the happy, productive, peaceful life I want to live. I want to teach my children the value of work. But to get them to do anything, I have to supervise every move; and put up with complaining every step of the way. It's so much easier to do it myself. Why can't children do their work cheerfully and without being reminded? I'm busy -- really busy. But sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing will make a difference in the long run. I'd really like to think there was meaning in my life, that somehow things were different because I was here. I see my friends or relatives achieve some degree of success or receive some recognition, and I smile and congratulate them enthusiastically. But inside, I'm eating my heart out. Why do I feel this way? 5

I have a forceful personality. I know, in almost any interaction, I can control the outcome. Most of the time, I can even do it by influencing others to come up with the solution I want. I think through each situation and I really feel the ideas I come up with are usually the best for everyone. But I feel uneasy. I always wonder what other people really think of me and my ideas. My marriage has gone flat. We don't fight or anything; we just don't love each other anymore. We've gone to counseling; we've tried a number of things, but we just can't seem to rekindle the feeling we used to have. These are deep problems, painful problems -- problems that quick fix approaches can't solve. A few years ago, my wife Sandra and I were struggling with this kind of concern. One of our sons was having a very difficult time in school. He was doing poorly academically; he didn't even know how to follow the instructions on the tests, let alone do well in them. Socially he was immature, often embarrassing those closest to him. Athletically, he was small, skinny, and uncoordinated -- swinging his baseball bat, for example, almost before the ball was even pitched. Others would laugh at him. Sandra and I were consumed with a desire to help him. We felt that if "success" were important in any area of life, it was supremely important in our role as parents. So we worked on our attitudes and behavior toward him and we tried to work on his. We attempted to psyche him up using positive mental attitude techniques. "Come on, son! You can do it! We know you can. Put your hands a little higher on the bat and keep your eye on the ball. Don't swing till it gets close to you." And if he did a little better, we would go to great lengths to reinforce him. "That's good, son, keep it up." When others laughed, we reprimanded them. "Leave him alone. Get off his back. He's just learning." And our son would cry and insist that he'd never be any good and that he didn't like baseball anyway. Nothing we did seemed to help, and we were really worried. We could see the effect this was having on his self-esteem. We tried to be encouraging and helpful and positive, but after repeated failure, we finally drew back and tried to look at the situation on a different level. At this time in my professional role I was involved in leadership development work with various clients throughout the country. In that capacity I was preparing bimonthly programs on the subject of communication and perception for IBM's Executive Development Program participants. As I researched and prepared these presentations, I became particularly interested in how perceptions are formed, how they behave. This led me to a study of expectancy theory and self-fulfilling prophecies or the "Pygmalion effect," and to a realization of how deeply imbedded our perceptions are. It taught me that we must look at the lens through which we see the world, as well as at the world we see, and that the lens itself shapes how we interpret the world. As Sandra and I talked about the concepts I was teaching at IBM and about our own situation, we began to realize that what we were doing to help our son was not in harmony with the way we really saw him. When we honestly examined our deepest feelings, we realized that our perception was that he was basically inadequate, somehow "behind." No matter how much we worked on our attitude and behavior, our efforts were 6

  • Page 1 and 2: THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIV
  • Page 3 and 4: These principles, however, are like
  • Page 5: Stephen Covey adds great value to a
  • Page 9 and 10: This personality ethic, I began to
  • Page 11 and 12: long-term relationship they have, w
  • Page 13 and 14: The professor then asked one studen
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  • Page 17 and 18: Shortly after dark, the lookout on
  • Page 19 and 20: The more closely our maps or paradi
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  • Page 23 and 24: There's so much to do. And there's
  • Page 25 and 26: But from my own experience -- both
  • Page 27 and 28: interdependent, that there is an ec
  • Page 29 and 30: Understanding the sequence will hel
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  • Page 35 and 36: disappear. Those you teach will see
  • Page 37 and 38: "You're never on time." "Why can't
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  • Page 41 and 42: such personal freedom and the effec
  • Page 43 and 44: you to act. If you wait to be acted
  • Page 45 and 46: "Think hard. What do you think woul
  • Page 47 and 48: Because of position, wealth, role,
  • Page 49 and 50: So these executives focused on find
  • Page 51 and 52: We can decide to be dishonest in ou
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    Whether we are aware of it or not,

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    Because we already live with many s

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    Succeed at home first. Seek and mer

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    so-called mental and emotional illn

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    When we are dependent on the person

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    Innocent pleasures in moderation ca

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    Because the church is a formal orga

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    If you are Money Centered... SECURI

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    WISDOM You see the world through a

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    We can depend on them Principles do

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    POWER Your power is limited only by

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    Fourth, you can communicate to your

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    many different kinds of thought pro

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    We would try to get him in a very r

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    I inspire: I teach by example that

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    When we plan our family goals and a

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    "Everybody," he replied. "Everybody

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    Application Suggestions 1. Take the

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    Management, remember, is clearly di

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    with the bath water," reverting to

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    was to enforce the contract -- to c

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    There are many people who recognize

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    Coherence: Coherence suggests that

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    mission statement, you may want to

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    all day. Remember, frustration is a

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    it! -- Don't take it!" I was afraid

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    "You, Dad?" "No, not me. You're the

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    I bit my tongue and waited until af

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    Application Suggestions: 1. Identif

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    "Well, you'd like to take a screwdr

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    And this is in the most intimate, t

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    Our tendency is to project out of o

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    "I thought you meant that the quali

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    you are honest and open and kind wi

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    When we violate the primary laws of

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    deep personal affection which added

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    Habit 4: Think Win-Win TM -- Princi

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    "My parents don't love me as much a

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    I know of a divorce in which the hu

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    "In other words, you lost." "That's

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    worked to set up a Win-Win Agreemen

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    High courage and consideration are

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    communication process. You listen m

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    people be able to do when they fini

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    guidelines, and resources to make s

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    40. The spirit of win-win had signi

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    Roger Fisher and William Ury, two H

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    Habit 5: Seek First to Understand,

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    and influence, I don't feel safe en

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    You're listening to understand. You

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    Sandra described the symptoms and h

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    esults in communication. To many, s

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    "I know you've sacrificed, Dad. But

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    What a difference real understandin

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    I remember writing one time in a ro

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    trust of another person's communica

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    Habit 5 is something you can practi

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    Habit 6: Synergize TM Principles of

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    hit-or-miss, trial and error. And u

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    very open and authentic and simply

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    Synergy means that 1 + 1 may equal

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    arrange for some help at the first

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    "I know," he replied with a forced

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    He also developed charley horses fr

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    scheduled payments were met. It was

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    Application Suggestions 1. Think ab

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    "Sharpen the Saw" basically means e

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    If you haven't been exercising, you

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    This is why I believe a personal mi

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    centered on the principles of perso

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    diminishes us. It increases us beca

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    create negative force field resista

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    closer we align ourselves with corr

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    The children looked forward to the

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    Sandra and I were amazed at what we

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    Becoming a Transition Person Among

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    Again, T. S. Eliot expresses so bea

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    * * If your center is Pleasure... S

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    This is the way you may tend to per

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    Many third-generation time managers

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    Preparing the media budget. Regardi

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    produce interesting and creative wa

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