Movement 111

a daily torment
Througfrout the three years I was at university, I struggled with major
episodes of depression and suicidal feelings, and received no professional
support at all.
I was brouglrt up as a Christian but I found believing in God a struggle;
in fact during most of my teenage years it was practically impossible. I
became extremely depressed and withdrawn in myteens, brought on by
bullying at school. I frequently wanted to kill myself, but bore the burden
of knowing that suicide was a sin and that if I canied it througlh I would
go to Hell. The latter did not seem to matter at times as I felt that Hell
could not be as bad as the torment that I suffered on a daily basis.
I became isolated and had no fiiends at school, although I continued
to go to church as was expected. My feelings of isolation were made
worse when, at the age of about 17, I tded to talk to some of the church
members about my feelings of depression and the feeling that God
could not possibly love me.
I was told that I should pray more and believe in God, and that he
would help me. When this did not happen it was my fault for not having
enough faith. Some people simply did not understand that I could be
depressed 'for no reason'.
During my first year at university I was extremely homesick. I was
painfully shy, did not feel that I fitted in and made no real friends. I
drank a lot to try and feel more self-confident but this only made me
more miserable. I spent days at a time in my room not being able to
face anyone.
I eventually I plucked up the courage to go and see the college
counsellor, but he too was very unhelpful. He said that my depression
was due to the stresses of being a student. I left thinking, 'it must be
me', with no resources to help me cope.
The one time apart from lectures that I did mix with people was at a
Christian group on campus. I still had some belief in God at that time,
and did get some comfort ftom the meetings. But I also felt isolated
there too as the other students did not seem to struggle with a similar
lack of faith, let alone feelings of depression. I did confide in a few
people about how I felt, but received the same responses as I had from
people at my home church. I felt that God had completely let me down.
lronically, a non-Christian whom I met in my second year became
someone I could confide in and be honest with, and who did not judge
me. He himself had been judged by Christians for coming out as gay. At
first he treated me with geat scepticism and mistrust, as he knew I was
a Christian. We seemed to have an argument every time God was
mentioned, so we stopped talking about it! We realised that we were
both very unhappy, and began to talk to each other, neither of us having
anyone else to talk to. He remains my only contact from university.
After I graduated I continued to feel extremely depressed on a day-today
basis, but because of my experiences I did not know who I could
talk to who would help me. I started a placement in Salford with the
Christian organisation Careforce, and it was only when I came across a
book written by Spike Milligan about his own experiences that I realised
for the first time in almost 10 years that my feelings were not unique. I
continued to face misunderstanding, criticism for lack of faith and
ignorance about my depression ftom people in various churches. These
reactions on some occasions left me feeling suicidal.
In the last few years I have been in contact with self-help organisations
for people with depression and because of this have been able to
receive support and get help for my illness. However it has been a long
struggle and I believe that had I received the appropriate help at university
I would have not been so ill in the last few years.
Rachel Fitzsimmons
edttor of Crawler, ths newsloftel of the Churches' Campal€ln AEialnst Depresslon
feature: mental health
the need to
discern with
compassion
The spectrum between mental health
and mental illness is one we all travel
across, and there are no cast-iron
diagnostic tools to distinguish between
them. ln practice where we are largely
depends on whether or not we can
function and manage the tasks we are
set. Most of us find that there are periods
where we can't manage.
Supporting students begins with the need
to distinguish between three factors: overexcited
religious interest; the need simply
to listen and understand; and the requirement
to involve mental health
professionals.
Too many times in my early years as a
chaplain I failed to discern that a student's
exuberant interest in the spiritual and
experiential were actually the initial signs of
a disturbing mania, to the extent I now find
myself concerned when someone comes
initially presenting a 'religious' issue.
Conversely, many of the people who want to
talk because life is complicated, find that
underneath it all there are some pressing
r€ligaous, philosophical or spiritual issues.
Chaplains fill a gap between personal
tutors, who can't be approached in case it
looks like a sign of intellectual weakness,
and counselling services which require
some admission that one is more mentally
unwell than people are willing to admit.
But the third category of people are those
who clearly have significant problems that
require a more professional engagement
than a chaplain can be sure of providing. At
least universities offer a reasonably
immediate prospect of psychotherapeutic
support, and through health centres, more
chemically targeted psychiatric support
where necessary.
As society becomes increasin$y and debilitatingly
stressed, it has effects on the mental
health of all of us. Finding supportive people
who can offer sanity, expertise and compassion
is always at a premium.
Gavin Ashenden
Chaplaln, Unlvetslty of Sussex
movementllT