Siouxland Magazine - Volume 1 Issue 4

Just before Dad’s surgery to see if the tumor could be
removed, Jason and I were on vacation with his family. I
was standing on the beach with my sister-in-law having a
conversation about struggling with the fear that traumatic
things were always going to happen to me. I feared that I
will lose this baby somehow. Even in her comforting words,
I still felt a pain of doubt in my future and how I would
be able to heal from the pain I was feeling. Reality was
different then what I had imagined, especially when it came
to loss and grief. I really thought I had paid my “dues” to
the universe, to God, but now with Dad’s cancer, I was in
shock that the most important things in my life could be
taken away from me without a second chance. Nothing is
guaranteed.
Siouxland Magazine | Inspire /29
Dad survived the surgery, but the tumor wasn’t removed
completely. Dad began radiation and chemo to try and
shrink the remaining cancer, however, the treatment posed
a big risk in his health. He ended up making the decision
to stop treatment due to his extreme decline in health, but
it was too late, he died a week later. My brother, younger
sister, myself and several of Dad’s friends were there.
Everett’s birth, 2010.
I gave birth to Everett November 2010. After a long 36
hours of (back) labor, I delivered Everett via C-section, due
to D-cells which is when the baby’s heart rate slows with
every contraction. He was the perfect baby! He ate, slept,
pooped. Every worry I had while pregnant seemed to be
gone, with seeing his face. This feeling of freedom from
trauma didn’t last long, as my worry for my unborn child
moved to the worry of my newborn child. All these feelings
I had, when expressed, were chalked up to me being a firsttime
mom. Looking back, I can say my intuition had already
kicked in while pregnant, but it wasn’t until the outside
world could see that of which I was feeling.
Around the time Dad had died, Everett was 5 months old. I
am so grateful Dad was able to experience being a grandpa
before he died. As a new mother, without my mother around
to guide me, I did not have the guidance to know what to
expect with a baby. At Dad’s funeral, I remember a few
comments from family and friends, “He seems so different
than our other friends’ baby.”; “He sleeps a lot.”; “How old
Proud grandpa.
is he? I would guess 3 months”. Prior to this I remember
visiting a friend of mine who had a baby six weeks prior to
me having Everett. We were both first time moms and had
a lot to visit on. Her son was just over 4 months old and
Everett 3 months old, at the time of this conversation. She
made a comment about being thankful they brought toys
to church to distract their baby from making a fuss. My gut
went into hyper mode, since Everett didn’t show interest in
anything.
At five months old, Everett still had not progressed past
the regular, eating, sleeping routine. He would do some
cooing, but only just enough for us to question if there was
something there to be concerned with. At this point Jason
was starting to see what I was feeling long before him. We
visited with the pediatrician, who brushed it off and said we
could discuss it at his 6-month visit. This was not an option
for us. We decided to get another opinion. We met with
another pediatrician who agreed with our concerns for
Everett’s development. She scheduled Everett for an MRI.
A few weeks after Everett’s MRI we got a diagnosis of Dandy
Walker Variant. His brain had abnormally developed
while in utero. With Everett being only 6 months old, we
had every hope that he could overcome the difficulty in
achieving his milestones. The neurologist agreed and said
that he may not excel in sports, but should be able to live
a full life.
For several months I was in denial of Everett’s diagnosis
and chose to miss-interpret Everett’s abilities on social
media and isolated myself to those that didn’t know me
well. Even if someone asked me, I would walk away with
fear I would start to break.
A mother is supposed to be strong and can
save her babies. I honestly do not remember
when I finally came out with Everett’s diagnosis
on social media, but I know it was quite a while
after the initial diagnosis.